New Addition to the Family

Theodore Hamish NoSurnameYet

I bought a violin today. I finally bought it after about one year really wanting to have one.

The name Theodore kind of appeared randomly into my mind so I said, uh, why not. And Hamish sounds okay. I have a childhood friend named Hamish. I found his Facebook but I didn't dare to add him. John Watson's middle name is Hamish. Enough reasons to make me love that name. Theodore Hamish may not sound like a beautiful combination but I'm too lazy to think of new names. I'm thinking way too hard for a perfect surname, I'm beginning to feel tired (being in college from 8 to 4 isn't helping).

Story-telling time.

So like the dress I bought with my housemate Queen for the Annual Grand Dinner back in June 2013, this took me less than 30 minutes to buy. It's like, uh,

Me: I'm looking for a vvvviolin (stuttered, too nervous, really). Beginner. Adult size.

Lady: *Shows some fancy violin in some fancy glass-door cabinet*

Me: I'd like to take the cheapest.

Lady: We have some RM 600 ones too.

Me: NO. I'M UNDER A TIGHT BUDGET.

Okay, just kidding, that was a little bit of exaggeration there. But the part about buying it in less than 30 minutes was true. I'm a reckless buyer. I didn't even TOUCH the violin because I was too shy. I didn't want people too see that I don't even know how to hold it properly, and what I really should inspect. Asked the lady "Is this set up already? Like errrr will I be able to start off playing right away?" Noob detected hahaha. So she asked a music teacher upstairs to tune it for me. And I stood there like an idiot, paid everything, entered the car, and realised that danggg I don't have consumer skills. If that's even a thing.

Theo's on my bed now. I still don't know how to hold the bow properly even after watching a thousand YouTube tutorials since last year. I played random notes that sounded like a seal giving birth. I wish I have a vivid memory about how I played my first chord on the guitar back in 2005. People weren't kidding. Guitar is a lot easier than violin I guess.

My dad doesn't look so happy with my decision of buying Theo hahaha. One of my sisters used to play violin in primary school for about 2 years I think before she and her friends were asked to buy violins for themselves if they wanted to get involved more seriously in the school orchestra. My mum said my dad didn't want to purchase one for my sister (I was about 3 years old at that time, so I don't know much about it). All I know is that my sister stopped bringing the violin home (dang, I remember that yellow sponge she used to have--I'm going to ask her what was that for) and after some time I guess she stopped playing because she could no longer use the school's one. That was also the last time I saw and touched a violin I think.

So yeah, I'm not planning to play like a pro. I just want to have fun with it. Play one or two sad tunes, get emo, get the feels, play some folk tunes. I just want to learn new stuffs. I don't know, it's weird but learning new stuffs makes me feel excited to live hahah.

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On an unrelated note, I was inside a building with a fire burning in one of its kitchens today. I suck at explaining, but I was having my lunch with a bunch of classmates at town, in an eatery located at the topmost floor of the shopping mall. A lady suddenly yelled "Fire!" and we were all still eating because everyone was cool about it. I was being quite selfish (*Ugh, I need to eat, cos I have class at 2pm, and I ain't going anywhere before I finish my food!*) The fire alarm rang once. "Ergh that's just the smoke detector, sensitive of all those smoke and stuffs". Alarm sounded twice. "Ah, just look at those other people, they look okay. It won't spread. They'll control the fire." 

People start talking about evacuating the building.

"No, I'm not leaving my rice! (and green tea)" 

"They're kidding, right? What are we supposed to do with our food?"

"I'm running out with my plate."

"We should've just packed our food."

So yeah, alarm rang three times. Smoke everywhere. I was worried of a gas explosion and my mum didn't know I was having my lunch there. And perhaps a stampede because everyone would be running for their lives. I worried about my final chunk of butter chicken on my plate, but my mouth was too full, and I didn't want to die yet. I haven't bought my violin, remember? I haven't told x, y, and z that I love them. 

So I ran outside (google: Sweet Brown, have fun).

Everyone ran (okay, not really, everyone just walked super slowly) down the escalator (the top floors were immediately emptied) but the people on the ground floor didn't seem to worry much. One older lady in a salon (with her hair wrapped and all that) even went out. 

It's silly you know, moments like these make you realise that you still want to live long (and prosper) *does the Vulcan salute.* I may sound not so serious but man, I'm serious. 

I hate to sound super sappy but I think I had a good day today.

Happiness is...

...not having classes on Mondays!

Goodbye 800!

I'm saying goodbye to something that has never been mine.

If you know the story, you know the story. You know..about me studying just to get a cash award. Unfortunately, one subject shattered my dreams to own a keyboard this year. 

I'm not sad or depressed about it though. My dad is not mad. I'm not mad. Everything's good. 

In fact, my sister was amused to see how nonchalant I was when checking my results. I'm pretty much amazed as well. Funny how real life shit makes you tougher than before. Kelly Clarkson ain't lying. What doesn't kill you really makes you stronger lol. There's more to life than exam results, really. I'm glad to live with a lot of things to look forward to in my life.

One of them is to start learning violin. 

My room can't fit a musical instrument as huge as a keyboard anyway. And I have to learn how to drive first before purchasing something as expensive as a keyboard that I don't know how to play at all. And I'm planning to read 52 books this year which means one book per week, so that's going to mean I don't have much time to learn so many new stuffs at once. And I'm also "saving for a new phone that can WhatsApp" (I know...the way I say it, well it makes me sound like an old woman...) so yeah I guess I'm good. Life's good. Everything's good.

O the first month of the year. Everything's always good. Motivation is always high. I recognise this pattern. It's too familiar, it scares me.

Goodbye 2014

Lame title, I know..

It's been a boring year. Yeah, I'm complaining again, I know. A friend phrased how she's doing as "Could have been better, but I'm thankful", which is one perfect way to describe it, I guess. 

Two years ago I was sitting alone in my living room back in Akasia, alone, because all of my housemates were already asleep. I welcomed my new year by writing down some new year resolutions. I still vividly remember that day, the sound of the fan, and the complete silence (no fireworks around). None of the new year resolutions were achieved. Right now I'm just here, in a small green room, had a hearty meal with (half of) my family a few hours back, and I can't say that I'm not happy.

I'm not living the dream, I'm not doing anything significant with my life, but at least this year I have everything that some people out there might be asking for.

I've grown cynical, I've felt that I'm "too righteous, too rigid to believe" this year. It's not the best year in terms of my relationship with people in general. I still struggle a lot even to get out of my house and to be seen by neighbours and family friends. It's a constant struggle but I hope it gets better soon. I'm learning to love myself, my self-image and my weaknesses, but it's a bit hard when you don't even have compassion for the people around you. At some point this year I've lost all my love for people. At some point, admittedly, I believed there's nothing bad about not making any effort to take care of people's feelings. So what if I hate. So what if I say something bad.

Love still wins though. It still wins.

However, I'm not being hopeful in building new friendships. Of course I have new friends, but it's not the thing I cling to the most now. I don't think I'll be clinging to grades too, although maybe I might be upset if my previous exam marks dwindle. Failure is definitely not my biggest fear any longer--it still is scary but it's not as bad as some other things. Another friend told me that "our past shortcomings can come back to haunt our thoughts and emotions." He's speaking the truth, because right now I can talk about it as if it didn't almost kill me, but in a few days I know it's going to haunt me again in a way or another. It's a constant battle, and I'm okay with that, I guess.

There's nothing much I dream to achieve this year. No more "flying", no more big stuffs. Having a terrible cough for weeks makes me realise that good health is one of the things that matter most. Family is too, because having only one day to reunite with all of my family members makes me think of how unappreciative we could be. 

On a happier note, I'm saving up for a violin and if I could still keep the same amount of interest that I'm having since early this year, I'm planning to buy it by March. I could save up for a smartphone instead but having a crappy old phone that lags is an okay thing to live with, since I don't really care about phones anyway. 

I guess that's all I have to say. It's not an important, philosophical post. It's just something that I would love to reread and cringe at next year, I guess. Happy new year, and honestly I'm too scared to hope for anything good in the future, but I hope next year won't be too bad for you and me.

Thanks for sticking with me even after all that had happened, even after I cursed like shit. I'll try to be a better version of myself, not for you to like me, but for me to like myself and not feel inadequate when seeing any of you guys next time. I have no idea on who's reading (I ditched the tracker thingy about a year ago!) so yeah, you're counted, if you've read this final paragraph.

Hey, Hey It's Fine

Every single day I just can't stop thinking what kind of monster I have become and I can't just tell myself that "Hey, hey, it's fine."

I mean...who would have thought that being bad is actually not easy.

I tried being good once. It was hard. So I thought being bad is easier.

It's not. It's so hard to live with guilt. It's harder than being trampled on for being nice.

2014 is ending soon and I still can't figure a single good thing that I've done this year. Makes me sad that I wasted one whole year by hurting so many people around me, and I wish I had the guts and humility to say sorry.

But no, I'm too proud to admit I was being an ass unpleasant person.

Day 39476970. Still feeling guilty about the college incident. Still not having any guts to get back to school next year. Still regretting that I couldn't keep my mouth shut.