#35 October: Snippets: Journal

4th, Tuesday

"Registration for the new semester was OK. I mean, there's nothing much to tell. A and B were in charge of the academic part so when they saw my results they reacted..well..not in a way that I am pleased with, but whatevs. I don't ace exams to impress people. And words spread fast. Cos friend C knew my results when we met later that afternoon. Whatevs. I didn't disturb anyone's life and I didn't become that smartass/asshole (smartasshole?) I used to be (when I first entered that uni). I'm more like a hybrid of Mike Rosenberg and Jake Bugg now."

"He stared right into my soul when he saw me loitering around cos he saw me earlier on when I left. I think he's just nosy and thought I was about to cause havoc again by rebelling and revolutioning against the system again lol babi. I had a strong desire to flip the bird at him."

"Eventually Mdm. D appeared and well it was a quick meeting with her lol. She legitly said, 'Sapa nama awak tek oh? Nicholas?' which might sound like a mockery but it was a legit absent-minded question. I know the difference between mockery and pure blunder. Nicholas sounds like a good name though."

"He wasn't wearing his specs. Either on purpose or he forgot, idk. And I sort of found out that the reason why he rips the ticket at number 10 is simply because he rips it without looking at it. Sort of like an approximate rip, a bad one, in fact."

"It's either he's such a slo-mo relaxed man, or time seems to pass by so slowly, I don't know. Because it felt like forever while waiting for him to give back the change. I always don't know where to stare. I stared at a man dressed in some sort of uniform out of my window, then at his right hand, then back to the man outside, then at his left hand, then to the man again, and I was like now where should I stare?"

"I live in a society that misinterprets smiles and courtesy, so it's tricky."

6th, Thursday

"I'm so tired actually. Well, not physically tired. But I do feel like rolling in bed and falling asleep slowly but I had coffee quite late today, so I doubt the caffeine rush is going away anytime soon. And I have to wake up at 5am tomorrow. Curses."

"And I don't have to tell about the 20 sen that dropped into the puddle (blogged), or the about me essay Dr. E asked for (FB-ed), or the song I wrote as soon as I reached home and drank that canned coffee (IG-ed)."

7th, Friday

"He has a beautiful laugh. He explained .... very patiently. He should become a teacher or something. It's sad to think how a nice adult like him ended up doing a job that doesn't pay him much. But he looks like he's OK with it."

"Sometimes I wonder if Jesus crossed my path, in human form, would I be admiring him? Cos if humans can make you feel so good about life then once upon a time when Jesus was human surely people felt so good being around him eh? Life is so weird."

12th, Wednesday

"F, G, H, and J looked as if their souls were sucked away by dementors."

"I love these kids, and I'm proud to be with these underdogs."

"I reached the junction at __. If I took an extra sprint I bet all my Bahts I would've made it."

13th, Thursday

"Wow what a spectacular day--just because of one unusual decision that I made: I SKIPPED ONE OF MY CLASSES! HA! I feel so sinful yet so...proud of myself."

"There was yet another mentally ill man on the ride. Muttering stuffs. Threatening K. K looked unhappy. He looked so unhappy it broke my heart. Because this is a guy who was once a child with dreams and ambitions. He could be someone else. But look at him, trapped in a job with meager pay maybe because he doesn't have other options, or maybe he has lost all ambitions and goals. And the way he always raises his hands 3 or 4 times to the old man at the Timberland bus stop--damn it just breaks my heart. How can such a pleasant person end up living a shit life? Or is he really living a shit life? He's probably thinking he's living a blessed life--and well, that's good then."

"But at __ a van broke down and there's this bunch of men pushing it, singing so jovially. It was a happy, happy scene. Like dwarves and gnomes working together in harmony or something. We were actually directly behind them before we switched lanes. And lol, K smiled at them, and they grinned back. I bet the universe was also smiling."

"We ain't bros, we ain't amigos, but thank you for showing me that it's OK to end up living an average life. It's really OK."

14th, Friday

"They would not listen, they're not listening still. Perhaps they never will..."

18th, Tuesday

"After the attack of the monster, I was determined to have a day off--a library day, a Tuesday library day like what I used to have. I was very afraid. Afraid that the big hand would come back. It was squeezing my brain, and I almost thought I'd fall back."

"It shocked me this morning--the way I felt when I settled down at the bus stop. After two Tuesdays of not having any 'Library Days', I think I've lost the feeling. At 9am it's already too sunny and bright already. 6am rides seem more appealing. L was on an unfamiliar bus. It was a good ride, but I've lost the sense of familiarity and fondness I used to have about my Tuesday Library Days, so I think I'm fine of letting it go slowly right now. It's surprising, but I think I've adapted well to my 6am routine."

"M was at the main counter. I hate the way he looks at me."

19th, Wednesday

"I feel so physically tired right now. I guess it's normal when you've been awake since 5am."

21st, Friday

"Let's forget how I slept my way through the minutes of waiting for class to start, and my journey to the classroom greeted by an overly enthusiastic N. Wanker."

25th, Tuesday

"Today was surprisingly good. I mean, heck, I thought my Tuesday routine is forever gone but today was perfect."

"At Batu 7 the mentally ill man hopped on and sat behind me. He didn't stop blowing his nose. He almost started an ugly scene with an elderly man, although I really have to say he actually had good intentions."

"At Jalan Masjid the workers were cutting down the palm trees. Sadly I didn't take any photos. I thought I could snap some later but when I returned there at 3 all trees were already gone lol."

"I asked P whether I can start borrowing the new books. I NOW HAZ CARL SAGAN'S COSMOS WITH ME YUUUHUUU!"

"The handsome man borrowed __. I no longer like him after seeing that he did not push in his chair when he left the library."

"He's so generous with his smiles but not everyone returns it. Like me."

"It was a pleasant ride. The usual man wearing the golf cap hopped on at __. I like the way he stares out of the window. Like me."

"He shakes the cans until the drink bubbles up and flows out once opened. It's damn weird because by doing so you get your hands dirty and sticky but ugh, to each his own." 

26th, Wednesday

"Well today is something like 3.5/5 because it was OK but not perfect. I mean a lot of things could've been different in a better way if I took different actions but oh well you can't have it all."

"I think I missed Q's bus. I had to wait for R's bus. Not fun. The bus ride was a mess. Not fun, standing (and sitting) without personal space like that. Very unfun. Sobs. But I ended up sitting next to a pleasant young lady who actually legitly smiled at me."

"I hopped on after hopping over a puddle like a badass ballerina."

"I just gave him something like an angsty teen glance."

28th, Friday

"I had the same bus to college, and the same bus back. (Ugh.)"

"Class was OK btw. Like wow, not bad. S actually smiled."

Things I've learnt this October:

-I like a lot of people. I also hate a lot of people.

-Bus rides are still cool. Except for when they're full. 

-Class got better. And maybe it's getting better from here. 

-Some days were perfect, some days were meh, some days were disastrous.

-Some days I felt like I can conquer the world, some days I felt like a mess.

.

#34

I've got a head full of white noise

and a heart full of silent fears

Pockets full of stolen toys

and a life full of wasted years

If eyes cry a thousand tears

Do they ever run dry?

#33 Just Another Wednesday

I woke up feeling pretty excited because it's another morning to hop on the early bus.

But I think I missed the early creaky old bus by perhaps one or two minutes. I should've walked to the bus stop earlier. I didn't rush because last week it was rather late. 

So I had to wait for the next bus after 6. It was so dark but I slowly watched the break of dawn as I waited for 20 minutes or so. It was rather disappointing to think that I would be hopping on that air conditioned bus, but I had no other options.

The bus was full and I had to stand up until about 10 stops later. It wasn't fun at all, and I wish I was on an STC bus which is far more comfortable although I can't understand why people say the opposite.

The grumpy old driver was all smiling and happy when he had some favourite passengers on the ride talking to him. When they hopped off at some stops along the route, he returned to his grumpy stressful face and I find this interesting, in a way.

I also became an asshole for not giving up my seat to anyone. I am utterly ashamed of myself, so I'm not going to elaborate.

Class was ok. I mean, well, surprisingly ok. But assignments are coming and I am a bit scared to be honest. Groupworks and pairworks are really scary and I'm never really good at them. One thing I hate about it is that when you have an idea and your teammate does not agree with it but can't tell you honestly what are their idea. And you get the exact same marks with them, so you either ace it together or screw it together, which is maybe pretty much why uni needs to do stuff like this to students. Maybe they want to teach you that sometimes real life functions that way.

My Narnia marathon came to an end and I'm ashamed to say that I almost fell asleep a few times when I was reading the last book. Maybe it's just because I woke up early. Idk. 

I had a surprisingly good lunch alone. I haven't eaten any good fried kueh tiaw in a while so I gotta say today's one surprised me in a good way.

It rained when I walked to the station but I was too lazy to take out my umbrella, plus I thought I'd feel better walking in the rain in my black hoodie, so I did so. My timing was perfect because the driver and I walked to the bus at the same time but I only gave him a bro glance because smiling is creepy.

It was another perfect ride. I really love it when it's raining not so heavily or had rained because the air is really refreshing and when you open that bus window the air just blows your hair and hits your face and you feel damn alive. I also gulped down coffee so that explains why I'm feeling a bit happier than usual. The only disappointing thing was that I bought this packet of Nips that said it contains peanuts and raisins but I ate half on the bus and did not get any raisins. I shook the packet real hard to mix it up in case the raisin ones were settled at the bottom for some reason, and it made a really loud noise because the bus was stopping at a traffic light, and I felt self-conscious that I made myself look like a weirdo.

I was also on the same ride with the mentally ill man again, and yes, I do wonder why the universe is syncing our schedules again and again.

I hopped off the bus, said thank you, to which the driver answered a generic welcome instead of his usual cheery ok! so I guess he isn't feeling particularly cheery today.

And there goes my Wednesday. I don't feel like I did much in life today. Didn't contribute to any grand stuff. Last night I fixed the leaking tap at home after my dad gave up on fixing it and left for his night shift. It made me feel good, being able to contribute to something unusual to my home/family. I'm also still having so weird thoughts of how nice it would be if I were a guy. It's a rather risky thing to say on an open blog but hey, I'm not saying that I love women. It's just that if I were a guy a lot of things would be different in a better way I think. Or maybe it's just me simply assuming stuffs.

Thr pic of the day would be a pic that I took at the bus stop this morning. It's dark. You can't really see anything. But that's the point. 

#32 Stuffs So Far

Quick post:

Assignments are out and I'm about to die.

I went to the hospital last Sunday to accompany my mum to visit a relative from village and he was at the emergency department while waiting to be admitted into a ward.

It made me realise that I have fully made peace with my past—of never getting to become a doctor in this lifetime. Being there for half an hour made me weary and there's just so much stimuli lol.

I saw a boy having a seizure and the look in his dad's eyes just made me feel damn sad.

The hospital is clearly not a place for someone like me. But I'm sure people like me who end up working there somehow grow to adapt and get used to it, and that's a remarkable thing. I have a mad amount of respect for them.

On a different note, I used all three crutches today. Hopped on a bus, spent 5 hours reading at the library, and gulped down a can of coffee on the ride home. It's the best decision I made today. I no longer care if they are my crutches or my way of running away or escaping because all that matters is that I found myself sitting on the bus feeling so thankful about life and that alone us enough for me.

I was the only passenger on my ride home from the main station, so it was very fun to feel kinda like a VIP. It wasn't for long though because other passengers began to hop on from other stops a few minutes later. When I reached my home junction the driver shut the back door which made me think he probably likes getting thank yous from me (perasan lol). Or maybe he just recognises my habit of getting out of the front door. Idk. It's still a fun thing to say though, those thank yous. I used to think I'm a creep for saying that to drivers but now I'm like well it's just common courtesy and what if they're having a shitty day and saying thank you can make them feel appreciated. That's kinda cool to think of.

I almost witnessed a brawl though between the mentally ill man and an elderly man. The brawl didn't happen. But it almost happened. It's pretty hard to explain, but if the elderly man wasn't an elderly man I'm sure some punches were exchanged this morning. Strangers are scary people, after all.

Apart from that, life's been as usual. I'm in my last Narnia book. I finished Macbeth today. And I managed to borrow Cosmos by Carl Sagan and I'm feeling damn special because the library had just purchased the book and I became the first to borrow it. It's one of the books frequently mentioned on Reddit so I am feeling very curious to read it.

In less than a month the second hand bookfair will return and I'm feeling super excited. It's like no matter what shit may happen, at least I have something to look forward to in life at the moment.

I guess that's all. Bye.

#31 Crutches, Participating, and Pretty Much Everything

I have decided that starting from next year I will be blogging daily.

At least one picture a day. That's the goal. And I'm doing this for myself, not for you, not for anyone.

Because the year is about to end and I suddenly feel like I've wasted another good year being a coward and not attempting stuffs I've always wanted to attempt. Oh how we beg and we borrow, say we'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come..

And I realise that each day has its own story that shapes us to who we are today (how cliche..)

Anyway. Back to being serious.

It's been one whole week since I posted something that I deleted--and I'm glad the monster is back in its cage. It hasn't been an easy week, last Friday was disastrous, and to be honest things aren't showing any signs of improvement..

But on Saturday a friend popped up on chat for the first time in months, asking me how I stayed alive, and I find it ironic that I was actually in a mess that previous night, and well hello, now someone is asking me what's the secret of staying alive when life is shit.

The old me would say this is a sign from God, telling me that I am still needed in this world, but hey, I'm no longer the old me (sorry to disappoint..) and I began rambling again, and surprise surprise, I used the word crutches.

Because surprise, surprise, while I was sobbing all night listening to Starry Starry Night (/Vincent--whichever title you're familiar with) I was so damn tired of everything and I almost thought by 30 I'd be a loony on a bus ride, but hey, I did the most genius thing. I prayed! (Hah, I didn't--sorry to disappoint.)

I drank my canned coffee. Two cans, to be exact. I could gulp a third can, but within half an hour the caffeine began to kick in and the world became all sunshine and rainbows (and unicorns) again, and I decided I didn't want to die yet. And I stopped feeling tired.

And at that moment, it dawned upon me that I am now solving 99.99% of my problems using crutches. 

And canned coffee is my crutch. Bus rides too. And library visits. 

The friend told me then that if I ever lose these crutches I can find new ones, which well, sounds logical. But what if my crutches turn into things that will harm me back? I wonder about people with substance abuse now. I never cared about them. But now I feel like a potential substance abuser and that kind of scares me. 

So I stopped taking canned coffee for a week now. And I haven't been on my favourite bus for a week too. But I had my library visit, and that's OK because it isn't harmful in any way. I tried to see how my life would be without the coffee and the bus, and damn it, this week's been terrible.

Which brings us to point number two, participating.

That's Jake Bugg. And every time I feel like I don't want to participate in anything, I feel like I'm Jake Bugg, for no real reason. It's just how my brain associates his face with an idgaf attitude.

And really, for the whole week (and the week before) I no longer bother about trying to participate in certain things. Part of it is because I tried and didn't feel encouraged to try again, and part of it is because pure laziness.

There's this class that I was previously a bit eager to learn stuffs from and participate in, but my earlier participation weren't accepted in a way I like it, so right now I'm really unmotivated to even make any effort in that class. It also annoys me that the culture of Googling for everything is so damn prevalent in class, and no one wants to admit that they don't know something anymore. Tutor asks a question? Don't know the answer? Google! Hah! Sheep! We're breeding a generation that's going to be too proud to say that simple verse. "I don't know." "I'm not sure." Everyone's reading out answers from their phones. What's the fucking point?

I'd prefer if students are asked questions and are expected to answer what they know, whatever they know. If they know something, let them share it. If they don't know something, allow them to say they don't know. And if they answer something wrongly, correct them in an appropriate way. And if the educator is wrong, oh please, educators, if you're wrong, don't say you're right. I'm so sick of this eastern culture of budaya menghormati guru supaya ilmu berkat. I mean yes, respect your teachers. But I look up to educators who learn together with their students. I better stop rambling, cos it's going to show how much unteachable I am. 

And my dad was listening to the radio this morning when the dj said the word lintang-pukang, speaking in rojak english. He said there's an english word for that, but it's on the tip of his tongue. The old me would quickly answer him, but after two weeks of giving up on participating in class, it seems that I also gave up participating for real. I knew the word, but I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put on my Jake Bugg face.

I don't know why am I so angry these days.

I also fell asleep for real in classes.

It's so weird.

I don't think I'm tired. I don't think I'm depressed. A little bit down, yeah, but things aren't so bad like there's a big hand squeezing my head. Now that's bad. This is more like...a feeling like all motivation is lost. 

I'm suspecting it's partly because I became too dependent on my crutches. So when I don't get those crutches, I feel like I can't walk. Scary.

Whatever it is, well, things aren't just going to get better if I blog about it, but it does feel good to get some of it off my chest. I hope next week I'll be more motivated and less grumpy, because it's so hard to live an unmotivated and grumpy life.

Also, my current song obsession:

#30 Hmmh

A bad day is a bad day if only you think it is.

I'm so tired and lazy (I ate too much today..) so this blog post is going to be short. Doing it for the sake of posting a picture to commemorate the day.

Had a good morning ride. Felt good to laugh as early as 5.49am when my coin dropped and I went oh mak then the driver went oh jatuh. It was funny because his voice was so loud.

College—blergh. But friends—lol I don't know why I laugh too easily at jokes these days. One of my tutors also kindly dismissed me earlier than the rest after finding out I had to catch a bus home. Unfortunately my usual bus wasn't around. I was on an air-conditioned bus with the old grumpy driver but today was, again, funny, because I saw him laughing for the first time. We're talking about an old grumpy man here. He was very much amused to see a lady balancing a plastic bag on her head while she was carrying her baby and another plastic bag in the other hand. In fact, half of the bus was laughing in amusement, so I find the situation amusing because all these while I thought I was the only one who gets amused too easily.

That's pretty much about it. I'm feeling so tired but trying hard not to gulp down some coffee..

And my shoes..I could only laugh..and wash them right away as I reached home.

#29 Somebody, Nobody, Changing, Unchanging

I was on another bus ride this morning when I saw a man lying on the side of the road, covered with an umbrella. It was a sunny morning. Either people were covering him because of the sun, or because he was dead, I'm still not sure--because our bus whizzed past him and all I saw were his khaki trousers, and a 4WD that hit him, and some officers taking some details from the driver. No ambulance, no paramedics--which meant it had probably just happened. 

Everyone on the bus craned their necks to get a better view. 

Then things resumed like normal just as we lost sight of the scene.

The sun was still shining brightly. The road construction workers were still doing their jobs. Cars were still driving by. People were still doing their things.

Funny, right? 

Funny that we're somebody and nobody at the same time. Nothing stops just because a man is lying at the side of the road after being hit. People are still doing their business.

But in the man's world, things may have stopped. A wife gets a phone call. A son finds out his dad was in an accident. A daughter cries. A friend is sad. A stranger who routinely sees this man wonders why he doesn't show up on this particular day.

As much as things are unchanging for those who does not know this man at all, things are changing for those who knows him in different levels of his life.

Funny, right?

Makes me wonder how small we are. How insignificant. Life does not stop for us. Life moves at its usual pace when things happen to us. 

But at the same time, we're somebody. We're somebody to some people. And their lives are altered when something happens to us.

Funny, how we're somebody, but nobody at the same time..

.

Hope the man's OK though. I'm going to read some online news tonight and check out the papers tomorrow to see if there's any news about him. 

#28 Friday

I'm blogging from my phone again because it's so convenient. If I wait till I get back home to type some of these down, I might forget some real feelings and stuffs lol.

I'M AT COLLEGE! BEFORE 7AM!

Wahaha, what happened to my new resolution to come a bit later and take a later bus in the morning?

I don't know! Because human beings are so weird! Waking up at 5 sounded like a nightmare last week, but boy it's so easy to do once I did it more than once. Talk about developing good habits..

And just a few moments after I crossed the road and settled down at the bus stop, a bus came!

And surprise, surprise!

It's an old creaky bus. I was so delighted.

And another surprise, it's the driver who I haven't seen since ages! I think I last saw him two semesters ago, when I was wearing my red Chicago Bulls tshirt and I chased after his bus and he laughed so hard at me because the bus was actually going to the main station anyway. Despite being laughed at, I still like him because he's a cool man, somewhat fatherly, like a cool funny dad, with bushy brows and always wearing a cap and a pair of earphones.

I almost wanted to say to him, yo where have you been, haven't seen you in ages, man. But he was the one to greet me first, so cheerfully, saying that he almost whizzed past me because it was so dark and I was (still am) wearing all black. Black hoodie, black collared shirt, black slim fit jeans, black sneakers. I looked at myself and realised maybe I should wear a reflector jacket. It was a good early morning interaction—to be greeted by a familiar stranger that way. I was fully awake throughout the ride. And nope, no coffee. Clean for two days!

Arrived at the main station 10 minutes before 7. I thought to myself this is a rather crazy thing to do throughout the whole semester. I know it isn't easy to retain this motivation, especially when assignments start to kick in and there'll be more sleepless nights due to procrastination. Next time I might want to come 5 minutes before 8, which is a more ideal timing.

So since the driver's been nice, I took the opportunity to ask him about the early morning schedule. Sadly, he said he can't confirm there are buses around that time, but told me that if I wait every 30 minutes there will sure be one around. And he actually remembered where he picked me from earlier, because he used my stop as his reference. Such a good man. This is why I love STC bus drivers. Never met a rude one so far. Hope it stays that way.

So now I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start but dreading the fact that I'll be sitting in class feeling dead inside because in all honesty, college right now is only bearable for three reasons: The bus rides, the chance to walk to the city council library, and the times laughing my ass off with friends. Everything else is just meh so far.

I might update and edit this post if I feel like I want to add some things after class.
.

Updates after class:

Classes aren't going on well. But I'm too lazy to elaborate, because I'm setting my brain to think on happy thoughts and good people who are worth my time and a space on my blog.

Good thing was that although I missed my favourite bus, I did hop on an old creaky one, and the driver addressed me as 'dik' and I've never been on his bus before. A cute little boy was being cuddled by him mum and was facing me throughout the whole journey, and he was staring right into my soul the whole time with a look of confusion. I never know how to respond in these kind of situations, but I did repeatedly make funny faces, and eventually he fell asleep looking at me. I wish I was kidding. Never knew my face could send people to sleep.

Hopped off at my stop and said thank you, in which the driver responded to cheerfully, and that's a good thing. Wouldn't it be great if this was actually a normal thing to do in Kuching? 

On a different note, I was on the same ride with the mentally ill man again. I really don't know how and why the universe seems to snyc our schedules together lately. 

And on another different note, I still believe that a bad day is only a bad day if you believe it is so. And maybe I shouldn't be worrying much about the rest of the weeks in this semester, and maybe I should prove to some people that I don't hate people for petty reasons. Or maybe I shouldn't even bother to prove anything, because once a person dislikes you and plays the victim card, there's nothing much to do anyway. I know because I've been on that side. Come on baby, don't pretend you've never done something similar to someone else as well. We're all victims in our own eyes. 

That was a rather negative paragraph to close such an originally happy blog post, so maybe I should add something. Something.

#27 Letters and Confessions

Weeks ago a good friend (hi, friend) shared one good blog post written in the form of letters to strangers. Friend also adopted this style in her recent blog posts. I really think it's a great format, so today I think I want to adopt it too, just for this single post. I promise the next ones will be written in my usual style hahaha.

Technically my personal journal entries are written in the format of Dear Friend, and end with Love Always, and I did that after reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower because I kinda thought it's cool to imagine that I'm writing them to a friend, whoever the friend is. 

Enough with the intro, here are how some letters would look like if I were to write about today to a bunch of random people:

------------------

Dear Self,

You foolish kid. Why would you wait at the bus stop at 5.40am when you already knew that last week's bus came at 6.05am? Why can't you relax a bit and stop being paranoid of missing the morning bus? Because if you miss that one, there's surely another bus, and well, who cares about coming to class late? No one is punctual anyway. But I gotta pat you on the back for waking up early and feeling so energetic at 5am although you didn't really sleep well because of the coffee yesterday. Let's walk to the bus stop a bit late tomorrow, aite?

Love always,

Fee

Dear the snails that I stepped on at the bus stop,

Rest in peace, amigos. I swear I didn't step on you guys on purpose. It was still dark, and I wasn't really looking down, so you could imagine my horror when I heard that crunching sound beneath the soles of my trainers. I immediately knew I had killed something and crushed them to death, for I am not a natural killer. I never harm snails on purpose. I'm really, really sorry. Maybe I should bring a torchlight next time.

Love always,

The owner of the blue trainers

Dear friend 1, 

Thanks for tagging me on a picture of us two years ago. I'm sorry back then I didn't trust you and the bunch because I was a foolish, defensive, unlovable, a bit too careful person. Sorry I didn't approve the picture to appear on my timeline though, because I don't want some people to know I ended up at this university. You and the bunch always tag our uni location and hashtag our uni name, but you know the way they look at us, don't you? We're underdogs, the less likely to succeed, compared to those kids from public unis. A man at church keeps on sending that message to dad. It hurts me, the way they look at us. But I'm proud to have known you and the bunch. I thought you guys were just a bunch of rowdy, unmotivated kids, but you guys have hopes and dreams too. They don't know our story. 

Love always,

Fio

Dear Dr. X,

I get that you're proud of your background and years of experience, but it would be cooler if you deliver the lesson more than you talk about your life stories. It was cool during the first week, but now it's getting old. Now in case one of the people from uni discovers my blog and know I'm talking about you, don't get me wrong. I like you. But now I'm beginning to see you as Gilderoy Lockhart..

Love always,

That bored student

Dear friend 2,

Thanks for the cucur. And thanks for listening to my rants and weighing together the effects of escaping the 2pm class. You rock.

Love always,

Fio

Dear Miss X,

If only, if only you didn't respond sarcastically and encouraged a little bit of participation in your classes, I would've had the motivation to at least show up and sit through your whole lesson. But it's week 2 and I see no end to this suffering, and the fact that I need to see you for three times in a week just makes me want to die. Don't get me wrong, I could have liked you, but you have absolutely zero sense of humour and that kills me. So I figured, it's better to escape your class now than to escape in the future weeks because I'd need to come to listen to explanations on assignments. I know, you don't lose anything. I'm the one paying for my education, and I am solely responsible for the actions that I take. I'm sorry I escaped your class though. It was a random decision, totally unplanned. I was too comfortable at the library and was very lazy to leave. Sorry. I'll never skip your classes ever again. Unless I feel like it next time.

Love always, 

That annoyed student

Dear mum and dad,

Lol sorry mum and dad. I purposely escaped one class today for the first time ever. But don't worry, for the whole time when I was supposed to be sitting in that class, I was actually sitting at the library so comfortably, reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I know, dad, you wouldn't be proud of hearing this, because you paid for the tuition fees but I chose to educate myself at the library instead. And mum, it wasn't like I was loitering around smoking cigarettes or karaoke-ing with a bunch of friends, right? I still feel very sinful though, because the both of you expected I was attending class listening to a lecture. But I was feeling a bit adventurous and YOLO-ish. I'm sorry this is going to be a secret that I carry to my deathbed lol, but trust me, mum and dad, I don't think I miss out so much for choosing to not attend that class. In fact, I felt more accomplished that I managed to finish that Harry Potter book.

Love always,

Your problem child

Dear bus driver,

When that mentally ill guy spoke so harshly to you I saw how your smile vanished at an instant. It must be tiring, to be treated like that, but they don't really know what they've done, right? And I imagine you meeting these kind of people every single day and boy, does that sometimes make you feel like you wish you were doing something else instead of driving for a bunch of scary strangers who talk to you like you're not worthy of some respect? I still look at you and wonder is this the job that mum and dad wanted you to do? And when you were a kid, what actually did you dream of doing? When I hopped off the bus and said thank you, I hope you understand that I said so because I really mean it.

Love always,

The passenger

Dear Kitty,

What a pleasant surprise it is to see you sleeping, curling so comfortably in my room as I opened the door. It's so good to be able to sleep so soundly like you. In fact as I'm typing this letter to you, you're still there lol. 

Love always,

Your, uh, what's our relationship, Kitty?

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Dear random reader, 

Ayyy lmao. Would you like a letter from me? Here, have a letter. A. (Geddit, geddit?) :3

Love always,

Me.

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Two more I forgot:

Dear random pak cik,

Pak Cik, that's kind of creepy, ohkay. Next time of you want to sit at the same table with a girl who's sitting alone in the library, can you please acknowledge her presence and smile first? You came there suddenly, pulled the chair and didn't even look at me. And that's not the first time a stranger at the library did that to me. You're the second. The first, I thought I actually died and turned into a ghost and that's why I'm invisible. But getting this for the second time, ugh, it shows how invisible I am hahaha. And there were other tables with vacant seats, so I'm wondering what made you choose my table? Do I look so naive and harmless? Is that actually a good thing? I don't know, pak cik. Maybe you didn't want to smile because these days it's creepier to smile, or maybe you didn't bother asking if you could sit there, because it's a public place after all. I just sometimes wish people could treat each other better without being afraid of any hidden intentions. It's so hard to become an adult, to become a person with a cautious mind, because that's what happens to your mind when you lose your childhood innocence. But then that's a necessary survival skill. Lol, what a complicated world we live in, pak cik.

Love always,

The young woman reading Harry Potter

Dear pak cik on the morning bus,

You said the most absurd thing I've heard today. When the woman wanted to sit at the seat next to you and asked whether you could move your basket, you answered her "Bakul saya nak duduk." What is your basket, a frigging object with feelings? At that point I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry, because darn it, just darn it. I don't know what to say.

Love always,

Just another passenger

#26 Wednesday

I was born on a Wednesday, so I actually really like Wednesdays.

And today was surprisingly good, because to be honest I thought I wanted to be alone at the library and ride my favourite bus, but none of that happened, yet look at me right now, feeling so abnormally happy.

So far there are some things that I'd like to remember if I look back at this point, this early October, ifff I choose to look back one day:

1. My subjects are getting really interesting. I mean, before this there were so many subjects that seemed pointless but now I really feel like I'm learning new things, and it's a good feeling. In the past semesters we did take some interesting subjects like Social Entrepreneurship and Business Communication (which I found really useful because I never gave a damn about writing resumes and CVs and all those interview shit) but the rest of the subjects were rather meh, and I felt I was wasting my dad's money on education. But now I see some point going to college because there's some sort of real challenge to understand these new subjects. Funny how we actually love challenges.

2. I am beginning to have a true appreciation on my friendship with my gang from my foundation year. I admit when I first knew them I had some trust issues and I wasn't comfortable of them knowing about my past. But today one of them actually said just imagine if we didn't know each other..and I felt a little wave of thankfulness inside me. We actually took different courses after our foundation year, except for one who took the same with me. But these days, because of the fact that we don't get to spend a lot of time together, we actually make real effort to sync our timing and meet up for lunch. Today was the first time we had lunch together in about a month. I actually don't regret that I didn't go to the library, and that's just weird. We spent our gap hours having lunch, exchanging silly jokes, and having ice lollies at the nearby mall. I felt free and happy and weird at the same time. Because I know my mum would prefer me sitting at the library alone reading books but there I was loitering at the mall, being rowdy with a bunch of young kids. But I was happy and I am happy with myself, that even after all the things that had happened, I am still the old Fee after all.

I missed my favourite bus home too, just by perhaps a second or so. I was approaching the junction when it whizzed in front of me, but I could see the driver hunching his back to peek at me through his side window, and I almost raised my hand to stop him, but even raising my hand would require me to cross the road and run like Usain Bolt, so I accepted my fate and walked to the station with the hope that the next bus wouldn't take so long to move. I wish I stopped him though, because if I don't hop on that creaky old bus in a week, I'm going to lose a bit of my sanity..

I hopped on an unfamiliar bus, which was weird because I' ve been on bus rides for almost two years now but I've never been on this one. It was madly packed because that's the way it is with buses that move around peak hours, which is why I love my usual bus and not this one. It's funny how much a 30 minute difference can make.

I sipped my coffee because everything was beginning to feel tiring. I went from feeling sad and sleepy to being fully awake, alert, and delirious in just 30 minutes. The loud music from the radio that muffled my own music from my walkman no longer bothered me. I listened to the Pokémon Johto theme and smiled to myself—what an appropriate song to listen to at the beginning of a new sem that requires me to view things with a different attitude, I ponder to myself.

Listening to the conversations of makciks, looking out of the window like a sad wanderer, things just felt so OK after all, even when I didn't expect my day would be that way.

As I hopped off the bus, I walked to the junction of my home, and Mak Cik Neighbour was there, in a car, sitting at the passenger seat. As her husband drove out of the junction, I raised my hands and smiled broadly to her, thinking of how funny it is—I may never see her at the bus stop and have small talks with her again, but just waving hi from afar like that is something not too bad. I think she will eventually know that I now have a different timetable.

Tomorrow will be another long day, another day to hop on the early morning bus, and another evening missing my favourite bus, but I guess that's OK. As much as I love living a predictable, scheduled, routine life, I guess a little bit of variation and challenges won't hurt.
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#25 Tuesday..

I'm not at my usual place for the first time today.

It feels so weird. 

And I feel as if I'm wasting such a good day--the sun outside is shining so brightly. It would have been a perfect day to go to the library and hop on bus rides.

I begin to think how Mak Cik Neighbour waited at the bus stop today and she's probably wondering what happened to me. 

And I begin to think how on earth am I going to find a way to tell my friends that I want to be alone at the library tomorrow (or the day after) during our three hour class gap. I really don't want to appear like a snob, but at the same time I am not willing to let go of my library routine. 

Maybe one day I should get out again on Tuesdays..

#24 Canned Coffee

Lyrics:

Took a sip 

of the drink 

you had 30 minutes ago 

Just to get the taste 

of how it is 

to be you 

Walked the path 

that you've left 30 minutes ago 

I wonder how 

it feels like 

to walk 

in your shoes 

Sometimes they say it's written 

In this life there's no escaping 

But do you ever find yourself dreaming? 

Dreaming of a better day 

And a reason for you to stay? 

Or do the questions simply fleet away? 

I'm not you and I'll never be 

But I see your smile that you never see 

And I will never know your story 

But you've sparked a light inside me 

Take a look 

at their faces 30 years ago 

Is this the job 

that mum and dad 

wanted you 

to do? 

If you could turn back the time 

to 30 years ago 

With big bright eyes, 

stars in the sky, 

you see your hopes 

way up high 

I'm not you and I'll never be 

I can't see the answers that will set yourself free 

For I will never know your story 

But I see your smile and you're good enough to me 

I see your smile and I wish that you can see 

You can change the world from wherever you may be 

You've showed me sometimes some things aren't meant to be 

So sip away the bitterness of that canned coffee 

Sip away the bitterness of that canned coffee 

Sip away the bitterness of that canned coffee. 

So I actually recorded this twice because I wanted to make one recording right away on the night I finished writing it, but I had to wake up before 5am the following day, so I made a quick audio recording on my phone first, just in case I'd die the next day without the chance to actually record this haha. Of course I'm kidding. I made a quick recording in case I forgot how I'm supposed to sing some parts.

This song is basically about many things. But the main thing is perhaps about the realities about adulthood, how we leave our innocent childhood dreams and do realistic jobs instead because there are bills to pay and mouths to feed.

I wasn't particularly in a good mood when I wrote this. In fact, it was my frustration that motivated me to pick up my guitar and hum something, then write something. Here's some stuff I wrote about the song that night:

Sorry I'm instablogging again. I've just had a pretty bad first day of the semester. So I drank that canned coffee I've been saving, and moments later I found some random lyrics appearing in my head. I've heard a very good advice some time ago--about choosing to write whenever you're very happy or very sad or very mad. It's funny because I felt so shitty on the ride home today, but I saw a road construction worker being half submerged in a drain, in the rain, and right now I'm thinking of adults all around the world trapped in shit jobs (I've seen many of them during my bus rides, and I personally know some adults who don't like their jobs) and now I'm singing about them. I'm singing about drinking coffee, becoming adult, and looking at the faces of frustrated men and women who have their dreams crushed. Damn, why is this coffee giving me the feels?

I'd actually love to write about what came into my mind when I wrote those individual verses, but I'm feeling a bit lazy now.

Technically I've been wanting to write a song with this theme for quite a long time. But no, this theme had never really concerned me before all these bus rides I'm having. The bad day and seeing the road construction worker half submerged in the drain, in the rain, were two main things which finally made this song happen. Everything else is an accumulation of thoughts after:

• almost every day listening to dad complain about his job and colleagues
• seeing the face of the detached driver and wondering whether he's like my dad too, hating what he's doing
• seeing how out of place the political spy driver looks like, and whether his mum and dad had higher expectations on him when he was younger
• seeing how someone close to me was hopeful of an ambition that someone didn't agree on
• seeing myself weirdly being OK to live an 'average' life, after almost killing myself for failing to become a fucking doctor lol
• seeing the faces of other strangers on bus rides and wondering what their childhood dreams were, and how many of them are actually living up to their potentials
• and most importantly, seeing people working hard yet can still smile and appear like they love their job although they're living some sort of ordinary, simple life.

There you have it, this song is basically just thoughts and stories of some people who I know and who I don't really know. 

And I'm happy I wrote this. It might not be my personal best, but it was created right from my heart.

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#23 Underestimating 5.30

I'm having an earlier day than usual. In fact, it's a bit unusual for me to blog in the morning but hey, I'm feeling like it. This blogger app makes life easier too lol.

With a new set of enthusiasm and a reminder that hey, you only have a bad day if you think it's a bad day, I started my day at 4.50am feeling completely awake. Perhaps it was because of the coffee I had yesterday evening.

Today is a special day because I made a new resolution: to hop on the first bus in the morning to head to my 8am class. The one and only time I have ever done this was when the car broke down and I had no other options. I remember that was when I wrote the song with the lyrics I breathe in ice and my lungs spit smoke while grey clouds cover up eyes of hope. I was that depressed, alright. The lyrics meant: Fuck the air is so cold in the morning but it's damn polluted and I feel like coughing up this black fume and damn I can't see anything good in my future. Hah! Genius, right?

Anyway, let's get back to this morning. I walked out of the house at exactly 5.30am, only to feel a bit horrified that it's so fucking dark outside and perhaps that's why my mum insisted that I should wake her up and let her walk me to the bus stop, but I refused. I left home like a thief and a street kid at the same time, but felt slightly stupid for underestimating how dark it is and how hard it is to cross the main road when you can't see the shape of the vehicles, but only their lights. Not that it mattered though. Plus, it's a lot easier to cross at 5.30 than say, 5.50 when there are a lot more vehicles.

As I approached the junction, I saw an empty STC bus passing by, meaning it came from the station and is beginning it's first journey of the day. I cursed under my breath because I missed that one, but came to my senses that if I hopped on that one, it would mean I'd arrive at college at 6.30 and who the heck comes to college at 6.30? So I felt better again.

So I sat at the bus stop in the dark feeling stupid again because how the heck am I going to see the bus? Should I rely on my sense of hearing? And why on earth is there nobody around?

So I hummed James's Bay Let it Go just because it's my bus stop theme song (no reason actually..)

Then a mother and her daughter came at 5.40 and two makciks (who were already fully awake, chatting so enthusiastically) came at 5.50.

So my mind went aha. So there's this noob who came at 5.30, and there's these intermediate level passengers who came at 5.40 and now there's these two advanced level regulars at 5.50 who actually know the trick. So today I learnt something the textbook never taught me. And they all looked at me weird, sort of welcoming me to the early morning bus wanker club, but perhaps half terrified looking at me in my black hoodie sitting in the dark alone. I love terrifying people in my black hoodie. The looks they give me are always priceless. This isn't the first time I did so haa.

-Apparently I couldn't finish this blog post before class began, and now I'm back at home.-

So to pick up the story where I left it, hahh. Guess what? The bus arrived at 6.05am or something. And it was the air conditioned bus I was on yesterday evening, with the grumpy old driver. I sat at the front row because the bus was surprisingly full. It's a very interesting bus ride, because almost everyone there was either going to work, or going to the small towns to buy lauk and perhaps have breakfast, but the majority hopped off at the General Hospital, meaning, well, probably half of the bus had hospital appointments to attend. The demographics was so diverse that if you were a photographer I think you could capture the essence of suburban life in Kuching. I kid you not wehh.

I gave up my seat to a grandma and her little granddaughter. My mistake though was that I didn't take off my earphones, so when she didn't sit right away, I thought she refused to sit, so I repeated my invitation for her to sit there, and that made it twice, and now I begin to think I was sort of ordering her to sit, because apparently she didn't sit right away because the bus was moving fast and she wanted to wait for the bus to stop at the traffic light first. Told you I'm a fucking loser at communication skills.

Anyway right after the sun began to emerge I felt a great feeling inside me, a feeling of wow just wow woke up at 4.50 and now I'm at town at 7.30. I marched happily to college, feeling so alive and independent and capable of taking care of myself. As soon as I settled down, I took a selfie and sent to to my mum saying that I'm safe and sound because she sounded like I was going to leave for war or something when I told her I want to start riding the early morning bus.

Class was lol I still need time to adapt with this tutor who I barely know.

And the second subject was good because the tutor taught us last semester and she's alright. The schedule for these two subjects are clashing though so I might need to come to college on another day or time because the timing will be changed.

We had an introduction session because some of us were unfamiliar with each other. And I trembled and fidgeted for no real reason. I hate myself so much.

At the end of the lesson (which was a brief lesson because oh come on, it's the first week..) I marched to the station hoping I could catch a bus at a good enough timing, but I saw a full bus leaving. I almost wanted to stop it, but it looked so full and it was an air conditioned bus, so I was like well feck it, it's Friday and I won't die waiting for another emptier bus.

I then saw my favourite bus, but not a single soul was there. In front of it on the opposite side of the station, was another old bus, written 3A. And behind it was an air conditioned bus, also following the 3A route.

So noobs, welcome to Kuching, where the buses can confuse you and you don't know which one you should hop on. Of course, you could ask, but you need to ask the right people.

And here's your friend who is damn lazy to ask, so she hopped on option no. 2 since it was parked in front of the rest.

I assumed it would move at 10.30am, so I ate an untasty doughnut I bought earlier on, but it was good enough to keep my hunger away. I had no breakfast sobs sobs.

A woman then came, and told me the air conditioned bus will move at 11, so I was like okay let's just stay here because old buses are way cooler than new buses.

But minutes later the driver came, and looked at me, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I looked at him again (apparently in this life I am not the only hesitant person I have ever known). When I was about to ask him what time will the bus be moving, he pointed towards my favourite bus on the other side of the station, saying that one will move at 10.30am.

At that moment I swear I didn't know what to feel. It's good to be on that bus again, but dios mio, this is out of routine, and I've never came home before noon on any bus rides (well technically I used to come home this early before I got myself a library card..) and, and, my biggest fear was that..

What if the driver thinks I'm a stalker, a creep, a weirdo?

I went to that bus anyway lol.

After buying myself a small carton of milk (enough coffee for now..) and after resisting not to appear more like a thief (the tauke was looking at me suspiciously, I couldn't tahan not to thiefify myself because I enjoy seeing people looking at me suspiciously..), I boarded the bus again, right before the political spy driver approached me for the fare, and he gave me my third suspicious stare of the day.

Stare number 1: Look, daughter, there's a serial killer in black hoodie about to start a shooting spree at the dark bus stop!

Stare number 2: She's a milk shoplifter! Milk shoplifter! Better follow her as close as possible, just look at the way she's pretending to stare at the drinks confusedly!

Stare number 3: Oh hai it's you again, are you stalking me? What are you doing here on a Friday morning, stalking me like on your Tuesday evenings?

So yeah..I still love this bus ride anyway. It made my day, because for the first time I was on this bus on a sunny morning with the sky above me ever so blue, which is totally the opposite to my usual rides on this bus, always dark and gloomy and hahhh, raining.

I think a guy who hopped on the ride was my primary school classmate, but I didn't say hi, in case he wasn't him. But I was kind of sure. It saddened me a bit. Because we were new kids in school when we entered together at Primary 5. He was a bright kid, with a pretty handwriting, in fact so pretty for an 11 year old boy. We used to be friends, in some sort of way. At that age, your classmates were your friends. I have his biodata in my biodata book. Sometime in secondary school he mixed with the wrong crowd, and I heard his family fell apart or something, and he changed so much since then. It's pretty messed up, this life we're living. When I saw him on the bus I only remember him as that kid back in primary school.

Anyway the funny thing was that the two makciks who were on my ride to town happened to hop on my ride home from the small town nearby. I was like lel well hello we meet again.

And there was yet another mentally ill person on the bus. She didn't disturb anyone, but when the driver was explaining the route to some confused passengers, she joined in and muttered some random places around town.

Meanwhile, outside the window of the bus we observed how a group of men on motorcycles gathered for what seemed like a commotion, but was probably just catching Pokémons. A brawl would look interesting, and I have to admit now I'm happy I've stopped playing PokémonGo. Seeing people like this just makes the whole thing look ridiculous.

Apart from that there's nothing really much I could recall. I hopped off the bus after cheerfully saying thank you to the driver (and I legitly smiled, just to be extra creepy) and there goes my day.

I finished a song last night, that will probably be shared here soon.

Time for a long weekend before getting back to adapting myself to this weird new routine.

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#22 Bad First Day

I had my first day of classes for the new semester today and right now I'm feeling the need to get some things off my chest.

Well, things didn't go as expected, which is, well, fine, I can accept that. But having 13 more weeks of this kind of day is something I dread.

Last semester my first day was perfect, unexpectedly good, and the semester went well.

Today nothing nice happened. It was just like another day, but it's scarier than any other days because we had subjects that are going to be taken together with seniors who we barely know. As for the tutors, well, so far my instinct isn't leaning towards anything good but I guess I can't just assume things.

Things don't feel right at the moment. And I missed my usual bus home just now, just when I thought I needed to unwind for the day. Kinda pissed with certain things that I can't reveal here too, in case I get killed, or worse, expelled (the famous words of Hermione Granger lol).

The bus was so cold because it was air-conditioned. And I was so sleepy, because there was no wind gushing in like on STC buses where you can feel as if your problems get blown away by the wind too. My head is pounding right now.

The guy sitting next to me on the bus was sleeping so soundly, I had to wake him up when I wanted to get off the bus. At first I thought he was attractive but after staring at his sleeping face, I changed my mind instantly.

That's probably the funniest thing about today.

I'm beginning to feel fidgety again but it's in a bad way. I don't exactly know why.

Tomorrow is another day I dread but I guess things can only get better from here, right? It kinda sucks when you've lost the feeling of looking forward to something. Hmmh.
.

Edit: The second funniest thing that happened was perhaps the way I sprinted out of the classroom, across the road, then finally accepted that I missed the bus. Reaching the station, I struggled to get my RM5 out of the pocket of my slim fit jeans, and one of my 20 sen coins flung out of the pocket, comically (or rather, erh, tragically—depending on the way you see it) landing into a murky puddle (it had been raining earlier on), directly behind the front tyre of a bus. 80% of me wanted to pick it back, but 20% of the sensible me was determined that 20 sen isn't worth the risk of possibly getting my hands crushed if the bus suddenly moves. In the end I cursed under my breath and moved on with life.

And along the ride, I listened to some metal screamo and punk covers, before deciding to listen to Jake Bugg and imagine myself being as grumpy (but chill) as him. (I got out, I got out, I'm alive, and I'm here to stay.)

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#21 Goodbye, Tuesday Routine

I went through my Tuesday routine for the final time today. Received my new timetable and new things will be starting this Thursday. I will no longer be seeing my friend the Mak Cik Neighbour at the bus stop, because there's no more reason for me to hop on the 9am bus anymore. This also means I have to say goodbye to the Detached Driver and the Constantly Grinning Driver. I'll miss these familiar strangers. I'll miss my carefree Tuesdays. But that's just the way things go, I guess. Nothing lasts forever.

Good news is that there will be no classes on Mondays though, which is something I've been hoping for since forever, because I don't like wearing formal. This semester I can wear my trainers every time I go to college! Rejoice!

Apart from that I don't know what to expect. I'll be attending some classes taught by tutors who have never taught me before, so right now the goal is to stay half invisible and not be a smartass.

No new semester resolutions. Still thinking hard of a strategy to find time to stay at DBKU City Library to read books, but the new timetable doesn't seem to be helping much. And my favourite days to do so have been Tuesdays and Thursdays, but now I have to find a new Favourite Library Day.

Tuesdays have also been my Favourite Bus Ride Day and now I have to find a new day, and hopefully on that new day I still get to board my favourite bus back home.

Well. Time for a new routine, new adventures, new chances to meet people and learn and live life, however mundane or ordinary things may go, there are still magic hidden in them. Lemme paste a Roald Dahl quote I feel like pasting lol.

"The greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
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Also, my course coordinator thought my name was Nicholas. I think that isn't such a bad name to be remembered by lol.

#20 Ohtober

Oh. Where did September go?

My mind is still in July, to be honest. It felt like yesterday that I went to Bangkok. And now we're coming towards the end of the year already. What a weird feeling, looking at my calendar and seeing all the huge crosses over boxes of days that had passed. 

So on my first day of September I was on the last bus from town, arriving home at 7pm.

Today I've been at home, and I can't really recall what I did apart from flipping pancakes, having a really good lunch, singing and playing guitar, checking my results, drinking coffee, reading, and trying to get one of my nieces to laugh at me because after 3 months of not seeing each other, she looks at me without any expressions on her face.

I'm in the middle of five books, (eight if you count the other three that I read a bit and haven't been reading in a while) and it's a bit tricky to read at home. 

My results were unexpectedly okay (it's always the subject that you least expect to ace that somehow becomes the subject you score the highest) and although the grades aren't perfect, I'm quite surprised on how cool I am these days. I even managed to tell my dad that well nothing in this world is perfect (verbatim) and he said those grades are good enough, which is, well, surprising.

I'm not so obsessed with grades these days. It's funny. Because Mike said when you let go of all of the shit, you'll see that things will turn out fine (I can't remember his exact words though) but it's so true. But to remind myself next semester on what to do so that I don't freak out the week before finals, I guess I should try to recall what I really did and let's see if I can recycle those methods to achieve something similar next semester.

Wait, I don't think I did anything special. But I recall staying at the library for hours just to copy notes and not really trying to memorise them. Come to think of it, I don't think exams and grades really show how smart and pandai and bijak you are. Just like how I can't explain why the fuck I never scored any A's in Intec, I can't explain how the fuck I get A's in this uni. Does it all boil down to one important variable--mental health? Or luck? Or really how bijak you are? But it's two different things, these courses, so I can't really tell anything when my friends ask me how I get the grades that I get. It's really tricky, so every time someone asks me what grade did I get I freak out and don't know whether I should lie or tell the truth. Because I feel so berlagak when I say out that alphabet, and it makes me feel...dirty. Because I know how bad it feels when you're on the other side. People here look at me as if I've been scoring A's all my life but they don't know I was the second from the bottom in my previous class lol. But you can't explain stuffs like that to people. But it's still sad, cos they think they're all alone and I don't know what they're feeling. Amigo, I've been there, you want to say. But they won't believe you. 

Anyway that went emo real fast but I'm glad I've lived to experience being on both sides. It's a nice thing to think about, sometimes. It's like it gives you the licence to actually feel a legit understanding on other peoples situations, in a way. To explain that in easier words, well I used to tell my ex housemate that I'd buy Nick Vujicic's words but I'll find it harder to buy the words of a richass celebrity preacher who spews to you motivational shit every weekend. Like dude, what hardship did you face to give you the rights to tell me that I should do what you tell me to do? 

Again, sorry that went off topic a bit.

I completed something last night and it's a nice feeling because it was around 3am or something and then I realised I accomplished something on the first day of a new month. I'm not sure about telling about it or showing it to anyone, but I am really tempted to. The problem is I'm afraid it's not good enough and I'll receive some embarrassing feedback and that's going to surely stop me from going to the next step, which is the step. As in the step that's going to become the final verdict. And now the thing is literally under my bed, and I'm still not sure whether that step should be taken. I don't have much time to think about it, but there's this excited side of me that's really eager to bring this thing out to the world because I really love it and well, sort of proud of it. And that's why I'm afraid. Because most of the time you do stuffs and feel so proud of it but it's only you who thinks you did a good job. Anyway it's best not to think too much about it, I guess.

Well that's all. Highlight of today is: results and the thing that I completed. Boring life, boring life.

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