Haha

It's not easy to find myself having the ability to write something happy on this blog.

Today seems to be an exception.

For the past few weeks in January, life has been going on as usual with a lot of mundane days where I find myself repeating the same cycle of eat-sleep-study-cry-laugh.

Today's a bit...unusual.

I've been training myself to wake up at 5.30am lately, and yes, it is possible, but only if I sleep at 10. Last night's been a great moment of returning into the worship team and going for worship practice. Made me remember about the things which I have forgotten. 

So I woke up late because I went to bed late. And just when I thought I couldn't grab something for breakfast, I actually managed to spare some time for it and reach college just in time before Chemistry started.

Lessons were..well, ah I'm skipping this part.

Two hours of Bio...arms felt like tercabut copying the notes...

Then a good recess, having a debat kedai kopi with my classmates regarding a few topics like being in a relationship, getting married, etc. I can't believe it turned out to be a good discussion with varied opinions.

Next was Campus Revo...which was good despite the small number. Successor asked about new year resolutions. I can't believe I don't really remember what I typed on this blog earlier this year. I made a brief summary of three points:

1. Fall in love with Jesus.
2. Get out of this place with no regrets.
3. Make my parents happy.

After that..I had to run back to class...

...for another two hours of Bio lecture. Which is certainly not boring when you have an enthusiastic lecturer, but honestly tiring for me to sit down for a long period of time because that's simply one of my weaknesses.

Towards the end of the lecture, I kept on telling my classmate sitting next to me..

"I'm gonna die..I'm gonna die".

Die, my friend, is not a good word to play around with. I'll get back to this later on.

As I sluggishly laid my head on the table, a classmate called my name and said.. "Feeeee..don't give up!"

I have amazingly funny classmates (Took me a very long time to realise about that). It sure did make me laugh.

Classes ended 30 minutes earlier with a loud sigh of relief from almost everyone (lecturer laughed about that). I walked to the bus...

...and the bus dropped us at the petrol station...

...and I almost got hit by a car thanks to my lousy skills in crossing the road.

All of a sudden...the sound of the birds chirping sounded so beautiful..and I remembered about some things I haven't been doing.

Like buying a pump for my basketball which is seriously out of air.

I decided that I could've died not being able to play basketball for the final time, so I searched high and low for a ball pump in three different shops.

The moment I returned and just when I pumped my basketball, I heard a group of girls coming towards the basketball court...

....and..there goes my dream of playing.

A duo then came, and there was a bit of misunderstanding between the two groups..because obviously no one likes to share, not even for a basketball court. I watched the entertainment from my window, smiling alone after the disappointment.

It's very hard to have a good weather in the evening in Shah Alam lately.

I wasted this evening by typing this out.

I hope tomorrow evening I'll get to play.

Then I can study happily for my Unit 2 Bio class test this Thursday.

Haha this is one lame blog post, but I'm happy today, and I guess that's a good thing. :)

ARGGHHH ARGHHH ARGGGHHHH

One thing about Bio this semester is that it doesn't let you heal or mourn over your past mistakes. After all the emoness, there's yet another test. And another. And another. I might become habituated to failure of answering the questions.

And oh, looks like Thursday ain't a holiday after all. Yayyyy.

Thirty-seven, One Hundred

37 days.  And exactly 100 days.

Only one hope.

To stay alive till the very end. 

To be able to look at the sky and be grateful that my heart is still beating. To laugh along with my friends, to cry whenever I need to. To shoot the basketball into the hoop like a champion. To enjoy the midnight breeze, every single midnight. To be thankful, that I'm in an arena of champions, because I'm one of them in the first place. To experience every single emotion. Anger. Doubt. Pain. Regret. Joy. Because they're there for a reason. 

I won't wait for luck.

One day I'm pretty sure I'll be able to look back and see how these dots connect.

Till then, you can be well assured that I'm doing my part.

"ล้มลงแล้ว ก็ไม่แคล้ว สิ่งหนึ่งคือฉันไม่ยอมแพ้" - วัดใจ, Silly Fools.

Back

Just because there'll be no lectures for one week except for Tuesday next week. (Four hours of Bio yearggghhhh).

When it's raining again I'll be running back into the cave and enjoy some silence.

I make bad decisions most of the time.

Problem with frontal lobe perhaps.

Pain

Cry only if it makes you feel better. If it makes you feel worse, brush off your tears, no matter how much it hurts.

I used to cry until I fell asleep just to make me feel better.

But now, whenever I cry, it only makes me feel worse. I decided I should stop being so weak. And somewhere along the line, I find myself trying to learn to stand up for myself and not putting myself into a place where my emotions become to vulnerable.

Nobody gets it. Being in this situation isn't always depressing. I'm happy that I'm breathing, that wherever I walk around this area, I still see people who smile and say hi to me. I still enjoy the breeze, laugh with my housemates, enjoy my studies and feel motivated occasionally.

But then little things are always trying to bring me down. Like the terrible Bio test this morning. Like my thoughts about the past, and my future. Like how I don't know to who should I run to, although I know, I refuse to, because I just don't see the point.

I can't believe I've been living in this cycle for almost two years now. I haven't seen anything coming out from it. I haven't seen what lesson am I supposed to learn from it. All of a sudden, all those sympathetic remarks, encouragement, heart-to-heart talks become nothing but mere jokes, which come and go the same like seasons that pass by.

I'm not asking for much. Or perhaps I am.

I just want to get out of this place one day without any regrets.

Is it so hard to understand? 

Sometimes I wished someone would never give up on me, just like Minami Sensei in My Boss My Hero, scolding and pushing Makky to the point that he enjoyed his schooldays and studies. But I came to realise that life is not like movies or dramas, and most of the time, it's only you who will have to whisper to yourself to carry on even when things are so confusing and you feel like giving up.

I am very disappointed about my Bio, I really am. Because I tried hard. And when you try too hard, yet see nothing, it sucks. It's like everything that you do goes to waste. Not only in studies, but in so many other things as well. You don't really want to talk about it, but you can't help to not whine again about it.

Shut up Fee, who said it's hard? Don't talk too much.

Sigh

I made up my mind, did what I thought of doing.

and I'm still not sure whether I took the correct step.

If I'm wrong, correct me, make me realise my mistake, let me learn from this. Correct me. Guide me. Please. Don't let me walk away thinking that I did the right thing. 

I Wish and What If

I wish I never had to explain so hard when people ask me why.

It's only the second week of January. Life's been as interesting as it always is, I managed to accomplish a few things I never thought of accomplishing - a three-pointer in basketball for the first time when playing alone on a random evening, a set of almost complete chemistry notes digested from the whole AS textbook, and a few little things like staying fully awake in class and having lesser and shorter online sessions.

Of course, motivation is always high in the first few stages of something.

I only have 51 days for my trial exams and life so far isn't only about studies, but self-discovery as well. It is indeed tiring to have so many things playing in my mind, with conflicts and confusion, faces of people, old memories, rebellion and doubts. But so far none has given me the thoughts that life is a misery, at least not yet. 

I wish we live in a world with more real people, no puppets and robots, all doing things to deceive and please those around them. I wish I never became one in the first place. Sadly I am one, even in the times when I don't realise.

I wish more people in this world could understand why certain people hold on to certain beliefs.

What if someday I take a drastic step that could change my future?

It's unbelievable that sometimes you don't even know whether you are doing something right or wrong, and it's seriously scary. 

I wish if I am wrong, then I should know that I am wrong.

I just want to go back home one day, coming just as I am, without having to fake my actions and beliefs just because of people and places and principles, but because of one right reason - 

which I am not really sure of.

When...

When test papers give you zero marks....

you make telur mata kerbau. Lots and lots of telur mata kerbau.

Or maybe hard boiled egg which is cut into half.

When life hits you real hard, and you're tired of being such a wimp, the only logical thing to do is whisper to yourself.

Don't you cry, don't you dare cry.

So you end up laughing instead.

Sounds Familiar

That was me, more than two years ago, here on this blog.

I did fulfil my promise back then. I did face the test with determination.

I did enjoy the final moments of my schooldays.

The word impossible is only inside the dictionary of fools.

WALAO EH, what happened to this kid? :]

Yo

Third day of 2013. Final semester. Second day since class started.

Feels like going through the same year of SPM, all over again, just that it's only 60 days to trial exams and 123 days left till the first day of the real A-levels.

"Don't stress yourself. When you're stressed, you become depressed. When you become depressed, you'll have a high tendency to commit suicide. Apoptosis.", said my new Biology lecturer. I think I'm starting to love Bio classes.

Motivation is always high during the start of something new, so I'm not going to talk much.

For some reason, despite all the misery and moments of trying to feel the sense of belonging in my own class, I somehow feel that my hope is not over yet. I still have my thick black sweater and my earphones to create my own happy world. I still have songs to keep me calm when the voices in my head says bad things about myself.

"In this life, you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself." - Rudy (1993).