Thankful

I survived 2 weeks of study leave + 7 weeks of exams.

These 9 weeks were the most critical weeks of my life so far. Dramatic, yeah, but honestly, I'll tell you a secret. These 9 weeks really meant a lot to me. Even if I don't make it well at the end of this journey, I have a lot of things to thank God for, and these are the things I am thankful for throughout this 9 weeks.

(I may miss out a few things, or perhaps a lot, because I believe there are so many things to be thankful for).

1. I got the help that I needed in my studies.

2. I began to think optimistically.

3. I did not shed a single tear of fear throughout these 9 weeks.

4. God took care of my health.

5. God took care of my safety.

6. Nothing big and bad happening throughout exam time.

7. I had friends to eat with, to talk to, to support and encourage one another.

8. I enjoyed basketball and studies equally.

9. I had enough sleep (perhaps more than enough..)

10. I never felt this peaceful in Akasia, as in having this unexplainable peace..like..zero depression?

Throughout my 2 years living here, there were days (many days) where I stared blankly on my Maths book, trying to understand the questions, but in the end give up and break down in disappointment. I was afraid it was going to happen during this exam season. Because when it happens, I know myself. It's very had for me to get up again. And because that didn't happen, I am very thankful, even if, even if things won't turn out the way I expect it to be.

God, it's all now in Your hands. I've done my part, and my prayer is simple. In two months time, I don't want to have any regrets.

Rawrgh

I can say this a thousand times.

Whatever happens to me in the future, I am NOT going to do Chemistry or Maths/Stats. I can do Biology until the day I die, though. And I'm serious. 

Brain says: Go CRYYY.

Other part of brain says: NOT TODAYYY. 

Just have to persevere for one more day, then it's over. Well not over as in...completely over. Still have to bear the consequences in about two months time. So I guess by then I'll have plenty of time to entertain my emotions. Right now it's like...

Emotions?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Midnight Musings #2

Fourteenth June. Oh time flies. 

I was sitting here last night, thinking about how I wish all of these will never have to end. It came into my mind, that scary thought of how separations can be forever. As a person who can feel too nostalgic at times, I find it hard to think of the future and how things are going to eventually change.

I look at the photo of my class on the wall, and ask myself will I be able to stand in that group for another picture in the future? Or is July going to be the last month I'm going to see them, perhaps for the last time in my life as well? My classmates for two years, some I found annoying at first, but now, the opposite. The lecturers who inspired and helped me, will I have the chance to thank them? Or will everything be merely a phase that will pass by, forgotten?

My calendar is full of crosses, marking the last few weeks I'm going to be in this place.

I am left with three final chances to do whatever I can to balance off the marks of my other unit papers, which will determine my future. 

I did some revision on Integration, one of the topics I dread the most, and Miss Lee's reaction a few months ago made me smile alone.

"Oh God, you can't even differentiate!" (She was referring to differentiation, that Maths topic).

How I wish I can run to her office now, telling her that differentiation didn't give me a huge problem in my previous unit paper. It is Integration that scares me more.

As much as I hate how stupid I was for giving up so early last time, I am actually truly grateful that since last April, I've been improving so much. I can't prove my own words, but all of these made me regret for the moments I felt hopeless about myself. If only I didn't give up, if only I had the confidence earlier, things would've been different.

Yet I believe that there's a reason for everything that has happened.

Last April Mr. William asked what happened to me in the previous semesters.

I said I thought everything would be too late for me to fix the situation I was in, and perhaps I won't be able to make it after all. But then, I woke up, as in woke up, realising that I still had the chance to change things.

He asked me what made me realise about that?

And I said I was tired of being depressed. Tired of giving up. And to be very honest, I was very tired.

I was so tired sitting in class with the eagerness to participate, but not being able to do so due to my lack of understanding in all of the subjects. I was tired of doing badly in topic tests, which eventually gave me no hope for end of semester exams. I was tired of failing to copy the notes before the lecturers switched to the next slides. I was tired of sitting in that corner of the class, being nobody.

Now that I let go all of my fears, I can see clearly on how being depressed had drained out so much of my spirit and enthusiasm. Do I regret for being such a fool? Yes. But looking back, there wasn't a thing that I could've done back then to help myself. I was trying to grow up. I didn't do well. But I certainly didn't walk away empty-handed.

With the remaining days I have, I just want to make this final episode in Shah Alam a life lesson worth remembering and sharing, because I know the pain of having a loser perspective, and I wouldn't want to see another kid living like how I used to be in my first three semesters here.

INTEC really gave me a lesson I will certainly remember until the day I die, no matter where my future leads me to, and no matter what kind of adult I will turn out to be in years to come.

Alright, time to get back to Maths..

Garg

Garg is supposed to sound like those crows in Akasia.

Anyway..

I just crossed out tomorrow's date (and paper) from my handmade calendar on the wall, and exclaimed garg! coz it was obviously a mistake. 

My mind is so disoriented I don't even know am I supposed to laugh or cry, or do both. If I have no paper tomorrow, I would've already shoot balls outside. I mean, shoot basketballs. Or shoot ONE basketball, repeatedly. Whatever.

Before my paper started I was left with a question which required me to make a decision, and I'm obviously bad in making decisions, probably because of a faulty frontal lobe. So brain asked brain "Hey brain, what do you think I should do?"

And then brain froze.

Brain needs to unfreeze.

BRAIN, WHY YOU LIKE TO THINK TOO MUCH??

Goodbye AS

Some farewells happen without any goodbyes.

I was thinking of that line last night. Thinking of writing a song. But I don't have my guitar, so I guess I need to wait for one more month.

Anyway, back to the topic, my AS papers are officially over - which means I'm more than halfway through everything. It is indeed a remarkable achievement, regardless of the outcome, I'm thankful that I've pulled through this far.

One of my lecturers told me that luck plays its role in exams.

It's hard to agree or disagree, but the statement that followed sounded like this,

"If you did well before this, it's not a reason to be proud. If you didn't do well, don't get discouraged."

And one of my classmates just told me that as long as we do our best, everything's going to be fine.

Remarkable how words can inject the courage in us. 

I sound as if I'm contradicting my own statements in my previous entries, but yeah, that just happens sometimes. Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful for having friends and lecturers who have been there once to encourage me. They don't have to be there all the time. That's life. I realise the truth that some people will only be in your life for a season and there's an obvious reason behind that. We grow. We learn, then move on.

Before I get philosophical, now I declare it's time to get ready for basketball, then dinner, then revision.

June

Hunger struck me as I (almost) completed my marathon of 160 Chemistry objective questions.

Of course, when hunger strikes at night, I won't think of biscuits or bread.

It's always those kind of meaty, oily, crunchy, salty stuff which will end up in my mind.

Upon seeing my final packet of instant noodle which has been lying inside the plastic bag for at least two months, I shallowed hard, weighing the pros and cons of having instant noodles two days before a Bio paper that I would dream to ace.

Not that I'm not eating preservative-rich food at all..but somehow what my dad always reminds me makes me scared that my already-not-so-stable state of intelligence will be further affected. 

Then..my eyes landed on that cylindrical air-tight container which has been remained untouched..for probably half a semester. Chocolate-flavoured milk powder. Nestum. And good old oat. Yucks. Of course when I first bought them it was the starting of the semester, and there was this weird determination of eating healthy stuff. But as time goes by, well..I get tired of healthy food.

Tonight apparently there are no other options, unless I want to change into track pants and put on my jacket, march towards the burger stall and wait for 5 minutes or so.

So I poured three tablespoons of honey into the mug containing boiling water and nestum, and suddenly remembered about that small carton of milk-flavoured-milk (again, half a semester untouched) and decided to mix it in, because chocolate-flavoured milk plus honey is beyond my willingness to swallow.

Smells good.

Whatever happens to me in a few more hours, I shall bear full responsibility.

This is lame, but somehow I love how 'interesting' life can be during the moments of desperation (a.k.a exam season). I will miss this way of life when everything will be finally over in less than a month. Well hello June. Nice to meet you.

My Weakness

I thought I've learnt my lesson, but the truth is, I only discovered how feeble I am, and how pathetic my expectations and actions are since I stepped into college.

I never believed in seeking help from others when I was in secondary school. I thought that relying on someone is not a good thing to do. Not until I entered this college..when every word thrown towards me, every action portrayed, really did matter to me. I even allowed it to be a measurement for the worth of my existence here. And that was my huge mistake, a very huge one that haunts me till this day.

I knew where did everything went wrong.

I always loved attention, I admit. I lack that in this college. When my grades deteriorated, I began to cry in silence for help, but like what I always say, the adults in this cruel little town don't give a damn. This is college, they say. Buck up, they say. Either way that I've chosen, yes I've chosen both ways, I started to see how and why I shouldn't have taken those choices.

For three semesters I've chosen silence and anger.

Thirteen days before my real final exams, I've chosen to have courage and seek help.

What did I get for the past three semesters of silence? Bitterness. The sense of worthlessness. Anger. Emptiness.

When I searched for help and put aside my shame and fear?

I received a mixture of things.

I received words that encouraged me. I received help that I needed. I began to see my dreams once again, and have the desire to chase it. But I made a mistake. I placed my hopes too high on human, and to tell you the truth, when the very same person who told you "you can do it" can no longer be there to tell you the same thing, the previous statement can become meaningless.

I was wrong in so many ways, to have been too dependent on others to point out my strengths for me, because in the end, the cycle will repeat, and I will have to say to myself, "I guess it's just you and me, buddy. Just you and me."

Three more weeks to go before everything ends, I can say that every grown-up in Shah Alam gave up on me. Not a single one sincerely tried to help me till the end. Pathetic right? I'm 20 years old, but I sense inside me there's this kid screaming for a grown-up to tell me I will make it and I am not a hopeless person. 

In the end, I just see it this way, it is my weakness - to think too nicely about something, that would in the end cause me to float for help once again. No one cared in the first place. It was just me who hoped too much.

*Sorry for some mild cursing. Not depressed..just trying to put my thoughts into words that I can read back in the future.

End of..Week 2

More challenging weeks ahead.

The days are indeed more interesting when something is coming towards its end. The weather has started to get breezy again, nights are still filled with mosquitoes, there are moments of lame jokes, sometimes boredom strikes, yet I have to admit this month is unique in its own way.

Week 2 of exams has officially ended, and my prayer before sitting for a certain paper is always the same. I just want to get out of that hall without any regrets. Keeping myself happy is my major concern at this moment.

For that very reason, it's good to have extra large meals after a paper, then go to have a super long nap before resuming to..of course, revising.

Teacher's day had passed (and Mother's day too..sorry for not making any entries about this) and yesterday I took the chance to thank some teachers in secondary school, which made me realise that showing appreciation when you no longer see that person is far easier to do. And of course, conveying them in written messages are way easier that speaking them out. I wanted to wish some lecturers as well..but I guess it's not the usual stuff people do in college. To be honest, there are some lecturers who I really want to thank from the bottom of my heart, and I promise if I make it for A-Levels, a text message is surely going to land in their inbox.

So yeah, life goes on (almost) like normal..

And random stats of the day: Officially four weeks without guitar. Six days without basketball. Guitar I don't mind, for I'll still have the chance to play when I get back home. Basketball..this court next to my hostel block is the best I ever had in my life. I won't have a single chance to play in Kuching.

Exams, Basketball...and Reflections

Describe this month in two words.

Easy.

Exam. And basketball.

While it's pretty sad to witness the disappearance of calluses on my left fingertips, I've been discovering a new hobby which might as well turn into my new passion. Basketball.

Not that it's so new to me, but before this I always felt obligated to do other stuffs rather than to go out and play. However since I no longer have my guitar with me (last time I held a friend's guitar was more than three weeks ago), I'm finding another way to make myself happy. Come on, I'm tired of being depressed all the time.

In 2011, when I first joined an official basketball match (for INPRO), I couldn't even make a free throw.  (I was just a substitute by the way..) And despite learning how to dribble a basketball at an early age, I only got the chance to meet again with a basketball hoop when I was in Form 5.

Just a few days ago, I discovered that I can shoot the ball into the hoop from the foul line without even having to jump. That was something impossible, months ago. Haha. And when I attempted a three-pointer, I managed to get at least two in. Oh the joy of having to see some progress..

...which applies to studies as well. I no longer see Stats like chicken liver, so hard to chew and swallow. I no longer call myself a loser, and I never will again.

This month is so beautiful in its own way. It's sunny and windy almost everyday. 

No matter where I end up in the future, I have to admit, I cannot erase these last few moments in INTEC from my memories. 

On Hiatus

Hello readersss (echoes..)!

I just came back from an awesome three-hour new discovery of Calvin Cycle and other short stories (Yays!) thanks to my very helpful lecturer and it (the whole motivation slash post-mortem slash tutoring session) made me realise that it's time to get serious (not that I never realised..) and I'm not as stupid as I thought I was/am. (Go ahead, laugh).

I've been realising that talking too much and not proving anything is such a crappy thing to do, so I'm posting this stuff today, although honestly I've been thinking about it for so long. 

Will be coming back when I feel like coming back and of course, I'm trying to keep my life as normal as possible during this coming two-month period. Friends, Facebook and basketball are still in the picture. I just want to make this last few months in this place memorable and worth of remembering, that's all.

And of course, I want to fly, and I believe I can fly.

OHHH WHYY

Then I see it's been raining, that's why.

If you get what I mean..

Waking up from a two-hour nap (to be precise, 1 hour and 45 minutes nap) filled with...

..regret.

Ohhh why. I will pay back those precious two hours. I promise. By doing Maths.

Or probably it's because of doing Maths for the whole morning & noon, I fell into unconscious state for two hours. Talk about a brain that's not trained enough to endure Maths (#excuses).

Anyway it's been a fruitful morning, so I'll make sure it'll be a fruitful day as well. :) Although I'm sad I can't play basketball today...

45 Days To Go

..45 days to go before my first A-Level exam paper.

Blogging? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Don't play play with me when I'm serious. I sacrificed my guitar for a month. It's not difficult to sacrifice anything else. 

I remember those who told me I can't, those who looked me in the eyes and doubted my capabilities, those who talked to me as if I never tried.

Now's not the time for me to think of them.

Express my feelings? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

12M8

Took me almost two years to finally realise that I'm actually in a great class, surrounded by amazing people.

I'm actually grateful that I ended up in this class, this program, and not other classes instead. At least now I can say that I'm happy to be part of 12M8.

Not that I'm dying or what, but it's sometimes nice to ponder that one day we'll all go separate ways and become strangers to each other once again.

Till then, it's moments like these which I shall appreciate and smile at.

P/S: Holidays have just started. Bio test was terrible. I'm in the mood of preparing for trials. Oh yeah.

Hate

I hate doing Stats more than I hate eating chicken liver. And chicken liver is like the worst food ever although it smells good if my mum cooks it.

Been slacking off this weekend. I thought I wanted to stop blogging, deactivate Facebook, abandon YouTube account. It ain't easy man.

Now that I'm stuck while doing my Stats, I just realised that I haven't learnt my lesson after all. How am I going to face my trial exams? And getting into this thought kinda drags me away from happiness, which is such an annoying feeling.

In the end there's no one to blame, I chose this path, so it's me who'll have to swallow all the bitterness. 

Matured huh? You got it wrong. I never learn my lessons, although it sometimes appear that way.

Someone gimme a chicken liver right now. Arghh.

ARGGHHH ARGHHH ARGGGHHHH

One thing about Bio this semester is that it doesn't let you heal or mourn over your past mistakes. After all the emoness, there's yet another test. And another. And another. I might become habituated to failure of answering the questions.

And oh, looks like Thursday ain't a holiday after all. Yayyyy.

Thirty-seven, One Hundred

37 days.  And exactly 100 days.

Only one hope.

To stay alive till the very end. 

To be able to look at the sky and be grateful that my heart is still beating. To laugh along with my friends, to cry whenever I need to. To shoot the basketball into the hoop like a champion. To enjoy the midnight breeze, every single midnight. To be thankful, that I'm in an arena of champions, because I'm one of them in the first place. To experience every single emotion. Anger. Doubt. Pain. Regret. Joy. Because they're there for a reason. 

I won't wait for luck.

One day I'm pretty sure I'll be able to look back and see how these dots connect.

Till then, you can be well assured that I'm doing my part.

"ล้มลงแล้ว ก็ไม่แคล้ว สิ่งหนึ่งคือฉันไม่ยอมแพ้" - วัดใจ, Silly Fools.