Woke up feeling perfectly fine but later three hours of Statistics exam in a super cold small classroom caused me to get a terrible flu which is so annoying. Almost cried while answering the paper. Felt so sad and hungry I took a large pile of rice for lunch and yeah, dozed off in the library before Bio. Finished one packet of tissue paper provided by very generous housemate during Bio. Walked out of the exam hall in the heavy rain. Got my new pair of shoes wet. But entered the house with a large grin..
..plus a pocketful of tissue papers containing mucus.
Stats killed me, Bio made me come back alive. To those who are concern, yeah it's been a bad bad start especially for Stats, which I pretty much know how the end result will be.
Still alive, still going to carry on.
So what. It's not that I didn't study.
Time to study for the next Bio paper, with the hope that the flu medicine won't make me fall asleep.
I'm running out of titles and I'm starting to use letters and useless expressionsssss.
*Yawns*
It's raining.
...and I like it.
Funny that the raindrops woke me up from my nap just now. Felt like continuing sleeping..but no.
It's been raining almost everyday here. Reminds me of my favourite Thai movie, Seasons Change. I love the rain. Was sitting here yesterday, studying Bio when it rained so heavily like never before. I was questioning myself why am I trapped inside this room studying while my heart is actually so excited, I feel like running outside and start dancing in the rain.
And today all I want to do is sleep.
But alas, life is not about all you want to do.
Sometimes (or most of the time) it's about all you need to do to get what you want to do.
As one of the very few people from my class who is not going back during this study leave, I was asked to take our previous Bio test papers from our lecturer.
And as a normal curious human being, of course I took the chance to look at my classmates' marks (and despairing at mine for being the second lowest again..).
There's this bunch of guys in my class, I don't know how do they normally study, but they are always late for class, sleep in class without hiding their sleepiness, yet still get double the marks that I always obtain.
And there's this bunch of kaki jalan, kaki wayang, kaki whatever, who looks as if they never bothered to study, yet still can do way better than me.
As life in college goes on, now I fully comprehend that we all have our own strengths, something that we are good at, even without trying.
Some of us sit hours and hours trying to comprehend something that someone else can understand even without putting much effort.
Here I am, complaining that I don't even get a single thing my Chemistry book is saying, and it takes me one day to finish a chapter of Statistics, and Maths can make me cry like a mad woman by just staring at the questions, and Bio is the only thing I can bear with.
Not realising that I didn't try hard for my IELTS, yet God still blessed me abundantly with the results that I've just obtained. I never feel stressed out learning guitar on my own, yet God still blessed me with adequate skills for me to give back to Him. I have nothing to do with Thailand, yet I can effortlessly sing a Thai song for you. I can shoot a basketball into the ring. I'm not afraid of cats. I can kill cockroaches for my screaming neighbours. I can do things that some people cannot do, so why am I complaining about the things that I am never good at?
I am a champion, just like you too,
even though I still hate the fact that sometimes our effort doesn't really match the end results.
..and as usual, I find myself hating the fact that I never really utilise the time that I have to do some proper revision. 5 minutes trying to focus on something, I get distracted again.
It's so annoying that although today I managed to complete one chapter of Statistics, now I end up sitting in front of the laptop, previously thinking of doing some past year papers, and a few minutes later ending up googling about Squier Bullet Strat and start dreaming of having one.
Self-control, buddy. Self-control.
And now I'm like calculating how impossible it is to finish studying everything before the finals.
Looks like I'm planning for my own failure, I know.
Someone please just throw a brick to my face. As much as you are fed up of advising me to persevere and continue working hard, I'm fed up of myself as well. I hate myself for being so lazy, easily distracted and slow. It's a super bad combination.
Time to do something, although it looks rather too late...
We make assumptions to quickly, we get frustrated very easily. We throw out angry statements, we let our emotions deceive us. Not knowing the reasons behind certain things, certain actions that our loved ones take. Not thinking first about many possibilities of what's happening on the other side of the story, what's playing in that person's mind.
I am that kind of person.
But I am thankful that through this weakness that I have, no matter where I run to, I always seem to get the help that I need before I have to see everything as being too late to realise.
I'm sorry for making you worried, and no, I don't hate you.
You don't know how many unexpected pages there are, and how long and tough some notes are on some pages.
But you just keep revising, keep copying them, keep learning, with the thought that as long as you keep going, you're going to eventually reach the last page.
And you just know, when you finally reach that last page, you will smile and leap in joy, because by then you'll feel satisfied that you've done your part, you've prepared for the exam, you finished doing everything that you can.
Life is like revising Ethics slides.
Answering my own question about life, the future, and our uncertainties.
Oh, the disadvantages of studying without hard copy notes.
Eventhough I had risked my reputation and dignity during the emo moments, I guess the lessons that came from it made me realised that I need some tough moments to mould me into a person I would like to be in the future.
Looking matured and acting matured is cool, but tough.
Need more trials and lessons and pain, I guess.
But to be honest, I wish that I never really had to blame others or ask God why whenever times get tough. Easy to realise when life is OK, but tough to think rationally when things go wrong.
And like I said just now, need more training, I guess.
Things will get tougher after this, buddy. But remember, you're not alone. Even a rainy day can give you a beautiful time.
Two days ago I went out for dinner with one of my housemates, just the two of us. We don't normally go out to eat together nowadays, and in our hostel, we don't normally talk about serious matters. We don't share about our worries and problems. We just talk and joke around. However that evening she told me something that she has been thinking of lately.
Everything in life is so temporary. What's the meaning? We try to chase for different things, achieve a lot of things, which in the end are meaningless. What's the purpose of life?
I wasn't ready to give any answers because at this stage, I am also trying to figure out what's my purpose here. I wanted to share with her the only thing I am certain of is that I am still living and is still kept alive because God still wants to use me, but being the always-silly-and-never-serious Fee in front of my housemates, I just kept that inside.
Or probably because, in my certainty, I also keep some doubts.
I don't get it sometimes why do we worry too much about our future. I have never been this worried about my future, to be honest. I started worrying when I finished high school. Then the moment I found out that I was given a place in this college, I stopped worrying.
When I was in Form 2 my Maths teacher, Mr. Song, shared and introduced the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for the very first time in my life. Back then, I was a very optimistic teen. I was almost never shaken by the problems around me. I wasn't problem-free, I was just capable of picking myself up problem after problem. And when I say I had problems, I mean what I say, although in this place, I have to admit I've heard a lot more of bigger problems than mine. At the age of 13, I was criticised for the way I walked. I was bullied by a primary 4 kid when I was in primary 5 just because of my skin appearance. I had friends, but I never felt that I belonged to any groups. I floated around different groups of people, but there were so many moments that I was left behind walking alone back from lab. Throughout my high school years, I never felt noticed although I achieved good grades. I never made it into major competitions although I was promised to be in one a year before. I didn't hold any important posts (Being a normal prefect is so common in my school, you just need to behave well), never trusted for any big responsibilities, although I was one of those people who will walk up of stage every end of the year. I was noticed by some of my subject teachers as one of those attentive students, but never more than that. I was a silent achiever. I was living in insecurity, but no one knew. And even now, I find it hard to adapt in a place where the smart achievers here are the ones that are always in the limelight.
So when my grades were taken away from me, of course I feel the pain. I always thought that I could get my dad's attention by getting good grades. I always thought that by getting good grades, I will get a scholarship, study in another country, be like that neighbour, that second cousin, and that dude you saw in the town school magazine. Back then, I was insecure about so many things in my future, but I managed to pull through, and I have to say only God made that possible.
The future is still scary, in fact so scary now.
I cried a lot back then, but never complained. I felt dejected throughout my late secondary school years, still I don't remember myself complaining. I guess that's the difference now.
I guess now I complain too much, I don't even realise that this is just my temporary home.
Nope, I don't know anything about this singer. Just happened to listen to it one evening while I was listening to some random radio station on my phone. The lyrics just kept playing in my mind and it came back after I heard what my housemate told me.
And yeah, don't take me seriously. Just feeling a bit depressed after finishing my IELTS test and having 2 Bio reports still left undone.
What would happen if we could see our future? Would we choose to stop trying?
De-stressing again after speaking test. I don't deserve this time of "oh-I-have-nothing-to-do", but ah, viewing my albums and realising on how I've not uploaded any of the latest photos since coming back from raya break just makes me feel weird.
I will upload all of them this semester break, since it's almost the end of the semester anyway. Once you've missed one album, it's just not right to start uploading a new one. That's why I didn't upload any at all. It's like piling up a Maths homework. Once you've stopped doing one topic, you won't feel like continuing the next.
This is what I've been up to with a real camera in my hands.
Balance-the-switch game. Housemate's room.
Balance-the-switch game. My room.
Admiring the beauty of the Akasian sky at 7.08am.
Realised that waking up early on a Saturday morning is fun.
Here's an unedited picture of my (almost broken) guitar.
Took pictures of a lot of people, because it's fun especially when they
are not posing for your camera.
September ended.
October came.
There are times when I find myself in the heights of euphoria, but indeed there are also times when I fall back into the depths of agony.
But sometimes, no matter what the doubts are all about, no matter how tough this journey is, it's these kind of photographs that will somehow whisper to you that the people around you are not there for nothing. And you are here not because of nothing as well.
I still don't get why am I in this place, sometimes.
Home is just one month away. I pray that even in the struggles, I can still find joy.
De-stressing after a test paper is indeed one of the best feelings in college life. Just came back from a relaxing dinner time after a not so relaxing Bio test.
I had high hopes on Bio this time. I wanted to show improvement so that my first improvement won't look as if it was mere luck. But...ahhhh...too bad. I have to admit today's paper was tough. I expected it to be tougher than the previous one, and I was prepared to face it no matter how tough it would turn out to be.
No regrets. I did my best. I studied. I read the textbooks and understood the concepts. I did exercises. I sat on my study table like never before. I enjoyed Kreb's Cycle like dancing at a field on top of a hill with brown leaves falling from a huge tree. I didn't feel the burden in revising for this test.
That's already a huge accomplishment for me.
If I don't get what I want, it's okay. :) I can do better in my finals, and I believe as long as I continue to do my part, God is always there looking at my effort. :)
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Random updates?
I bought a red pair of shoes today muahahahaa. This is sooo not me, but a 10 bucks pair of shoes is not easy to forget, especially when your friend promoted it to you the first moment she saw you early in the morning XD Now there are 3 people in the CA committee with the same shoes but different colours hahahaha.
Nothing much to update on, but yeah, as usual, I have a lot of random things to say, but not today. Maths is waiting.
I kind of managed to deactivate my blog for almost 2 weeks, and I am indeed happy because it helped me to whine less hahahahaha.
September has been good, although there were still moments of failures. At least September taught me that I am actually capable of achieving something I could never imagine of last semester, but of course it is only achievable if and only if I do my part.
I'm still struggling with Maths/Stats and Chemistry, but the fear is less compared to last time after knowing that as long as I put extra effort, I'll soon be able to see the improvement, just like Bio. I thank God that He never gave up on me, although last month I keep on questioning my existence in this place. I still don't want my improvement in Bio to appear as mere luck, so the pressure is there to keep improving. Ahhhh.
And last night I just realised the fact that I've been clean from instant noodles for 2 months now.
Random info.
I see a crazy week ahead, in fact three crazy weeks ahead before study leave. Instead of seeing it as one whole period of torture, I guess what I will try to do is view all of these as days which I will have to venture one by one. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me, despite the fact that there'll certainly be so many days where I'll end up in dilemma. Time is so precious now, I feel super guilty whenever I stay too long on fb, hold my guitar, or sleep too much.
Motivation is still high. I love the moments when my mum calls me and ask me what I'm doing. I can answer happily that I'm studying, because most of the time, I am studying. Although I study not as much as my housemates, I know that I'm enjoying what I'm doing now.
I might still fail my Chemistry topic test, I might be falling into emo-ness again. But a little self-pity will do. The next morning I'm going to wake up and start moving forward again, I promise.
