Wet Feet, Buses, and Mothers

Went to school by bus again. Now that it's been such a common thing to me, I'd say one day if I get super rich I'd still force my kids to ride a bus.

Was very lazy to wear flip flops and bring extra girly shoes (screw Monday and formal dress code) so I just wore my girly shoes from home although it was raining. Stupid decision uhuh. Had to endure 2 hours of classes with wet feet. In baju kurung. In girly shoes. While doing a presentation.

The ride home was crazy with so many people. Many people equals to many weird smells. And many people means extra long minutes to reach home. What could have been a thirty minute ride stretched to a one and half an hour ride. Long rides mean sleepiness. 

And one funny thing about buses is that it contains dead souls. Or dead eyes of living people. Or living people who seemingly have dead souls and dead eyes. 

A mother of four had to stand up and ended up sitting on the floor (the floor had a raised level, if that makes sense to you). She was carrying her baby, younger than my nephew. And no one cared.

Worst part is...I hesitated. And I let her sit there for quite a long time.

Just because of my hesitant nature.

What if she declines? What if other people laugh at me when she declines? What if people think I'm stupid to give up a seat? What if she actually hates getting help from people? What if. I know. The what ifs all sound stupid, but being nice was never an easy thing to me.

Yet, pretending that I don't see this woman is even harder than I though. I may sit there and be happy that I'm less tired, but my heart will never be easy.

Several stops later, I made my first move.

And she declined. I was so ashamed.

But then I try to put myself into her situation. Of course I may decline. I won't want someone to sympathise on me. 

I tried for the second time. Third. She gave in. I was like yasssss.

Then standing up, I look at all the healthy men who didn't give a damn when they saw this lady sitting on the floor. No one wants to give up their comfort. Everyone has religion, everyone screams about their ideologies, everyone believes in kindness, but no one wants to give up the comfort of a bus seat (which is not that comfy, if you ask me..)

Okay let's get this clear. I'm not trying to say I'm better than all those people who pretended that they didn't see the woman. I'm not. I've done more bad things than good things last year. And I don't want the woman to think I'm so nice to give her the seat. I'm not. 

But I thought of all the days how I've heard stories of people being impacted by small things done by strangers, and I greedily want to become that stranger. Most importantly, I want this woman, or at least her eldest son (who seems to be the only one who understood the situation) to pass it on. It's easier to try to understand and love someone that I completely don't know about. For the first time in my life, I stood up and thought (and half-prayed, I guess) how I would want to see these kids not needing to ride a bus again when they get older. Buy a car or something. Live an easier life, although I don't know them at all. 

What I'm trying to say right now is that...I don't know. No amount of kindness that I do can ever neutralise the bad things I've done. But this bus lesson taught me that a lot of people have harder lives than mine. Most of the time I'm just bitching for nothing actually.

Updates

-I've been drinking coffee these past few days.
-That's a very important update. Fee doesn't normally drink coffee.
-Coffee makes me delirious, and I love people at college more after drinking coffee.
-Which means on usual days I don't normally love people.
-I hate group assignments.
-I wrote a song. But I decided that it's so cringeworthy, so I'm trying to forget it.
-Progress on violin is ok. Still can't do vibrato.
-Violin now has a surname. Thanks to ex-housemate, it's Schwarzekorn. Don't ask why.
-Back to coffee, I think drinking more coffee might mean that I'm turning into an old person.
-Please ignore my useless theory.
-Passenger just released a new song.
-I'm still loving Passenger, but I'm listening to more of Mike Cavanaugh and Jake Bugg now.
-I'm thinking of learning how to knit. And how to crochet. Don't laugh.
-By the way, Jake Bugg is cool.
-And yes, I still love my guitar.
-This is a random update.
-See, nothing much has happened. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hi to you and you and you. I'm just being weird tonight... I think it's because of the coffee.

New Addition to the Family

Theodore Hamish NoSurnameYet

I bought a violin today. I finally bought it after about one year really wanting to have one.

The name Theodore kind of appeared randomly into my mind so I said, uh, why not. And Hamish sounds okay. I have a childhood friend named Hamish. I found his Facebook but I didn't dare to add him. John Watson's middle name is Hamish. Enough reasons to make me love that name. Theodore Hamish may not sound like a beautiful combination but I'm too lazy to think of new names. I'm thinking way too hard for a perfect surname, I'm beginning to feel tired (being in college from 8 to 4 isn't helping).

Story-telling time.

So like the dress I bought with my housemate Queen for the Annual Grand Dinner back in June 2013, this took me less than 30 minutes to buy. It's like, uh,

Me: I'm looking for a vvvviolin (stuttered, too nervous, really). Beginner. Adult size.

Lady: *Shows some fancy violin in some fancy glass-door cabinet*

Me: I'd like to take the cheapest.

Lady: We have some RM 600 ones too.

Me: NO. I'M UNDER A TIGHT BUDGET.

Okay, just kidding, that was a little bit of exaggeration there. But the part about buying it in less than 30 minutes was true. I'm a reckless buyer. I didn't even TOUCH the violin because I was too shy. I didn't want people too see that I don't even know how to hold it properly, and what I really should inspect. Asked the lady "Is this set up already? Like errrr will I be able to start off playing right away?" Noob detected hahaha. So she asked a music teacher upstairs to tune it for me. And I stood there like an idiot, paid everything, entered the car, and realised that danggg I don't have consumer skills. If that's even a thing.

Theo's on my bed now. I still don't know how to hold the bow properly even after watching a thousand YouTube tutorials since last year. I played random notes that sounded like a seal giving birth. I wish I have a vivid memory about how I played my first chord on the guitar back in 2005. People weren't kidding. Guitar is a lot easier than violin I guess.

My dad doesn't look so happy with my decision of buying Theo hahaha. One of my sisters used to play violin in primary school for about 2 years I think before she and her friends were asked to buy violins for themselves if they wanted to get involved more seriously in the school orchestra. My mum said my dad didn't want to purchase one for my sister (I was about 3 years old at that time, so I don't know much about it). All I know is that my sister stopped bringing the violin home (dang, I remember that yellow sponge she used to have--I'm going to ask her what was that for) and after some time I guess she stopped playing because she could no longer use the school's one. That was also the last time I saw and touched a violin I think.

So yeah, I'm not planning to play like a pro. I just want to have fun with it. Play one or two sad tunes, get emo, get the feels, play some folk tunes. I just want to learn new stuffs. I don't know, it's weird but learning new stuffs makes me feel excited to live hahah.

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On an unrelated note, I was inside a building with a fire burning in one of its kitchens today. I suck at explaining, but I was having my lunch with a bunch of classmates at town, in an eatery located at the topmost floor of the shopping mall. A lady suddenly yelled "Fire!" and we were all still eating because everyone was cool about it. I was being quite selfish (*Ugh, I need to eat, cos I have class at 2pm, and I ain't going anywhere before I finish my food!*) The fire alarm rang once. "Ergh that's just the smoke detector, sensitive of all those smoke and stuffs". Alarm sounded twice. "Ah, just look at those other people, they look okay. It won't spread. They'll control the fire." 

People start talking about evacuating the building.

"No, I'm not leaving my rice! (and green tea)" 

"They're kidding, right? What are we supposed to do with our food?"

"I'm running out with my plate."

"We should've just packed our food."

So yeah, alarm rang three times. Smoke everywhere. I was worried of a gas explosion and my mum didn't know I was having my lunch there. And perhaps a stampede because everyone would be running for their lives. I worried about my final chunk of butter chicken on my plate, but my mouth was too full, and I didn't want to die yet. I haven't bought my violin, remember? I haven't told x, y, and z that I love them. 

So I ran outside (google: Sweet Brown, have fun).

Everyone ran (okay, not really, everyone just walked super slowly) down the escalator (the top floors were immediately emptied) but the people on the ground floor didn't seem to worry much. One older lady in a salon (with her hair wrapped and all that) even went out. 

It's silly you know, moments like these make you realise that you still want to live long (and prosper) *does the Vulcan salute.* I may sound not so serious but man, I'm serious. 

I hate to sound super sappy but I think I had a good day today.

Happiness is...

...not having classes on Mondays!

Goodbye 800!

I'm saying goodbye to something that has never been mine.

If you know the story, you know the story. You know..about me studying just to get a cash award. Unfortunately, one subject shattered my dreams to own a keyboard this year. 

I'm not sad or depressed about it though. My dad is not mad. I'm not mad. Everything's good. 

In fact, my sister was amused to see how nonchalant I was when checking my results. I'm pretty much amazed as well. Funny how real life shit makes you tougher than before. Kelly Clarkson ain't lying. What doesn't kill you really makes you stronger lol. There's more to life than exam results, really. I'm glad to live with a lot of things to look forward to in my life.

One of them is to start learning violin. 

My room can't fit a musical instrument as huge as a keyboard anyway. And I have to learn how to drive first before purchasing something as expensive as a keyboard that I don't know how to play at all. And I'm planning to read 52 books this year which means one book per week, so that's going to mean I don't have much time to learn so many new stuffs at once. And I'm also "saving for a new phone that can WhatsApp" (I know...the way I say it, well it makes me sound like an old woman...) so yeah I guess I'm good. Life's good. Everything's good.

O the first month of the year. Everything's always good. Motivation is always high. I recognise this pattern. It's too familiar, it scares me.