Thank You, 2015

This is a rather weird thing to say, but 2015 has been a good year.

In fact, it is rather appropriate to say that for the first time in many years, I have felt true happiness in this year. Small, simple moments of happiness, but what's important is that I know I've been happy.

I can look back to 2012, 2013, and 2014 and fully understand why things had happened. I can think back of those days and pat myself on the back--for not giving up for real, for not ending my life, for persevering, for seeking help, and most importantly, for being able to wait despite the frequent moments of impatience. And I will continue to wait.

And I look back on those days and the faces of my friends flash through my mind, those precious people who still talk to me even until now, and I am more than thankful for being alive.

And I look at my family members, for the times I wished I wasn't born in this family, and then I realise how wrong I was, and how many other people had it worse. For that, I am also thankful.

I think back of all the strangers who gave me real life lessons this year, and I cannot stop thanking God or whatever supernatural power that made a path for me to remain in Kuching, this place that I used to call shithole, but boy this shithole is where I had the best times of my life this year. Forget Spain and all the handsome Spaniards I dream of, forget Glasgow and the desire to return to my birthplace. I've never been so thankful that I am here, in Kuching, looking at the faces of strangers on buses who taught me that this is real life and I gotta suck it up and hold my head high, because I live a life full of privilege, and I still have my choices, and I'm not the only one with a story to tell. And most importantly, this is not the end. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Thanks to all these strangers, for once, I've noticed that I've changed. I don't always notice my own changes, but I am sure of this little one that becomes bigger each day. And it made me understand why I had to go through the things that I've gone through in 2012, 2013, and 2014. Have you ever felt like crying because it feels like you've understood it all and finally a burden is lifted from your shoulders? For many weeks lately that was what exactly how I felt. 

While I'm pretty sure that Kuching doesn't need me, I am however really sure that I have a purpose here, and the purpose is not for myself. Once I understood this, everything else became clearer. I can become the change I want to witness. The little chances that I had on the bus, making little impacts on strangers, or simply practising common courtesy, made my days a lot more meaningful compared to the times when I sat in my bedroom, alone, thinking about myself and how dark my future was about to become. And I have future plans, plans to bring smiles to other people, to remind them that this life is worth living. I hope my motivation doesn't die fast. 

It is also funny that hate can turn into compassion in one year. I used to hate a lot of people and things last year. I hated my new college, some of my tutors, and I felt like I was the victim in everything that happened. But now, I can put myself in their shoes and understand why some people can be mean for no apparent reason. And instead of hating them I empathise on them for having a heart incapable of forgiveness and compassion toward others. It's not that I suddenly turn holy and become all-forgiving, but it's just that I spend more time thinking of good people and people who made my day better, so I have less time to think of all the negative people. 

You see sometimes you don't see yourself being in depression. Sometimes once you're out of it then you realise that depression is real. And music, books, the Internet, celebrities, America--they all make depression sound like something that everyone has, and sometimes people make it sound like something so cool to have, like how people on the Internet say oh, hey, see, I have depression bla bla bla. And once you're feeling sad, then you're depressed, and people misuse the word itself all the time, but how far do we realise that it is not a joke? How far do we realise that it is NOT a cool thing to have. This year, looking back, I've learnt that I was lucky to be a real coward, because if I wasn't, I guess I won't be seeing 2015. I'd be 6 feet underground and my guitar would be dusty in my bedroom and the bus driver and librarian wouldn't have someone to laugh at (they'd probably know someone else who is socially-awkward, though).

I won't be knowing that I am capable of drawing pretty decent portraits, I won't be realising that I could swim (thanks Cindy!) and drive (thanks Mr.Sim!). I won't be knowing that there's a really cool library in Kuching (shout-out to DBKU City Library!) and I'd certainly not know that reading 52 books per year (one book per week!) is actually a very possible thing to achieve. I wouldn't be knowing that I'm about to become a fan of Chicago Bulls, or Sergio Llull and Pau Gasol, and I wouldn't know that I'd be having such a great summer with a great bunch of precious friends. Also, I wouldn't actually know that I can play pretty decent fingerstyle and get some pretty okay views on YouTube. (I need to get back to fingerstyle soon!). 

See, many things can happen in a year, and with only 3 days left in 2015, I can say that I am thankful for everything that happened this year (and the year before). I am of course still worried about a lot of things like getting a job and paying back my education loans and buying a house, but a wise young man once told me to take it one day at a time, and those words are the ones that I still hold on to each day. 

I won't be saying that 2016 will be a new year with new resolutions and all those shit, but hey, I hope you readers have a happy new year. I won't be so happy because I need to study for my finals which will be right after the new year..which is..I knowwww..such a weird timing. Once I finish my finals then I guess I can celebrate my new year by getting back to my books (fiction! Not academic textbooks!) and my basketball games (videos I downloaded harharhar) or probably chill in the library for the whole day and return home with my dad as he returns from work (I love the days when I get to do this) and hopefully I'll have the motivation to learn something new on the guitar, some fancy fingerstyle arrangement, or complete my song that I'm currently writing.

Life can get pretty hard, mate, but once you cross out all of the days on your calendar, one by one, and when it comes to the last box you'd be crossing out that year, man..it's a spectacular feeling, that feeling of being alive and being able to tell the old you that hey bruh, we made it, we're alive, we proved ourselves wrong. Thank you 2015, for teaching me that life is precious, and that good people exist. You just gotta open your eyes a bit wider and learn to conquer your fears, and walk the path that sad people walk along, and maybe by doing so you learn about life a little bit more. 

Fee, the Library, and Other Short Stories

Stuffs that happened today:

I wore one of my favourite t-shirts, the Passenger shirt to class for the first time. I am not sure whether band t-shirts or t-shirts with a giant cartoon of an artiste is allowed in my college. But it was raining this morning, so I was like, hah, easy, I can just zip up my hoodie and no one will notice.

Class was short so I went to the DBKU City Library after buying six karipaps and drinking a can of Nescafe Latte. This is officially my favourite drink of the year because it makes me happy in a weird way. It is also rather obvious that I am madly obsessed with this library at the moment. Don't ask why. Wait, please ask why, and I'm going to explain anyway lol. Being in this library feels like I met an old friend, or visited my childhood home, or idk it's like the second best place to be in (after my own bedroom) and what's best is that I'm alone and free and wild happy for no real reason.

My visit to the library was planned since yesterday. I didn't want to go back home right away because I don't know what happened to many of the morning buses I always managed to hop on. There used to be like three buses in an hour a few weeks ago but yesterday I wanted for half an hour but no buses appeared. So I trusted my instincts and set a target to catch a bus at maybe 2-3pm.

And I'm planning to do this a bit more frequently in the future because I find it therapeutic in a way that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can feel that I am capable of going to my favourite places alone. Don't get me wrong, I love home, but I also love having a little bit of time exercising my confidence in front of strangers without my family members around. I talk like I have a social disorder, but it does feel like that sometimes. I notice that I shake a bit when I'm talking to people who I'm not used to talking with. It's kinda annoying when you have no control over these kind of things. I'm working on it. 

I'm also in a mad race against time because I am 3 books behind my Goodreads Reading Challenge. I knowwww it's crazy that I'm doing this, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment of reading 52 books this year. That's one book per week, heh, but some books took me one month to finish. Sitting in the library with no distractions enabled me to finish one book in 4 hours. Imagine if I stayed in the library for 24 hours..hahah. There's a crazy mindset that I have, that I should not connect my phone to the wifi or check all of my social media accounts, because I'm in a library so I should be reading (or studying, which I also did for like 20 minutes). Studying is boring. Blergh.

I entered the library at 9.30am sharp, and the best part is that this library opens at 9am, so I'm like one of the few people who came early, and I guess everyone's happy because it's like the start of the day, and one librarian said good morning to me, and the security guard also said good morning with a sincere smile, and my heart felt so warm and idk man isn't this world such a beautiful place? People who love their jobs (or attempt to love their jobs) make the world a better place. This is also one of the reasons why I love this library. It makes me question myself why the heck I didn't think of working in a library as one of my ambitions when I was younger.

I sat in silence while attempting to read John Grisham's Ford County. It is a collection of short stories so it wasn't that fun from page 1 until the end but some stories in it were so good (and some made me smile/laugh alone like a lonely, crazy person). Throughout the time I needed to finish this book it took me about 4 visits to the washroom because it was so cold (I know, TMI, but it's just peeing. Nothing to be ashamed of about peeing when you've been drinking latte and half a bottle of mineral water before sitting in a cold place). So I was like sitting down, getting up, walking out, and I gotta admit it was kinda embarrassing, but I believe that no one cares.

I also kinda took some break to check out some books on the shelves because while searching through the OPAC system I managed to find out that this library actually has dozens of Agatha Christie titles, and they have Tolkien's works as well, but so far I haven't seen any because hah, obvious reason, so many people are borrowing it and I guess it takes luck to find those books available one day. I wanted to ask weather I could make reservations, but I've bothered the same librarian I met the other day for like three times today and I don't want her to think that I'm an annoying kid so I guess that'll have to wait.

I found one book by Vonnegut and another by Neil Gaiman so yeah, that was kinda lucky of me today, so I felt that that was enough luck and I shouldn't be so greedy. Off I marched (to the same librarian, so now you know why I didn't want to bother her anymore, I don't know if anyone else thinks this way but if I was the one behind that counter I'd be "Oh, it's you again" which I guess pretty much explains why I kinda have a mad respect towards people who are still cool even after dealing with the same person for like, yknow, gazillion times in an hour.

After coming back from the trip to the washroom, it was around lunch hour and the security guard (the same woman who said good morning hours before) asked me whether I had taken my lunch ("Dah makan, dik?") and I guess I gotta polish my communication skills a bit because I knew I could've done better in answering. I could've followed John Cho's advice in that TV Show Selfie when Henry taught Eliza some important tips in these kind of situations. What happened today was I answered "Sik makan, hehe" (Not having lunch, hehe), smiled, and walked away. I could've said "Dah, akak dah?" (Yep, how about you?) which is like the ideal response but I'm so awkward and nothing I ever think of flows out so freely in my speech and actions. Heck, I finished that Dale Carnegie book only last week but it seems that I've forgotten the important stuffs I've learnt.

I finished reading Ford County and quickly returned it because I didn't want to bring it home again. Hardcover books are heavy. And expensive. A lot of risk carrying an RM80+ book around. I know, I'm kinda paranoid when I need to keep expensive stuffs that don't belong to me. Again, I went to the same librarian at the same counter. I know. I'm the champion in social akwardness. What made it worst is that she was actually working on something while discussing with another librarian and I didn't wait to hand in the book (because I needed to pee, again) so I was like, uh, should I linger, or should I walk away after saying thanks? So I lingered and waited until she scanned the barcode because again, I am a bit paranoid that what if I return the book but it doesn't get recorded in the system, and then I quickly left after it seems like the job is done. (No, I didn't repeat the same "OH, IT IS DONE?" question because I realised how weird that question is.) The problem is, I left right away after saying thanks and I almost reached the escalator (one feet was hanging, already about to step on the escalator) when they called me back, saying that I have four more books to be returned. Talking about the word "return", it can sound like "written" when I say it lazily in a very Malaysian way. Which is why I shouldn't speak lazily in a very Malaysian way. (Imagine shoving a John Grisham book in front of the counter and saying "written" it's like saying "hey look at this book I wrote this" ok I know my thoughts can be rather absurd). Back to the original story, see, this is why I always feel the need to make sure things are done before I leave any counters. Whenever I linger, I am actually supposed to leave already. Whenever I leave, I am actually supposed to wait. Why didn't they teach us these kind of skills in school. Don't tell me it's common sense. It's so hard to not feel so awkward.

I also sneakily placed a motivational bunny inside the pages of Ford County and this will be the first motivational bunny to be released into the wild. I'm hoping that it finds its way into the hands of a person who needs it. Good news is that I found the copy of KL Noir that I borrowed some weeks ago and the encouraging note that I left there was no longer to be seen when I crazily flipped through the pages this morning. It can mean two things--either the librarians checked the book and found the paper and threw it away, or yknow, someone who borrowed it after me thought that the quote encouraged him/her so s/he kept it. I hope it's the latter. I feel like that there's a fire burning in my soul. Sounds phony, I know. But it warms my heard knowing that someone at least read it. It was a quote I found on reddit, I guess I gotta share it here too: “Listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't get better. You get better,” Apparently Joan Rivers said this. Pardon my ignorance but I don't know who Joan Rivers was until I googled this quote a few seconds ago.

So the remaining time I spent in the library was kinda boring after that because I decided to make some short notes for my quiz on Monday. I covered six topics because idk man, latte? Nescafe latte is like my happiness and productivity drug.

I left the library at around 1.45pm and I gotta love my instinct today because right after I arrived at the station, it was almost 2pm and I didn't wait too long for a bus to arrive. I was just guessing that there would be a bus at 2pm. I guess I have some good guessing skills.

I sat at the wrong side of the bus. I've made poor choices in my life and this is one of them. Lesson number 1 about riding buses from town is that in the morning you gotta sit at the right side of the bus and in the afternoon you gotta sit on the left side of the bus. Simple formula will result in sitting at the shady side so you don't have to squint and cringe at the sunlight that shines directly at your face. 

I sat next to a nurse and she asked where I was heading to, and I can guess why. I think she felt sorry because I had to sit at the sunnier side of the seat next to the window while she sat at the shadier side next to the aisle. Greedy people will usually refuse to let anyone sit next to them and sit at the shadier side, so it's like they have the whole seat for themselves because the seat next to the window isn't seatable. Please pardon the usage of a non-existent word there. Back to the story of the nurse, well, she actually wanted to switch sides with me because maybe she felt sorry that I had to sit on that sunny side after sacrificing my seat to her. But she was getting off in a few more stops so I didn't see the need to switch places and stand up so frequently so I said it's OK. Then I thought eh I could've attempted to strike up a conversation with her but then I didn't, because idk, I still can't bring myself to shake off the fear to chat with strangers. I always have this feeling that I might appear creepy than friendly. 

So yeah fast forward and I am now chilling while I have about 4 assignments to be completed HAHAHAHUUU.

I 'm having some future plans about the motivational bunny thingy but I'm afraid I gotta take baby steps first. I am thinking of making proper bookmarks with encouraging notes and leaving them in the library books but I'm not sure if that's even a legal thing to do on a large scale. And I have this crazy thought of making a small box full of bookmarks and leaving them at the library counter but again I don't even know if this is allowed. Like who knows what if the library boss thinks I'm a creep if I do so but this thought has been playing in my mind a few times already. I am thinking of how to do this without a trace and without the need to ask for anyone's permission (or without being needed to answer questions) so the only way that works so far is to leave these kind of stuffs in the books that I borrow, I guess. Any steps larger than that will probably expose myself to uncomfortable situations, and let's just hope the librarians don't actually check each page after people return books to them..because gosh, that would mean that all my motivational bunnies won't reach real people but librarians instead and what if they think it's some sort of vandalism, and what if you're actually not allowed to leave foreign things in library books and ohmai this is what I hate about myself. Every time I think of doing something harmless my mind screams to me that it can be harmful. I have a pretty strong survival mechanism, I guess. Anyway, right now I don't want to overthink it and just do whatever that I think is not wrong because #YOLO. 

If you read this from sentence 1 until the end, congratulations, even Fee doesn't think that she'll be rereading all this all over again. Coffee can do wonders

5 Things I've Stopped Doing

1. Sleeping in Class

Back in those days, whenever my lecturers said "Take Five!" my automatic response was to rest my heavy head in my curled arms on the table. It didn't take long for it to become my habit, a reflex, a ritual..a thing I crave for every single time classes get boring.

Now no matter how tired I become, I fight that feeling. I get up, buy some kuihs downstairs, or have some empty chit chat with my classmates. I do so even when I'm not hungry, and even when I don't feel like talking. I forced myself at first. And now it became a habit, a reflex, a ritual..

I realise now how destructive little things can be when we accumulate them. Short "naps", too short to shake off the tiredness, are not worth it. This is one important lesson I've learnt over the past two years.

2. Sleeping Too Late

I no longer sleep at 3 or 4 am these days. I no longer do it for fun, or to revise for exams. I do procrastinate for my assignments and that sometimes results in some late night last minute work to be done, but on usual days I sleep before 12. On good days, I sleep at 10 or 11, and waking up the next morning is such a delightful thing to do. 

I realised my mistakes that I've done 2-3 years ago. I simply did not have enough sleep. And the lack of sleep can kill you. I guess there's something to do with some chemical imbalance in our brain or something, and how I wish it was easier to solve this back then. When you have limited time, of course sacrificing your sleep sounds like the only choice. But imagine not sleeping well for many months in the span of two years. Of course for some people that is too much to handle. What worked for Friend A obviously did not work for me. This is another important lesson that I've learnt, and it almost cost me my life.

3. Saying "Yes" All the Time

I say "No" a lot more these days. It's not that difficult, but it can be difficult. I'm reading a very good book right now and it taught me one important thing. We see babies and toddlers react when they don't like something. They simply refuse it. And they do anything to actually say "No" to adults. 

I'm not saying that we should act like babies. The book says this shows how much power we have over our choices. Every action that we take are 100% our own choices, even when it seems like some of our choices are influenced or forced by others. In the end, we make the decision, and that is why putting the blame on others is not a wise thing to do.

By understanding this, I can slowly let go of some of the blames that I kept in the past. I'd be lying if I say that I didn't blame others, but this point just taught me how much power and control I actually had. Although it seemed like I was trapped in a passive-aggressive persuasion, I actually had the power to say "No", but I didn't, because I wanted to please people too much. Now, to hell with pleasing people, there are many other ways to please people wisely. Now I have the courage to say "No", even when I have to lose some people in my life. In the end, when things go wrong, only those who genuinely care will stay.

4. Comparing Grades

I used to compare my grades with my friends when I was in high school. Back in Intec I also found some sense of security when people score within my range (I wasn't so brilliant in Intec, and it was hard to find friends who scored within my range lol). Now whenever exam results are announced, I actually don't give a shit to ask people, but people do ask me. Maybe as we get older, these things just don't mean a lot anymore. It's like...I don't know. My main concern now is not my grades. I just want to do well enough for me to be able to support my own life one day. Of course, I do chase for excellence. I'm a pig if I don't do so. I have this brilliant mind and I need to fully utilise it. (Haha). But I'm not like, yknow..obsessing to beat everyone and (quote Ash Ketchum) "be the very best that no one ever was". I just want to be the best version of myself and reach my own potentials, not other people's potentials. You're in some glamorous Science course? Good for you. You're an Arts student? Great, you'll leave a contribution to society too one day.

5. Thinking About My Future Career

Shit, back in high school this was all that I could think of. I must become a doctor. I must become this, I must become that. And that limited my options, narrowed my thinking, and in the end gave me a false perception that there was no way out when things got wrong.

Although I'm taking a course that people associate easily with one of the jobs in this world, I don't see myself as a person in that field one day. I actually do kind of try to imagine doing the job, but I no longer stress myself about it. I've only pledged to myself that if one day I enter this field, I will never intentionally destroy a young person's mind with negativity, hatred, and unprofessionalism. It's easy to say, but I don't want to become those who did so to me. I want to become that lecturer who called my name to participate in class because I never participated. I want to become that teacher who told me good things and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

Most important of all, if I am destined to not end up in this field, I want to be able to open up my mind to various possibilities in life and try to find many other ways to contribute to society. Did I tell some of you what was one of the most painful lessons I learnt when no universities wanted to accept me after my Intec chapter?

It was very painful to feel like you have no role in life and in your society. I sound like a phony for saying this, but I'm being very honest here. I felt so sad of the possibility that I might become a parasite for life, and that made me so miserable. I wanted to go out and face the world and give back something to someone, but I had nothing, my energy was all drained out, and my shame was so huge I couldn't even face myself at that time. That was when I started doing handmade birthday cards for some (very few) friends, and left anonymous comments on some suicidal people's blogs although at that time I was pretty much suicidal. It shows how much that in this world we all want to contribute to society. It's just sometimes some of us don't know what to do to get those chances. Looking back, I wish I spent those times to do some volunteering, but looking back again, I didn't do so because of the reasons also stated above.

One of the life-changing things a friend said to me during my days of depression was something about "taking things one day at a time." It's a very straightforward message but when my mind was clouded with so many worries and the thought that death was more appealing, I never thought of this at all. I owe a very huge thanks to that friend, and I don't think they knew that it saved my life. Even until now, whenever I feel too worried, I keep these words close to my heart. I don't want to think about what will happen in 10 years. I just want to be able to get through this day and that's already OK.

_______________________________

You might be thinking why on earth am I blogging about this at this time. It's the first of December and 2015 is ending soon. I find it important that I should learn from my failures and write about some very important things I've learnt from it, so that at least I don't walk away empty handed from this experience. It's not that I am dwelling in my past failure; I no longer see it as something so shitty, but how delightful it is that maybe 8 our of 10 times when bad things happen, I see this failure as a motivator instead of a reminder of my Failure (with a capital letter F).

The news about a teen suicide which recently happened also triggered me to think back about those old days. It saddens me that in our country there are so many misconceptions about this matter. Judging from hundreds of Facebook comments that I've read, it's just so saddening that most people do not attempt to understand at all. And what makes it sadder that some negative comments are from educators, parents, people who actually graduated from universities, people who think that they know it all. They will never understand it, not until they are standing on that ledge. Or you know, just don't say anything negative if you don't really know anything about the matter.

Time for me to do some last minute assignments again. 

Hope you guys have a wonderful December.