I'm making myself sad again at 2am and I don't know why I'm allowing this to happen.
I'm suddenly missing my childhood, and missing a life that I'll never have, and that's just kind of stupid, really.
I accidentally clicked on an old folder in my laptop, a folder containing scanned photos of my childhood and I'm suddenly feeling sad of all the missed chances in life.
Hours earlier, my sister shared a picture posted by John Mayer about how sure he wanted to become a musician as early as the age of 13.
I'm not saying that I want to become a musician, but sometimes I wonder about the missed chances in life. What if I attended guitar classes the moment I first picked up guitar when I was 12? There's a kid in church who recently picked up a traditional musical instrument and his parents have been really supportive. He's progressing fast, with all the circles of professionals he's surrounded with. It makes me wonder again about privileges in life and how privileges correlate with chances.
Then as I look at my old photos of childhood I just can't stop thinking why the hell I didn't think of following dad's footsteps and enter the Navy when I finished secondary school. I could've applied to UPNM. But why didn't I do so? These days I keep on thinking it's such a waste that I didn't grab the chance when it was right in front of me. It's too late now. In the past few months I've been thinking a lot of joining the Navy. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of seeing dad getting older. It's very stressful to be the youngest in the family. I live with a constant urgency to become someone, something, a person my parents can be proud of, because I fear I don't have much time.
At this point I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm currently listening to Ed Sheeran's sad new songs from his new album and it makes me feel worse. I know I shouldn't be worrying, but my heart is aching, aching because I've screwed some pretty good opportunities in life and here I am, barking about privileges and how some people seem to have everything prepared for them.
I'm not saying I regret anything though. It's just that this year I think my fear has grown bigger. Real fears, not petty fears like the fear of failure and all that. Fears related to your loved ones, your parents, specifically. Is this just one of the thoughts that attack you as you get older? Is this normal? Am I overthinking again?
