It's only Monday, the first weekday, but I already feel like I'm so sick and tired and angry and disappointed and all things negative.
I snapped in front of many people today, and I really feel like shit.
I am disappointed with myself, but the damage is done.
The damage is already done, just like the damage she did to me many weeks ago, and whenever I get angry I get angrier everytime I see her and I can't help blaming her for causing this anger to be planted in me in the first place. She took away all the positive energy in me, I snapped at other people, and these people will snap at someone else tonight. It's a cycle. And feck me, I hate myself for contributing to that cycle, and I wish I had more self control and calmness, but feck it, I can't fecking calm down when I'm mad or scared or tired.
And I'm so tired, and it's only Monday, and it's just the beginning of a crazy week, and I really need a hug and someone to look me in the eyes with compassion because coffee can't save me this time. Deadlines are approaching, I don't have time to even read for fun, I don't think I get to ride my favourite bus this week at all, and these assignments are making me question the point of living, and I'm starting to not even have enough money for my bus fares this week, and I begin to think about quitting college again because feck it, and seriously, I regret for snapping in front of people who I really want to call my friends, but seriously, why am I such an unlovable whiny grumpy person who can't even handle the slightest pressure.
And feck it, I fecking hate how some people complain about how tired they are and how incapable they are of contributing to a group project and assignment because they're fecking busy but feck it, they think I'm free? They think they're the only ones with problems? They think just because I'm all smiling and laughing and capable of doing things before the deadline, I'm some sort of problem-free, super unbusy, free nolifer who only sits in front of my fecking laptop to do assignments 24/7 because I don't have any other fecking life responsibility?
Feck you. Because you didn't get kicked and slapped in one single fecking midnight. You didn't fecking shake uncontrollably until 6 in the morning. You didn't fecking gulp down two cans of coffee while listening to fecking Starry Starry Night and contemplated of jumping off Saujana the following week. Feck it, because they don't know how tired I am. They don't know how much I hate my life. They don't know how much baggage I have on my weary shoulders. But at least I try my best to do my part and not give my shit to other people to take care of. Because that's just fecking selfish.
And feck it, I fecking hate how some people complain about how tired they are and how incapable they are of contributing to a group project and assignment because they're fecking busy but feck it, they think I'm free? They think they're the only ones with problems? They think just because I'm all smiling and laughing and capable of doing things before the deadline, I'm some sort of problem-free, super unbusy, free nolifer who only sits in front of my fecking laptop to do assignments 24/7 because I don't have any other fecking life responsibility?
Feck you. Because you didn't get kicked and slapped in one single fecking midnight. You didn't fecking shake uncontrollably until 6 in the morning. You didn't fecking gulp down two cans of coffee while listening to fecking Starry Starry Night and contemplated of jumping off Saujana the following week. Feck it, because they don't know how tired I am. They don't know how much I hate my life. They don't know how much baggage I have on my weary shoulders. But at least I try my best to do my part and not give my shit to other people to take care of. Because that's just fecking selfish.
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