Everything's So Temporary..

Two days ago I went out for dinner with one of my housemates, just the two of us. We don't normally go out to eat together nowadays, and in our hostel, we don't normally talk about serious matters. We don't share about our worries and problems. We just talk and joke around. However that evening she told me something that she has been thinking of lately.

Everything in life is so temporary. What's the meaning? We try to chase for different things, achieve a lot of things, which in the end are meaningless. What's the purpose of life?

I wasn't ready to give any answers because at this stage, I am also trying to figure out what's my purpose here. I wanted to share with her the only thing I am certain of is that I am still living and is still kept alive because God still wants to use me, but being the always-silly-and-never-serious Fee in front of my housemates, I just kept that inside.

Or probably because, in my certainty, I also keep some doubts.

I don't get it sometimes why do we worry too much about our future. I have never been this worried about my future, to be honest. I started worrying when I finished high school. Then the moment I found out that I was given a place in this college, I stopped worrying.

When I was in Form 2 my Maths teacher, Mr. Song, shared and introduced the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for the very first time in my life. Back then, I was a very optimistic teen. I was almost never shaken by the problems around me. I wasn't problem-free, I was just capable of picking myself up problem after problem. And when I say I had problems, I mean what I say, although in this place, I have to admit I've heard a lot more of bigger problems than mine. At the age of 13, I was criticised for the way I walked. I was bullied by a primary 4 kid when I was in primary 5 just because of my skin appearance. I had friends, but I never felt that I belonged to any groups.  I floated around different groups of people, but there were so many moments that I was left behind walking alone back from lab. Throughout my high school years, I never felt noticed although I achieved good grades. I never made it into major competitions although I was promised to be in one a year before. I didn't hold any important posts  (Being a normal prefect is so common in my school, you just need to behave well), never trusted for any big responsibilities, although I was one of those people who will walk up of stage every end of the year. I was noticed by some of my subject teachers as one of those attentive students, but never more than that. I was a silent achiever. I was living in insecurity, but no one knew. And even now, I find it hard to adapt in a place where the smart achievers here are the ones that are always in the limelight.

So when my grades were taken away from me, of course I feel the pain. I always thought that I could get my dad's attention by getting good grades. I always thought that by getting good grades, I will get a scholarship, study in another country, be like that neighbour, that second cousin, and that dude you saw in the town school magazine. Back then, I was insecure about so many things in my future, but I managed to pull through, and I have to say only God made that possible.

The future is still scary, in fact so scary now.

I cried a lot back then, but never complained. I felt dejected throughout my late secondary school years, still I don't remember myself complaining. I guess that's the difference now.

I guess now I complain too much, I don't even realise that this is just my temporary home.

 

Nope, I don't know anything about this singer. Just happened to listen to it one evening while I was listening to some random radio station on my phone. The lyrics just kept playing in my mind and it came back after I heard what my housemate told me.

And yeah, don't take me seriously. Just feeling a bit depressed after finishing my IELTS test and having 2 Bio reports still left undone.

What would happen if we could see our future? Would we choose to stop trying?

What If This Is You

You stare at the paper.

Your mind is blank.

You try to think.

Still blank.

Try harder, they say.

So you try harder.

Still blank.

That voice came again.

You're a loser. This is so easy. Why do you still don't understand. Why are you such an idiot.

Stop it, you say.

I'm not stupid, you say.

Why did I end up here again, you ask.

Then those clear drops just fell on your paper.

You run. You run. You feel like screaming. But it's just not the right place.

Millions of faces came into your mind.

Your mum. Your dad. Your friends.

Seek help. Don't do this to yourself, you say.

But the other you said, don't. Learn to face it yourself.

Grow up.

Then slowly you pick yourself up.

When the world looks at you as if you have never tried to do your best

You just know.

It's about time for you stop what you're doing.

It's about time for you to stop seeking help.

And start forcing yourself to get up.

Stay strong, buddy. This will end soon.

Picto-update

De-stressing again after speaking test. I don't deserve this time of  "oh-I-have-nothing-to-do", but ah, viewing my albums and realising on how I've not uploaded any of the latest photos since coming back from raya break just makes me feel weird.

I will upload all of them this semester break, since it's almost the end of the semester anyway. Once you've missed one album, it's just not right to start uploading a new one. That's why I didn't upload any at all. It's like piling up a Maths homework. Once you've stopped doing one topic, you won't feel like continuing the next.

This is what I've been up to with a real camera in my hands.

Balance-the-switch game. Housemate's room.

Balance-the-switch game. My room.

Admiring the beauty of the Akasian sky at 7.08am.

Realised that waking up early on a Saturday morning is fun.
Here's an unedited picture of my (almost broken) guitar.

Took pictures of a lot of people, because it's fun especially when they
are not posing for your camera.

September ended.

October came.

There are times when I find myself in the heights of euphoria, but indeed there are also times when I fall back into the depths of agony.

But sometimes, no matter what the doubts are all about, no matter how tough this journey is, it's these kind of photographs that will somehow whisper to you that the people around you are not there for nothing. And you are here not because of nothing as well. 

I still don't get why am I in this place, sometimes. 

Home is just one month away. I pray that even in the struggles, I can still find joy.

Yayyyy

No more Bio tests until finals. Yayyy.

IELTS speaking test on Friday. Yayyyyy.

De-stressing after a test paper is indeed one of the best feelings in college life. Just came back from a relaxing dinner time after a not so relaxing Bio test.

I had high hopes on Bio this time. I wanted to show improvement so that my first improvement won't look as if it was mere luck. But...ahhhh...too bad. I have to admit today's paper was tough. I expected it to be tougher than the previous one, and I was prepared to face it no matter how tough it would turn out to be.

No regrets. I did my best. I studied. I read the textbooks and understood the concepts. I did exercises. I sat on my study table like never before. I enjoyed Kreb's Cycle like dancing at a field on top of a hill with brown leaves falling from a huge tree. I didn't feel the burden in revising for this test. 

That's already a huge accomplishment for me.

If I don't get what I want, it's okay. :) I can do better in my finals, and I believe as long as I continue to do my part, God is always there looking at my effort. :)

__________________________________

Random updates?

I bought a red pair of shoes today muahahahaa. This is sooo not me, but a 10 bucks pair of shoes is not easy to forget, especially when your friend promoted it to you the first moment she saw you early in the morning XD Now there are 3 people in the CA committee with the same shoes but different colours hahahaha. 

Nothing much to update on, but yeah, as usual, I have a lot of random things to say, but not today. Maths is waiting.

See you after the finals.

Just kidding.

Octoberrrrrrrrrr

I kind of managed to deactivate my blog for almost 2 weeks, and I am indeed happy because it helped me to whine less hahahahaha.

September has been good, although there were still moments of failures. At least September taught me that I am actually capable of achieving something I could never imagine of last semester, but of course it is only achievable if and only if I do my part.

I'm still struggling with Maths/Stats and Chemistry, but the fear is less compared to last time after knowing that as long as I put extra effort, I'll soon be able to see the improvement, just like Bio. I thank God that He never gave up on me, although last month I keep on questioning my existence in this place. I still don't want my improvement in Bio to appear as mere luck, so the pressure is there to keep improving. Ahhhh.

And last night I just realised the fact that I've been clean from instant noodles for 2 months now.

Random info.

I see a crazy week ahead, in fact three crazy weeks ahead before study leave. Instead of seeing it as one whole period of torture, I guess what I will try to do is view all of these as days which I will have to venture one by one. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me, despite the fact that there'll certainly be so many days where I'll end up in dilemma. Time is so precious now, I feel super guilty whenever I stay too long on fb, hold my guitar, or sleep too much. 

Motivation is still high. I love the moments when my mum calls me and ask me what I'm doing. I can answer happily that I'm studying, because most of the time, I am studying. Although I study not as much as my housemates, I know that I'm enjoying what I'm doing now.

I might still fail my Chemistry topic test, I might be falling into emo-ness again. But a little self-pity will do. The next morning I'm going to wake up and start moving forward again, I promise.