- - - - - -

"Sister, don't let him hold it, he spoils everything given to him", the little girl warned me.

"Last time, he broke the strings of someone else's guitar." I assume it must be a guitar belonging to another visitor of that home.

I could see disappointment in the little boy's eyes.

If I were to be in his position, I will feel the hurt too. The pain of not being trusted. The pain when someone touches about your past mistake, reminding you that you're bound to repeat it.

Who cares about a broken string. Or six broken strings.Who cares about dropping a guitar. Who cares about scratches.

I decided to let him hold it and pose for a few photos.

His expression?

Priceless.

Little boy, may you become a guitarist one day, and find the joy in not just holding a guitar and posing for a photo with it, but also in making music with it to express what's hidden in your heart. :)

___________

And for everyone who put a lot of effort for today, thanks for the valuable experience. :)

September

How the time passed away
All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste
All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of the September
We'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear
There's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long
That summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
_________________________________________________

I love songs about memories. And memories are created through friendship. I haven't laughed so much like tonight for a very long time. 

Yeah, time seems to fly..people come and go in our lives, but at least the memories will remain, like tonight, and like so many other days in my life here in this small town.

I wish I had more time to write a song, now that I have it halfway written inside my head... :(

Why Am I Here?

I promised with so many people that I will change, that I will try my best, that I will spend more time studying and less time on Facebook.

But not many know that trying to change is not that easy.

I admit, my past failures were all caused by no other person than myself.

After trying not to be on blogger and Facebook for one week, and not holding the guitar at all for so long, I finally realised that it is possible to change after all.

The process of breaking free from addiction is hard.

I found that some of my principles were challenged to the point that I became someone who I couldn't recognise. 

A few days ago, the cheerful part of me vanished.

Not many realised. But those who are like siblings to me in this place, they realised. I just couldn't pretend because when I'm quiet, that means there's something wrong. 

Anyway, back to the topic, why am I here?

I just want to correct things.

I just learnt that I can't become who I'm not. I need God in my life. I can never trade my walk with God with anything else, not even my studies. I need friends in my life. I can't be that person trying to chase straight As but never cared to do life together with the people around. 

Tonight, and so many days before this, I just know that although sometimes I like being alone, although sometimes I do deal with my doubts and get disappointed with people, I just know that if I never knew God, I would never experience and appreciate what I'm having now. Today, I might be busy chasing my dreams to achieve my own miracle, but I just want to change what I've stated before this. I don't want to trade these dreams with anything. If there is something I need to trade, let it be my addictions, my pessimism, my fears. Not my relationship with Jesus, and not my relationship with people.

Because in the end, when I'll be able to achieve what I believe I can do, I want to take a glance back, and smile as I remember how my fellowship with God and His people has enabled me to persevere no matter how tiring it was and is going to be, and no matter where this road leads me to.

I'll Tell You the Truth

The ugliest truth is still better than the prettiest of lies.

Maybe because I've been living the past two semesters as an emo individual who can't manage my own problems and keeps on pouring them out, people still won't believe if I say that I'm no longer that person. Perhaps they are correct. 

You're still not changing, you still have that old mindset.

Maybe true, maybe not. I'm trying hard to change. Perhaps too hard. But I know myself better. I may get worried and scared and disheartened and angry easily these days, but I notice I get over them quite quickly compared to last time.

I remember those old days whenever I had problems at school, I will come back home, enter the bathroom and punch a bucket of water repeatedly. 

Or sometimes I will scribble a paper. 

I no longer do those things now.

I still find sleep as a solution though. Or a good song that can help me release my anger without causing me to hurt anyone. Or sing in a bathroom, which is quite effective.

Whichever ways I choose, I'll tell you the truth. Sometimes I show that I'm worried so that people can see that I'm taking it seriously. The truth is, I am serious, but I'm not as worried or as pessimistic as you think I am.

Well yesterday I got to know some truth that scared me so much.

I am still scared, but I know I am now given the chance and time to not make it happen.

Whatever happens to me, I don't care, I can still live my whole life with the consequences. But if my parents have to bear the consequences of my bad choices and actions in life, I tell you the truth, I'd rather die.

With that, I end this post, promising that from this point onwards, yes, you still get to see me online on Facebook, but no, not for too long when I still have a lot of things to do. Yes, you will see this blog alive, but maybe it should be dead by now. It depends on how free I am going to be in the future days. And no, no more songwriting, pointless guitar-playing moments and long-winded blog posts.

There are miracles in life I must achieve, but first I know it starts inside of me.

(Not So) Happy New Month

The price for one plate of Nasi Goreng Ayam at one famous dining place for students in this area has increased by 50 cents, making it now RM6.00.

There you go, take that random update as we venture another new month in this mystical hidden small town of far far away.

Nothing much is left to say after the previous blog post, emotions are still trying to drag this fellow into the depths of depression.

August said goodbye without leaving me a single song to write, that's pretty depressing after three failed attempts, but to view it as something positive, I have to admit, less time spent on guitar means more time spent on studying.

Emotions are so hard to express without trying to sound emo, but not expressing them means I might explode at any moment.

Relationships are getting confusing, one moment I'm trusting somebody, the other moment I end up doubting. Now I understand why I never liked placing my trust on people throughout my teenage years. I have issues with myself which I need to resolve. Or should I say, I shouldn't have been too honest with people at the first place.

While everything else seems to bring me down, I see myself having this weird feeling that nothing is going to stop me from reaching what I really dream for. Sadly, at the same time, it somehow makes me feel that focusing on improving my grades also means that I'm turning into a self-centred person once again, spending less time thinking about others, and many important aspects in my life which I used to prioritise before this. I know I can't please everyone, but I wish I never had to hurt anyone's feelings when I'm busy staying indoors trying to chase my selfish dreams.

Not sure of how this month is going to end, but one thing's for sure, even if things get hard, even if I have to choose, even if failures knock me down again and again: failures in topic tests, friendship, or even my walk with God, I just want to believe in myself for once, though I know I should be trusting God more than myself. I'm just tired of not being able to stand up confidently like other people. I'm just tired that sometimes other people's confidence make me feel like I'm being sneered at.

But sometimes, of course, it's hard for me to become confident without letting pride conquer me. I guess confidence has never been my best friend. The moment I see myself as someone confident, I start questioning myself what if it's just mere pride?

I have too many questions that no one would like to answer. Maybe there are such things as stupid questions. Or stupid place to ask for a question at a stupid time. Oookayyy I'm angry I better sign out before I start whining for no reasons.

_______________________________

And I've been neglecting Thai songs for so long, I even forgot that one of my favourite songs said Only those who believe in their dreams will continue to walk on, even when things get tiring. 

The title of the song?

Faith (ความเชื่อ/Kwaam Cheua).

Happy new month once again. I'm targeting at least a B for my Bio topic test that day, and my motivation is still high.

I shall end this post with a monotone Haha just to lessen the effect of angry sentences detected almost everywhere in this post.

Haha.

I am so going to regret for publishing this, but who cares. Good lessons can also be learnt through bad examples. You can learn from my weaknesses and be glad that you have less anger genes than me. Now I'm blaming the genes. 

Why on earth am I so angry on a breezy midnight? Why? Whyyyy??!

*Grabs super thick core maths book and hits it repeatedly on the head*