I've been feeling a bit shitty, generally. Been thinking about the times when I used to receive a lot of hugs, and some nights ago I thought of how nice it is to get some hugs, and I now realise that perhaps that's why at this age many people jump into a relationship. It's nice to feel loved and all that. Especially when you feel all shitty and lonely.
But then I realise that just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that everything's going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Most of the people I know are more stressed up because of the relationship, rather than gaining happiness from it, so that's one important thing to note. Just because you're feeling all lonely and shitty, it doesn't mean you need a relationship. So I was like, never mind, let's just hug this pillow and listen to depressing music.
"Very Nice!"
Now for some happy bits..well, I can't say I'm depressed. That would be an insult to those who are truly facing depression. How can I feel depressed when I've just interacted with a Thai artiste some one or two weeks ago?
I know, I know. "Very nice!" is such a generic comment. She could have left it simply without really watching the video or even bothering to finish the whole video. I know. I know I'm being naive and overly excited. But I really appreciate it though. It takes some extra effort to at least..you know, visit my YouTube channel and click on the video.
And then it all goes back to this weird feeling of chasing for acceptance, for approval, for recognition. It dawned upon me that perhaps I haven't changed a bit. I still seek for these things, even from complete strangers, from an artiste 10 years older than me from a neighbouring country. I mean, gosh, what a sad life I'm living. And then I suddenly feel so sad again. I suddenly feel so fucking sad because I don't know, deep deep down I realise how pathetic it is, for me to wish to be liked by people, for me to feel as popular as some of my friends, and for me to be that happy Fee with a million achievements.
Anyway, I can't say I'm not happy either.
A bit of a background, I've known Rose Sirintip since I was 15. I started listening to Thai music when I was 11. Now I'm 23. You do the maths. (If you stalk deeply enough back to my 2008-2010 posts, you could see how geeky I was about Thai music and stuffs).
The thing is, I didn't actually listen to her music. I actually wasn't a fan of female artistes back then. In fact, well, now as well. I've only listened to one of her songs that I could sing along to.
But then pada suatu hari (I can't remember how and why) I landed on this video of her singing in the bathroom (I think?) and I was like dios mio, why on earth haven't I been liking this artiste? (One extra bonus point for the haircut, I gotta admit I've been a bit too obsessed with people's short haircut ever since I cut mine). The thing is, well the last time I saw her on the Internet, her hair wasn't short. That pretty much summarises how long I've been ditching my love towards Thai music and stuffs.
One thing lead to another (bear with me, this is going to sound a bit borderline creepy and obsessive), and I was like what guitar is that. Cos it looks so sexy. You know how obsessed I am with acoustic guitars. And I know that looks like a Martin logo, but why the heck is it half covered in some kind of black patch? And is this a carbon fiber guitar? Darn it, I just have to know.
So I googled for it..
...no I didn't, because I was lazy.
So I left a comment on her Instagram, partly because I wanted her to know hey there's this kid from some other country who saw her cover (I can't be the first one..but whatever.)
And she replied. And I was like zomg. And that's how I started idolising an artiste again, the same way I idolised Mike Rosenberg, well this time the only difference is that Mike Rosenberg did not leave a comment on one of my covers. I still love him though. I kinda made this stupid joke (inspired by my hermano Queen) that if I had all the power and wealth in the world, I'd hire Mike and Rose as my two singing butlers. A bit insulting, I know, but it isn't exactly an insult. More like a compliment because I can honestly listen to these two artistes sing and play guitar for the whole day.
So right now I'm sort of saying that I'm happy and sad at the same time, and I know that's a bit of a confusing and conflicting statement, but I really am.
Some Other Random Updates
So..well I'm currently on sem break so I'm just wasting my time. I'm kinda falling in love again with Thai music, which is pretty much what I've been listening to these past few days. It's like when I'm sad I love to feed myself with Thai music because some emotions can only be sang out in some other languages than English or my mother tongue or BM.
I'm kinda dreaming of getting a new guitar too. A smaller, easy-to-carry, travel guitar. I thought about it last month after having to travel to college with my hugeass guitar, by motorcycle, on a rainy morning. Don't ask me how on earth I landed myself into the situation. I still feel sad about it everytime I think of it.
So the dream is to own a Cort Earth Mini. It's like the perfect guitar for a poor college student like me who can't afford Ed Sheeran's Little Martin. Or TayTay's Baby Taylor. Now the problem is, just because you have the money, doesn't mean you want to spend the money. Because you know that amount of money is not easy to get. So it's like, you know, me back to being me, being sad about life and being mad and ungrateful because "some people are so rich and they can buy whatever they want". I'm looking at you, politicians and offsprings of politicians.
Anyway,,other than that, life's been boring. And sad. And lonely at times. But I try to not fall back into the habit of dwelling in it too much, because I want to achieve the I-dont-give-a-darn level of Jake Bugg. If you google for images of Jake Bugg, you'll get what I mean. I'm just too lazy to upload one here.
Also, I don't see the point of blogging anymore. Kinda sad, but I also thought of deleting people on facebook until I have like maybe 100 or 70 or even just 20.
Because some nights ago I was feeling so sad (again) and I realise that if anything happens to me, 420 people are not going to give a toss actually. It's like, life can go two ways. Either I get really successful, or live a sad, unsuccessful life. (Or land somewhere in between). If I fall in either of those two extremities, well, for the former, of course people are going to pretend as if they know much about me and have been there during my hard times. For the latter, some of them are just going to be there so they can enjoy my soap opera. For the middle category, I'm not so sure.
The thing I'm trying to say is, well, you gonna be all nostalgic about the past but the truth is people change and you change and facebook is prohibiting us to change. We're like stuck there with the people from our past, and some don't actually want to stay in touch with you. Don't believe it? Well I've deleted 300 people from my high school days, and I've been deleted by dozens of people from my beloved ex college. I sound a bit whiny, I kinda took it personally, but I understand how necessary it is to delete people. And that goes back to my sudden feeling of sadness. I suddenly don't feel the need to keep all these people, but at the same time, I feel a nostalgic connection with them, and that deepens my sadness. Because wtf, a nostalgic connection? It doesn't even make sense. Because I doubt that if I sort of died tonight all 420 people are going to mourn for me. I'd place a bet on 5, excluding my family members. And some other 25, again, due to nostalgic connections. They wouldn't be probably feeling sad and mournful but maybe feeling a bit like "oh, we used to do stuffs together." Like yknow, used to.
This is a bit of a self-absorbed thought, but I just gotta let it all out. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm idk I'm just feeling extra whiny.
That's pretty much it.
Still living a boring life, still being whiny, still feeling ungrateful all the time..
