#13 Strangers

As I sit alone in a crowd of strangers, thinking of them as my crowd of strangers, I can't help thinking about how it is a thousand times easier to like someone when you know almost nothing about them.

Finals is less than one week away and it's really taking its toll on me. 

It's not that I am freaking out that I won't be able to achieve my targeted grades, but it's more like, well, I don't really know. This past week hasn't been really good, to be honest. And I'm trying very hard not to allow myself to be dragged into that same old place I used to dwell in.

It's funny, because it all started from one simple thing and it triggered the rest. And it didn't stem from strangers, it stemmed from people who I know too well.

I thought I've gotten over it. But when an uncle kept on asking me about when am I going to finally graduate, and my grandma made an unfunny joke about how I used to chase for something far and look at me now, chasing for something so close instead, I begin to question why the fuck could I become so happy in the past few months. And as I sat on the bus, letting my thoughts wander, I begin to realise, this is why I've loved strangers more than some of my own family members in the past few months. Because they never hurt me, they never hurt me this much.

And it's the strangers that taught me how OK it is to be imperfect and angry and eccentric and broken. 

And the more I think about it, the more I yearn for more days alone, on creaky STC buses, and more days sitting alone in the library pretending that I'm studying and reading while the truth is I'm just running away, I'm just running away. 

Because my own bedroom isn't heaven anymore. The bus stop is heaven. The bus stop where my skin gets stung by the late morning sun, the bus stop where hundreds of cars whizz past me, that's heaven now. And the bus rides, they occasionally smell like piss and sweat, but they don't matter, because I'd rather sit there inhaling that compared to the stuffy air in my bedroom. And I don't really understand why. 

And the library is my heaven now. Because no one screams and shouts and asks me stupid questions, but there's always some familiar faces, familiar, yet they're all strangers, and they smile at me and do nothing more than that. And that alone is a thousand times better being with people who know you well but never encourage you to be happy. 

Come to think of it, maybe that's why I've been happy in the past few months. I had a routine. I had a routine I could stick to. And nobody interrupted that routine, not until these recent weeks, and everyone I know is stressed out, and it's a cycle. 

And maybe, just maybe, I'm just a stranger that belongs in a crowd of strangers.

#12 Thailand Trip: A Reflection

It's been 2 weeks since my trip to Thailand, but I haven't been having the time to sit down properly and blog about it. After coming back, I had to go through some amount of struggle to chase deadlines and catch up with some work, and boy, it wasn't so pleasing to realise that how funny life is--one moment you're somewhere else having the time of your life, and bamm, another moment, you find yourself dying in front of the laptop for half of the day trying to complete your assignments.

So here I am right now, because not writing anything at all about it would be such a waste. 

My trip to Thailand, you could say, was well, kind of an unplanned move. 

In less than 3 weeks, I made a decision to yell YOLO at the top of my lungs, made my passport without the knowledge of my dad, took out some cash from my account that have been undisturbed since well, I don't know. I've never really disturbed my money. I was a kid who had plans to become rich by 30 with a good financial plan and an apartment unit in front of Kuching International Airport but damn it, the temptation was too huge. Screw all the financial plans, screw all the dreams of having lots of money in the bank account.

It all began with a joke actually. And me being me, I said no. I love my parents too much to burden them. I love my money too much to spend them. And I love my life principles too much to screw them.

In fact this semester I've been thinking of getting a part-time job to support my own basic needs. I am aware of the fact that my dad isn't getting a lot younger, and I'm getting older, and some sort of responsibility should kick in right now. And I've been a money-saver all my life. When I was in secondary school, things didn't come easy. I had to save my lunch money if I wanted a new novel, or a new copy of Detective Conan, or a pirated copy of a VCD. And my life principle? I want to be able to support myself financially as soon as I can. My greatest nightmare would be, well, becoming a burden to my parents financially and non-financially at the age when I'm supposed to become independent.

And now that you've read all that, by now you should realise how I was supposed to say no, I don't want to go to Thailand, because no, I can't afford it.

And that statement is sort of a lie.

Because folks, I can afford a trip to Thailand. The bigger question was, well, how much am I willing to sacrifice? And how much YOLObility do I possess?

And after ruminating on the pros and cons and waking up the next morning telling my mum about it, I decided that it's about time to end all this waiting, and it's about time to give myself a little break.

But folks, hit pause. What happens to Queen? What happens to the promise that we had?

And I became a bit sad, because Queen asked me about going to Thailand together a few years back, and I declined, because I was young, stupid, and so filled with fears and doubt.

She was so cool about it though, upon hearing my plans, and I swear, there were many times in Bangkok and Ayutthaya when I promised myself that there will be a next time, and that time I'll be there again with Queen. 

My dad didn't know anything about this plan, not until the very same day I collected my passport, and I came home, and my grandpa was there, and we were drinking tea, and my sister helped to say out everything, and suddenly thunder and lightning appeared. But well, quite ironically, my dad was cool about it.

Maybe it's because of the fact that he knew I don't spend money that much. And he knew I wasn't going to commit anything stupid. And heck, I wasn't going with a guy. And I was going there under adult supervision. 

And me, being me, waited patiently and paranoidly for the day to arrive, hoping that I don't die right before I get the chance to set foot in Bangkok. Because, dang, that would be a waste of money.

And the day came, and I was glad to dodge two social events that I would've be forced to get involved in if I was in Kuching.

KLIA: A Reflection

It's weird to think of the fact that since three years ago I've been trapped (quite literally) in Kuching. in 2011-early 2013 I've been hopping on planes till the point that I've become bored of them, but now, my excitement of getting into flights has been restored.

It's an amusing feeling, the feeling of becoming a child once again. To have that very same excitement a child experiences when you see the cars and buildings get smaller and when you see those fluffy clouds. I used to lose that excitement. And now I see that as a privilege. Look at all those people who've been flying a bit too frequently. They never really appreciate these kind of things. I don't blame them though. I was just like that before everything was taken away from me.

And although I've been born in UK, and had the privilege of boarding international flights at a young age, it's funny to think that I was in the international departures zone of KLIA for the first time in more than a decade. It's something weird to think of, how great my childhood used to be, and look at me now, I'm nobody, living an average life. I couldn't help thinking that how funny life can be. People look at me now and think that I'm this native kid going to an average university living an average life with minimal achievements but they don't know my full story and my aspirations. Who I used to be. What I could've achieved. And what I will achieve.

If I didn't go through all of these I don't think I'd be able to appreciate the fact that I was there at that moment. And I was sad that I didn't have my mum there with me. Because if she was there, if I waited a bit and decided to have a trip until I can afford it for both of us, I'd be grinning from ear to ear while hugging her. Because damn it, it's just going to Thailand, but it was something big for me. Childhood innocence in adults is a real thing. 

Thailand's Airspace: A Reflection

How is it possible that an individual can see the land of a country one has never set foot on, but it felt like coming home? 

I was overwhelmed the moment I saw the land from afar. This is going to sound comically dramatic, but I rarely experience this feeling, this feeling of coming back to somewhere I belong, to a place I yearn to be. And that was exactly the feeling that I felt, and I swear, at that moment, I almost cried for no reason.

Bangkok: A Reflection

My ears! My ears! They rejoice! My pointy elf-ears rejoice at the sound of the language I've only been hearing through my headphones within the confinements of my bedroom!

My mouth! It finally had the chance to say out words in a language I've been diligently practising alone since 11 years old! 

My proficiency was tested the moment we got ourselves a taxi from the airport. The taxi driver asked "Are you guys Thai people" (in Thai language) as I was about to enter the taxi. Confidently, I answered "Mai chai!" and there you have it folks, the beginning of my first conversation in Thai language with a real Thai person. It was a fun journey to the hotel, spotting artistes on billboards, reading the hotel's phone number in Thai, talking about Thai singers, asking about buildings and roads and places, speaking a mixture of both broken Thai and broken English, and most important of all, getting complimented by a complete stranger. My first memory in Bangkok was a great one. 

I will never forget Khun Samran and Khun Bas, the two taxi drivers we met on the first day, and I can't stop thinking that my trip to Bangkok wasn't just about the places and the tourist attractions. It was more than that. Me being me, this trip gave me an opportunity to witness and experience something I've always loved thinking about in my own hometown: the people.

Bangkok, or at least the part of Bangkok where our hotel was located, is a place filled with tired people. At 8pm there are still people waiting for buses, people walking along the streets with tired eyes, and it's these people who I love paying attention to. Because they all have an untold story, I believe. It's like looking at tired faces of people on STC buses in Kuching, but it's a whole new level of tired faces altogether. We're talking about the streets of Bangkok here. Cars change lanes in a split seconds, honks are generously given, and crossing the roads require a certain amount of bravado. 

Apart from that, there's nothing really much I wish to write about. There's an abundance of 7-11's (where the cashier spoke Thai to me and I pretended I was Thai too by answering him in Thai), the air is as dense as Kuching on a warm afternoon, there's nothing really surprising about the weather as I'm very used to walking under the blazing sun, street food doesn't impress me because I'm not a westerner who gets amazed too easily by street food, and well, I told you. It's just like coming home. Except for the fact that it's different, but quite the same as home.

The architecture of buildings is to die for. I wish to return when I have a better camera. Or at least a better phone with a good camera.

And Chatuchak Market is a place where I could spend a thousand Bahts on t-shirts alone, because seriously, they're cheap and they match my standards of t-shirts. I have my own t-shirt standards, yo.

And I'd also like to highlight on how annoying and rude tourists can be. I've developed a completely high level of hate to tourists who have no amount of respect to others (and self-respect) regarding personal space, cleanliness, and well, I could continue to rant on but let's just summarise it into something more comprehensible. My point is, well, I don't think I have a point. Tourist attractions are called tourist attractions for a reason, and tourists ruin these places with their bad attitude.

This may sound abrupt, but as this is supposed to become a reflective post instead of a narrative one, let me end my Bangkok story here.

Wat Phra Kaeo. If this photo was taken at
a completely different angle,
you'd see a sea of tourists' heads.

Ayutthaya: A Reflection

Wat Mahathat. I could spend the whole day here roaming around.

Going to Ayutthaya was like reading my sister's Southeast Asia History STPM Textbook in a real setting. I was 11 when I heard of Ayutthaya for the first time. It was a Thai drama that educated me about it. One of the characters ran away to Ayutthaya. And I was like, wow, that's a cool name for a province.

My reflection about this place didn't kick in immediately. It came after the trip, a few days when I was already at home, showing some of the pictures to my dad, and he asked me one important question.

"How old is this place?"

And bammm. Only then I realised that wow, I was standing in a place that old. It's easy to forget when you're at that place itself, feeling so excited and in awe with the surrounding. 

Other Stuffs

As much as I didn't want the trip to end, it had to end. 

This is my first experience travelling as an adult, and I can say that it opened my eyes to some things that well, amazes me. 

I was so paranoid about safety, about pickpockets, about taxi drivers, and other stuffs, but well it's funny that those thing will happen if they're bound to happen, and they won't happen if they don't happen, so yeah, it's just like any other day in life.

And I'd love to say more but this is a public space and I have to control myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, well, I'll pretend to ask some questions to myself and I'll answer myself.

Would you want to travel to Thailand again?

Yes. 100% sure. I'll visit more Wats. I'll even go to places that aren't tourist attractions. I'll ride a train to go to other provinces. I'll go to Chiang Mai. And I yearn to go to Sukhothai, after all the experiences in Ayutthaya. 

Would you go to Thailand alone?
Yes. I'd love to travel solo.

Overall feeling about this trip?
Can't move on. Yearning to explore more places.

Wat Arun, my favourite Wat I think, out of all the Wats I've went to.
I went in alone while Kezia and her mum waited outside.

Wat Pho. 

Self-explanatory photo.

You ain't a true bookworm if you visit
 a different country but don't check out their bookstores.

I've been to (part of) Chula yayy.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing though. Some I can share, some I think I better keep to myself. I don't think I deserve this trip when I think about it again and again. But part of me wants to believe that after all the shit I've been through, I deserve a break. But somehow the guilt is there, a small tint of guilt, I'd say. But enough to make me feel sad about a few things that I don't really feel like elaborating.

I don't regret my decision to go. It was a good decision, a good opportunity that emerged at a good timing. 

Chances like these don't come easily for me. 

And because of that, I'm writing this post. I won't be writing this if I didn't dream of going to Thailand since 11 years old. It was a dream come true.

And that alone, is enough to make me feel grateful, I guess. I'd be greedy if I asked for more. And if it wasn't because of Kezia and her mum, I wouldn't be there this soon.

I know that one day I'll look back and tell myself what a lucky ***** I am. 

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