Thankful

It's been a good day.

Thinking back of all the things I've said and done, how I wish I never uttered those words, never felt those feelings.

Growing up is a trial and error process, I guess.

Fix You

I never knew this song existed, not until earlier this month when it was featured in my church's campus Christmas production.

When I listened to the first line, it felt like this was the song I've been searching for all these while.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

If I were to listen to this back in a few years ago, it might have meant nothing to me.

So when I found out that my neighbour living downstairs agreed to make a song cover together, I suggested this song.

This is my first ever song collab recording with a friend. It has always been my dream to play music with friends and record songs together. Looking forward to more chances in the future.

Goodbye 3rd Sem, Hello Home

It's nice to live in a place where there's a fridge in the kitchen.

I arrived home safely after a tiring day, and after sleeping for only three hours last night. Because of the sudden plan to go outing (it was fun!), I had to stay up late to clear off my room (college rules..) so I woke up feeling like a zombie, feeling both dizzy and tired.

And because this time I wasn't alone going to the airport, waiting didn't become such an emo time. I decided to observe people less and reflect on a few things more. Or should I say I was actually dozing off while waiting. Even Facebook became not so fun to go to.

One memorable thing I experienced today is that Mr. Customs Officer detected a pair of scissors inside my guitar bag while scanning it. And I didn't even know it was hidden there. I denied like a thousand times after he failed to find it, so Mr. Boyfriend had to go through the scanner again. I felt like a criminal.

Apparently he was right, there was a pair of scissors hidden in between some sheets of lyrics kept in my file inside the bag. And worst thing is that we found it only after he touched/looked through my not-so-clean bedsheet which I wrapped my guitar with, let's say it's for extra padding. (Obviously no, it's just a tactic to not to get my luggage to be overweight). And I had to take everything out, including my 'diary' which he flipped through (fearing a pair of scissors to be in between the pages?) and a pair of dirty socks I didn't know where to stuff in (but he was to scared to search for it there..muahahaha).

And one funny thing is that the scissors wasn't even mine, it belonged to my junior who was there at that moment. Somehow I accidentally kept the scissors after some CA/CR project we had. So sad. She had to accept the fact that they had to take it away just moments after her reunion with the lost item.

Waiting was cool, I'm perfectly fine with waiting without doing anything. Mastered the art of it after a few semesters in college. Seeing two fellow Kuchingites (names shall not be revealed..) leaving in an earlier flight of course made me feel jelly.

One hour later, it was my turn to board the flight...and due to a few delays, we had to wait for about another half an hour, which..was..so..torturing..because..all..I..wanted..to..do..was..to...sleep....

So I slept for half the journey, which was one of the most uninteresting flights I've even been in. Babies were crying in synchrony (I'm not lying..they sounded like a contagious choir thingy, one after another, and in the end together..). Boy behind me kept on kicking my seat (couldn't give my legendary deadly glare, because his mum was there..). And as usual there were moments of heart attacks when the plane hit the clouds. 

Fast forward fast forward.

I reached safely (yays..) and Kuching was drizzling. 

Kitty is still fat, but lacking the love she used to receive.

My bedroom is ridiculously neat and tidy (now not anymore..)

There's no worries about being hungry at 2am.

I love my parents even more after exchanging stories. And I laughed like crazy joking around with my third sister who is still my best friend.

I'm sitting on a bed that doesn't squeak. Aahhhh.

And I played my guitar, sang in the bathroom, did everything that I really miss doing.

Looking back on my third semester, yes, it was a hard time. Time passed by so fast. There were times when things went so fun, there were also times when life seemed to be so stressful. Gave up a million times. Got motivated again a million times as well. Failures were and are still there. But I achieved quite a number of things too. Sometimes I felt all alone, but most of the time everyone was still there.

I'm not sure of what's going to happen next semester. Yes, the fear never left me. But I know I have less than two months to mend things before the new semester starts.

To those who had been helping me to continue having hope and directing me back to God, I just want to thank you guys. Seriously. I remember most of the things. Even small matters. I survived my third semester not by my own strength.

This is it, time to remember my promises and try to fulfil them one by one.

Aha

I found this minutes ago while watching a video about songwriting. Interesting thought.

"Just be diligent about doing it, don’t judge yourself, don’t think it sucks, because it doesn't,  no matter what. And you know what, if someone thinks it sucks then forget them, who cares. You think it sucks? Well be thankful that you're writing a song, finish it, then judge it. You don't like it? Write another one. But then you have that one under your belt, you see, you grow. Create as many songs as you want."

-Tony Brucco.

No..vem..berrrr

It's hard to not post about emo stuffs.

Been one week since the start of November, and this is the rarest moments where you see me not blogging for days. I was too lazy to talk to myself and show it to the whole world. Well I guess that's good.

C4 was bad. I never love Maths, but as I look back, if anything happens to my results for Maths this time, I'm not going to say I didn't study. Because I did. I studied more than last sem. And it was torturing. I don't know how to teach myself Maths, so I had to watch videos. I thought it was better than weeping like a mad woman, staring at the textbooks and exercises without eventually gaining anything. I somehow think it's useful, but it doesn't help much when you're on your headphones for 4 continuous hours. Again, it was a torture. The voice of that guy explaining the lessons in the video kept on ringing in my head.

And the moment the lecturer said times up, put down your pen, that was one of the biggest relief I had. Because I've been waiting for that moment. I've been battling with my own voice, seeming to be rebelling and shouting "whennn is this going to enddddd?"

All I want to do now is to get myself back in my own bedroom and have my own time and space. I mean my own bedroom. The one with the Santa Cruz. The one where I can lay on the cold floor while reading my novels. The one where I can sit and listen to pigeons, not crows. The one which I can treat like my jam studio. 

Out of all the things I miss, I miss being myself. I miss being crazy. I miss the moments when I can just act as if I don't care.