I Feel Like Writing..

I've been blogwalking on my own blog (oh, how narcissistic..) and I realised that time really passes by so quickly.

Thespeechlessdustbin has been a blog with redundant posts about failure, disappointment, and depression. 2014 is almost ending but I strongly think that nothing will ever change--not at least in one or two or three years. The pessimist inside of me (yes, it's inside me, not just a side of me) says that this will continue to be the dustbin of my emotions.

Since I'm in a good mood to write tonight, I guess I'll just write whatever that comes into my mind.

First of all, I'm quite happy with the pathway that I've chosen.

By saying the pathway, what I truly mean is that I'm happy with my current life goal. Four to eight years ago my goal was to become a doctor, and now I no longer give a shit about that life goal. Shows how much I'm not fit to become one in the first place haha. For that, I am actually thankful that the road suddenly changed direction.

However, I admit that I am frequently disturbed by the guilt that I'm sure I'll have to carry for the rest of my life. Guilt number one is the taxpayers' money. I scold myself every single night for this and I still can't get over it. Guilt number two is that I'm getting older and I wasted my years. I no longer feel guilty for disappointing my parents, which is good, because I know they love me no matter what my achievements are. I just have to stay like me (ie. dont kill myself, don't do drugs, don't follow a bad guy etc.) and one day I can show them that their sacrifices are worth it.

And what I'm not happy about is that my current environtment is really testing my patience. If last time, in Intec, my main concern was about finding my self-worth, waking up everyday to not feel like a loser, well now, it's a complicated business. Now my concern is more about the people around me. How I struggle each day to dodge through people who I'll never understand. And right now my true struggle is to shut up and try to be a wallflower instead of a smartass because I admit, each day I struggle to not feel superior. Heard of a quote saying that "If you think you're the smartest in the room, you're in the wrong room"? Well that's enough to make me feel that perhaps I chose the wrong place.

I'm not saying that I'm the smartest. But then each day I struggle to not start a debate with a tutor, to inform them that they got the concept wrong, to remind them that they give breaks for tooooo long per class, and I pay for the class man, so just teach and don't cheat on my money. I want to correct them nicely when they say "independence" instead of "interdependence" and I often feel restless in class. The girl next to me is watching a Korean show on her phone. The class is wild. No one wants to learn.

No wonder Mike Rosenberg dropped out of school when he was 16.

And there were two main highlights of last semester (that recently ended) which really broke my heart and caused me to analyse my thoughts.

Number one, I gave a negative evaluation to a tutor. Evaluations are supposed to be confidential, but not this one. I literally bashed a tutor and they wanted to know my identity. Who would've thought that I could be so heartless? It's been weeks and I still bash myself for being so stupid and senseless and heartless for being too honest.

I almost apologised personally during the last class, but the tutor bashed me back openly (in a subtle way of course) so I changed my mind.

Now I've made not only one, but two (and possibly more) enemies in college.

Another tutor badmouthed me saying that I'm a snobbish person who thinks I'm too smart to be in that college, which I find amusing and stupid and pure evil at the same time. However, deep down, (not really deep down), I'm pretty confident it was partly because of the evaluation incident, so deep down (again, not really deep down), I think I deserve being badmouthed anyway.

So this tutor accused me of reading a book while he was teaching.

Again, other people were playing with their expensive phones, some were staring blankly at the wall, and I, who put some effort to listen, check the facts from the textbook, and copy, was the bad person. How unfortunate.

And day by day I listen to friends who talk about friends and how friends are rude to a tutor while friends themselves are rude. Dang. The cycle. That cycle.

Enough with the story of the semester. It still makes me examine my morals though, to be honest. I truly regret that I gave the negative evaluation, I really do, but I hate them, I hate the system, I hate the politics for betraying my rights to be heard and my rights to remain confidential as agreed beforehand. So I'm trapped in between pretending that I don't know anything (or I don't give a damn) and I know my mistakes and I should humble myself, apologise, and we should live happily ever after and I could graduate well from that place and be the kid who pleases everyone.

But then this past year has shown me how innocence and any attempts to be humble might actually harm an individual. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all of my innocence and nice thoughts about people. How I wish the people here are like the people in Intec.

So yeah, I'm a lot more heartless now. It would be weird to meet up or catch up with Intec friends because I no longer feel like one of them. I'm actually scared, but I'm trying my best to just ignore all these stuff. I no longer know myself. It's confusing.

Other than that, there's actually not much of any other updates. It's a boring journey but I'm tyring to make it interesting and remember that I'm lucky to have the time with my family.

I'd welcome any thoughts or opinion about my situation if any of you think that I shouldn't have done what I've done. Help me become a better person. Help me to learn from my mistakes. Help me to live a peaceful and happy life.

Sorry, I just had to make a stupid joke.

December Book Haul

First of all, I'm excitedddddd because my holiday has just started. Exam was OK then ended in a terrifying way (I didn't study hard enough for the last paper, I admit) and now I am no longer confident of getting the cash I always dreamt of if you get into the Dean's List. Bye bye keyboards (the musical instrument, not the one you use for typing).

Anyway because of exam (and the absence of my third sister who always became my driver), I had to postpone my plans of going to this book fair which actually started a few weeks back. A bit sad to think of because I'm sure all the good and popular titles must have been purchased by those who visited earlier.

I kept a mindset about budgeting before setting off (I need to save up for Passenger's gig, remember?) so that I could stop becoming that reckless book buyer I used to be. I've decided that life's too short to buy books recklessly (no, the main thing is that MY ROOM IS TOO SMALL) so I need to choose wisely or else I'm going to be one of those book hoarders. 

After a lot of reckless grabbing and emotional let-it-go's, I ended up buying:

What people did not know: I had to let go The Kite Runner, Water for Elephants, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Harlan Coben hardbacks, lots of potential books I failed to discover because I didn't have enough time to search all of the piles--which is one big sad case.

I'm not that sad though. The Kite Runner and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time weren't in really good conditions. I wasn't so sure I'd be enjoying Water for Elephants. And all three can be easily found in Popular bookstores anytime I want if I'm really interested to read them in the future. The hardbacks were still quite pricey (OKayyyyy 10 bucks ain't pricey, but then if I get 10 of them I'd be spending 100 bucks...)

So...I think the ones that I'm really happy about are A Painted House, The Lovely Bones, and Atonement. Andddd Skipping Christmas is in excellent condition (almost illogical to be second-hand!), my mum said maybe it was a Christmas present and the person didn't like it hahaha my mum is the wisest person on earth. It was so beautiful and it's almost Christmas, so yeah, I just had to buy it.

A Painted House is actually a book that I've read before one year ago in Intec (Thank you, Intec library!). It left me with a bittersweet ending so it's like one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. I thought I should own a copy because, er, it's like one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. Genius idea, right?!

I don't know from where did I first heard about Atonement but then I've always been curious about it. And The Lovely Bones is like always appearing in Goodreads' Listopias so yeah why not.

One Perfect Day is one of the books in my to-read shelf on Goodreads. To be really honest I don't know how did it end up there. I don't even remember when and why did I save it.

The Iliad and The Prince is just one of my stupid efforts to look smart and well-read. Two bucks each, so yeah, just in case I turn into one of those kind of people who reads these kind of things..I better just store them up. It's really hard to find titles like these in my place anyway.

Reading about Writing, British History, and Tales of Mystery and Terror weren't planned but kind of sparked a lot of interest in me (most important of all they're all cheap, 3-5 bucks each) so I decided to just grab them. Reading about Writing was written by a professor from Rutgers, it's quite an old book but then the contents are really interesting and insightful.

British History is a small fat book with a chronology of historical events that happened in Britain since the beginning of time. Sort of like a mini dictionary, and a TL; DR history book. Fun fun funnn.

Tales of Mystery and Terror is a collection of stories written by Edgar Allan Poe. There's this dude on my facebook whom I got to know from a forum donkey years ago (we almost became college mates, I still kept him even when we didn't end up in the same college because I ditched that one for Intec), who seems to be really interested in the works of Poe. So..because I think this dude is cool, I should also check out his favourite author. I know, I'm weird, but then who doesn't check out something because someone else likes it? Haha. The front cover is so damn scary but I'm trying to be brave and put the book far away at night.

I'm quite happy that I found good books today wheeee and there will be one more book fair before the year ends. I feel like going back to this same book fair before it ends because somehow I think I missed a lot of titles in piles that I didn't search though. I'm jealous of those who could go to the Big Bad Wolf sales but then if you can't get what you love, you learn to love the things you've got!

Sorry, I just had to insert those Passenger lyrics in everything that I type.

Reality Hit Me

I was talking with my mum a few seconds ago when suddenly I thought of something that I've never thought of before. Or maybe I have thought of it, but never really given it a time to ponder upon.

I've been living in two worlds.

I might have also lived in many worlds.

To put it in a more comprehensible picture, my life has generally been divided into:

• At Scotland (sweet childhood memories) and after Scotland. (a mixture of both good and bad memories).

• At Wira Jaya (all fun and play) and at Semenggok/Penrissen (adolescence and exposure to real-life drama/overly dramatic people).

• At Intec (where life was hard but the people were the best on the planet) and after Intec (where I'm back to the Semenggok/Penrissen phase of life).

• Also not to mention MRSM where my first failure in life occured.

So that's all in all like seven worlds but some are overlapping and I don't know how to explain it.

And what makes me post this post is that I've failed to realise all this while that:

• I've been knowing the richest of the rich circle of friends (I'm talking about financially rich) and I've also known friends who are in the opposite situation.

• I've mixed with the smartest group of people in the nation, almost elite, and now I'm mixing with average achievers who are looked down upon, and I've seen some who don't even care about their grades, skipping classes, not doing assignments, dropping out and all that.

• I've mixed with the most courteous, most friendly circle of friends, and I've seen school gangsters burn rubbish bins, had a cigarette butt accidentally thrown only millimetres away from my eyebrow, and now I'm sort of living the thug life once again where I feel almost insecure of walking alone because most people are far from being courteous.

• I've heard stories of happy families, where mum and dad loves friend A so much, and I've heard stories of really not-so-happy families like friend B who has parents who don't really care about her education, or friend C whose dad remarried when she was 12, or friend D who has cut marks all over her arms, and friend D who once ran away from home. I can go on writing this list until forever. And it's barely been half a year that I've been enrolled in this new place, but many has opened up to sad sad stories.

Reality hit me that probably I came back to this old life because I didn't learn enough. I didn't open my eyes enough and I wasn't qualified to continue living the Intec kind of life where everybody seemed to be a good diverse mixture of what makes a utopian society. And the world needs bridges. The world needs people who know how to both respect those who are damn rich and damn poor. The world needs people who know not to say that rich people are arrogant and poor people are lazy. The world needs to know that we just have to respect the happy, respect the sad, respect the mentally-ill, respect those who try hard to achieve their almost impossible dreams--and if you can't respect, if you can't say a good thing out of it, learn to not give a damn. 

What am I really trying to say here? I don't know. I just feel that some people haven't seen enough of two worlds. I haven't seen enough of two worlds. And the longer I think about it, the more I hear myself say that if this is what it takes for me to stop living in my own fear, then maybe the idea of living in many worlds is a good one after all. You don't need a special programme to join in order to meet new acquaintances who face many weird things in life. It's just you, going through many levels of life, many worlds in one life, like a wild traveller who greets people along the way.

Maybe that's what life is all about, like Tetris Battle where you can always get up to another level--and also get back to the previous level if you haven't learnt enough to overcome your current level. In Tetris Battle you don't die. The game never ends--it only ends when you stop playing altogether and delete the game from your Facebook account.

It's almost illogical to go up, up, up in Tetris Battle. In one point of the game, there will be a time where you'll fall back to the previous level. And it really is a pain in the nerves. But when you've gone though both levels, you'll know that the whole game is not so bad after all.

I haven't written crap like this for so long.

Achievement Unlocked

I boarded a bus alone today. I mean..I boarded a city bus alone..from the city centre..alone..I mean in a crowd of strangers.

I used to go to school by bus for six years. Buses are cool. Buses makeyour soul feel liberated. Creaky old city buses I mean. Not the kind of air-conditioned buses I used to hop on in Intec. 

It's been a tiring week but I think this bus day really made me feel good. 

I know, I sound drunk.. Forgive me. I just miss having the feeling I had in SA--the feeling that I am old enough to take care of myself without troubling my parents.

I admit I miss being alone and not feeling awkward or scared of being alone. It's very hard to do so in my current uni. No one wants to be alone because the alonekid (I say alonekid because I don't want to say lonely)  will be called a freak. People start asking you whether you're okay when you're alone. It's like going to high school all over again..with all the stupid childish dramas and gossips. Dang, I'm going off-topic again..

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I really am. I just needed to rant because I have a PhD in Rantingology.

Avoiding the World

We shook hands. We finally shook hands after about 4 or 5 times I've successfully avoided him in the course of a year.

A year! And I thought I could get away with it.

This time there was no more running away. No more place to run, because I wasn't at home. I didn't have my room, my haven, my magic little mousehole.

Smile and shake hands, I told to myself. Just smile and get ready for the ultimate question.

Oh, ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? 

I knew it. I knew it. He was going to ask this.

Back then, the question that I hated the most in college was "When are you going back home?" which was frequently asked before any short holidays. And the answer was always, well umm, "I'm not going back."

ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? is now officially my new most hated question.

>Sending a birthday wish to an old acquaintance:

Me: Happy birthday!

Old acquaintance: Thanks! Are you back for the holidays?

>Bumping into an old classmate's mum at a Sunday market (out of all places...)

Me: *smile*

Woman: OH YOU'RE BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS??

>Seeing an old relative who I avoided for one year:

Me: *Shake hands* 

(Let's call him grandpa..): ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

Then haha, of course I had to do some explanation. Did I tell you that the world doesn't like short answers? They're never satisfied with short answers!

Where are you now then?...

What course are you taking?...

What really happened?...

And I find my brain developing new theories about this person who I'm talking to. I analyse his face. I recall his past judgements. I weave all of these thoughts together like I'm weaving a traditional mat. Let's call this whole business as a mental presumption. 

I recall him sitting at one of the sofas in my home, talking about an uncle who is gay. Or who he assume is gay. I recalled how he made his theories about failed parenting, and I could sense the sneer in his voice as he said how gay this uncle is.

I recall him frequently asking about a failed marriage which occurred to someone close in my life. How he crafts his questions carefully to get answers but never providing anything beneficial. No advice, no nothing. All I ever heard was judgement by judgement. A thousand little hypotheses, zero solutions. Zero compassion.

I shook his hands. 

I still shook his hands.

But my mind was wandering.

She must've had a boyfriend.

She must've had too much fun.

She wasn't so bright after all.

She mixed with the wrong kind of people.

If he could sneer at a homosexual, if he could sneer at a marriage that failed, he could absolutely sneer at me.

And that's not important.

I thought those who spoke God's words, read God's words, and spread God's words ought to show compassion, but all that I'm seeing in this past one year is that what you show is not always what you practise. 

"Oh, come on, he's only human", you'd say.

Oh well yes he's only human and he fails just like I do.

But you get the gist here, don't you?

Forgive me if this sounds offensive, but here's what it is:-

This is why some people avoid the world.

This is why some people avoid the Church.

What have we done today, that made people shy away from accepting what we call God's grace?

I ain't no expert, and to be honest I haven't been talking much about what I've kept so long in my heart. But really, if we focused more on being a friend instead of merely evangelising to a friend, maybe people would see religion as something spiritual, and not just something about sneering at and correcting others.

I admit, I am a stubborn human being. I hate being corrected unless people correct me with a little pinch of compassion.

So I avoid the world, and I don't know when will I stop running.

I'd probably even bump into a relative 6 or 7 years from now and still find them asking me:-

"Which hospital are you working at??"

I promise I won't be shocked.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...