Garg

Garg is supposed to sound like those crows in Akasia.

Anyway..

I just crossed out tomorrow's date (and paper) from my handmade calendar on the wall, and exclaimed garg! coz it was obviously a mistake. 

My mind is so disoriented I don't even know am I supposed to laugh or cry, or do both. If I have no paper tomorrow, I would've already shoot balls outside. I mean, shoot basketballs. Or shoot ONE basketball, repeatedly. Whatever.

Before my paper started I was left with a question which required me to make a decision, and I'm obviously bad in making decisions, probably because of a faulty frontal lobe. So brain asked brain "Hey brain, what do you think I should do?"

And then brain froze.

Brain needs to unfreeze.

BRAIN, WHY YOU LIKE TO THINK TOO MUCH??

Midnight Musings

Done with one paper. Still want to do more. Taking a break for a while, and thought of something random.

I'll take a line from David Cook's song, "...watched all the bitterness burn"..

I hate to say this, but I admit, I've been keeping too much bitterness for so long, I can't even trace back since when I started to respond differently to certain people in my life. I am against any sort of disrespect, I believe strongly in the importance of honouring others, yet tonight, I won't lie, what happened to me since early 2012  changed me so much, I dare not think of what I've done.

I wonder if those people really did care for me in the first place, or did they stop caring because I drew away from them? Did they think that I no longer needed their help? Did they think I am not worth their time and concern? Did they see no positive changes in me, and gave up? Or did they do that because they thought I needed my own space?

I know my faults.

I reacted coldly. I drew away. I probably showed anger. I made abrupt decisions without asking or discussing. I stopped asking for advice. I hurt their feelings through my reactions, perhaps. Or probably in the first place, they did not care much. I was not worth their time and effort.

Let me throw to you one question, what is the meaning of encouraging those who are readily encouraged? 

There are millions of discouraged people out there. But most important of all, I think we should put in mind that they might fall into two categories:

Both discouraged, but one is easy to teach, while the other is stubborn, rebellious, good-for-nothing.

I know which category do I belong to.

Unless that person can give a second try in encouraging me, chances are, I might change my perception. After a brief first try, but afterwards..gone? Sorry, but I think you might be faking your kindness. I know, I'm mean. But I guess most of us yearns for a person who will never give up on us, no matter what our actions and reactions are.

Let me throw to you my question again,

What is the point of encouraging those who are readily encouraged, and ignoring the discouraged, while you're talking about how you care much about people's life?

This is a harsh entry, forgive me if it doesn't sound like me. But to be honest, I've watched all my bitterness burn, and since when was that? Since I stopped caring much about following what other people wanted me to do. 

Do I still believe in God? Yes. Am I angry with God? Why should I? Can I prove that I love God? No, because I don't need to, if doing that merely gives me attention from people which may cause my faith to change into pride.

I've changed. Do I like it? No. But if that change can help me to release my bitterness, I don't mind.

I don't know why I'm writing this out..on a public blog. Go ahead, judge me, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just somebody who's learning to grow up.

Goodbye AS

Some farewells happen without any goodbyes.

I was thinking of that line last night. Thinking of writing a song. But I don't have my guitar, so I guess I need to wait for one more month.

Anyway, back to the topic, my AS papers are officially over - which means I'm more than halfway through everything. It is indeed a remarkable achievement, regardless of the outcome, I'm thankful that I've pulled through this far.

One of my lecturers told me that luck plays its role in exams.

It's hard to agree or disagree, but the statement that followed sounded like this,

"If you did well before this, it's not a reason to be proud. If you didn't do well, don't get discouraged."

And one of my classmates just told me that as long as we do our best, everything's going to be fine.

Remarkable how words can inject the courage in us. 

I sound as if I'm contradicting my own statements in my previous entries, but yeah, that just happens sometimes. Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful for having friends and lecturers who have been there once to encourage me. They don't have to be there all the time. That's life. I realise the truth that some people will only be in your life for a season and there's an obvious reason behind that. We grow. We learn, then move on.

Before I get philosophical, now I declare it's time to get ready for basketball, then dinner, then revision.

Some Days..

Some days I just feel more thankful than ever that God sent me to live in this place, for no one else knows how peaceful this little town can be without all the drama and conflict.

I enjoy making my own decisions here, living life with the silence that I choose occasionally. If silence brings peace, why not?

June

Hunger struck me as I (almost) completed my marathon of 160 Chemistry objective questions.

Of course, when hunger strikes at night, I won't think of biscuits or bread.

It's always those kind of meaty, oily, crunchy, salty stuff which will end up in my mind.

Upon seeing my final packet of instant noodle which has been lying inside the plastic bag for at least two months, I shallowed hard, weighing the pros and cons of having instant noodles two days before a Bio paper that I would dream to ace.

Not that I'm not eating preservative-rich food at all..but somehow what my dad always reminds me makes me scared that my already-not-so-stable state of intelligence will be further affected. 

Then..my eyes landed on that cylindrical air-tight container which has been remained untouched..for probably half a semester. Chocolate-flavoured milk powder. Nestum. And good old oat. Yucks. Of course when I first bought them it was the starting of the semester, and there was this weird determination of eating healthy stuff. But as time goes by, well..I get tired of healthy food.

Tonight apparently there are no other options, unless I want to change into track pants and put on my jacket, march towards the burger stall and wait for 5 minutes or so.

So I poured three tablespoons of honey into the mug containing boiling water and nestum, and suddenly remembered about that small carton of milk-flavoured-milk (again, half a semester untouched) and decided to mix it in, because chocolate-flavoured milk plus honey is beyond my willingness to swallow.

Smells good.

Whatever happens to me in a few more hours, I shall bear full responsibility.

This is lame, but somehow I love how 'interesting' life can be during the moments of desperation (a.k.a exam season). I will miss this way of life when everything will be finally over in less than a month. Well hello June. Nice to meet you.