Two days ago I went out for dinner with one of my housemates, just the two of us. We don't normally go out to eat together nowadays, and in our hostel, we don't normally talk about serious matters. We don't share about our worries and problems. We just talk and joke around. However that evening she told me something that she has been thinking of lately.
Everything in life is so temporary. What's the meaning? We try to chase for different things, achieve a lot of things, which in the end are meaningless. What's the purpose of life?
I wasn't ready to give any answers because at this stage, I am also trying to figure out what's my purpose here. I wanted to share with her the only thing I am certain of is that I am still living and is still kept alive because God still wants to use me, but being the always-silly-and-never-serious Fee in front of my housemates, I just kept that inside.
Or probably because, in my certainty, I also keep some doubts.
I don't get it sometimes why do we worry too much about our future. I have never been this worried about my future, to be honest. I started worrying when I finished high school. Then the moment I found out that I was given a place in this college, I stopped worrying.
When I was in Form 2 my Maths teacher, Mr. Song, shared and introduced the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for the very first time in my life. Back then, I was a very optimistic teen. I was almost never shaken by the problems around me. I wasn't problem-free, I was just capable of picking myself up problem after problem. And when I say I had problems, I mean what I say, although in this place, I have to admit I've heard a lot more of bigger problems than mine. At the age of 13, I was criticised for the way I walked. I was bullied by a primary 4 kid when I was in primary 5 just because of my skin appearance. I had friends, but I never felt that I belonged to any groups. I floated around different groups of people, but there were so many moments that I was left behind walking alone back from lab. Throughout my high school years, I never felt noticed although I achieved good grades. I never made it into major competitions although I was promised to be in one a year before. I didn't hold any important posts (Being a normal prefect is so common in my school, you just need to behave well), never trusted for any big responsibilities, although I was one of those people who will walk up of stage every end of the year. I was noticed by some of my subject teachers as one of those attentive students, but never more than that. I was a silent achiever. I was living in insecurity, but no one knew. And even now, I find it hard to adapt in a place where the smart achievers here are the ones that are always in the limelight.
So when my grades were taken away from me, of course I feel the pain. I always thought that I could get my dad's attention by getting good grades. I always thought that by getting good grades, I will get a scholarship, study in another country, be like that neighbour, that second cousin, and that dude you saw in the town school magazine. Back then, I was insecure about so many things in my future, but I managed to pull through, and I have to say only God made that possible.
The future is still scary, in fact so scary now.
I cried a lot back then, but never complained. I felt dejected throughout my late secondary school years, still I don't remember myself complaining. I guess that's the difference now.
I guess now I complain too much, I don't even realise that this is just my temporary home.
Nope, I don't know anything about this singer. Just happened to listen to it one evening while I was listening to some random radio station on my phone. The lyrics just kept playing in my mind and it came back after I heard what my housemate told me.
And yeah, don't take me seriously. Just feeling a bit depressed after finishing my IELTS test and having 2 Bio reports still left undone.
What would happen if we could see our future? Would we choose to stop trying?
