Thoughts on Turning Twenty

I always thought I was going to die at 16, or 18, don't ask me why, because truthfully I don't know why.

Here I am today. I smile a lot better in pictures compared to four or five years ago, and despite so many moments of hopelessness, I've lived through them just because I don't dare to injure myself. Or probably just because I haven't had the chance to own an electric guitar yet. For whichever reason it shall be, I'm just trying to say that sometimes life really sucks but it's impressive how you wait for another morning and expect better things to come your way.

God is still in the picture, although I've been misunderstood so many times due to my abrupt decisions and unfathomable actions. For that reason, I've learnt to keep silent to a few individuals and parties, not because of resentment, but more because the fear of being judged, for I know well that the human mind is of immeasurable complexity - one moment your flaws are revealed, they stop looking at you the way they did in the first place.

I'd like to not over-complicate my thoughts about my Creator, or measure my faith by my deeds, and if people around me will care to respect my point of view, I'd be grateful enough that someone understands.

These past two years has honestly been a humbling experience, although I also know that that was not necessarily true - humble, I say, but some moments I fight, I rebel, I hate, and I shout in anger within my mind. However it was these moments which taught me well on how to not judge those on the streets, those who give up on their lives, and those who are merely floating like worthless dust, and those who blame God and others. I've learnt that what you say to a hopeless person can do two things - either build or break, and sometimes both. I've learnt that sometimes those who are silent are not necessarily ignorant, and sometimes anger is just a shield built by an individual, with the hope that someone else will try to help to break it. Anger is temporary, and when someone never gives up on an angry, screaming person, things can change. Or so I believe.

I'm talking crap, I know, but with this blog entry, I just want to share my heart out, what it feels like to be still alive, filled with emotions and questions, uncertainties and the yearning to be understood, accepted, and loved, despite having a heart packed to the brim with imperfections and disappointment.

I am Fee, and that was an honest entry. Whether you like it or not, it's OK. It's not to late to stay away from me, or continue loving me like you already have been doing. It's your choice, and I can read obvious actions, so don't worry. 

Forgive me for any confusing statements, and thank you to those who have been making my world a wonderful place to live in.

Goodbye CA

I should be sleeping now. But I ended up here, just a few days after I said I got no time to express my feelings.

"Exams are making us busier, but still I don't want to neglect my friends," a friend told me last week on the bus back to hostel. I smiled, but truthfully, I rolled my eyes. Don't we all do that, out of our own realisation, I asked myself. I missed two CAs this semester, for the first time since I came here. I missed so many other things as well, just because I needed time to study for my trials. Or so I thought. 

I got back that feeling tonight. That feeling that I need friends. That realisation that for the past few weeks, or perhaps months, I've been avoiding too many people because I thought I could've handled everything by my own. Or maybe should've, rather than could've.

Campus Alive is the best thing God gave to me in INTEC. 

Even before entering INTEC, I can still remember, I was so excited to find out about CA. And my first semester was one of the most memorable semesters I had here. It's hard to describe that feeling, and as I look back, I just can't think of a word to say about my experience of being part of CA. From that shy, socially awkward kid, that kid who thought she was a loser with no talents, I've changed. I learned to love people, and to be honest I'm still struggling about that, but I've improved, at least. Yes, there were times of doubt, but CA has helped me to know God more, and perhaps I won't still be here if it's not because of what He's been doing through CA and through many people I knew from CA.

Times flies. I hate to think that it's my last CA today. There are so many moments to cherish. I would love to return there one day if I have the chance, yet I know things will never be the same. 

The fellowship, encouragement, hugs, prayers. That van. Those Thursday evenings. Those flyers on Facebook. That acoustic guitar. That kopitiam. So many things. Surely these past two years in CA is one of the greatest blessings I experienced here.

One of my fears is the fear of leaving INTEC one day with regrets. Not many understand what I always try to say. I love CA so much, and because of that, one day when I look back to my days in this college, I don't want to associate those days with bad memories and regrets. That's why no matter what, I'm still holding on to the belief that I am going to fly. So that one day I can smile and laugh about my days in CA. And say that I've made it to the end.

Thank You God for CA. Because through Campus Alive, I am still alive. :)

He Will Carry You

There is no problem too big God cannot solve it

There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it

There is no storm too dark He cannot calm it

There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it

If He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders

I know my brother that He will carry you

If He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders

I know my sister that He will carry you

He said come unto Me, all who are weary

And I will give you rest

45 Days To Go

..45 days to go before my first A-Level exam paper.

Blogging? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Don't play play with me when I'm serious. I sacrificed my guitar for a month. It's not difficult to sacrifice anything else. 

I remember those who told me I can't, those who looked me in the eyes and doubted my capabilities, those who talked to me as if I never tried.

Now's not the time for me to think of them.

Express my feelings? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

...

Why am I so weak?..

I'm tired of everything.