Whispers

It's hard to find the reason

when all you have is doubts.

Hard to see inside yourself

when you can't see a way out.

Hard to find an answer

when a question won't come out.

Oh everyone's filling me up with noise,

I don't know what they're talking about.

You see all I need is a whisper 

in a world that only shouts.

Oh Mike Rosenberg a.k.a Passenger really writes beautiful lyrics. He is most probably the only artiste that I would love to ask to sign my guitar. 

Drama

Here we go again.

Oh dear. I don't even know what I'm still looking for. Sheesh I miss being so young and innocent and bitchy. But sometimes I feel this emptiness revisiting me again and again, although I have so many things and time to do whatever I love. 

I am so ashamed of typing this out hahah. I promised not to be like the previous version of me. Y'know, like, "Heyyy Fee how's it going?" and then I answer: "Oh nooo my life suckssss I just wanna vanishhh." You see, my age no longer permits me to do so. I'm going reach adulthood for goodness sake. I can't complain like a teenager. But I want to. I really really want to. But there's a voice inside my head telling me not to do so. 

I don't want to be the slave of my emotions, but I'm trapped in between expressing my feelings and keeping things to myself. 

In other words, I feel so emo.

I feel so emo but I'm so ashamed to say it because I don't want people to sympathise on me like always. I fear I'll be accustomed to receiving sympathy to the point that I can't even help myself to help myself. It sounds so darn egoistic (ohkay this might not be the right word), but there's nothing good when you find yourself needing someone to help paddle your boat out of your problems all the time. 

I yearn for the day when I can finally love myself and stop seeing myself the way I see myself since I-don't-know-when. I hate not being able to master the art of not giving a damn.

Anyway in case that my never-ending drama makes you annoyed, I'm so sorry.

This is just too awkward.

Taa daaa. All these while I was acting macho. I'm still having corny and mushy thoughts. Sometimes I just want to pop up and say how I miss so many people, but it might sound so terribly awkward.

To summarise, I think I haven't changed much. I just acted as if I did. And I'm acting as if I don't care while the truth is, man, I have so many things to say. I want to speak. I want to speak English again. I want to laugh with friends, not laugh while watching sitcoms alone (#foreveralone). I want to go to CA practice session, not play guitar alone without any purpose. 

There are times I love being alone, in fact I always love being alone. But these times remind me the goodness of having constant company, and I really miss being part of something because trust me, all my life, I never had much chances to be in one that I truly love, surrounded by friends who I still miss.

I can't just say "I miss you *insert heart shape*" to everyone unless they've seen a lot of my lameness but yeah, that's all I want to do so badly right now.

I've changed topic but who cares, I'm pretty much drama-ing from the start to the end.

Rain

Just one day after receiving a phone call from my Ethics lecturer (yes..I thought I needed to point out the fact that she's a she, and she taught me in my second semester, in a combined class, and she remembered me for I-don't-know-why, because she never really ever crossed my mind), I'm in this depths of agony once again despite the clear reminder of not to give up at this early stage.

I mean, man, what kind of human being can wait in silence without having the slightest idea on when a news is going to finally break, and whether that news will be good, or not as imagined. 

I seriously learnt to become patient during the past two years. I mean the waiting kind of patient. Literally, not metaphorically. Like waiting for food, or in a bank, or in a post office, or airport. Waiting for something that you can see is of course a thousand times easier than waiting for an abstract thing, a thing that will determine your future, and you don't even know what's going on in the other side of the story, the side that can't be seen, the side where you actually can't do anything else but wait.

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

Or just please don't ever come again in my life.

From Me, to All of You

This song still brings tears to my eyes. I hate goodbyes. Because all my life, I never had friends who grew up together with me, still walking hand-in-hand in every stage of my life. It was always distance that grew us apart.

Tomorrow my UCD friends will be leaving. Then those to Ukrida. Then Manipal. Then RCSI. 

But no matter what, I tell myself that perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. It will take time for me to stop thinking that we're scattered all over the globe, and above all, this song really tells what my heart has to say to each of them, who made my past two years a time worth remembering.

วันวานวันที่แสนเหนื่อย เรานั่นเคยทุกข์ทนด้วยกัน 

Wan waan wan tee saen neuay Rao nan keui took ton duay gan. 

Yesterdays…were extremely tiring days. We had endured hardship together. 

มีน้ำตาและมีรอยยิ้มเดียวกัน 

Mee nam data lae mee roy yim dieow gan 

There were tears and also smiles. 

เราเคยกอดคอร้องไห้ มีมากมายที่เราพลาดไป 

Rao keui got ko rong-hai Mee maak maai tee rao plaad bpai 

We have cried on each others’ shoulders. There were a lot of mistakes that we’ve made. 

อยากตามฝันแต่ไม่รู้ว่าอยู่ตรงไหน 

Yaak dtaam fan dtae mai roo waa yoo dtrong nai 

We desire to follow our dreams, but we don’t know where they are. 

*แต่ใจเรารู้ ว่าเราเกิดมาเพื่อลำบาก 

Dtae jai rao roo Waa rao gert maa puea lam-baak 

But in our hearts, we know that we were born into hardship. 

อยากเป็นดั่งฝันต้องสู้ไป 

Yaak bpen dang fan dtong su pai 

If we want to live out our dreams, we must fight on. 

จากกันวันนี้ ขอให้เราเป็นเหมือนดังเก่า 

Jaak gan wan nee Kor hai rao bpen meuan dang gao 

If we separate today, please let us be the same like in the past. 

เก็บความฝันเราเก็บเอาไว้ 

Gep kwaam fan rao gep ao wai 

Keep our dreams, don’t lose them. 

**โชคดี เพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืม วันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่ เพื่อนเอย 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. 

โชคดีเพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืมวันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่เพื่อนเอย (เพื่อนเอย.....) 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui (Peuan eui..) 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. (My friend…) 

วันวานหากยอมแพ้พ่าย ความหวังเราก็คงสิ้นไป 

Wan waan hahk yorm pae paai Kwahm wang rao gor kong sin bpai 

Yesterday, if we gave up, our hopes might end as well. 

หมดความหวังและชีวิตคงหมดความหมาย

Moht kwahm wang, lae cheewit kong moht kwahm maai 

Without hope, our lives would become meaningless. 

 ______________________________ 

Back in a few years ago, I thought I could dedicate this to my friends in high school. But now, I realise we never really had extremely tiring days. We never endured hardship together. We never cried on each others' shoulders. 

So this one, this time, I dedicate to you guys who have allowed me to cry on your shoulders for so many times.

Positive

Story of my life summarised into eight screenshots from My Boss My Hero.

Hate

I hate doing Stats more than I hate eating chicken liver. And chicken liver is like the worst food ever although it smells good if my mum cooks it.

Been slacking off this weekend. I thought I wanted to stop blogging, deactivate Facebook, abandon YouTube account. It ain't easy man.

Now that I'm stuck while doing my Stats, I just realised that I haven't learnt my lesson after all. How am I going to face my trial exams? And getting into this thought kinda drags me away from happiness, which is such an annoying feeling.

In the end there's no one to blame, I chose this path, so it's me who'll have to swallow all the bitterness. 

Matured huh? You got it wrong. I never learn my lessons, although it sometimes appear that way.

Someone gimme a chicken liver right now. Arghh.

ARGGHHH ARGHHH ARGGGHHHH

One thing about Bio this semester is that it doesn't let you heal or mourn over your past mistakes. After all the emoness, there's yet another test. And another. And another. I might become habituated to failure of answering the questions.

And oh, looks like Thursday ain't a holiday after all. Yayyyy.

Silence

Silence

30th Nov 2012

Verse 1

An empty playground with a broken swing

A tiny room with a fan spinning

A thousand faces on the wall smiling

and the clock is ticking

(Ohkay, that's a super lame verse to begin with...)

Verse 2

Watching the sunset with a broken guitar in your hand

Scribbling a paper, with the things you can't stand

Maybe your silence is a sign of moving on

Perhaps silence is about staying strong

Pre-chorus 1

What if silence is a screaming child

Sometimes in silence you sing for a while

because that is when you start to smile

When you know that you need to keep walking another mile

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

Verse 3

Singing songs that everyone sings

Realising there's not much time left to say out the things

that you never really wanted to hide

'cause your words might force you to swallow your pride

Pre-chorus 2

What if silence is a kid in hunger?

Or a group of people living in anger?

Broken families, and enemies

What if silence is what it takes to have peace

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

________________________________________________________________

I'm recording this. Because it's not a song about crushes or memories or friendship.

It's a song about fighting battles when everything seems so distant.

Oh wait, that sounds emo. 

Haha.

Money

I hate to grumble about money, but this is exploding inside me.

Sent a picture of my damaged guitar to a local music store exactly one year after purchasing it (not from the same shop). I asked how much would it cost to fix the damage. The answer was not so shocking, but definitely something I wouldn't want to hear, (a) because it's almost the same price with the guitar itself, and (b) I wouldn't want to spend that amount of money on something I'm not very sure of.

Approximate cost will be RM 150. Very affordable for most of us. You see, sometimes our biggest lie is that we keep on saying we don't have money. But that biggest lie is somehow, sometimes true.

I have a piggy bank that I kept since Form 1. But I  just can't bring myself to spend something that I had thriftily saved day by day, week by week from my daily pocket money which I almost never touched when I was in my early secondary school days. I hate college. (a) because it took away my true self, the one that knew I shouldn't be spending like a rich kid and (b) because I spent money more than I study during these past one and a half year I've been away from home.

I'm not crazy for money, no I'm not. 

I pretty much know as well that even when you have tonnes of money, you're not necessarily happy. But my personal opinion on how money can buy happiness has never ever changed, to be honest.

You have money, you get to eat. You get to buy stuffs. 

I know it sounds (very) immature.

As for my guitar, I don't know. Never had enough to bring one into the house in the first place anyway.

It was just me who always wanted one because it makes me happy. And I got my second one because the first one was barely playable. That was after four years of patience, and those who heard the story about it knows how did I eventually got one. I stole it. Just kidding. And the third because I needed a travel guitar which is durable/small/light enough to be stuffed into the overhead compartment of an airplane.

Quoting from a song by Silly Fools,
"It's hard when nothing is ever enough"

Well. That's kinda true. Especially when it comes to money matters.

"You even need money to enter a toilet", that's what someone mentioned to me not long ago.

Rights and Wrongs

A few months ago, our English lecturer asked the whole class to stand up one by one and state our principles in life.

I love talking about abstract things.

Our principles. Our attitudes. The way we see things.

Back in a few years ago, my circle of friends wasn't that wide. I never got to know my friends' backgrounds. How they were raised. What happened during their childhood. Who did they mix with the most. How they handle life.

As much as I hate college life, well I have to admit it does teach me a thing or two.

Our principles. Our attitudes. They way we see things. The way we handle situations.

They don't just come overnight. 

It's a long story. Twisting and turning, sometimes it sounds like a fairytale, sometimes a drama. Sometimes it's tragedy. They say the past should remain in the past, but the truth is you can never leave what has shaped you into who you are today.

Some of us might not understand why certain people behave in certain ways. Why some people dwell in anger. Why we choose to act in different ways. Why we despair in things which look so trivial in the eyes of others. Our experiences differ, maybe that's why.

For human beings to understand each other is no simple task. Sometimes I don't understand myself as well.

It's easy to blame others. It's easy to fall into self-pity. 

But when you start to see too much blaming around you, too much finger-pointing, too much selfishness, too much anger, what will you do? 

Our experiences, our upbringing, well, sometimes they are similar in a few aspects.

But it's still possible for different people take the same things differently.

Everyone screams. We all do. But most of the time, we don't scream in the same way. 

Some scream in silence.

No..vem..berrrr

It's hard to not post about emo stuffs.

Been one week since the start of November, and this is the rarest moments where you see me not blogging for days. I was too lazy to talk to myself and show it to the whole world. Well I guess that's good.

C4 was bad. I never love Maths, but as I look back, if anything happens to my results for Maths this time, I'm not going to say I didn't study. Because I did. I studied more than last sem. And it was torturing. I don't know how to teach myself Maths, so I had to watch videos. I thought it was better than weeping like a mad woman, staring at the textbooks and exercises without eventually gaining anything. I somehow think it's useful, but it doesn't help much when you're on your headphones for 4 continuous hours. Again, it was a torture. The voice of that guy explaining the lessons in the video kept on ringing in my head.

And the moment the lecturer said times up, put down your pen, that was one of the biggest relief I had. Because I've been waiting for that moment. I've been battling with my own voice, seeming to be rebelling and shouting "whennn is this going to enddddd?"

All I want to do now is to get myself back in my own bedroom and have my own time and space. I mean my own bedroom. The one with the Santa Cruz. The one where I can lay on the cold floor while reading my novels. The one where I can sit and listen to pigeons, not crows. The one which I can treat like my jam studio. 

Out of all the things I miss, I miss being myself. I miss being crazy. I miss the moments when I can just act as if I don't care.

First Day of Finals

I just think today's quite funny.

Woke up feeling perfectly fine but later three hours of Statistics exam in a super cold small classroom caused me to get a terrible flu which is so annoying. Almost cried while answering the paper. Felt so sad and hungry I took a large pile of rice for lunch and yeah, dozed off in the library before Bio. Finished one packet of tissue paper provided by very generous housemate during Bio. Walked out of the exam hall in the heavy rain. Got my new pair of shoes wet. But entered the house with a large grin..

..plus a pocketful of tissue papers containing mucus.

Stats killed me, Bio made me come back alive. To those who are concern, yeah it's been a bad bad start especially for Stats, which I pretty much know how the end result will be.

Still alive, still going to carry on.

So what. It's not that I didn't study.

Time to study for the next Bio paper, with the hope that the flu medicine won't make me fall asleep.

So what. I'm still alive.

AAAAAaaaaa

AaAAAAAaahhh I feel so stressed I just want to sing aloud right now.

But my room mate is here, studying.

Singing in the bathroom lagilah cannot. Echo man, Echo.

Back in home, the home is always mine. Can sing wherever, whenever I want.

Aaaaaaaa.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Study leave is almost coming to its end...

..and as usual, I find myself hating the fact that I never really utilise the time that I have to do some proper revision. 5 minutes trying to focus on something, I get distracted again.

It's so annoying that although today I managed to complete one chapter of Statistics, now I end up sitting in front of the laptop, previously thinking of doing some past year papers, and a few minutes later ending up googling about Squier Bullet Strat and start dreaming of having one.

Self-control, buddy. Self-control.

And now I'm like calculating how impossible it is to finish studying everything before the finals.

Looks like I'm planning for my own failure, I know.

Someone please just throw a brick to my face. As much as you are fed up of advising me to persevere and continue working hard, I'm fed up of myself as well. I hate myself for being so lazy, easily distracted and slow. It's a super bad combination.

Time to do something, although it looks rather too late...