#51

I was on my ride home today from the library when some sudden realisation came into my mind:

1. I don't want to spend my last day of 2016 in the library, studying for my finals. Therefore tomorrow I will be taking a break. 

2. For the first time in a very long time my ride home was accompanied by sunshine and a very blue sky–reminding me that it's such a good feeling to sit there, the warmth of the sun wrapping around me, and I look up to the sky and I just feel like smiling although there's nothing really remarkable happening.

3. Last year I wished another driver "Happy new year!" but today I got off without saying a word, because I used the back door, but I secretly wished I was shameless and bubbly enough to yell "Thank you!" to the driver and "Happy new year!" to the whole remaining passengers. 

4. And that was my last bus ride of 2016. Not that it will be long before the next ride, but that will be in a different chapter altogether I guess. 

5. It's not the last day of 2016, but it really felt like it, probably because it's a Friday. 

It's quite a weird feeling to walk into the new year with something old remaining there unsettled–my final exams, I mean. I still have papers to sit for after the new year, so I guess the feeling is not quite the same as compared to the older days when I enter the new year and begin a new year in school or a new semester in college. And I'm tired of looking at things this way, to be honest. Rather than seeing a whole year as a massive chunk of new opportunity to start something, I guess I'm rather comfortable of viewing each day as an individual day, a brand new day. I don't quite know how to explain it, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to view the first of January in a different, separate time frame with the 31st December.

It's nice to look back at the year and see a line drawn there at the beginning of the year, but the more I think of it, the more I realise things are pretty much going to flow as usual. Or I might be wrong. And this alone is scary but exciting in yet another way that I cannot describe. 

Final toilet selfie of the year.
(#TakMalu)

Final Buzan Mindmap of the year.
Final 'library day' of the year.

Final bus ride of the year.

#50 Mmmh

I had no idea that journaling and blogging could be a seasonal thing you're enthusiastic about.

Or maybe I've just lost the momentum in expressing my thoughts and feelings.

In the recent months, I found myself incapable of shutting up. I wanted to blog about everything. I wrote my journal entries without missing out the smallest details, including the clothes I wear and the weather of the day.

But now I'm slowing down, and I don't know why.

In general life is still going on at the same pace, minus all the theatre practice sessions and the crazy race against assignment deadlines. With only 5 days left until Christmas and 8 until my first paper for finals, I find myself a bit incapable of getting into the right feeling that I'm supposed to feel. 

For the whole semester I admit I didn't really study, never opened my notes for revision, daydreamed in class, and now I know if I don't start doing anything, I will face the consequences.

But then I hate having finals at the end of the year until the early part of the new year, because it's like there's no proper closure for the old year.

Meeting two of my dear friends today got me thinking of the things we talked about: New year resolutions, how 2016 had changed us, and all those reflective stuff you think about when yet another year is about to end.

Unsurprisingly I found myself struggling to find the right words again.

I don't really know how 2016 had changed me.

I only know that cutting my hair in January was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I found an identity of myself that I am comfortable with, but there are things about myself that scares me, and the bus rides became a huge part of me this year, and I see people differently these days, but that's pretty much it. As much as we believe a lot can change in a year, I think some things remain unchanged as well.

As for new year resolutions, I admit I am afraid of this phrase because there were just so many projects and dreams that I embarked on, but gave up halfway through simply because I lost my motivation or grew lazy. But this year I've read 65 books, and next year I think I want to read more, perhaps about 70, and I want to read more classics, but then again, you never know what can happen.

There are also some things that I plan to take more seriously, but I'm afraid to embarrass myself here, so I'm not going to blog about it. 

Apart from that, there's really nothing much I want to achieve in 2017. I do wish though that I can start becoming a bit braver and confident when interacting with familiar strangers such as bus drivers and janitors and librarians. I don't want to walk around with a sad face, but then again, it's hard to walk with a goofy smile when you're not very used to it. And it's hard to initiate something as simple as "Have a good day!" or "Haven't seen you in a while!" or "Nice weather today, huh?" (I'm getting better at the "Thank you!" department, thankfully.)

As for wishlists and things I really want to own, I've grown accustomed to the understanding that I can't always get what I want. This year I thought of getting a travel guitar, but now I think I've managed to reduce the desire to own one. And I dreamt of going to Singapore to see Passenger, but then I think I have to be a responsible adult. I wish to own a few books that I've been looking for, but then I realise I have a massive pile of books that are waiting to be read. I'm still dreaming of owning one unit at The Ryegates though, and I'm pretty sure it will become one of the biggest unfulfilled dream that I'll ever have in this lifetime.

I really have no idea on how 2017 is going to change me. Maybe I'll be waking up on the first January and finding out that it's just another day. On the 4th I'll be having another paper to sit. On the 3rd maybe I'll board a bus to the library. Things are going to go on as usual. Maybe.

And maybe I need to remind myself that 2017 will be the only full year left in uni. Which means I need to make every month count. If there's a thing that I want to document about my routine of bus rides and classes and library visits, then next year is my final chance to do so. And to be honest, this fact alone excites me in a way that I know I'll learn to appreciate things more as I slowly watch it approach its time to end. 

Maybe it's too early to think of all of that.

But I remember around this time last year, I was feeling very grateful of 2015, and I knew I'd be walking into 2016 with a better understanding about many things that I never fully understood previously.

2016 has been different than 2015, but I can't say it's not a good year. The past few months have really been good except for a tiny bit in October-November, but I'm thankful that I wrote in my journal very frequently from July to November, because I really don't remember much about what happened earlier this year. 

I really want to do a proper recap of the year, but honestly, I'm feeling very lazy right now. February, March, April, May, and June are a bit fuzzy in my memory, but I'm sure there are pictures to remind me of what did I really do in those months. 

And well, does it really matter anyway? 

I can never remember fully the things I've been through, and try as hard as I can, there are many things that I want to remember but I can't. I can't recall some faces that I wish I can recall. I can't remember some things that I wish I'd never have forgotten.

But again, I guess they don't matter. What matters is probably the fact that today I came home feeling exactly the way the poem "A Soldier's Prayer" ended:

I am, amongst all men, most richly blessed.

I do admit that I'm not in the proper track I used to be in, but most of the time it's the compassion from your fellow human beings that reminds you of these little little things. 

.

First ever rainy 8am ride to town. (20/12)

First ever photobooth photo. (20/12)

First ever Korean BBQ meal. (20/12)

First ever personal cup of Starbucks. (18/12)

#49 Aaaaaaa (December Picto-update)

I couldn't find any appropriate title for this entry other than Aaaaaaaa because seriously, I've been dying to blog. I haven't written on my journal for one whole week, and I'm beginning to forget the feelings and event I want to write about, but things were crazy earlier this week. 

Theatre is over (it ended with a bang bang boom) and some controversy, and on the next day we received some good news, but even now, as I'm typing this, I am still not feeling the liberation I expected to feel, for I have about three to four more assignments to complete. After this following week ends, I think only then I will be free for real, but then I have finals to study for, because damn it, my first paper will start three days after Christmas. This is going to be sooooo fun, baby.

But again, I am glad that theatre has ended, because that thing really gobbled up my whole life. But then again, it was a friendly monster. Gobbled up all my energy and time, but in turn it gave me a lot of weird feelings that I have never felt about this uni and the people in it. As much as I felt like snapping in front of people, I developed this weird feeling of sappiness and unconditional love towards many of my teammates, and I'm beginning to love my tutor, and honestly, this one whole month of practice and preparation had changed me in ways I had never expected.

I went to college on every single weekday, and returned home at night, even on days when I had classes. And now, my body is so used to the early hours of waking up and total hours of staying awake, so I find myself waking up early on weekends and not needing to take any naps anymore. Dios mio, am I turning into a real adult, for real?

This is a picture from our last practice session on the night before the real day. We left practice at 9pm that night. It was our final full rehearsal. This was at one of the bigger classrooms that we call as one of the 'halls'. In most of the scenes, we dimmed the lights. One particular scene was intentionally practised in the dark though, with only torchlights from one or two phones.

It was the second last scene. Involved sounds of gunshots. In the dark. I was busy writing down stuffs on my script sheet, planning on people who would carry the props in and out on the next day. More than half of the team was involved in the scene. Little did I know that that night, they heard a sound of a mysterious giggle. And I was the only one who didn't realise a single thing. They only told me the next day. See, honey, what a interesting experience this whole theatre practice session had given me. 

The week before that, we went for a trailer shooting at various locations. Here's a photo of my teammates having a (fake) brawl at a basement car park of a nearby mall/office building (also where my favourite library is located). The car park was rather empty because it was the bottom-most level. And it was nearly 5pm or something, and I remember being a bit impatient to go home because boy, it was a tiring day. I think the guys really liked this part though. They had fun planning the fight choreography and attempted many takes to make it perfect. It was rather funny too, entering the lift, all 11 of us, with toy guns and masks and most of the guys were dressed in black. 

Here's my teammate looking professional and shooting without a tripod. Again, this was for the trailer. On the real day of the theatre performance, this was one of the scenes that the audience liked the most, judging from their gasps and awhhhhs.

Before leaving this place, we attempted a lot of jumpshots but all of them failed because it was very hard to get 11 people to jump at the same time. 

Here's one of our props━a car door. The guys did great job making it and spray-painting it. On the real day, one of the guys brought a real steering wheel for it.

When I wrote the script one month ago, I didn't think of how we were going to do a car scene. I didn't think much about how troublesome it would actually be to put certain scenes that required certain props to be built. I think our car door wasn't bad at all. But our door was so bad that it actually couldn't stand on its own on the real day of the performance.

Thankfully, my teammates are cool people, and instead of being sad about it and being jealous of the other group who undoubtedly had wayyy better props, we joked a lot about our door and associated it with one popular Malay saying that goes, "Hidup segan, mati tak mahu."

This was my bus ride home after the theatre performance. Now imagine me, dressed a little too nicely, on a public bus, with my fringe a bit curled, carrying a ukulele, an eco bag (containing a beach ball, a sweater, a table cloth) and a bag (containing shirts and another hoodie and a frigging telephone━yep, a frigging traditional home telephone we needed as one of the props). Thankfully, it was a 5.30pm ride (I don't think it's regularly available, since I always see 5pm rides and 6pm rides━but I could be wrong). Andddd most important of all, the ride wasn't full! I had two seats all for myself and my stuff, and although I don't like air-cond buses, this one wasn't bad at all!

...except for the fact that I reached home after sunset, and right after that I straight away had to follow my family out for dinner because we had my grandparents and uncle coming over, and I returned home at 11pm that night, and by midnight I was dead. I had never felt that tired in a long long time.

But despite the tiredness this whole theatre thing had brought to me, I kinda love one thing about it━that it gave me the excuse to come to college on Mondays and Tuesdays, the two weekdays when I don't have classes at all this semester. Now don't get me wrong, I don't really love coming to college. But I love one thing, and you can guess it pretty easily. Bus rides! 8am bus rides!

But I notice that towards the end of the year, the traffic shifts its peak hour a bit later in the morning as compared to in the earlier period of the year. To catch the 8am bus, I'd normally walk to the bus stop at 7.40am just in case the bus comes early. But boy, that's just the same time the traffic crawls at an excruciatingly slow speed, and yes, people stare. You feel as if you're some kind of item of display as you sit there motionless at the bus stop. I've grown used to it, but I find it scary that as I sit there for two consecutive days, same timing, same cars are going to pass by, and they'll be able to see me and recognise my face. 

But again, 8am bus rides are damn nice. Because they're never full.

Except for that particular Monday, that Monday earlier this week. It was a crazy ride! Two and a half hours to reach town! Madness! And I was sitting at the backmost seat, so I had the chance to snap a pic of the traffic behind, so baby, look at that! Until now I am still puzzled about what exactly happened that morning. How could the jam be that bad? Was there an accident? I'm sure I didn't see any. 

Such an unfamiliar seat on a very familiar bus. And at that moment, I knew the school holidays were part of the blame. My favourite bus ride was packed. My favourite bus ride that is normally empty was packed like never before! Blame the school holidays!

But then again, I still love STC buses even when they're full. Because the aisles are wide. You don't really feel like you're trapped and squished on. And you don't feel like you have your personal space invaded. 

And some days, I get rides like this one in the picture above. Not some days, in fact. Most of the days. It's like a limo and you're a VIP, so I really don't deserve to complain about anything. Besides, it's rather nice to be in a sea of strangers on a bus. 

My Friday ride home was also quite packed. And it was the exact same bus on that Monday morning. Come to think of it, it's a rather nice way to start a week and end it. The Monday morning ride was rather uneventful, but the Friday evening one was better because I tried to help the lady behind me shut the window, but the window was stuck, but I insisted that I should keep on trying, because it was me who opened the window earlier on when nobody else was on the bus, and then a man helped us to shut it.

And that man was the man who gave me his Borneo Post months ago, who also told me to be careful some weeks ago, and there we were, meeting again. I'm not sure whether he remembers me, but boy, I remember him. Rest assured though that I know this man is harmless. I sometimes can't believe that my mum doesn't trust me on these kind of things, these people-reading kind of stuff, and I know she's just trying to make me a bit more careful around strangers, but really, I think I have a higher risk of being knocked down by a car while crossing the road than actually being harmed by a stranger on a bus.

I'm lazy to elaborate, but while we're at it, let me just say that last Friday I was almost hit by a car while crossing the road after exiting the library. Of course I don't tell people about this, because they're going to give me a full lecture on how to cross a road. But I swear at that moment my mind was in full auto pilot and I actually didn't even use my brain much when I was walking. Probably because I've been taking that same route every day. Or maybe I was tired. I don't know. What's important is that a) I took a step backwards, that kinda saved my life, and b) I didn't die, so hurray!

And that's one valid argument I will use if you tell me to be careful around strangers. You should better just tell me to be careful around moving cars. At least I can read people. I can't read cars. 

Other than that, life's been boring, if according to the standards of people who are living a more exciting life. 

I went to the second hand booksale for three times, and I honestly still feel like going, but I've spent all that I saved, so right now I think it's wiser to forget about it.

Christmas decorations are coming out, and as usual, The Spring is my most favourite mall when it comes to decorations of festive seasons. Just look at that reindeer playing a violin! Look at that!

And while we're at it, hah, I haven't been playing my violin since ages. I thought of reselling it, but it scares me what if one day I just wake up and suddenly feel like playing it again, just like what happened to my ukulele. So yeah, it's there, it's still there. 

And I joined this college marathon and had fun observing some elderly people tai-chi-ing before that. And I didn't win any medals because I chose friendship and togetherness rather than winning, and honestly, I don't really give a shit about medals these days. 

New bus stop at Jalan Masjid is fully done, by the way. I think it's a but wheelchair-friendly. Other than that, I don't see much difference, but its "bus stop" sign is rather cute. Like duhhh of course it's a bus stop, honey.

One random picture one evening after my theatre practise (or was it after class? Eh, I don't remember).The guy in red misunderstood my actions I think. After I shot this picture, he stared at me and smiled weirdly, probably thinking I was secretly snapping his photo. I was actually just trying to capture how Jalan Masjid-Saujana looked like on a typical evening. But oh well. 

That's about it. 

I'm dying to write some better entries about this whole year and all those sappy year-end shit we all want to post, but the time is ticking and I need to chase on sleep and assignments and I really haven't started studying for finals, to be honest. In fact, I don't feel like I've leant anything this semester. Last Thursday (the day after theatre) I was caught sleeping in my morning class and I wasn't ashamed at all about it, so right now I'm questioning myself, yo bro, what kind of student haz you become? And to be honest, I didn't really fall asleep, if you get what I mean. I chose to sleep. 

And seriously, I'm dying to get all these assignments done so I can feel a little bit of liberation. And right now I'm visualising myself still boarding a public bus to college on Christmas eve (weird thought...) and going to the library to study just one or two days after Christmas (another weird thought...) but honestly, that's really what's going to happen, baby. 

Hopefully this is not my last blog post of the year!

#48 Strange(r) Connection

These past few days I've been thinking a lot about the woman I met on one particular bus ride the week right after I returned from Bangkok.

But before I get into the details, I guess I'll just talk about how I feel in general at this very moment I'm typing this down.

November felt like a really quick month—my soul-o trip to Serian is now one month old, mid November was still a tough period for me, and the month ended with me feeling incredibly tired physically until the point that I found myself sleeping and waking up at the oddest of hours. My routine went something like this: waking up at 5am, sleeping along the journey to college, sleeping again while waiting for classes to start. being half awake in class, lunch at 11 and trying to complete assignments and sleeping until 2, being half awake again in classes at 2, sleeping on the way home on the bus, shower and dinner as soon as I reach home, try to do some assignments again, sleep around 8pm and try to wake up around 9pm to do assignments, wake up at 10pm instead, do a little bit of assignment again, feel dizzy and decide to sleep a bit, set my alarm to wake up at 12 midnight, wake up at midnight and try to complete my never-ending assignment, ending up sleeping for real around 4am, and the cycle repeats for the whole week.

And I leave WhatsApp group chats unanswered, snap at people, don't even have the strength to lift up my guitar, can't even bring myself to read a book, and really, I don't think I've ever been this tired since a long long time. And this theatre assignment is making me a bit crazy, and I can never stay calm until it ends this Wednesday.

And probably because things were so tiring and the people around me started to make me feel a bit frustrated, these past few days I've been thinking about the woman who I met after Bangkok.

It's a weird thing, to associate her with that period of time when I came back to college after my week in Bangkok, but I found myself sitting on a bus ride earlier this week with the thoughts of wanting to meet this lady again and have a good friendly chat with her like that moment in August.

Because I remember being so happy and free last August. I remember getting off the bus and saying goodbye to her and feeling incredibly good about life. 

And I find it funny because she doesn't have the slightest idea that I'm thinking of her at this moment. 

Which brings us to the main thing I've been thinking so much about lately.

This strange stranger connection I get occasionally with some people—it's just so weird. Because November's been this record-breaking month where I go to college every single weekday of the month thanks to theatre practice. Every single weekday I board a bus to college and back home. That's 10 bus rides per week. I begin to see strangers a bit more frequently than usual, and I begin to develop a sense of familiarity with some. And it scares me a bit—the fact that I'm becoming a regular. The janitor at the main station now recognises me—she smiled at me last Friday. The DetachedDriver who never smiled had this funny expression as if stifling a laugh when he saw me. I begin meeting same people on my morning ride and evening ride, and we exchange glances with blank expressions on our faces. 

I begin to notice an incredible connection that strangers have with other strangers—for one morning a man (who regularly boards the morning bus to work) wasn't waiting at his usual spot, and one or two passengers started checking their wristwatches—a sign or concern and curiosity upon the absence of a familiar stranger at a regular time. And that was a beautiful, beautiful thought I keep on reflecting on until now.

But maybe because I'm so tired, maybe because I've lost all the enthusiasm I used to have in the past months, I no longer attract friendly encounters. Maybe my weariness shines out of my face, maybe there's an air of sadness around me. I no longer find friendly makciks who are willing to talk to me, I notice more sadness than happiness around me, and it just saddens me a bit because I miss how positive I used to be.

I miss those moments in August because those were the days when I hopped on 9am Tuesday bus rides, and I had good chats with Mak Cik Neighbour, and I met that friendly lady who gave me such a good friendly positive vibe, and I remember smiling on that bus ride, but now many things have changed.

I wonder if one day I suddenly decide to drive and drop all this bus routine, will there be one or two souls who will notice my absence? Maybe. I'll never know which soul—just as how that lady from Baki will never know how months later in tiredness and frustration about life, I suddenly get reminded of her friendliness and positive vibes. I hope she's doing OK in life. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. I no longer remember her face, but I think I remember her voice. I think I'll recognise her if we ever meet again. But for now, this strange stranger connection that I have for her is something that reminds me of one humble fact that I keep on forgetting—that sometimes maybe we forget how we're really meant to be in a certain place at a certain time, doing certain things that maybe we don't really understand why we're doing it. 

In less than a month this year is ending, and hopefully with this thought, I'll get myself back to that position where I can feel grateful about the year just as how I felt grateful about 2015 and the lessons it taught me.

#47: November: Snippets: Journal

I don't know whether this Month: Snippets: Journal is going to be a thing I'll keep on doing, but for now I kind of like the idea. 

I know you're going to be thinking that it's unwise to share something as personal as a journal entry on an open blog, but I don't see it as something very personal to be honest. Reason number one, I've been writing a lot of personal things anyway on this blog since I was 15. Two, I only post snippets. Three, I don't see my journal as a diary. This is the tricky bit where I think I have to explain that these past few months ever since I've been back to writing journal entries actively, I sometimes see myself as a writer. Let's just say that now I'm sort of a self-proclaimed writer and by the end of each month I love rereading what I've written. It's like reading a letter from a good friend, and what could be better than seeing your old self as your own friend?

And maybe I should be explaining that I blog for no one but me. Most of the things I post are just there because I'm a sentimental person who loves rereading old stuffs. And I don't see the point of making it private because I don't really care who comes here to read regularly or occasionally or whatever. Sometimes it's just nice to write something without knowing that actually someone is reading. 

So here's what happened in November

1st, Tuesday

"It's a new month. But I'm still carrying the baggage from yesterday. My shoulders are still heavy, my gait still a defeated one. I don't understand myself. Every passing moment that I'm awake at home, I feel angry. Scared. Disoriented. Only when I get out it gets better."

"I had plans to go to Serian today. I don't understand why I had to pick that timing that didn't work out. Maybe out of sentimentality towards that particular bus. Of course if I say that to people, they wouldn't understand."

"The driver tried his best to tell me I won't make it for the last bus at 5pm, and I think I sounded a bit too desperate when I asked him whether he still accepts passengers back to the main station."

3rd, Thursday

"If bus rides to Serian can make me feel this light, then let me go to Serian like how that dude went to Innisfree."

"The Mee Jawa was good. This trip is probably going to remain etched in my memory until the day I die. On the bus rides I still had flashbacks. It's just scary, how much anger I still held on to. But I think I came back with less baggage on my shoulder. I feel lighter."

"I think I made the right decision to go. I do feel bad that mum and dad don't know about it. But if they knew, they wouldn't allow me to go. They'd be thinking they're protecting me while the truth is that some fears need to be conquered."

"Sorry mum and dad, but at least I returned home safely. And I didn't really do anything. The bus rides alone, accumulated, were 4 hours long. 12 bucks. And a memory I'll keep forever, for a lifetime."

9th, Wednesday

"I have less than three days to memorise my public speaking text that doesn't even exist yet."

"I started my day pretty excitingly. Capman was back! I really like how he stopped in the middle of the road although he had already whizzed past me. This man's the MVP. He made me smile my sincerest smile as early as 5.54am. Grand, grand way to start the day. You should see me sprinting in the dark too. I don't do that a lot."

"Kelvin made me laugh until I burst into tears. I don't think I've ever laughed like that. He wrote 'cards on the table we're both playing hearts' as 'come on the table we're both playing hot'. I've read enough Reddit NSFW posts to imagine something..ergh, NSFW, so it was hilarious to me."

"MaoriTatt's bus was at 5pm. His radio was, as usual, very loud and annoying. But I had a pretty good day so I endured it all. Plus at SGH I opened my canned coffee. The jam was horrendous. But it only became unbearable when I began to feel like I needed to pee. It got worse at Batu __."

"There's this Indonesian man who actually wanted to go to Kuching Central. If only I paid attention, I could've told him when we reached Central. But no, I didn't pay attention. At Batu __ he asked the conductor where is Central. Poor man. There's no more bus from Serian (it was almost 6.30pm). The conductor advised him to hop off right there and get a taxi to go down town again. If I were an adult man I would send him back to Central. I really, really feel for him."

10th, Thursday

"Today wasn't actually bad. But I feel like shit. I don't know if I'm just tired or what, but snapping in front of __,__, and __ like that wasn't really cool."

"If he wasn't younger than me I think I would have a crush on him. He's kind of sweet."

"I had to board that 5pm bus again. It's not my favourite ride, of course."

"Hope tomorrow I'll feel a bit more energetic and enthusiastic about life."

11th, Friday

"I dreamt a lot last night. I dreamt of another road trip to Serian. I dreamt of numbers. I dreamt of people. And I dreamt of anger."

"Today was alright. At least I had fun with the girls buying breakfast."

"I was trembling. Stupid adrenaline thinking it's fight or flight time, I guess."

12th, Saturday

"I felt damn terrible and a little embarrassed but I blanketed myself with my Jake Bugg mask. I was pumped up for the competition initially. But that single incident crushed me."

14th, Monday

"Grumpyman saw me but I walked away instead of boarding his bus. I really don't want to board his bus ever again."

"I sat at STC's container office and leaned against the wall. I felt really peaceful and calm, but I kept that frown because I didn't want to appear vulnerable."

"DetachedDriver arrived at 4. I think Grumpyman hadn't left yet, but I didn't care. I boarded DetachedDriver's bus and asked him when is he leaving, just an excuse for me to hop on board his bus, and he said 4.20pm. I napped and he closed the back door, which was a good thing because it made me feel safer."

"And wow, I met __ at SGH stop! It was a fking nice coincidence. I moved to the front to chat with her and remained there even after she left. She asked whether I enjoy my course and uni to which I answered honestly, She carries an identity of Christ in her. It just shines through her eyes and actions. She said thank you to DetachedDriver in a way I admire. Her tone is so gentle and full of compassion. Meeting her gave me a weird feeling. Because I was feeling very unhappy but she opened my eyes to a few things."

"I got off from the back door because the bus stopped after the junction. So I didn't say thank you. I wanted to. But I didn't."

15th, Tuesday

"The elderly man who smiled at me last week was there. This elderly man is a good man because he asked the lady to board first and held the kid's hand to guide him to the bus. I should've smiled back at this man last week."

"He did not smile this time. He used to smile, and I used to not smile back, so I understand. I gave him the exact amount and said 'pasar' and he replied something like 'hmmh' as if saying 'I know' like whenever I tell him 'Batu __' every time I go back home."

"I left at ___ and it was raining heavily but there was sunshine. My ukulele was a bit wet. My hoodie too. But my shoes were drenched."

"He chuckled a few times. Might be forced chuckles but I like the way he chuckles. They sound like they come from the depths of his belly, so full of happiness."

17th, Thursday

"As we were lining up for rice I noticed this guy who looked like __guy who looked like __guy who looked like one of the members of Scrubb. Y'know, the generic kind of man with an egghead and super short haircut and spectacles. I seem to feel an inexplicable connection whenever I see men like these. Connection. Not attraction."

"I had to of course board MaoriTatt's bus again but it was still a million times better than Grumpyman's bus. His radio was loud, but never mind. I reached home at 6.40pm. It was a cold ride. Also the same ride when the conductor lamented about turun malam, balik malam to another passenger, which really changed my perspective about him especially when he mentioned his baby. I used no not like seeing him because he always acted like a high school jock."

18th, Friday

"When Capman arrived, I was the last to board. He needed to return lots of change to the previous man (who gave 10 bucks..),but he didn't keep me waiting because I had the exact amount in hand. He smiled warmly at me and took my fare first before returning the man's change." 

"Class was boring but __ said our assignment's the best after everyone was out."

"He had his shades on and you can almost feel that tremendous amount of vanity shining out of him."

21st, Monday

"It's been an OK day. Nothing grand nor splendid, but alright nonetheless."

"Mr __ was in pink. He smiled and nodded at me. I love that man."

"The ride was half full. And, the second chair was broken again, so right now I'm praying really hard that tomorrow this bus will be around."

"The ride was OK. I really love it when the bus speeds up along three particular roads: Batu Lintang, Batu 6-Batu 7, and Sungai Tapang after the cemetery."

22nd, Tuesday

"Practice session was so-so. We weren't happy that many didn't come, but at least we had some very honest conversations."

"In the end I boarded that bus I first boarded after public speaking. The driver looks like someone named Bernard so that's his name for now. I was alone on the bus when Bernard left to loiter around and have some banter with his friend the B2-driver-with-a-personality. I saw that it was showing signs of raining, so I tested the windows, tried to figure out which can be shut, which one is stuck, bla bla, because I wasn't familiar with this bus. Bernard may have misinterpreted my actions and thought I am a wimp for not being able to shut any of those windows, so he shut ALL from the outside and I was dying of the lack of oxygen inside. Damn it, I was wearing 2 layers of shirts."

23rd, Wednesday

"My day started early, hoping to catch Capman, but as my instincts told me, well, he wasn't around. I wonder what those STC drivers do when they're not around. Have a day off? Drive somewhere else? Chill at home? #AskingImportantQuestions."

"So I waited and waved (One 8G bus ignored me, another 3A bus whizzed past me, but the driver glanced at me). I almost gave up hope and accepted the fact I'd be on Grumpyman's bus, but another STC bus drove out of the station. I waved (this time not putting high hopes though..) but thank the universe, the driver stopped! Angels sang a sweet rendition from heaven! Ha!"

"He looks like Frankenstein's monster, in a way. So I think he'll be Frank. And he kept on spitting. Very interesting."

"It was misty and damnnn the view was damn beautiful."

"I hate how he asked questions about his assignments but then he answered 'I know' and doubt what you tell him. Like wtf, man. But damn, today I discovered that I am not a good human being."

"We ate at ___ and people were smoking and my nose went rebellious and by 11.30 it was fully blocked. I lost my mood and decided to sleep through 2pm."

"Gave 5 bucks, he returned only 50 cents. So I asked for my 2 bucks nicely, 'tadi saya bagi you 5 ringgit.' Thank the universe he believed in me and didn't start a scene. If not, well, I'd be breaking an old man's nose."

"I stood up early because the bell was far. There's this man who remained standing at the aisle in front of the door,  he said 'be careful' when I hopped off because it was raining and the steps were slippery. It then occurred to me (as I digested the thought of familiarity upon hearing his voice) THIS IS THE SAME FLIPPING MAN WHO GAVE ME HIS BORNEO POST A FEW MONTHS AGO ON THAT STC BUS! I was like, damn, how could I not realise?"

"So here I am thinking that: a) so it was alright that Capman didn't come. b) so it was alright that Ironshirtman also didn't come. I was right, Either way, a day will still be a good day depending on how I view it."

24th, Thursday

"My spaceship is back!!"

"You might be thinking that I had a grand day but the truth is only that part of the journey home was good."

"Today's been rather shitty and dull to be honest."

"Capman wasn't around. Frank too. So yes, we got GrumpyGramps again. This time I very carefully placed the 50 cents into the palm of his hand in case it rolls out and he'll hate me for a lifetime. Life is hard."

"I met __guy again but this time he didn't stare at me, so that's good. From the side, his mouth looks like Homer Simpson (his head too?) so now let me call him Homer. The ride was basically boring except for the fact that I ate my biscuit and this little boy legitly stared at me and made me feel like a horrible monster. I wanted to give him another packet I had in my bag, but damn it, you know how hesitant I am. I felt damn guilty and the guilt never left me, even when we hopped off the bus and the kid was still staring at me as I walked behind him and his mum. Damn it damn it :( "

"And yes, school is shit."

"Library was a bit empty, nice cos I'm sick and tired of seeing SPM kids. Now that my library is back to normal, it means I have a place to escape from the wankers in college. Nice. Grand. Superb. Splendid."

"My Kueh Tiaw Ayam was good cos it wasn't Kueh Tiaw Tulang Ayam or Kueh Tiaw Hirisan Ayam if you get what I mean."

"I went to KR1M to buy Bobo because I am an economic genius who spends 50 cents for 500ml of water. And I met __ at the counter. He stared at me. This is the second time I met him at KR1M. Awkward af. I don't really like this __ guy but I gotta give him +1 for his bald head and another +1 for his specs and +1 again for his pink shirt. I mean, this guy knows what's good on him."

"I began thinking that shit why is life damn difficult and I just don't want to be here can I just leave, so yes, friend, I FLIPPING LEFT. Haa! I am my own boss!"

"So I was telling myself, screw it, YOLO. But..it was only 2.30pm at that time so I did the most genius thing. I went to the flipping college library and read The Borneo Post."

"Climbed the bus, roaring I'M HOME!"

"The mentally ill woman was on board and today she made some noises. I think she's a bit unwell at the moment. She's usually very calm and quiet."

"At Batu 7 a woman sitting in the opposite row suddenly woke up and realised she almost missed her stop. She made a funny sound and everyone laughed and smile, including Ironedshirtman. I love how this bus gives me a sense of community and togetherness."

29th, Tuesday

"To say that I am tired is a bit of an understatement."

"I saw my own reflection, and freaked out, so I diverted my glance."

"And now I kinda trust my intuition. I better stop before I hurt myself like how I hurt myself after hearing that __ likes __. I mean, yes, it's not the same. But __'s filling the void in this emptiness I feel for the lack of ___________ I could feel acknowledged by. And I know __ will never acknowledge me. Maybe it's time to stop feeding myself with something that's not going to do me any good."

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Things I learnt in November

-friends are fun, but never lose the sense of familiarity and courage of being alone.

-stop chasing for something you shouldn't be chasing.

-whenever feel like jumping of Saujana, go Serian instead.

-skipping classes is OK as long as you don't do it too often.

-strangers are interesting.

-life can be physically tiring, but it's amazing how much strength we actually have.

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