#19 Another Thursday

I'm in the mood to blog these days. I might be expressing my thoughts too excessively though, considering that I've just finished writing a journal entry as well. But who cares, right?

Maybe I should start blogging seriously. Start a new blog. Write quality contents. Idk man. It sounds like a good thing, because come to think of it, I don't think there are many blogs written from the point of view of a (pardon my language) bus wanker and library addict and a constantly free college student who's frustrated cos she ain't got no money but she ain't know how to start finding a part time job. (Oh here we go again...)

Anywayyy.

So I went to the library again for no particular reason, meaning, I spent 5 bucks for nothing again. I mean, oookay, you can choose whichever way to view it. Some will probably think I'm wasting my time and money just to send myself to a library an hour away from home so that I can spend time reading for 5 hours straight (with 5 minutes toilet break, twice) then come back home again, spend another hour on the bus doing nothing but stare at people and stuffs and the sky, like a true creep.

Or you can probably view it as a weekly routine, an escapade, a time to rejuvenate, meditate, unwind, whatever you want to call it. Or probably I can just say that I need this time because I want to keep my sanity intact. I don't really need to explain anything, right?

I managed to finish reading 1984 by George Orwell. I'm really bad at giving reviews but I have to say this really is a good book, ahead of its time and all that. But I don't think it left any huge impact on me. Animal Farm was a true eye-opener. This one was like hmmhmm ookay.

As for our #BusJournals series today I am compelled to write about many many things, as usual.

I boarded my usual bus to town and from town. These are two different buses, two different drivers. I gave them nicknames because I am a creep it makes journal-writing a lot easier. Bus to town: the detached driver. Bus from town: the political spy driver. Oh, don't ask why. It's going to get all weird if I explain. And while we're at it, I haven't seen the ever-grinning driver in about 3 weeks now and I really really miss his bus.

Anyway, I don't think anyone else cares about this as much as I do but here's some things about the ride today:

Detached Driver's Bus:

I'm really bad at taking pictures when
I feel as if people are watching me.

1. I was on the same ride with this little girl and her dad and (I assume) her grandpa and actually they were on the same ride with me last Tuesday morning. As soon as they hopped off at Sarawak General Hospital, the little girl gave me a legit smile and I was like dios mio, what have I done to deserve such a sweet little smile on a sunny morning. I smiled back so naturally. I think she recognised me. And that's kinda funny and cute and heartwarming.
2. I met a mentally-ill man again, for the second time. The first time I met him was on the ride home exactly a week ago. On that ride, he was muttering stuffs on his own, and I wrote about him on my previous journal entry that he was "like a sports commentator, reporting every move the bus driver made, and it was comedic and creepy at the same time." We'll get back to this man soon because looking at him gave me so many things to think about. (And this is not the end of the story yet.)
3. The driver thought that I was paying for myself and my new neighbour-friend, the mak cik I met a few weeks ago. Which probably means he thinks we're related. Which is actually a legit assumption because we happen to board this bus together almost every week. And I thought it was kinda funny because oh well these days I think almost everything is funny. It's hard to be easily amused. And right now I'm sitting here feeling sad that my new semester is starting next week, which means I have a new schedule, and I will most probably not get to wait for this bus together with this mak cik neighbour-friend (On my journal I write her name as MCN short for Mak Cik Neighbour although I know her name already.) and it means oh well I won't be having this simple weekly interactions at the bus stop with an adult stranger. Damn, I love talking to adults. 

Political-Spy Driver's Bus:

Good to be back on this bus. It's funny that I can
sort of close my eyes now and maybe
be able to tell the difference of each bus lol
based on the sound of the engine.

1. THE BUS IS BACKKK! I haven't seen this bus in two weeks. I was beginning to worry about it. I know, it's weird to feel worried about a vehicle, but I have an attachment with this bus now. This reminds me of what the tourist guide in Ayutthaya said, about in Buddhism they teach you about not having the feeling of attachments whatsoever. And I'm like oh crap, how can I feel so attached to a (pardon my language), fucking bus.
2. Two plausible theories is that the bus broke down or they sent it somewhere to fix the broken chair. I was very tempted to ask the political-spy driver, but there's this mak cik half-complaining and half-asking him about why he has to wait for another few minutes to move (this driver is kinda punctual) and upon hearing that question I think he was rather annoyed but I could be assuming things. He's always smiling but after the question he wasn't smiling at all so I thought that it would be stupid to suddenly ask, "Hey so what actually happened to this bus last week?"
3. AND OHH the mentally-ill guy was on the same ride again. Well actually this happened earlier.I boarded the bus, no one was there, but as soon as I picked my spot, he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and we were the only two on the bus, and I freaked out because he started muttering. I'll get back to this story soon.
4. I ate an apple instead of drinking canned latte. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it was if anyone happened to be looking at me and thinking of the pen-apple-pineapple-pen song, but come on, I shouldn't be that perasan right? So I acted cool and munched away, because I didn't have lunch, and I didn't have anything else to munch on (the temptation to much on something is damn strong especially if you see the driver munching away his apollo layer cake) and when he opened a can of coffee, I swear I felt fidgety and regretted the fact I didn't get a can for myself. 

So I am writing this because I want to write a few things about the mentally-ill man.

At first, I admit, my first meeting with him was funny.

This was a week ago, on a different bus. There were some secondary school boys at the front row of the bus, smoking and talking among themselves. The bus hadn't moved yet. The driver was still at the toilet. There's another lady. And another man. And I had just picked my spot when this mentally-ill man appeared and muttered some things to himself. He then chose the seat directly in front of me and directly behind the guy's seat.

He continued muttering away stuffs in mild anger, I guess. Feeling uncomfortable and a little afraid, my brain told me to switch to another seat in front (closer to the smoking kids..) but my heart said, ohh son, if you make that deliberate move, that man's going to mutter about you. And ohhh, I really love my logic. 

Because that's when I said ah-a! Let's pretend you need to go to the shop to buy a bottle of chilled water so that you can kind of politely leave that seat and choose a different seat afterwards. And boy, I was so glad I had that idea.

Because the man really did mutter about the people around him. He muttered about the driver in disgust. And he muttered to the schoolkids to keep their school uniforms nicely instead of tossing and twirling it in the air that way, because that's going to be hard to wash. At this point, I was smiling alone. When the kids noped the fuck out of the bus, they complained to each other in my native tongue, "that guy had too much drugs." Again, this made me smile. 

But seeing him again today was different. How could I smile and laugh about something I always say I stand for? I mean, come on. I am against bullying, and I am concerned of mental illnesses and suicide and all those shit. Seeing him today got me thinking, what actually happened to this man? How did he end up this way, and what exactly do the drivers feel about letting him board buses for free?

In our first encounter this morning, he sat directly behind me but didn't disturb me. I was listening to Passenger on my walkman. He was, again, muttering stuffs. But when we were about to reach his stop, he actually tapped my shoulder and that made me jump a bit because I was very absorbed in my music. It then occurred to me that he was actually asking me to help him press the bell. 

In the second encounter, things were scarier, because we were the only ones on the bus, and he was muttering AT me about the rubbish in the rubbish bin and how it will get blown all over the places if the back door is opened. He also muttered about how he was asking nicely about another bus schedule and people were ridiculing him, and that made me a bit sad. But again, I was afraid, so I used the oh-let's-go-buy-that-water-that-you-don't-really-need strategy, and I left him alone on the bus.

As soon as I returned, he greeted me and said hey, just sit at where you were previously seated, because that new spot that you've chosen is on the sunny side and it's going to get hot. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I smiled I said, it's ok, I'll open the windows and let the wind blow in. And he actually legitly spoke English to me after seeing that I was carrying that George Orwell book, and I was like damn, who is this man and what happened to him?

The driver didn't bother to neither collect the fare from him nor acknowledge his presence, so I think he's a regular. It might seem heartless, to completely ignore the presence of someone and make him look invisible, but if I were a driver I'd probably do the same, maybe. What if you acknowledge his presence and he starts behaving violently? What if he himself wants to be invisible and undisturbed? 

While waiting for the bus to move, he greeted another passenger, but the woman didn't look his way, and he suddenly turned bitter again, stomping on the aluminium cans he collected and muttered about how people said he's drunk while he's just actually asking legit questions about bus schedules. It broke my heart, to hear him say that. Suddenly I felt so bad for laughing at him a week ago. But you can't really do anything to help these people, right? You feel for them, but at the same time you fear about your own safety. And don't get me started on social stigma and stuffs like that. 

So for the whole journey I was feeling a bit down because I had no coffee, I had so many things playing in my mind, and my adventure of the day was about to end and I was heading home, back to a place I dearly love, but is imperfect in so many ways.

But I was also feeling good because I managed to finish a book I've been wanting to read since forever, and I was wearing a shirt that made me feel good, together with dad's old jumper that kept me so warm and comfy in the library.

Dad's jumper. Sorry I actually do snap toilet mirror selfies
almost every time I visit the library.

I love my new shirt lol.

Also, I find it amusing that back in secondary school and early college days I used to worry about wearing wrinkled shirts. When you're a kid of a military man it's kind of something that becomes part of you as well, I guess. All the ironing and stuffs. All the self-consciousness of wearing wrinkled/creased shirts. But today, boy today, this shirt was wrinkly as hell, even the bus driver's ironed shirt is a thousand times better. And then it dawned upon me that I'm turning into one of those people who can face the world and go out in un-ironed shirts and that idea kind of made me feel weird. And then again it dawned upon me that I haven't been ironing clothes for...wow. Years? This is random. But yeah, Sundays used to be damn excruciating back in secondary school because I had to iron my uniforms but now I'm as free as a bird with ruffled feathers. (You get the gist..)

Well nothing really happened today though. Next week I'll be back to school. Not sure what I feel though. Results are about to be released. And I'm nervous about the new schedule because it's going to mess up my routine for sure. I'll need to adapt and get a new routine. 

Besides that well I've been playing Passenger's new album on repeat. While I'm at it I guess I should share some of my favourite songs from the album.

I was listening to this on the bus earlier today, as in reallly listen to the lyrics and think about them, and that line about "You're older than you used to be" and  "And no man has ever stopped time flying by" well they really struck me. So I was there, sitting and staring out of the window and I was like damnnnn. Right now at this exact second I am older than I used to be. And that made me feel so weird.

-I tried embedding Fool's Gold here but it keeps on vanishing oh me so noob-

My favourite line here is "Give me golden afternoons in May, Give me silver moons that light my way, And I won't ask for fool's gold anymore" because it's such an apt line of request when you're sitting on a bus and you know that it's sometimes these simple pleasures that mean more that things you've been dreaming to own. (*clears throat* *new guitar*)

   

This is the one I can listen to on and on and on and feel damn sad and funny at the same time because there's a line that mentioned "I always wanted to learn Spanish" and it just reminded me of my failed attempt/abandoned project to learn Spanish. And this line, this line makes me damn sad: "How we beg and we borrow, say we do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come."

And well, Mike doesn't only write sad songs so here's a happier one to keep me smiling on the bus and I like the part when he mentioned "through every emotion, when you know that they don't care" idk why I feel so adventurous when I listen to this. 

And this one, this one, if I listened to it three years ago I'd probably weep to death. :) I don't think I can explain how relatable this song is to me.

So yeah, that was a rather long post. Good to be reread and laugh at one year from now, I guess. 

Till we meet again in another long-winded, pointless blogpost! 

#18 Eh

I have this sudden urge to blog..

..and really, I don't know why. Because it's funny that in the past couple of months I've been so lazy to write about anything and express my feelings and stuffs but now my mind is so full of stuffs that kind of makes me feel like exploding if I don't get them all out.

But I really don't know what those stuffs are.

I've spent a couple of hours today reading about the MBTI upon finding out that I'm confused whether I'm an INFJ or INFP. Not that it matters much though, but I'm that type of person who feels fidgety if I can't find an answer to something I really want to know about. Like if something is on the tip of my tongue and I reallly can't remember, well, it's that kind of annoying feeling. Or like when someone tells you a story and they forget one important detail but they brought it up already, well, again, it's that kind of feeling, if you get me.

So I read articles after articles and I still can't decide whether I am an INFJ or INFP so I guess I'll never know the answer.

Also, I've been thinking about Twitter and how can people use Twitter for real. I'm not saying that I don't like Twitter, but it puzzles me that people can use it as their main social media. I have a private account to post stuffs I'm too lazy to develop into proper blog posts. I also use it as a place to get some stuff off my chest. And also to note down some short moments I'd like to remember, like the days I get to see my crush and well, those sort of stuff. But beyond that, I don't think it's a place for me, because isn't it kind of sad that your tweets will be buried and it's so hard to reread the older ones, especially if you have like 4000 tweets? And isn't it a bit messy to tweet responses and your own ideas on one same space? I may sound like I'm being whiny but again it's just some of the questions that are going through my mind at the moment. 

I'm also in some sort of dilemma because I think I've dived too deep into something. Well it actually happened last December also, I mean it's almost the same case...but this time it feels a little bit wrong-er if you get what I mean? Of course you don't. I mean why is being an adult so hard? As children, when we like someone, it's just pure innocence, right? It's so nice to be a child. When you smile, it means nothing else. And when someone smiles at you, you ought to be happy. But as an adult it all gets complicated..the attractions, suspicions, small actions that are supposed to be small..I guess I've been overthinking a lot lately. And it's really tiring. 

And these feelings aren't helping much. I really get fidgety in certain situations and I feel so awkward most of the time when I'm not supposed to. And most of the time these days I wish I were someone else. Most of the time I wish I was a natural smiler, a warm, friendly guy, someone so approachable and happy. I don't exactly know why, but it's just that sometimes I sit alone and imagine myself having the power to talk to anyone, everyone, really. I used to like keeping things to myself and be in my own little world. In fact I still think I enjoy doing that. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what if I wasn't this shy person who calculates every single step and action, and what if, what if I had the capability to do stuffs spontaneously, naturally.

Which is probably why I was made this way? Because if I was not like this, I'd probably have landed into some kind of trouble? I don't know. But it seems like as I grow older I no longer see things as black and white...it's like suddenly I realise there are so many grey areas and why some adults really screw up their lives and kind of lose their principles and morals and ethics or whatever you choose to call it. And that's just scary to think of. I'm so afraid to grow up. Because it also means that what you think about someone may be wrong, and that's just saddening, to be honest. 

It's a bit of a risky thing to talk about but I guess halfway writing this just makes me feel a bit better. I don't feel like I'm swelling with annoying thoughts anymore. A little fidgety, yeah, but probably it's because of the latte. 

Well, till we meet again.

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#17 8561 Days

Alive for 8561 days.

That doesn't sound like a lot of days, to be honest.

But I guess I had to think about it, blog about it, whatever this entry is going to end up like.

Because on the bus ride home today I've been thinking about a lot of things. About today, in particular. And about the past week. And about the things I've wrote about in my personal journal.

I try to write on my journal at least once a week these days. I somehow regret on the days when I skipped writing. And because right now I'm on a semester break, I thought that it would be good to stick to my routine, so I still go to the library even though I have no classes to attend. It's like I'm spending RM5 just for the sake of finding solace on the bus rides, and having that sense of liberation as I sink into whichever book I happen to be reading at the library.

Right now it's Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. I'm left with 4 more chapters to go, and I can't stop thinking how good the timing is when I chose to read this book.

Well let's get back to the start.

I actually have no clear directions in writing this entry. I've been thinking about my past entries and how funny it is to reread some of them, and right now my main objective is to write something that will be something worth reading (well, at least for myself) in say, 2 or 3 years to come.

So summer has ended, and it's time for a gloomy autumn (I know..we don't have seasons like these in Kuching, but it's a nice thing to write about). Technically summer was really like summer, except for the fact that it occasionally rained in the evenings, and right now it's really autumn, although it's all sunny and bright in the morning, well, for the past 2 or 3 days it's been scary in the evenings. Yesterday a huge tree fell down on the road around 8th Mile and well I imagined myself trapped in the jam, on a bus, wanting to pee, if, if, I had classes or went to the library. But I was safe and sound at home.

It was scary too this evening. The sky was in dark grey at Jalan Masjid, right after I walked there. I knew it was going to rain, but well it wasn't as bad as I expected.

It was only this bad.
Well, more reasons I don't
prefer the air-conditioned buses.

So I dodged the downpour, but silly me held on to the routine of hopping on the old bus, but for some reason I may never find out, it never appeared today.

I gave up and hopped on the air-conditioned bus, which as you can see, also didn't guarantee that I'd be safe from the wrath of the rain. Drip, drip, drip, they went, as I try to ignore the tiny droplets that bounced off to my face and arms. You see, I wouldn't be annoyed if this happened on an old bus. It's to be expected. 

I'm certainly not annoyed. Okay let's be honest I was annoyed. But it was solely because my routine was disrupted. 

I don't know why and whether this is normal, but I do get really weird when I don't get to do my usual things or get my usual spot, like at the library if someone else takes up my spot, I'd feel a bit sad. And today my 9am bus, the old bus, didn't appear. And my usual bus home also didn't appear. Just when I thought I'd be having another grand Tuesday just like the other good old Tuesdays, well, things went different. This probably indicates that I really am a routine kind of person.

I'm still wondering what happened to my old bus that I've been faithfully hopping on on Tuesdays. Well that was when I still had classes on Tuesdays in the previous semester. Now that I'm about to enter a new semester, I'm sure my routine will change again. But right now I'm not ready for a new routine, and I don't want to say goodbye to this bus yet. The driver is one of the very few good men who drives buses. I don't even have to tell him my destination because he remembers. He'd answer me "Welcome!" when I say thank you as I hop off his bus. And he's a man of routine. He almost has this ritual he sticks to when he arrives at the station. For many weeks in a row, every Tuesday, same timing, he never fails to show up. Not until today. And I worry about him, to be honest. I hope he's just having an off day. It would be sad if he got a new job or something. What a selfish thought, but that really is kinda sad. Obviously, he's my favourite bus driver after the constantly-grinning driver, if that's even a legit thing to say. Only those two buses make me abnormally happy and free I guess. Only those two buses make me feel like I'm at home. I know, your friend here is a little bit weird. 

I got this familiar bus driver though today but he's not among the nicest men you'd meet. He gave me a "What the heck did you say can you speak louder" look when I told him my destination. It saddened me because my usual Tuesday ride home would feel homey-er than this. 

But oh well, it wasn't like I was sticking to my routine today. I went a little adventurous, and decided to have a BigMac alone just because I haven't been having McD since the Samurai Pork Burger in Bangkok. And that also means I haven't been having BigMacs since..probably June, July, or early August.

So off I marched to Plaza Merdeka. And there wasn't even a second that I felt sad or lonely. Also, McD always has this cool playlist with chill songs that I happen to always enjoy listening to. 

So I sit on this table for oneeee!
(singing Passenger songs again lol)

My main agenda, though, was to check out this exhibition at the Old Court House. It's funny that I found out about Urban Sketching a few weeks back on Instagram, and then I found out that Kuching has its own group of Urban Sketchers and jeng jeng! They happened to be celebrating their 4th anniversary around this time! And I was like wellll let's just go and get inspired, because who knows, this might be something I'm eager to be part of.

Well I am eager to start urban sketching, to be honest. But I don't feel that I'll be good enough and I fear the pressure of drawing in public in front of people who are super duper good. And I don't have a proper water colour set, apart from the cheap box I own since Form 2. So yeah. 

While we're at this then let's talk about my many other interests which have been abandoned. First of all, fingerstyle guitar.

I've stopped learning anything new. The fun went away right when I started to have the vision of making money through my YouTube channel (which never happened and will never happen). It was all fun at first, when I managed to master that Sungha Jung arrangement. Then it all went a bit stressful so I dropped everything down. These days I just play for fun, with zero goals and expectations, just like the good old days. I guess some things are just not meant to be. And some hobbies should really just stay as hobbies that make you happy, instead of pressured.

So right now I guess I'm in this phase of sketching. I found this very cool Instagram account of a guy who sketches people at bus stops and transits. He doesn't actually sketch these people in detail..but enough to capture the gestures and I find it realllllly interesting because, well, obviously, I've been people-watching on buses (call me a creep, I won't deny) and damn, every single human being has this unique personality (or whatever you call it) that just shines right out of them as they simply stand up or walk. I'd kill to draw as good as that Instagram guy.

Best decision made today:
Walked to the Old Court House for this!

So yeah. I actually spent quite a long time admiring the sketches. I felt free, as if no one, nothing, not a single baggage or person was weighed upon me or tied to me as I roamed around the area. It's so liberating. I felt alive.

And I remember around this time last year there was a haze and right after the haze things seemed to get better in my life. I entered a new semester, got myself a library card, had a steady routine of going to classes every single day of the week at 8am, and in the middle of that semester I came to understand that my depression was completely gone. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to think of, and I'm glad I wrote some of those thoughts down on my journal.

You see it's so weird, all these haze and rain and sunny days, they seem to bring us back to certain periods in our lives when we were going through stuffs, well, at least that's what it's like for me. I'm sure next year around this same month I'll be thinking about this moment, and the heavy rain, and how nice it is to feel some of these feelings that I'm feeling. 

I can blog about it and appear happy and contented because I really am. The past few weeks were indeed shitty but there were many good things happening as well. (Qoute from journal: ..but really sometimes I feel that I'm so tired of becoming not good enough. I don't want to get all whiny but rather than seeing all these people around me feel so disappointed in me, I think going first would let go some of the burden off their shoulders. But damn in, these STC bus strangers keep on stopping me from actually wanting to do it. They always make me feel like I'm important and needed in society.) Right now things seem to be slowing down a bit and I feel a lot better.

I also bought a proper pen and a blank book
just in case I really suddenly have the
courage to sketch people.

Well I guess that's all that happened today.

Life, in general, has been OK. This is kind of like a repetition of the previous paragraphs and the many other blog posts I've posted before. But really, I'm in a phase where I am enjoying the bus rides and the trips to the library. I'm still enjoying my books, my guitar, my canned latte.. It's like things aren't changing much but I do feel that if I look back to this day next year, I'd be feeling OK, apart from the fact that I won't be able to see Passenger live in Singapore this coming January (I've decided that this will have to wait..as much as I really want to go, I don't think I should. The sense of responsibility of becoming a real adult is beginning to kick in, and I really want to be able to support myself as soon as I can.)

I still have big dreams in some other areas in life. There's one that I'm really enthusiastic about. But I fear that telling people about this will actually embarrass myself, so right now I'm trying really hard to shut up and make multiple attempts until I can sort of be contented with whatever achievement I'll be getting. 

I guess this post is long enough. Long enough and detailed enough to make me smile as I read it next year, maybe. Hey future Fee, look what we did (and what we wrote) on 20th September 2016 lel.

.

OHHH AND I HAVE TO INCLUDE THIS TOO

I stopped playing PokemonGo because I really don't want to spend my money on subscribing to mobile data (which I did for like 3 weeks I think) and I just want to sit and stare out of the window on bus rides. Live in the moment, live in the moment.

Also, punk/metal/rock covers of pop songs are kind of nice to listen to at this moment.

Also, I cut my hair today. All by myself. Yes I had to include this here..

#16 Last Bus Ride (of the Semester)

Last bus ride of this semester.

11th consecutive rainy evening bus ride with the same bus same driver.

Can't wait for the new semester to start.

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#15 Bus Journals

Now I'm kind of regretting the fact that I didn't start a proper bus journal. Not that it would be a grand idea, but these days I just feel that I've lost some good lessons I should've jotted down from the start. 

So now I'm finding all the chance to record each tiny detail because wow, I don't know man. STC buses have been around since forever. What if they're going to be gone in a matter of years?

And because instablogging is kinda weird (people post their best pics on instagram, while I post short blogposts lol) and posting short essays about buses as status updates on facebook is going to make more people unfriend me, I guess the best outlet is thespeechlessdustbin because yeah baby, you either stay or leave and I don't actually really care if I'm babbling all by myself here.

Here's some pictures of today:

It was so sunny at Jalan Masjid lol.

Then suddenly it rained at Batu 7. 

I find it funny because I'm too easily amused these days. On other evenings if I hop on other buses it almost never rains. I wish I was making this story up but dios mio, this is the 10th consecutive rainy evening I had with the exact same bus and bus driver.

Today's been a pleasant ride because nobody was invading my personal space (rule no 1, no one should sit next to you, or on the row directly behind you and in front of you if there are other empty seats around.) Of course this doesn't count if the bus is full. I never really mind sharing seats even with guys. Heck, they pay for the fare too. And not all guys are creeps. Some are just tired and need a seat just like you. Most are actually harmless. 

It rained heavily as I said and there's a blind man on the bus today. He struggled to shut the window. I helped him and shut the other windows as well. I sound like I'm karma-whoring lol but please, hold on. Listen to me. These past few days have been tough and I really don't feel like I matter to some people. 

But when I saw the blind man, I felt this selfish happiness inside me. The kind of happiness knowing the fact that I still have a function in society. And when I hopped off the bus and said thank you to the driver, I felt so good because I said something that I should be saying more to people. The point is, I marvel at the fact that when we do these little things is it really that we're doing it for people or are we doing it for ourselves?

Which brings me to the next thought. All these bus rides I'm addicted to..they're all selfish addictions. And that's just weird. 

Deep inside, I know all I want to do is to spread positivity. But the satisfaction I get from it, I don't really understand. Isn't that when you do something to someone, you're not supposed to really feel good about yourself? 

Deep down I know it's not about me. But again, after all these dark days, I bring myself back again and again to hop on buses a for this sole reason. It makes me feel alive.

But isn't that a selfish act?

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#14 Hello September

Boring title, I know.

As boring as my first four days of September.

I'm in the middle of finals right now. Not that it's like a big news. Everyone has finals. It's not something worth blogging about.

But I have to admit I don't really want my semester to end. And I don't really want my sem break. Which is weird, because for the past semesters, sem break is all I ever look forward to.

I don't play guitar that much these days. I don't really know why. All I ever crave for each day right now is to get my butt out of the house and come back home when it's about time for dinner.

Which is weird, to be honest. All my life I never enjoyed being out. But suddenly, these days, I yearn for chances to roam around town alone like a juvenile. Maybe it's because when I was a teenager I almost never spent time outside so right now I'm experiencing some sort of delayed angsty teen period. I don't know, really. 

So right now I'm just freaking out because I'll be having sem break really soon and that means that I don't have any excuses to board buses to town and have my time alone. Who would've thought that this could be an addiction? I never signed up for this willingly, but look at me now.

The point to this post is that well it's September already and I can't believe the year is ending real soon and next month will be my first anniversary of getting a library card and the following month will be my second anniversary of becoming a certified bus wanker.

And yeah baby, I ain't gonna lie.

Only those two things are keeping me alive right now.

Other than that, things have been shitty.

.