#35 October: Snippets: Journal

4th, Tuesday

"Registration for the new semester was OK. I mean, there's nothing much to tell. A and B were in charge of the academic part so when they saw my results they reacted..well..not in a way that I am pleased with, but whatevs. I don't ace exams to impress people. And words spread fast. Cos friend C knew my results when we met later that afternoon. Whatevs. I didn't disturb anyone's life and I didn't become that smartass/asshole (smartasshole?) I used to be (when I first entered that uni). I'm more like a hybrid of Mike Rosenberg and Jake Bugg now."

"He stared right into my soul when he saw me loitering around cos he saw me earlier on when I left. I think he's just nosy and thought I was about to cause havoc again by rebelling and revolutioning against the system again lol babi. I had a strong desire to flip the bird at him."

"Eventually Mdm. D appeared and well it was a quick meeting with her lol. She legitly said, 'Sapa nama awak tek oh? Nicholas?' which might sound like a mockery but it was a legit absent-minded question. I know the difference between mockery and pure blunder. Nicholas sounds like a good name though."

"He wasn't wearing his specs. Either on purpose or he forgot, idk. And I sort of found out that the reason why he rips the ticket at number 10 is simply because he rips it without looking at it. Sort of like an approximate rip, a bad one, in fact."

"It's either he's such a slo-mo relaxed man, or time seems to pass by so slowly, I don't know. Because it felt like forever while waiting for him to give back the change. I always don't know where to stare. I stared at a man dressed in some sort of uniform out of my window, then at his right hand, then back to the man outside, then at his left hand, then to the man again, and I was like now where should I stare?"

"I live in a society that misinterprets smiles and courtesy, so it's tricky."

6th, Thursday

"I'm so tired actually. Well, not physically tired. But I do feel like rolling in bed and falling asleep slowly but I had coffee quite late today, so I doubt the caffeine rush is going away anytime soon. And I have to wake up at 5am tomorrow. Curses."

"And I don't have to tell about the 20 sen that dropped into the puddle (blogged), or the about me essay Dr. E asked for (FB-ed), or the song I wrote as soon as I reached home and drank that canned coffee (IG-ed)."

7th, Friday

"He has a beautiful laugh. He explained .... very patiently. He should become a teacher or something. It's sad to think how a nice adult like him ended up doing a job that doesn't pay him much. But he looks like he's OK with it."

"Sometimes I wonder if Jesus crossed my path, in human form, would I be admiring him? Cos if humans can make you feel so good about life then once upon a time when Jesus was human surely people felt so good being around him eh? Life is so weird."

12th, Wednesday

"F, G, H, and J looked as if their souls were sucked away by dementors."

"I love these kids, and I'm proud to be with these underdogs."

"I reached the junction at __. If I took an extra sprint I bet all my Bahts I would've made it."

13th, Thursday

"Wow what a spectacular day--just because of one unusual decision that I made: I SKIPPED ONE OF MY CLASSES! HA! I feel so sinful yet so...proud of myself."

"There was yet another mentally ill man on the ride. Muttering stuffs. Threatening K. K looked unhappy. He looked so unhappy it broke my heart. Because this is a guy who was once a child with dreams and ambitions. He could be someone else. But look at him, trapped in a job with meager pay maybe because he doesn't have other options, or maybe he has lost all ambitions and goals. And the way he always raises his hands 3 or 4 times to the old man at the Timberland bus stop--damn it just breaks my heart. How can such a pleasant person end up living a shit life? Or is he really living a shit life? He's probably thinking he's living a blessed life--and well, that's good then."

"But at __ a van broke down and there's this bunch of men pushing it, singing so jovially. It was a happy, happy scene. Like dwarves and gnomes working together in harmony or something. We were actually directly behind them before we switched lanes. And lol, K smiled at them, and they grinned back. I bet the universe was also smiling."

"We ain't bros, we ain't amigos, but thank you for showing me that it's OK to end up living an average life. It's really OK."

14th, Friday

"They would not listen, they're not listening still. Perhaps they never will..."

18th, Tuesday

"After the attack of the monster, I was determined to have a day off--a library day, a Tuesday library day like what I used to have. I was very afraid. Afraid that the big hand would come back. It was squeezing my brain, and I almost thought I'd fall back."

"It shocked me this morning--the way I felt when I settled down at the bus stop. After two Tuesdays of not having any 'Library Days', I think I've lost the feeling. At 9am it's already too sunny and bright already. 6am rides seem more appealing. L was on an unfamiliar bus. It was a good ride, but I've lost the sense of familiarity and fondness I used to have about my Tuesday Library Days, so I think I'm fine of letting it go slowly right now. It's surprising, but I think I've adapted well to my 6am routine."

"M was at the main counter. I hate the way he looks at me."

19th, Wednesday

"I feel so physically tired right now. I guess it's normal when you've been awake since 5am."

21st, Friday

"Let's forget how I slept my way through the minutes of waiting for class to start, and my journey to the classroom greeted by an overly enthusiastic N. Wanker."

25th, Tuesday

"Today was surprisingly good. I mean, heck, I thought my Tuesday routine is forever gone but today was perfect."

"At Batu 7 the mentally ill man hopped on and sat behind me. He didn't stop blowing his nose. He almost started an ugly scene with an elderly man, although I really have to say he actually had good intentions."

"At Jalan Masjid the workers were cutting down the palm trees. Sadly I didn't take any photos. I thought I could snap some later but when I returned there at 3 all trees were already gone lol."

"I asked P whether I can start borrowing the new books. I NOW HAZ CARL SAGAN'S COSMOS WITH ME YUUUHUUU!"

"The handsome man borrowed __. I no longer like him after seeing that he did not push in his chair when he left the library."

"He's so generous with his smiles but not everyone returns it. Like me."

"It was a pleasant ride. The usual man wearing the golf cap hopped on at __. I like the way he stares out of the window. Like me."

"He shakes the cans until the drink bubbles up and flows out once opened. It's damn weird because by doing so you get your hands dirty and sticky but ugh, to each his own." 

26th, Wednesday

"Well today is something like 3.5/5 because it was OK but not perfect. I mean a lot of things could've been different in a better way if I took different actions but oh well you can't have it all."

"I think I missed Q's bus. I had to wait for R's bus. Not fun. The bus ride was a mess. Not fun, standing (and sitting) without personal space like that. Very unfun. Sobs. But I ended up sitting next to a pleasant young lady who actually legitly smiled at me."

"I hopped on after hopping over a puddle like a badass ballerina."

"I just gave him something like an angsty teen glance."

28th, Friday

"I had the same bus to college, and the same bus back. (Ugh.)"

"Class was OK btw. Like wow, not bad. S actually smiled."

Things I've learnt this October:

-I like a lot of people. I also hate a lot of people.

-Bus rides are still cool. Except for when they're full. 

-Class got better. And maybe it's getting better from here. 

-Some days were perfect, some days were meh, some days were disastrous.

-Some days I felt like I can conquer the world, some days I felt like a mess.

.

#34

I've got a head full of white noise

and a heart full of silent fears

Pockets full of stolen toys

and a life full of wasted years

If eyes cry a thousand tears

Do they ever run dry?

#33 Just Another Wednesday

I woke up feeling pretty excited because it's another morning to hop on the early bus.

But I think I missed the early creaky old bus by perhaps one or two minutes. I should've walked to the bus stop earlier. I didn't rush because last week it was rather late. 

So I had to wait for the next bus after 6. It was so dark but I slowly watched the break of dawn as I waited for 20 minutes or so. It was rather disappointing to think that I would be hopping on that air conditioned bus, but I had no other options.

The bus was full and I had to stand up until about 10 stops later. It wasn't fun at all, and I wish I was on an STC bus which is far more comfortable although I can't understand why people say the opposite.

The grumpy old driver was all smiling and happy when he had some favourite passengers on the ride talking to him. When they hopped off at some stops along the route, he returned to his grumpy stressful face and I find this interesting, in a way.

I also became an asshole for not giving up my seat to anyone. I am utterly ashamed of myself, so I'm not going to elaborate.

Class was ok. I mean, well, surprisingly ok. But assignments are coming and I am a bit scared to be honest. Groupworks and pairworks are really scary and I'm never really good at them. One thing I hate about it is that when you have an idea and your teammate does not agree with it but can't tell you honestly what are their idea. And you get the exact same marks with them, so you either ace it together or screw it together, which is maybe pretty much why uni needs to do stuff like this to students. Maybe they want to teach you that sometimes real life functions that way.

My Narnia marathon came to an end and I'm ashamed to say that I almost fell asleep a few times when I was reading the last book. Maybe it's just because I woke up early. Idk. 

I had a surprisingly good lunch alone. I haven't eaten any good fried kueh tiaw in a while so I gotta say today's one surprised me in a good way.

It rained when I walked to the station but I was too lazy to take out my umbrella, plus I thought I'd feel better walking in the rain in my black hoodie, so I did so. My timing was perfect because the driver and I walked to the bus at the same time but I only gave him a bro glance because smiling is creepy.

It was another perfect ride. I really love it when it's raining not so heavily or had rained because the air is really refreshing and when you open that bus window the air just blows your hair and hits your face and you feel damn alive. I also gulped down coffee so that explains why I'm feeling a bit happier than usual. The only disappointing thing was that I bought this packet of Nips that said it contains peanuts and raisins but I ate half on the bus and did not get any raisins. I shook the packet real hard to mix it up in case the raisin ones were settled at the bottom for some reason, and it made a really loud noise because the bus was stopping at a traffic light, and I felt self-conscious that I made myself look like a weirdo.

I was also on the same ride with the mentally ill man again, and yes, I do wonder why the universe is syncing our schedules again and again.

I hopped off the bus, said thank you, to which the driver answered a generic welcome instead of his usual cheery ok! so I guess he isn't feeling particularly cheery today.

And there goes my Wednesday. I don't feel like I did much in life today. Didn't contribute to any grand stuff. Last night I fixed the leaking tap at home after my dad gave up on fixing it and left for his night shift. It made me feel good, being able to contribute to something unusual to my home/family. I'm also still having so weird thoughts of how nice it would be if I were a guy. It's a rather risky thing to say on an open blog but hey, I'm not saying that I love women. It's just that if I were a guy a lot of things would be different in a better way I think. Or maybe it's just me simply assuming stuffs.

Thr pic of the day would be a pic that I took at the bus stop this morning. It's dark. You can't really see anything. But that's the point. 

#32 Stuffs So Far

Quick post:

Assignments are out and I'm about to die.

I went to the hospital last Sunday to accompany my mum to visit a relative from village and he was at the emergency department while waiting to be admitted into a ward.

It made me realise that I have fully made peace with my past—of never getting to become a doctor in this lifetime. Being there for half an hour made me weary and there's just so much stimuli lol.

I saw a boy having a seizure and the look in his dad's eyes just made me feel damn sad.

The hospital is clearly not a place for someone like me. But I'm sure people like me who end up working there somehow grow to adapt and get used to it, and that's a remarkable thing. I have a mad amount of respect for them.

On a different note, I used all three crutches today. Hopped on a bus, spent 5 hours reading at the library, and gulped down a can of coffee on the ride home. It's the best decision I made today. I no longer care if they are my crutches or my way of running away or escaping because all that matters is that I found myself sitting on the bus feeling so thankful about life and that alone us enough for me.

I was the only passenger on my ride home from the main station, so it was very fun to feel kinda like a VIP. It wasn't for long though because other passengers began to hop on from other stops a few minutes later. When I reached my home junction the driver shut the back door which made me think he probably likes getting thank yous from me (perasan lol). Or maybe he just recognises my habit of getting out of the front door. Idk. It's still a fun thing to say though, those thank yous. I used to think I'm a creep for saying that to drivers but now I'm like well it's just common courtesy and what if they're having a shitty day and saying thank you can make them feel appreciated. That's kinda cool to think of.

I almost witnessed a brawl though between the mentally ill man and an elderly man. The brawl didn't happen. But it almost happened. It's pretty hard to explain, but if the elderly man wasn't an elderly man I'm sure some punches were exchanged this morning. Strangers are scary people, after all.

Apart from that, life's been as usual. I'm in my last Narnia book. I finished Macbeth today. And I managed to borrow Cosmos by Carl Sagan and I'm feeling damn special because the library had just purchased the book and I became the first to borrow it. It's one of the books frequently mentioned on Reddit so I am feeling very curious to read it.

In less than a month the second hand bookfair will return and I'm feeling super excited. It's like no matter what shit may happen, at least I have something to look forward to in life at the moment.

I guess that's all. Bye.

#31 Crutches, Participating, and Pretty Much Everything

I have decided that starting from next year I will be blogging daily.

At least one picture a day. That's the goal. And I'm doing this for myself, not for you, not for anyone.

Because the year is about to end and I suddenly feel like I've wasted another good year being a coward and not attempting stuffs I've always wanted to attempt. Oh how we beg and we borrow, say we'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come..

And I realise that each day has its own story that shapes us to who we are today (how cliche..)

Anyway. Back to being serious.

It's been one whole week since I posted something that I deleted--and I'm glad the monster is back in its cage. It hasn't been an easy week, last Friday was disastrous, and to be honest things aren't showing any signs of improvement..

But on Saturday a friend popped up on chat for the first time in months, asking me how I stayed alive, and I find it ironic that I was actually in a mess that previous night, and well hello, now someone is asking me what's the secret of staying alive when life is shit.

The old me would say this is a sign from God, telling me that I am still needed in this world, but hey, I'm no longer the old me (sorry to disappoint..) and I began rambling again, and surprise surprise, I used the word crutches.

Because surprise, surprise, while I was sobbing all night listening to Starry Starry Night (/Vincent--whichever title you're familiar with) I was so damn tired of everything and I almost thought by 30 I'd be a loony on a bus ride, but hey, I did the most genius thing. I prayed! (Hah, I didn't--sorry to disappoint.)

I drank my canned coffee. Two cans, to be exact. I could gulp a third can, but within half an hour the caffeine began to kick in and the world became all sunshine and rainbows (and unicorns) again, and I decided I didn't want to die yet. And I stopped feeling tired.

And at that moment, it dawned upon me that I am now solving 99.99% of my problems using crutches. 

And canned coffee is my crutch. Bus rides too. And library visits. 

The friend told me then that if I ever lose these crutches I can find new ones, which well, sounds logical. But what if my crutches turn into things that will harm me back? I wonder about people with substance abuse now. I never cared about them. But now I feel like a potential substance abuser and that kind of scares me. 

So I stopped taking canned coffee for a week now. And I haven't been on my favourite bus for a week too. But I had my library visit, and that's OK because it isn't harmful in any way. I tried to see how my life would be without the coffee and the bus, and damn it, this week's been terrible.

Which brings us to point number two, participating.

That's Jake Bugg. And every time I feel like I don't want to participate in anything, I feel like I'm Jake Bugg, for no real reason. It's just how my brain associates his face with an idgaf attitude.

And really, for the whole week (and the week before) I no longer bother about trying to participate in certain things. Part of it is because I tried and didn't feel encouraged to try again, and part of it is because pure laziness.

There's this class that I was previously a bit eager to learn stuffs from and participate in, but my earlier participation weren't accepted in a way I like it, so right now I'm really unmotivated to even make any effort in that class. It also annoys me that the culture of Googling for everything is so damn prevalent in class, and no one wants to admit that they don't know something anymore. Tutor asks a question? Don't know the answer? Google! Hah! Sheep! We're breeding a generation that's going to be too proud to say that simple verse. "I don't know." "I'm not sure." Everyone's reading out answers from their phones. What's the fucking point?

I'd prefer if students are asked questions and are expected to answer what they know, whatever they know. If they know something, let them share it. If they don't know something, allow them to say they don't know. And if they answer something wrongly, correct them in an appropriate way. And if the educator is wrong, oh please, educators, if you're wrong, don't say you're right. I'm so sick of this eastern culture of budaya menghormati guru supaya ilmu berkat. I mean yes, respect your teachers. But I look up to educators who learn together with their students. I better stop rambling, cos it's going to show how much unteachable I am. 

And my dad was listening to the radio this morning when the dj said the word lintang-pukang, speaking in rojak english. He said there's an english word for that, but it's on the tip of his tongue. The old me would quickly answer him, but after two weeks of giving up on participating in class, it seems that I also gave up participating for real. I knew the word, but I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put on my Jake Bugg face.

I don't know why am I so angry these days.

I also fell asleep for real in classes.

It's so weird.

I don't think I'm tired. I don't think I'm depressed. A little bit down, yeah, but things aren't so bad like there's a big hand squeezing my head. Now that's bad. This is more like...a feeling like all motivation is lost. 

I'm suspecting it's partly because I became too dependent on my crutches. So when I don't get those crutches, I feel like I can't walk. Scary.

Whatever it is, well, things aren't just going to get better if I blog about it, but it does feel good to get some of it off my chest. I hope next week I'll be more motivated and less grumpy, because it's so hard to live an unmotivated and grumpy life.

Also, my current song obsession: