Life in J, Season 4?

 It's April now.

I'm typing this from my school's infirmary room, otherwise known as Bilik Kesihatan. I'm the ketua for this week. What a way to start a new week after the Raya holidays.

It's April now. I'll be 32 in a week. Sometimes I forget I'll be 32. It's like a real confusion whether my current age is 30 or 31 and I have to subtract the years to really confirm it.

Contrary to what others say about getting into your 30's, I'm not really enjoying it. There's so much pressure to behave and act well, maintain your composure, be the bigger person, be proper, act your age, show maturity. And so many friends who used to be like me are now having terrific love lives so I can't help feeling a little Fear of Missing Out (popularly known as FOMO).

I don't know when it started but the thoughts are getting more intense, of getting out there once again and trying my luck on love. I guess it's a good sign that I've sorta healed from my previous relationshit, albeit sometimes the waves do come back and I think I'm still not fully healed for a new one.

Since end of June 2022 I think I've made tremendous progress. The first wave was of course that 3rd Term holiday in September in the same year. Then of course there were series of dark days, then darker days, then darker v2.0 days, but I'm glad to realise that those days are over now? Or are they?

I went to my Psych appointment today. I'm not longer on medication for about half a year I guess. Or slightly more than that. Some days I think I'm fine, it's just that my habit of wallowing in self-pity is the thing that's dragging me down. Some days I think that I have a defect. In fact I'm almost convinced my mind isn't healthy or normal. 

It seems like I'm making progress because I no longer want to just die. It's milder these days. Maybe all the distractions are helping. The walk in the park. The getting to know more new people. Idk, really. But beneath all these I know it's still lurking, that angry part of me, because this morning I was so angry and annoyed with the doctor who kept on lecturing me on ways to get proper sleep and ways to fix myself as if everything's so easy. She recommended me to see the Clinical Psychologist. I'm not sure whether they'd call. I think some part of me is apathetic towards certain things. Like why all the hassle if in the first place you seem disinterested to look further into my case and lecture me on thinks as if I don't know what to do. I told her again and again I knew what to do, it's just that it's so hard to actually do them.

I don't know if she gets it. I don't expect anyone to get me. Like how I'm being so sensitive and touchy again, I'm not talking to some of my friends just because I felt annoyed of what they said.

I don't know but today's appointment didn't give me a nice feeling. It was supposed to help me but right now I just feel angsty again I could really use a cigarette. It's so weird to be almost 32 but to also be this angsty. I love my job. I have a comfortable life. I'm doing well. My pay is good. Yet here I am like when I was getting paid peanuts and treated as subhuman at work back in 4-5 years ago.

And it isn't helping that the moment I put on such high hopes to get to know a person I was already growing fond of, I experience rejection again. Why was October 2019 so easy when it was so fcking wrong. I remember begging for it to now happen but it happened and carried on for years. Yet for this one this time, I'm literally begging so hard for it to happen but he's gone just like that. 

I know there's that thing like in the Bad Decision Bagel poem but again it's so different between knowing something and actually taking proactive steps or conscious effort to follow, do or accept it. 

I know maybe I'm in the process of dodging a fcking huge bullet or something but my heart and mind is so stubborn. And I know this isn't good because I know we must accept that:

1. Not everything is within our control.
2. Even if we get something, everything's temporary anyway.
3. We must learn to navigate through changes.

See? I'm not fcking dumb. I know it. It's just like there's two persons in me, one the very zen and sensible and wise and all-knowing adult, trying to advise this angsty teen or some kid with a wild tantrum.

Yet how do I explain this to the doctors? I don't think there's a fix for the essence of your being. Yes we learn through experiences, we won't touch what burnt us again, but there's always going to be that side of us that refuses to just follow what's good and what's sensible.

Seriously I just want a real break.

Maybe getting these all out in words has helped me see things a bit. I'm just tired of always being the decision-maker for myself, of having to fully take care of me, of having to stay very vigilant. I just want to relax and have someone take care of me too, like a little innocent kid being loved and cared for.

Am I still trapped here, this little girl inside of me, pretending to be brave and sarcastic and funny while truly I am tired and scared and so full of shit? 

I don't know.

I'm scared of turning 32, if I'm really honest about it. 

I'm really scared.