Random Evening Thought

It’s kinda funny that as you grow older you sorta learn more things about yourself that you thought you’ve already known.

I mean it’s your own body, own soul, you’ve literally been you your whole life but there’s so much more to know? Weird.

Take for instance last week I’ve just known for the first time that I’m actually allergic to shrimp and crab.

Then this evening it dawned upon me that I don’t know myself quite well after all.

Last year I’ve just discovered that I don’t have much of an impressive pair of lungs—my voice capacity isn’t as loud as a lot of people I know in my new profession. 

And today I just can’t help but ponder, perhaps if another me existed I won’t bother to befriend her or get to know her better. She’s way too eccentric for my liking. And probably that’s why he didn’t choose me in the end?

While there are things I like about myself, like my level of empathy and sensitivity, I sometimes wish I was more popular, more likable, more magnetic. 

but I guess we have to make do with what we have.  

Walking into 2023

 It comes in waves, really. They were right about it.

One moment you thought you’d be fine without them, but some nights it just comes creeping. The times you’ve shared with them, the deepest secrets you’ve opened up and showed them, the vulnerable parts of you that you’ve trusted them to take care of. It sends a lump in your throat, and you just can’t stop wondering why things had to turn out the way it did.

I walked into 2018 not knowing I’d meet him. A soft-spoken man who made me feel included, protected, loved and cared for. I looked up to him, he was my best friend, we shared interests and jokes only we could understand. I felt understood, I felt heard, I felt that the Universe finally sent me someone who understood my humour and thought that I was cute and lovable.

How did things just crash and vanish, I really don’t know. If you say it’s a lesson, that that’s the way of life—that the temporariness of everything is what makes it special, well to be honest after six months without him I still can’t see it that way.

While I understand that impermanence is part of life and sometimes you just can’t stop someone from leaving, nights like tonight I still wonder why it all had to happen, why I had to meet him, why I had to share my special bits with him, because the memories pain me so much. The way we shared that bond, and in the end turn into strangers like this, the way I’m dying to know whether he still thinks of me the same—this silence, the days when I miss him so intensely and would kill to hear his voice again, to hug him and to giggle with him over a stupid joke we share. 

I don’t understand anything about how this could happen from the start. And I’ve spent the last half of 2022 without him, somehow. Walking into 2023 without him shouldn’t pain me this much, but the hurt is still there, lingering, like a ghost, a black figure, jeering at me over my mistake of trusting a man who in the end didn’t fight to choose me. 

Will it get easier? I hope so. I want to believe it will get easier, that I will find someone better, that I will forget him. I want to stop clinging onto the memories ai had with him. 

This year, I want to heal. I want to experience kindness, I want to be reminded it’s ok to have made that mistake of choosing someone who in the end abandoned you. I want to forgive and let go, and stop fighting against something I have no control over. 

Forgive me, Universe. I just want a life filled with love.