Om nom nom

That awkward moment when you've just realised that you boiled an egg one hour ago :D

and that's one obvious reason they don't allow students to cook in hostel.

Now I have a super hard-boiled egg, no, actually I've already finished everything up a millisecond ago. Mashed  it and mixed it with crushed cream crackers, added a little bit of soy sauce and pepper - wahhh I feel like I'm at home. The perasan moment of the day, thinking that I am one great chef.

It would taste better if I had mayonnaise :/

but it's ok, at least I managed to avoid instant noodles...

Midnight Breeze (Original)

In a good mood to upload this. Haha.

Don't get me wrong. I'm here, sitting alone at almost 3am because I have a Bio report to be done and trillions of books to be flipped through before my finals next Monday.

..but yeah..somehow..I ended up taking a short break. Just a short break.

Enjoy my lullaby ;)

It Was a Mistake

I shouldn't have jumped into conclusions.

Learnt my lesson.

Forgive me.

Zombie

Not sure if I'm lacking sleep

...or I had too much sleep.

Study leave.

The week that kills all your spirit and self-identity.

The week that multiplies your confusion.

The week when nights become your days and days become your nights.

I don't know what I'm talking about T_T

Head-banging Week

I seriously felt like banging my head on the wall. And I still do feel the same now.

People keep on mentioning the clichés like "be yourself" and bla bla bla but how far do we mean it? One obvious thing is that when people become themselves, criticisms do arise. People need to seriously stop saying what they don't mean.  

I do understand that in this world, we cannot please everyone, and we are not supposed to wake up every morning thinking of the fact that we need to please someone. But sadly, I do so sometimes. It's tough when you try to please people and not let people down, when you yourself are suffering, and only God knows how much pain you're facing.

We don't listen to each other. That's the problem.

We think people can handle things like we do. That's the problem.

Come on, sometimes, we are not being realistic.

Try walking in someone else's shoes. Not everyone is capable of doing certain things, even when that person is willing to. 

You don't have to agree with me, but I'm still refusing to do things out of unwillingness. 

______________________________

I haven't even begun talking about studies in the previous paragraphs. If I touch about studies and how crazy this study week is, I'm sure I'll sound more emo than ever.

So basically, to sum everything up, I have to say that I'm currently in a mess. I'm getting frustrated about people, books, food, and basically everything.

But I know this is just a portion of what I've encountered before, so I'm confident that by God's grace, it's going to be fine anyway. Sometimes I just need to stop being too harsh on myself.

People can never understand people. 

Midnight Breeze

Midnight Breeze

[Chorus]
It was that midnight breeze
that showed me how You love me
It was that darkness
which told me to seek You even dearly
and as I see the lightning coming
all the trees are waving
The smell of the laundry
At the balcony
and this moment of discovery
Just swept away my agony

[Verse 1]
Forgive me for the times I've ran away
All the days I felt that no one cared
Tried to shut my ears and drift away

[Verse 2]
But You have never gave up on my weaknesses
Though sometimes I stumble I will not fall (Psalm 37:24)
You even listen to my silent calls

[Pre-chorus] - Psalm 36:5
Your unfailing love is as vast as the heavens
Your faithfulness like the sky, it's endless

*Repeat Chorus*

[Verse 3]
I'll never be afraid for I can trust in You
For all the things I fail to understand
I learn to put my faith in Your plans

*Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus*

_______________________________________________

Story-telling time. 

This is my first song not written to convey my feelings to men. It wasn't planned to be this way, but I believe inspiration doesn't come just because you want it to come. Inspiration comes when it comes and that's it. It cannot be forced like learning Maths and Science :P

It all started last Friday night when I came back from Homes and discovered that the whole laman of my block was experiencing blackout. Jokingly, as I walked towards my block, I told my two seniors that "oh, maybe I can write a song later on".

Talking about power of confession, it really did happen. I switched on my laptop and planned to go online in the dark, but the battery was dying. I couldn't sleep so I decided to just sit in the dark, alone, for all of my housemates had already went to bed. 

At that moment, I came to realise that even if I was sleepy, it would be almost impossible to sleep, because it was incredibly hot without the fans.

...then came the sudden midnight breeze.

I took out my guitar from its bag, started plucking some random chords that suited my melancholic mood, and that first phrase came into my mind..

"It was that midnight breeze"

...and I always have this idea that the wind is some sort of a comfort God gives to us, especially when we are down and it comes all out of a sudden.

So I continued writing in the dark. Then in just a few seconds, I dragged my chair outside to the balcony, turned my bucket upside down (as a place to put my feet), grabbed my mini torchlight, and kept on repeating everything over and over again until I got what sounded nice to my ears.

Picture taken (of course) after the electricity came back.

If anyone's a fan of my music (perasan case), they will notice that I use my sense of smell too, most of the time. So here, you find "the smell of the laundry" because I just simply cannot omit it - it's part of the scene and the setting and the thing that activated my brain. By the way, it's actually the smell of downy fabric softener.

I got stuck after finishing my chorus and mosquitoes were partying around me. I almost stopped writing, but as I lifted up my head to observe my surroundings for any possible inspiration, something interesting caught my eyes.

I saw a cat across my block. It was running very fast. 

So that line came into my mind.

"Forgive me for the times I've ran away".

And I tried to relate it with my past situations. The lessons that I've learnt.

Anyway, I left the song hanging after the second verse, not until tonight when I decided to continue and finish everything up. I almost gave up on this song. But a few hours ago, I felt so stressed up that I couldn't understand a single thing  I was reading. My housemates have been studying literally since before I woke up this morning. I felt disappointed with myself and even thought of banging my head on the bedroom wall, honestly.

But.that.sudden.midnight.breeze.came.again.

I opened up my Bible, and found Psalm 36:5 being highlighted.

I added one final verse and there you have it.

My 7th (completed) song.

My 4th song written in Akasia this year.

My 1st song not written to show my feelings towards people.

Hypothesis

The more stressed up I get when I think about my undone Bio reports, my revision which is not even in progress, this study leave which is way too short to study everything, and the need for a brain tranquiliser to prevent myself from getting insane

...the more I feel the need of having an mp3 player. A good one which will not spoil in one year. 

I will go busking and begging around this end of semester holidays. Will be back with one next semester, I hope.

Wish me luck people.

One of the examples that money can buy happiness. Just kidding.

Got laptop with a thousands of songs but cannot carry around easily.

Got phone which can store songs but memory not big enough.

Life memang funny.

I hate myself for not being thankful sometimes.

Lessons Learnt

1. No matter how early you sleep on a Friday night, you're still going to wake up late on a Saturday morning.

2. Never pile up your laundry and wait till the weekends. Or else you will feel the torture.

3. Never walk into a supermarket with an empty stomach.

4. Never walk into a supermarket with a terribly empty stomach.

5. REMEMBER, SUPERMARKETS DON'T GIVE AWAY FREE PLASTIC BAGS ON SATURDAYS.

Lessons learnt today.

Hyper

I am seriously hyper.

Haven't felt like this since ages.

CA, thank you for making my life meaningful here in this land of far far away.

Most important of all, thank You, God, for what you've been doing and how you've brought us this far.

This semester is about to end.

I am hyper although I'm supposed to feel other way round since there are so many farewells.

Ah, feel like typing a very long-winded self-monologue but it will be too mushy.

OneNote, here I come! XD

Monday

Today is Monday. (Stating the obvious).

It's been a long longgg day. (Trying to make it sound like a dramatic day).

Nah, enough with the attempt of being funny. (Attempt fail).

I screwed up my Stats test because I was too ignorant to prepare for it. Last Friday I was thinking of studying on Saturday, but last Saturday I thought I deserved a day to rest, then there came Sunday and I forgot I had to do a whole load more tasks like Chemistry practical report, Bio report(s), etc.

So there I was, sitting in misery and sleepiness. I hate this cycle of regrets.

..and here I am, blogging about my life when I'm supposed to (literally) start hitting my laptop for my Bio report. Was thinking of blogging from the library this afternoon, when my brain suddenly rebelled. Googling for images of cinnamon, mint, shallot, garlic, cloves bla bla bla was not fun, and my brain told me that 

"hey, c'mon, your life is more than this".

but sometimes you cannot merely follow your brain, especially if you have a brain like mine.

So I chose to continue doing it with diligence  (that sounds too dramatic) a heart that says, hey, yeah, I'm doing it out of terpaksa-ness, but it's for my own benefit. See it in a bigger picture, it's for my parents, see it in another bigger picture, it's for God. 

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. - Colossians 3:23

There comes the word willingly. I told you terpaksa-ness is not a good thing.

Anyway, if someone was spying on me at 1am last night, that person could most probably see me shaking my head with my headphones on, trying to get that sleepiness away from me. It felt great to listen to Nothing is Impossible in full volume. Bwahaha.

And yeah, this story is certainly not according to chronology. Reminds me of the Form 4 novel Terminal Tiga.

So what made this day quite interesting is that...(takes a deep breath in)..

I received my topic test paper for Maths and ow yeah as expected I'm in the same place I'm always in and when the lecturer asked for our marks one by one I was the only one who came in front to whisper it to her rather than announcing it loud and clear like my classmates so yeah I feel good to be different and to be laughed at because I would have laughed too if I saw someone doing the same thing and you know what even if I scored 100 I would have done the same thing too, to be honest, and yeah in addition to that I didn't feel the slightest feeling of emoness because I know I can do far better in my finals, I just know it and that's me being realistic, not just optimistic.

...and shockingly my lecturer didn't comment a single thing about our marks, not like what she used to do last time.

I am indeed thankful for that.

What I need now is a little bit of perasan-ness because I came to realise that when my perasan level is high enough, that's when I gain confidence.

You don't have to agree with me about that. 

But when I say something in this blog, I'm being very honest. It's rather I write about it, or not write about it at all. 

To me, perasan=confidence, and I'm ok with that.

Back to Bio report, again.

I Can Handle This

Regrets.

Been typing this endless Bio report and it seems to be endless.

I regret for wasting time.

This is starting to get scary.

Change

The blogger is not free. In fact, she has two Bio reports to be completed before this Friday. This coming week is going to be seriously crazy, yet she feels that she needs to speak up about this matter which has been forever in her mind. Talking about inspiration that blooms when you're totally not free, here's a good example. But the blogger, being herself, is more than willing to sacrifice the precious Sunday evening nap (and ohh it's raining heavily now!). She knows she ain't good in setting priorities right, but hey, she thinks this is worth the time. The blogger's brain needs some warming up before the Bio report.

Well hello again.

I may not appear to be a thinker to you, my classmates may think that I'm such a lazy thinker when I refuse to answer to my Bio lecturer's question, but hey, I do think a lot sometimes.

Most of the time, I think about things which are not worth thinking of.

Like where did all of the missing people vanish too, or why is that fellow laughing at me, or when am I going to eventually get an A*, or why is everyone in the bus staring at me, or how possible it is for me to finally get myself an electric guitar etc.

...and I think about my fears too.

I have a long list of fears, if anyone asked me, I would say, what fears me the most is to experience the loss of my loved ones, or failing a major exam, or not being able to reach for my goals, or not being able to play guitar anymore, the list goes on, and there's one thing that I still fear of:

I fear changes. I fear if people change. I fear if today will be forgotten.

I've been living long enough to feel the love and care from friends, and I've been saying almost a thousand goodbyes. There are so many nice memories I cherish, but as I look back and seek for those familiar faces once again, I can almost see nothing. Some people really forget, even though you are constantly having the thoughts about them. Maybe they're moving on. Maybe they don't want to dwell in the past memories, but hey, isn't it scary to think that that very same person who was there for you years ago is now somewhere else, not having the slightest thoughts about you? 

I said I was being perasan yesterday, but the truth is, although I was grinning for the whole night, the same statement kept on repeating in my head.

People change, Fee. People change.

Friends, I'm not trying to say that there is no such thing like "Friends Forever".

But you see here, out of the many ex-classmates you have, how many still keep in touch with you? That fellow who said you're awesome years ago, is she even taking the effort to say hi to you once in a while? That so-called clan you were in, where are those clan members now?

Reality hurts, sometimes. But if there were no farewells, wouldn't it hurt more? To see that very person change and forget about you in front of your own eyes. Yes, to me, we need farewells, because it creates some time and space to slowly discover new people and places, to learn about new things, and most important of all, for a person like me, farewells taught me to cherish each and every individual who has came into my life, although most of them are now showing signs of amnesia forgetting me.

Why am I saying these things out? I don't know. I just felt so blessed to read all of the birthday wishes I received yesterday. However that silly thought struck me in the middle of my perasan-ness and happiness. We can't help to slowly forget some of the individuals who sometime ago put a smile to our faces. It's just human nature to forget. And sometimes, we never really forget, but we choose to keep the feelings to ourselves.

That's why I hate hiding feelings. That's why you see me talking about feelings all the time in this blog.

The truth is, yes people change. Yes, I do take for granted of some people in my life. Yes, my feelings change too.

Change isn't the real deal. Since everyone changes from time to time, I guess there's nothing bad about it. I forgot to tell you my real fear of the second part of changes. When people change, they forget. When they forget, you're forgotten. 

My other fear: I'm afraid that one day these memories will just be mere memories. I am afraid of being forgotten, because I try too hard sometimes to remember those who created an impact in my life.

..and why do I love taking pictures with people?

At least, those smiles, those laughter, it's forever there in the pictures, although sometimes I fail to understand how sad it is to see some memories fade away.

*I do hate myself for being too nostalgic most of the time, if you would like to know that fact.

Now since the brain is actively functioning, let the Bio report marathon begin! 

HAPPY PERASAN DAY

I admit, I am still so excited and I don't feel like sleeping.

No wonder a friend said that birthdays make you feel like a star.

It's a day all your perasan receptors get stimulated. Errr, maybe not you, but me, since my level of perasan-ness is already naturally very high. Not shy to admit. Woo. I am so going to regret for posting something like this.

Anyway, what else should I say, my heart is singing, I feel so blessed today to know that I am loved. Being miles away from home on your birthday is indeed not that bad. 

Had a very high hope (was in fact soaring high) last night, hoping for some special thing to happen, but nahh, nothing did. Haha. So I just went to bed after replying some fb comments and text messages. Felt so unappreciated during my birthday eve, and seriously was about to fall into mild depression. 

Since it's a Saturday, didn't have the heart to wake up early, but some text messages came as early as 6am (CONGRATULATIONS, you seem to know at what time I was born years and years ago!). Decided to keep on rolling on the bed till 10am, when suddenly my housemates ambushed the room with a birthday song which marked the beginning of my day. Had an awesome breakfast specially prepared by them bwahaha.

Since it's a day which only comes once a year, I decided to cherish it by...

SLEEPING. I know it's such a terrible thing to do, but I couldn't help it. Didn't have the heart to study as well, so ahhh, yes it's weird to feel so sluggish on a day which is supposed to be exciting. The weather was so nice and windy bwahaha.

So I thought no one remembered.

Great that they knew I am a night type of person. 

Looking back on the things, the presents, the wishes, the text messages, how I wish that everyday is my birthday. Get splashed with a bucket of water everyday. Haha. I was feeling a bit afraid to face tomorrow knowing that all of these are ending soon, but hey, love never ends. I am so glad to feel like I have siblings in this place. 

No words can describe how I love these people. For their thoughts, their effort. The hugs, the smiles, the prayers. God, I am indeed blessed. 

Yes, I am still feeling perasan XD

No no no no no no

It's about to rain in this place. I hear thunder, I see lightning. I'm feeling lazy and my stomach is grumbling.

This Chemistry presentation about Anthropogenic and Natural Climate Change is obviously not making me happy. I don't understand what I'm doing. The only fun thing about preparing for slides is playing around with fonts, that's all.

Feel like picking up my guitar to write another pointless song since the weather is so inspiring.

I am apparently showing signs of talking to myself once again, which clearly indicates something.

No no no no no noo.

Togetherness

I thank composers and bands for these kind of songs.

*

We may not always be successful, but we are victorious. 

Just some wise words uttered by a friend this morning.

Me not gonna call meself a loser anymore.

7th Guitar!!

Got my 7th "me and a guitar" photo this evening. Whee! I am indeed happy.

..and what makes it special, it's the second electric guitar I've ever held/played in my entire life.

..and and and..what's funny is that..one year ago, on the 9th April 2011, I had my very first chance of holding/ playing an electric guitar :D

So excited and hyper. I wish I have one of my own.

One Special Thing #2

One (not so) Special Thing might be my next project.
Objective: To keep a record on how unique I am the things I love to do.

This is another thing I often do:

I take a lot of these and bring them back, eat them while doing my Maths in the middle of the night.

Do you? Tell me you did this before.

Some people say eww when I told them I love eating creamer. I don't get it. o.O

Challenge..Accepted!

Thought of something a few nights ago as I was looking through some old pictures.

Today I officially announce that I will begin a new project, part of my already existing project, The RJP. Yes, I make silly silly names of projects that aren't really real projects. Just want them to sound cool. Please, allow me to have some fun before I become older.

Basically the project is about snapping and collecting photos of me...

......

..........

.............

................

with as many guitars as possible.

I missed a few good chances already, so that's pretty sad. Currently I have 6 photos with different guitars. My first one is this:

Among the very few photos of my childhood in which I appear to be not so cute, so I decided to crop it. And yep..I was holding the guitar wrongly. Who knew years later that very same person can play like a semi-pro ady. *coughs*coughs* (puji diri). (self-motivation).

So yeah, I'm going to start snapping once I have the chance to hold anyone's guitar. Too bad I've already missed the chance to take pictures with a Takamine and a Yamaha last sem.

Okay

Haven't been uploading new pics since ages for my mum to see, so decided to tag her on one of my latest pic, just for fun because I know she likes seeing her own child's photo on her wall. It wasn't my best shot, and today I've learnt my lesson, when her friend (her friend's/my ex-neighbour's sister, by the way) left a comment..

Translation for the above comment:

Wow..is that a pic of Fiona? I thought that's a guy. She's all grown up now..where is she? Still continuing her studies? 

So I was like..
oh..

Next time I'll make a super girly self-shot, I promise.

One Special Thing

Let's begin with self appreciation.

I'm being perasan again. Nah, allow me to show some love to myself in my own blog space, please.

Honestly, I didn't really know what to say when some time ago, there was this question:

"Describe something special about yourself."

So here it goes. I do think I have something special, I guess. Maybe only few people do the same thing, but the point is, I believe not many find it as a normal stuff.

So what is that one special thing? I think I can replace the word special with unusual.

I almost never delete the messages in my inbox, and I keep my sent items most of the time, unless they get accidentally deleted because it's limited for 999 sent messages only. To date, I currently have 2771 messages in my inbox. Yes, two thousand seven hundred and seventy-one messages. Tell me I'm a cool weird person. 

Why do I keep them? Well I do delete some, like "OK" and "Alright" ones, but there's this one "OK" message that I still keep...jeng jeng jeng..because it was sent by a friend who never used any smileys but on that particular day she ended the message with one smiley XD so I had to keep it to commemorate the historical day.

Believe me, reading my sent items makes me feel like reading a diary, especially those messages that I sent to my mum. Reading my inbox gives me ideas on how and when I get to know friends and start to text them less formally. It's seriously funny when I read back those old messages. Yes, I do reread them sometimes when I have no better things to do.

OK, that was totally random.

Did I freak you out with my weird habit? I hope so.

Half-awake

Dreamt that all of my housemates ran out of the house.

Woke up finding out I am home alone.

One does not simply take a nap on a cloudy, drizzling day. It doesn't deserve to be called a nap anymore, with so many adventures in one dream.

Fee's Story

Hi.

Haven't been blogging about stuffs for quite a long time (one week? Long eh?), it's not that nothing happened, in fact so many things happened to the point that I found myself caught in emotional confusion and too many ups and downs (and ups again), making me somehow happy and emo at the same time.

Now how should I start this. 

Since this story is going to be an accumulation of things that happened in a week, it's surely going to be totally random and long. So yeah. I don't even know why should I be typing them here. Been keeping two written journals, one on OneNote, one blog, ah, looks like I've been expressing my feelings too much all over the places this semester.

Recovery

Well, obviously I wasn't feeling well last week, I can say everything inside me went wrong, you can take that both literally and figuratively. Had a bad mind that kept on bringing myself down, it was a jumble of things that I think I won't necessarily have to share here. Immune system was bad as well, had flu and felt feverish during my IELTS speaking test for the finals, so yeah, I screwed everything up.

But it's OK anyway. As I recovered from my flu, I also found out that I recovered from those emo moments. When people asked me if I was OK, truthfully, when I answered "OK ady", I was referring to my emo state, not my flu. It was a moment of both recovery and discovery. Thanks to friends who've been constantly reminding me that I have a God who loves me, so yeah, I can't guarantee that I'll be as happy as a lark for all the days to come, but hey, I've learnt my lessons and next time I'll know what to do, I guess. God has been working in mysterious ways, so mysterious and indescribable - and there's only one thing that I can only say: If I never got to know him, I'd probably not be here at this time.

So yeah, next time,when I sing this, I don't want to just merely sing it, but mean what I sing too.

With Christ in the vessel

We can smile at the storm

Smile at the storm 

Smile at the storm 

With Christ in the vessel

We can smile at the storm

As we go sailing home

Sailing, sailing home 

Sailing, sailing home

The Lost Guitar Picks

I've been complaining everywhere that I lost two of my favourite picks and they're the only ones I have here in Akasia. I'm a person who loves memories, and linking stuffs with memories often gives me that fun nostalgic feeling (yes, I know I am weird), so basically I am sad because there are so many memories with two of those yellow and orange picks. I kept them hanging together with my student ID. Didn't even realise how and when they slipped out. 

Minutes ago, an idea struck me.

I used to make self-made picks out of Pringles lids. They're not that good though, mainly because they're too soft. Was thinking hard of a better material (because I don't have Pringles anyway), and aha, something caught my attention.

Prepared some peanut butter and jam sandwiches for the first time in Akasia a few days ago and got too excited to close the lid of the container. I exerted too much force, obviously causing the container to crack. Next semester I should bring a proper tupperware from home.

That container (which is now empty, of course) remained on my table and aha, it seemed to be the perfect thing to be turned into a guitar pick.

Cut it into pieces and finally I have a guitar pick once again. Perfect thickness. One thing about self-made picks is that their edges become nicer and smoother as you keep on playing using them.

Bio Field Trip

It didn't even look like a field trip but a trip to strengthen bonds among classmates. Went to FRIM, had the horror of my life when I woke up at the time I'm supposed to already be waiting at the bus stop (thanks to the bus for coming late), I managed to make it anyway. Phone alarms are so unreliable. 

Was a tiring and sun-tanning experience, but yeah, had fun bonding with classmates, now I realise I love them more and more each day.

Preparing the report is something I'm not looking forward to :(

So yeah, that's basically what happened for the whole week. I need to study Statistics now. The only topic test left. Yikes.

It Was a Mistake

It was a mistake...

...that I chose to do the laundry right after coming back from Bio field trip.

Time to recharge.

Bounce Back

"I want you to do it blindfolded."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to give up at a certain point when you can go further."

----------

"There you go, a little bit left."
"Good effort."
"Keep coming!"
"That's a good start! A little bit left!"
"You give me your best, you keep going, that's it!"
"Don't stop, you got more in you than that!"

"I'm just resting a second!!"


"You gotta keep moving! Don't quit till you got nothing left!"
"Keep moving! Do your very best, your very best!"


"It hurts!"


"Don't quit!"
"Come on! Keep going!"


"It hurts!"


"I know it hurts! You keep going!"
"You promised me your best, don't stop, keep going!"


"It's too hard!!"


"It's not too hard! You can do it!"
"Give me your best! Don't quit!"

--------------------

I'm sorry, Coach. You must be yelling like that to me too, I guess, when my heart simply screamed "I can't do it", "it's impossible", "it's hard", "I give up."

It's embarrassing, I know. I chose to close my ears, shut my heart, drift away.

Truth is, I can never run away, not matter how angry I am.

It doesn't matter where I run, You're there for me.

How can I say that these are all coincidence.

Facing the Giants is in a friend's pendrive which is with me right now. 

Romans 8:28 been chasing me all day since last night from different individuals, how can I say that that's coincidence?

All I want to do now is to bounce back and start this new month with a new attitude and a right heart.

I know life is not getting any easier. 

I know things don't always be as good as in movies. Situations don't simply become better so drastically. But I know I'm blindfolded, I cannot see what's ahead of me, and all I have to do is to trust that voice of truth.

If I win, I praise Him, and if I lose, I praise Him.

Time to bounce back.

You, I just want to thank you. You know who you are.