Things Could Have Been Worse...

Things could have been worse..

Why am I fixing my eyes on a starless sky?

I wish some things were left unsaid, for every passing moment, there isn't a thing that I wished had never crossed my ever-changing mind.

I guess in the textbook of life, harder lessons come with a price of shame and guilt. 

Being 20 is hard, but perhaps being able to live till 20 is enough to be thankful for. It's like, uh, being Fee is hard, but being able to be Fee is enough to be thankful for.

Midnight Musings #3

It rains everyday here.

Nights are extremely cold. Every morning I wake up seeing that sunshine through my window. Then in a short while, dark clouds appear, raindrops follow, and occasionally, I hear thunder.

Just like my life.

Sometimes I wake up feeling nothing, no sense of excitement I used to have. In this stage of life, nothing seems to amuse me anymore. I anticipate for nothing, for I know sometimes anticipation will only bring disappointment. And I appreciate the fact that I feel nothing, rather than feeling that occasional tinge of regret that makes me feel tired of living for nothing.

Some nights I would stare at the ceiling, and ask myself, why did I let that three hundred thousand bucks and a once in a lifetime opportunity slip away from my hands.

Then I ask myself again, perhaps it wasn't in my hands in the first place.

To be 20 years old and not having to discover the purpose of life is something I can't stand going through. I was once ambitious, constantly aiming for goals I never imagined I could achieve. Yet, until now, I'm afraid I don't quite know my identity any longer.

Part of me is happy that this stage of my life will mean that I'll accept more criticism than expectation, after all the years of gaining confidence through academics. Yes, I admit, in the past, I never saw any worth in me apart from my academic abilities. But when that only source of confidence was taken away from me, I begin to see how harmful it was to place my price and pride on something so temporary, so uncertain.

Nonetheless, life still goes on no matter what, no matter how huge the resentment I carry inside of me towards a few people who were once there in the picture, no matter how bitter it is to forget something I can't forget, for it has shaped me into the person I am today. After all the calculations, yes, I am going to graduate perhaps a year or two later than my peers, yes, I am not going to pursue the career I once dreamt of, and yes, I wasted the chance to live in a country so foreign, a place which would be impossible for me to stay in if not through this one and only chance.

But the things I get in turn?

I'll be spending most of my twenties at home, with my parents. I'll (probably) enrol in a university to study a course which will give me enough time to decide about my future career. I'll meet new lecturers and friends (and people who won't like me) along the way. I'll perhaps do better in my studies compared to what I've been achieving in the past two years. I'll learn how to manage stress well based on my experience in the past. And if it's God's will, I can maybe restore my ambition of studying abroad, this time, perhaps in a special place I've been keeping in my heart all these while.

I taste disappointment, I feel anger. I hate some people as much as I love some. And in the midst of disappointment, I've learnt one important lesson, prayers are not always answered in an instance. Sometimes we'll have to endure something we thought we could never handle. Most of the time, it involves patience. And as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.

What happened at this stage, I may not know what blessing it may bring, but I am sure there is at least a significant one, perhaps overlooked, or perhaps not clearly seen yet.

"Fall seven times and stand up eight."

My life in INTEC was, after all, a finished attempt. At least I can tell myself one day that I've tried, I've walked that path till the end. The end was unpleasant, but to be very honest, the journey was perhaps the best two years of my teenage years, despite the gruelling days of finding my identity and juggling hopes, responsibilities and faith. I have yet to find the full answers to my questions, for it is perhaps an unending quest. But one thing's for sure, I am not quitting anytime soon.

Nice to Know You

I somehow managed to shut down that annoying part of my brain for one day, which is quite a huge relief after one week of pain in the brain.

I don't know how to explain this and why should I, but I kind of realise that all this shit that has happened is

1) happening because of my own attitude

2) not that shitty if viewed in another perspective

3) embarrassing, but makes me reflect more on myself and how I treated others for the past years

I think my tendency of overthinking and letting the world know what I feel has been the major problem and the beginning to the massive growth of my self-pity and feeling of worthlessness. I mean..before college I never felt the need to open up to too many people because I just couldn't trust people. However these days I find myself answering to the "How are you?" questions with such unnecessary elaborations, and it makes me focus of me me me and my feelings, which is, to be honest, very sickening. 

I never knew the word "self-conscious" existed before college. But all my life, I think I've been focusing too much to please others, to hope for people to accept me, to be likeable, and yeah, to be number one. I always fear people laughing at me. Or people thinking that I'm doing things I'm not supposed to do. I guess for 20 years of my life, I haven't been living my life, but living to meet up to other people's expectations. And I'm tired of it.

I wish I never had to go through that period of my life where I developed that attitude. And that, in the end, seems to mean the same thing as "I wish I was a different person"...

Putting aside anger, shame and guilt, and trying to stop comparing myself with others, I actually see that this abrupt change in my life is something good. I always had the difficulty to include God in my sentences (I still do). I mean I hate appearing to be fake. But this time I think although I haven't been really living up to His standards, the door that's been closed carries a message He wants me to find out, and I guess I'm on my way. I actually thank God for having Him in my life, because I'd be long gone by now especially when I follow my emotions too much. I that emotional part that's embedded inside of me kinds of diminishes when I remind myself that God knows what's He's doing. 

If there's one thing that I'm concerned of...I'm actually afraid that after all these hardship, is it still happening because I couldn't grasp the meaning and importance of all that had happened? Is it repeating because I refuse to change my attitude? Is it following me throughout the years, simply because I failed to grow from each situation?

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say I'll grow stronger from this. I'm really not sure of this, because I don't see any changes in my attitude. I wish I never had to rely on friends to make me feel better. I wish I never had to expose my weaknesses to a lot of people. I wish that stronger meant that I'd be matured enough to wait and pray in silence. I wish it meant I never had to blog about my feelings, like I've been doing too excessively throughout my college days.

All I see is that I've grown bitter, not stronger. And I don't want that to continue. If this trial means that I'll have a brand new chance to start afresh, I'm actually hoping to see that day when I can tell myself I'm matured enough to take things positively. That's the word.

Talking about positive-thinking, I think I have a few good things to list down:

1. INTEC taught me the value of trust and friendship and the importance of not judging others.
2. I lived through many days crying on my pillow and learning to face life's challenges.
3. I learnt that there'll be a point in life where you'll fall, or fall hard, but you just gotta keep breathing.
4. I appreciated the fact that God gave me a chance in life to learn and play guitar.
5. This current pause in my life gives me the time to think on what I really want to do in my life.
6. Campus Alive was actually the best thing that ever happened to me throughout my teen years.
7. I met the most incredible group of people I ever met so far.
8. Akasia was the best hostel I've ever been in so far.
9. I actually finished my marathon without quitting halfway through.
10. The ending to this chapter is not so nice, but my life is not ending here after all..

If this event can change me into a new person, I'm actually looking forward to do far better than I can ever imagine. And I really do hope that it'll mean I'll learn to trust God more instead of blaming and complaining. And I hate to sound too positive..coz I've been in this cycle..but if being positive means I'm looking forward to continue living, I guess that's what I should be doing.

On a lighter (but totally unrelated) note..I'm amused by a reader who keeps on coming to this blog by searching my blog name instead of the URL. I mean..I thought thespeechlessdustbin was catchy enough to remember compared to Endure in Silence? ;)

Level 65

For the first time this week, I screamed yearghhh with all my heart.

I finally reached a new checkpoint, level 65 on AstroPop Deluxe after I think five weeks and numerous failed attempts.

Achieving something when you keep on failing is such a great feeling. 

And the only reason I achieved level 65 is because I didn't stop trying. I failed. And failed. And failed. But I told myself there must be a day I can reach that new checkpoint.

It's about time I do the same to my life. I still don't feel like eating or doing anything. I still feel I'm better off dead sometimes. But if I give up now, I won't be able to see that new checkpoint, that level 65.

Life is not easy. Staying alive is not easy. But for some reason, giving up on living is not easy too.

Tomorrow...

There's starting to be a trend on Facebook with so many status updates that reflect how nervous people are now. I find it amusing because those who are posting are the ones who usually do very well in their exams. It made me see a pattern that some people are really confident with the fact that they're going to make it, while some sound as if they'll be in major shock to see the results tomorrow. I can say that 99.9% of those who are posting tonight on Facebook are surely going to make it. No kidding. 

As for me, I'm actually in a bad situation. I don't actually want to know the results tomorrow, because my sister is getting married the next day. I can feel that whatever that's going to happen tomorrow is going to affect my mood entirely. And weddings mean that there are no running away from relatives and family friends. They will go frenzy asking me whether I'm on holiday, when am I going to finish studying, and a thousand more questions I would love to avoid. Not to mention that my soon-to-be bro-in-law's family will be arriving tomorrow and spending their night at our home, which means home won't feel like home tomorrow. I can't be sad and appear emo and angry and cranky. I can't lock myself in my room with the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears me screaming (lyrics..). No skipping dinner. No I'm-not-answering-you and I-don't-want-to-talk face. Don't get me wrong. I'm just an introvert who doesn't really like the presence of people whom I never met. If I can make it, well it won't be a problem. 

I don't really feel nervous now as I'm doing so many things like watching anime and reading books and listening to music while singing off-key. But it's ironic that tomorrow I'm gambling my emotions. I haven't been crying because of stress for so long. I don't want to, if you ask me. All these thinking gives me a headache..I just ask for one thing. I'm not dreaming for straight As like last time, the night prior to my SPM results. This time I just want to hit that exact target, not lower, not higher. That'll be enough. But thinking back, did I really do my part? Did I really do all that I could? Did I pray hard enough? Did I make God my first, and studies my second? Did I meet all of my lecturers for help? Did I go out of the exam hall without any regrets?

I'm afraid I have to say no to all of those questions. Who am I, an imperfect human being who up until now still haven't been trying hard enough to please my Creator and make the best of what He gave me. 

Tomorrow either way things go, I guess I'll never be the same person again.

What I Really Want to Do with My Life

I don't know.

That's the answer.

There was one period in my life where I found myself dreaming of becoming a professional golfer. Of course, in about one year, my unrealistic dream died after realising that I'll never get the chance to hold a golf club and hit a golf ball.

Then things weren't so complicated back in my schooldays. I studied just to ace the exams, of course, which indirectly would enable me to at least secure my future and widen my choices after high school. It went serious right after that. I remember having a hard time thinking about my future and what I really wanted to do, because to be honest, I'm a person of too many dreams, but on top of that, none of my dreams are clear.

I really worry of waking up one day with regret, not being able to do something which I really have passion in. But the problem is, I'm not sure of what my passion in life is. I know as you're reading this, you'll be asking me then why on earth did I choose this path that I'm on now? Let me throw you one question then. How many 17 year old kids really know what they would like to do for the rest of their life? How many would choose a career that they're really passionate of? The answer is, not many. Now don't get me wrong, because that does not imply that I was forced to choose this path, despite having to live with that accusation for two years. When I did my choice two years ago, I was aware about the challenges I was going to face. I was aware about the consequences. And of course, I was also aware that I couldn't imagine myself to not give a shot at this path, because it is one of my dreams, out of the many dreams that I have.

Now don't get sceptical when I said I gave a shot. 

It was really a mere attempt, to certain degrees. But it wasn't that kind of random 100% blind attempt. It was more like saying, if I can make it, then it's my destiny. If I don't, then perhaps I wasn't qualified in the first place. It was more of a statement to say that if I didn't give a shot in the first place, I would regret more.

When I said that not many 17 year olds are really sure of what they want to do, I am certainly not generalising because I know a few who do. It's those who act as if they know and look down on people who are still not sure which annoys me. When someone doesn't do well, you don't go simply asking them whether they are forced to do what they're doing, and you don't go telling them how sure you are on your path, or how sure you are when you first chose that path. Because unless your driving force is so strong, like one guy who I know, chose medicine because he had a sister who suffered a genetic disease and I can just simply feel his passion in giving care to sick children by reading his blog, chances are, I won't simply believe in what you say.

If you want me to provide a vague answer to the title of this post, well I guess that would be far easier to do.

What I really want to do with my life is something that can make the people around me and myself happy, without having to be in the limelight. I want to live a simple life, in a simple house, grow old with a guy who loves and cares for his wife and kids. I want to get involved in a job that can help make an impact to an individual, without having to make myself a facebook fan page. Ohkay, of course I was partially kidding there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to do something big, not the average kind of thing, something different but not too different and radical. I want to be successful, but successful has many definitions, up to an individual, so I won't risk using that word. So being vague about what I want to do is not as easy as I expected it to be...

In the end I know, I can only make choices, but where I end up is not fully in my hands, so I guess thinking too much won't help much, no?

Dear Diary

I've been home for a week now. I have nothing to do, seriously. Stuffs that I brought from Shah Alam are still in my boxes and bags, as if I'm prepared to set off for another journey soon. Life has been revolving around Tetris Battle, listening to Ed Sheeran, sleep, and useless stuffs like clearing off junk from my laptop and arranging files and folders in a nicer way (which is harder than cleaning a real room).

Anyway now that I'm entering my second week of nothingness, I'm planning to do better stuffs such as finish reading my novels or probably exercise a little. 

Okay this is going to be random.

First of all, I'm blogging tonight because it's been so long since I last wrote anything in my journal. These past few days fear suddenly crept inside me like crazy. When I say fear, I seriously mean it. I suddenly realised that I have about 40 days to finally know my fate. What sucks is when I start to imagine things and what if questions start to attack me. Yeah it's easy to go about and say stuffs to give me comfort, but deep down I still have that fear. Staying at home makes me realise that I don't want to actually keep staying at home until I'm old. I just want to get out of this town and learn to be confident. If I continue to pursue my studies here, I don't think I can change from the old me. I loved the feeling when I was away, learning to be calm and not trouble my parents. I noticed that that was the same idea I had after my SPM. I just wanted to go out and far away to learn more.

The thing is to be honest I'm really scared. I'm terribly scared that what if my dreams will just remain as dreams, what if I'll never get to thank those who I really want to thank. What if that picture inside my brain was just an illusion I kept for seven weeks during exam, just to make me feel better. Part of me says it's OK, there's no use of thinking about something I can no longer change, but part of me says that if things go wrong, I can never really forgive myself.

I don't know why am I burdening my thoughts, but seriously it's annoying.

In an unrelated story, my sister showed me some of the cards she received for teacher's day when she had her practicals in a secondary school not long ago. What surprises me is that she is known to me as emotionless person (or so I thought..) but she told me the cards really made her touched. We talked a lot and I told her how my bad days in college started to make me think of those kids who are rebellious, who cannot read and write, and the ones labelled as "good for nothing" and "lazy".

One of the things her student wrote was "thank you for giving me confidence", and reading that made me feel like crying because I too, have a story to tell, a story that not many can understand, including my sister. 

I asked her whether she has a favourite teacher that she can remember, and she said she has none. I told you she lacks emotions (which is probably a good thing). 

I begin to see how I, as the youngest, naturally loves being noticed, and my favourite teacher title would go to the ones who acknowledges my presence. Meanwhile, my sister, being the middle child, would naturally perhaps care less about all those nonsense and would be happy (or perhaps emotionless) of being unnoticed.  And that's why I love relating people's background with their characters and reactions to little things in life.

Anyway, my story can only be shared if and only if in 40 days, things will go right. If not, perhaps I will bring all the details of the story until I find another success in life.

I really do hope though that my story can be told. I don't care what significance it will bring, I just care of sharing my heart out, because what's the point of going through a voyage without sharing the adventures with others.

Conclusion?

I don't know. Told you it's a pointless post. :P

P/S: To you who is reading this, please keep me in prayer for the next 40 days, whoever you are. I don't want to stop believing for a miracle, not until everything is really beyond my ability to do anything else. I realise that all I can do now is pray, because the truth is I can no longer do anything to change what's going to happen. 

Last Day

I made a decision to go to college for the final time before I head back to my hometown tomorrow. As an overly-nostalgic person, I took a stroll around college, my camera in one hand. I snapped pictures the moment the sun had just risen. I stopped at some places, smiled alone while I recollected the memories.

Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have been here for the past two years. I met bad people, good people, annoying people, inspiring people. Going to college used to be something so tiring to do, yet now, thinking back, how I wish I had put in mind earlier that all of these are going to end after all. Perhaps if I reminded myself about that earlier, I could've appreciate this place more.

While taking a stroll at my classroom block, I coincidentally met my Maths lecturer Miss Lee, who said she is going to leave tomorrow. Talking to her made me realise that I actually appreciate so much of what she has done. It reminded me of all the random moments I would knock her door to ask for help in Maths. It didn't happen very frequently though. I only started to like her more in my final semester. Ah well, things always seem to get better when they're coming towards an end, don't they? 

I don't know why am I feeling this way. All of my friends had left, and I'm like the only one still here. It was my own choice. I wanted to feel my final moments here. Yet, it's still very sad to be the last person. I hugged so many people and watched so many people leave. 

In two months time, I hope I'll be able to come back here with a smile, although by then there might be no one left here to thank. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we reach a certain point of a stage, and when it's finally the time to leave, it always feels weird. We know that things will never be the same. Some people may not be there in the future. Our feelings may change.

It's OK. Maybe that's the point of life. We come, we leave, we say goodbyes. We learn, we grow, then..

we move on.

Thank you INTEC, for all of the things that had happened. There were indeed so many crappy days. Days when I thought that the sky was about to fall. Days when I felt like running back home. Yet still, there were also some days when I really didn't want everything to end so fast. Days when I just laughed along with my friends and wish we never had to say farewell. It's been an incredible two-year journey. 

Stesyen berikutnya, Kuching.

Next station, Kuching.

Read that one in the voice of the KTM lady.

Fee, ALM12M8.

INTEC library computer lab, Computer A10.

9.54am, 27/06/2013.

Thankful

I survived 2 weeks of study leave + 7 weeks of exams.

These 9 weeks were the most critical weeks of my life so far. Dramatic, yeah, but honestly, I'll tell you a secret. These 9 weeks really meant a lot to me. Even if I don't make it well at the end of this journey, I have a lot of things to thank God for, and these are the things I am thankful for throughout this 9 weeks.

(I may miss out a few things, or perhaps a lot, because I believe there are so many things to be thankful for).

1. I got the help that I needed in my studies.

2. I began to think optimistically.

3. I did not shed a single tear of fear throughout these 9 weeks.

4. God took care of my health.

5. God took care of my safety.

6. Nothing big and bad happening throughout exam time.

7. I had friends to eat with, to talk to, to support and encourage one another.

8. I enjoyed basketball and studies equally.

9. I had enough sleep (perhaps more than enough..)

10. I never felt this peaceful in Akasia, as in having this unexplainable peace..like..zero depression?

Throughout my 2 years living here, there were days (many days) where I stared blankly on my Maths book, trying to understand the questions, but in the end give up and break down in disappointment. I was afraid it was going to happen during this exam season. Because when it happens, I know myself. It's very had for me to get up again. And because that didn't happen, I am very thankful, even if, even if things won't turn out the way I expect it to be.

God, it's all now in Your hands. I've done my part, and my prayer is simple. In two months time, I don't want to have any regrets.

Midnight Musings #2

Fourteenth June. Oh time flies. 

I was sitting here last night, thinking about how I wish all of these will never have to end. It came into my mind, that scary thought of how separations can be forever. As a person who can feel too nostalgic at times, I find it hard to think of the future and how things are going to eventually change.

I look at the photo of my class on the wall, and ask myself will I be able to stand in that group for another picture in the future? Or is July going to be the last month I'm going to see them, perhaps for the last time in my life as well? My classmates for two years, some I found annoying at first, but now, the opposite. The lecturers who inspired and helped me, will I have the chance to thank them? Or will everything be merely a phase that will pass by, forgotten?

My calendar is full of crosses, marking the last few weeks I'm going to be in this place.

I am left with three final chances to do whatever I can to balance off the marks of my other unit papers, which will determine my future. 

I did some revision on Integration, one of the topics I dread the most, and Miss Lee's reaction a few months ago made me smile alone.

"Oh God, you can't even differentiate!" (She was referring to differentiation, that Maths topic).

How I wish I can run to her office now, telling her that differentiation didn't give me a huge problem in my previous unit paper. It is Integration that scares me more.

As much as I hate how stupid I was for giving up so early last time, I am actually truly grateful that since last April, I've been improving so much. I can't prove my own words, but all of these made me regret for the moments I felt hopeless about myself. If only I didn't give up, if only I had the confidence earlier, things would've been different.

Yet I believe that there's a reason for everything that has happened.

Last April Mr. William asked what happened to me in the previous semesters.

I said I thought everything would be too late for me to fix the situation I was in, and perhaps I won't be able to make it after all. But then, I woke up, as in woke up, realising that I still had the chance to change things.

He asked me what made me realise about that?

And I said I was tired of being depressed. Tired of giving up. And to be very honest, I was very tired.

I was so tired sitting in class with the eagerness to participate, but not being able to do so due to my lack of understanding in all of the subjects. I was tired of doing badly in topic tests, which eventually gave me no hope for end of semester exams. I was tired of failing to copy the notes before the lecturers switched to the next slides. I was tired of sitting in that corner of the class, being nobody.

Now that I let go all of my fears, I can see clearly on how being depressed had drained out so much of my spirit and enthusiasm. Do I regret for being such a fool? Yes. But looking back, there wasn't a thing that I could've done back then to help myself. I was trying to grow up. I didn't do well. But I certainly didn't walk away empty-handed.

With the remaining days I have, I just want to make this final episode in Shah Alam a life lesson worth remembering and sharing, because I know the pain of having a loser perspective, and I wouldn't want to see another kid living like how I used to be in my first three semesters here.

INTEC really gave me a lesson I will certainly remember until the day I die, no matter where my future leads me to, and no matter what kind of adult I will turn out to be in years to come.

Alright, time to get back to Maths..

Garg

Garg is supposed to sound like those crows in Akasia.

Anyway..

I just crossed out tomorrow's date (and paper) from my handmade calendar on the wall, and exclaimed garg! coz it was obviously a mistake. 

My mind is so disoriented I don't even know am I supposed to laugh or cry, or do both. If I have no paper tomorrow, I would've already shoot balls outside. I mean, shoot basketballs. Or shoot ONE basketball, repeatedly. Whatever.

Before my paper started I was left with a question which required me to make a decision, and I'm obviously bad in making decisions, probably because of a faulty frontal lobe. So brain asked brain "Hey brain, what do you think I should do?"

And then brain froze.

Brain needs to unfreeze.

BRAIN, WHY YOU LIKE TO THINK TOO MUCH??

Midnight Musings

Done with one paper. Still want to do more. Taking a break for a while, and thought of something random.

I'll take a line from David Cook's song, "...watched all the bitterness burn"..

I hate to say this, but I admit, I've been keeping too much bitterness for so long, I can't even trace back since when I started to respond differently to certain people in my life. I am against any sort of disrespect, I believe strongly in the importance of honouring others, yet tonight, I won't lie, what happened to me since early 2012  changed me so much, I dare not think of what I've done.

I wonder if those people really did care for me in the first place, or did they stop caring because I drew away from them? Did they think that I no longer needed their help? Did they think I am not worth their time and concern? Did they see no positive changes in me, and gave up? Or did they do that because they thought I needed my own space?

I know my faults.

I reacted coldly. I drew away. I probably showed anger. I made abrupt decisions without asking or discussing. I stopped asking for advice. I hurt their feelings through my reactions, perhaps. Or probably in the first place, they did not care much. I was not worth their time and effort.

Let me throw to you one question, what is the meaning of encouraging those who are readily encouraged? 

There are millions of discouraged people out there. But most important of all, I think we should put in mind that they might fall into two categories:

Both discouraged, but one is easy to teach, while the other is stubborn, rebellious, good-for-nothing.

I know which category do I belong to.

Unless that person can give a second try in encouraging me, chances are, I might change my perception. After a brief first try, but afterwards..gone? Sorry, but I think you might be faking your kindness. I know, I'm mean. But I guess most of us yearns for a person who will never give up on us, no matter what our actions and reactions are.

Let me throw to you my question again,

What is the point of encouraging those who are readily encouraged, and ignoring the discouraged, while you're talking about how you care much about people's life?

This is a harsh entry, forgive me if it doesn't sound like me. But to be honest, I've watched all my bitterness burn, and since when was that? Since I stopped caring much about following what other people wanted me to do. 

Do I still believe in God? Yes. Am I angry with God? Why should I? Can I prove that I love God? No, because I don't need to, if doing that merely gives me attention from people which may cause my faith to change into pride.

I've changed. Do I like it? No. But if that change can help me to release my bitterness, I don't mind.

I don't know why I'm writing this out..on a public blog. Go ahead, judge me, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just somebody who's learning to grow up.

45 Days To Go

..45 days to go before my first A-Level exam paper.

Blogging? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Don't play play with me when I'm serious. I sacrificed my guitar for a month. It's not difficult to sacrifice anything else. 

I remember those who told me I can't, those who looked me in the eyes and doubted my capabilities, those who talked to me as if I never tried.

Now's not the time for me to think of them.

Express my feelings? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Thirty-seven, One Hundred

37 days.  And exactly 100 days.

Only one hope.

To stay alive till the very end. 

To be able to look at the sky and be grateful that my heart is still beating. To laugh along with my friends, to cry whenever I need to. To shoot the basketball into the hoop like a champion. To enjoy the midnight breeze, every single midnight. To be thankful, that I'm in an arena of champions, because I'm one of them in the first place. To experience every single emotion. Anger. Doubt. Pain. Regret. Joy. Because they're there for a reason. 

I won't wait for luck.

One day I'm pretty sure I'll be able to look back and see how these dots connect.

Till then, you can be well assured that I'm doing my part.

"ล้มลงแล้ว ก็ไม่แคล้ว สิ่งหนึ่งคือฉันไม่ยอมแพ้" - วัดใจ, Silly Fools.

Pain

Cry only if it makes you feel better. If it makes you feel worse, brush off your tears, no matter how much it hurts.

I used to cry until I fell asleep just to make me feel better.

But now, whenever I cry, it only makes me feel worse. I decided I should stop being so weak. And somewhere along the line, I find myself trying to learn to stand up for myself and not putting myself into a place where my emotions become to vulnerable.

Nobody gets it. Being in this situation isn't always depressing. I'm happy that I'm breathing, that wherever I walk around this area, I still see people who smile and say hi to me. I still enjoy the breeze, laugh with my housemates, enjoy my studies and feel motivated occasionally.

But then little things are always trying to bring me down. Like the terrible Bio test this morning. Like my thoughts about the past, and my future. Like how I don't know to who should I run to, although I know, I refuse to, because I just don't see the point.

I can't believe I've been living in this cycle for almost two years now. I haven't seen anything coming out from it. I haven't seen what lesson am I supposed to learn from it. All of a sudden, all those sympathetic remarks, encouragement, heart-to-heart talks become nothing but mere jokes, which come and go the same like seasons that pass by.

I'm not asking for much. Or perhaps I am.

I just want to get out of this place one day without any regrets.

Is it so hard to understand? 

Sometimes I wished someone would never give up on me, just like Minami Sensei in My Boss My Hero, scolding and pushing Makky to the point that he enjoyed his schooldays and studies. But I came to realise that life is not like movies or dramas, and most of the time, it's only you who will have to whisper to yourself to carry on even when things are so confusing and you feel like giving up.

I am very disappointed about my Bio, I really am. Because I tried hard. And when you try too hard, yet see nothing, it sucks. It's like everything that you do goes to waste. Not only in studies, but in so many other things as well. You don't really want to talk about it, but you can't help to not whine again about it.

Shut up Fee, who said it's hard? Don't talk too much.

I Wish and What If

I wish I never had to explain so hard when people ask me why.

It's only the second week of January. Life's been as interesting as it always is, I managed to accomplish a few things I never thought of accomplishing - a three-pointer in basketball for the first time when playing alone on a random evening, a set of almost complete chemistry notes digested from the whole AS textbook, and a few little things like staying fully awake in class and having lesser and shorter online sessions.

Of course, motivation is always high in the first few stages of something.

I only have 51 days for my trial exams and life so far isn't only about studies, but self-discovery as well. It is indeed tiring to have so many things playing in my mind, with conflicts and confusion, faces of people, old memories, rebellion and doubts. But so far none has given me the thoughts that life is a misery, at least not yet. 

I wish we live in a world with more real people, no puppets and robots, all doing things to deceive and please those around them. I wish I never became one in the first place. Sadly I am one, even in the times when I don't realise.

I wish more people in this world could understand why certain people hold on to certain beliefs.

What if someday I take a drastic step that could change my future?

It's unbelievable that sometimes you don't even know whether you are doing something right or wrong, and it's seriously scary. 

I wish if I am wrong, then I should know that I am wrong.

I just want to go back home one day, coming just as I am, without having to fake my actions and beliefs just because of people and places and principles, but because of one right reason - 

which I am not really sure of.

Silence

Silence

30th Nov 2012

Verse 1

An empty playground with a broken swing

A tiny room with a fan spinning

A thousand faces on the wall smiling

and the clock is ticking

(Ohkay, that's a super lame verse to begin with...)

Verse 2

Watching the sunset with a broken guitar in your hand

Scribbling a paper, with the things you can't stand

Maybe your silence is a sign of moving on

Perhaps silence is about staying strong

Pre-chorus 1

What if silence is a screaming child

Sometimes in silence you sing for a while

because that is when you start to smile

When you know that you need to keep walking another mile

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

Verse 3

Singing songs that everyone sings

Realising there's not much time left to say out the things

that you never really wanted to hide

'cause your words might force you to swallow your pride

Pre-chorus 2

What if silence is a kid in hunger?

Or a group of people living in anger?

Broken families, and enemies

What if silence is what it takes to have peace

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

________________________________________________________________

I'm recording this. Because it's not a song about crushes or memories or friendship.

It's a song about fighting battles when everything seems so distant.

Oh wait, that sounds emo. 

Haha.

Funny

Hi. Another late-night post. I know.

Haven't been sleeping well for the past 2 weeks. Can't get myself to sleep early. And it in the end makes me think too much.

2012 is coming to its end very soon.

Throughout this year, I've been thinking too much about growing up. About how I should behave as a 19-year-old. About how I should get rid of my immaturity and start being wise whenever being challenged to be wise. I guess it's normal. You come to an age when you experience so many new things, mingle around with so many matured people, you just want to be like them.

Just a few seconds ago, it struck me that perhaps all these while I've been trying too hard to grow up, not knowing that it won't come as fast as I always thought it would be. 

Just a few weeks ago, on the final day of my end of semester exams, I was taking a stroll with a friend to my college's Faculty of Music.

Well if I were to answer a question about how happy I am to be in an environment where my future is so blurry, where my enthusiasm seems to die, my faith so shallow, I'd answer that it's one of the worst stages of my life so far.

Back to the Faculty of Music story, I'll tell you a secret.

It's one of the best places in my college.

There's this unexplainable feeling whenever I step into that place. When musical notes hit my eardrums. When I see people who get to do what they are really certain of doing for their futures.

I told my friend that if I didn't have to think of my future, and how I would need to be responsible of my own survivability, I'd probably been taking courses that make me feel happy. Although I have to admit that most of the time, I am never certain about my true passion.

It's funny. 

It's funny that the year when I suddenly get serious about growing up, is also the year where I find myself dealing with so many immature thoughts, so many questions, and so many unresolved doubts.

Rights and Wrongs

A few months ago, our English lecturer asked the whole class to stand up one by one and state our principles in life.

I love talking about abstract things.

Our principles. Our attitudes. The way we see things.

Back in a few years ago, my circle of friends wasn't that wide. I never got to know my friends' backgrounds. How they were raised. What happened during their childhood. Who did they mix with the most. How they handle life.

As much as I hate college life, well I have to admit it does teach me a thing or two.

Our principles. Our attitudes. They way we see things. The way we handle situations.

They don't just come overnight. 

It's a long story. Twisting and turning, sometimes it sounds like a fairytale, sometimes a drama. Sometimes it's tragedy. They say the past should remain in the past, but the truth is you can never leave what has shaped you into who you are today.

Some of us might not understand why certain people behave in certain ways. Why some people dwell in anger. Why we choose to act in different ways. Why we despair in things which look so trivial in the eyes of others. Our experiences differ, maybe that's why.

For human beings to understand each other is no simple task. Sometimes I don't understand myself as well.

It's easy to blame others. It's easy to fall into self-pity. 

But when you start to see too much blaming around you, too much finger-pointing, too much selfishness, too much anger, what will you do? 

Our experiences, our upbringing, well, sometimes they are similar in a few aspects.

But it's still possible for different people take the same things differently.

Everyone screams. We all do. But most of the time, we don't scream in the same way. 

Some scream in silence.

No..vem..berrrr

It's hard to not post about emo stuffs.

Been one week since the start of November, and this is the rarest moments where you see me not blogging for days. I was too lazy to talk to myself and show it to the whole world. Well I guess that's good.

C4 was bad. I never love Maths, but as I look back, if anything happens to my results for Maths this time, I'm not going to say I didn't study. Because I did. I studied more than last sem. And it was torturing. I don't know how to teach myself Maths, so I had to watch videos. I thought it was better than weeping like a mad woman, staring at the textbooks and exercises without eventually gaining anything. I somehow think it's useful, but it doesn't help much when you're on your headphones for 4 continuous hours. Again, it was a torture. The voice of that guy explaining the lessons in the video kept on ringing in my head.

And the moment the lecturer said times up, put down your pen, that was one of the biggest relief I had. Because I've been waiting for that moment. I've been battling with my own voice, seeming to be rebelling and shouting "whennn is this going to enddddd?"

All I want to do now is to get myself back in my own bedroom and have my own time and space. I mean my own bedroom. The one with the Santa Cruz. The one where I can lay on the cold floor while reading my novels. The one where I can sit and listen to pigeons, not crows. The one which I can treat like my jam studio. 

Out of all the things I miss, I miss being myself. I miss being crazy. I miss the moments when I can just act as if I don't care.