I may have grown a bit more optimistic over the months, but I still need a daily reminder of this.
I still find myself frequently repeating the same statement in my head.
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
But a few days ago my little niece and my sister left home to return to their own home, which is quite a distance from home, and I had a class that was going to start at 11am. I had to catch the 9am bus. (I don't drive these days--we'll get to that story in another post.)
You know the thing about family is that when one leaves, you'll feel that emptiness, no matter how hard you try to deny it. It feels weird to not be at home when a family member leaves. So I kinda hated the idea that I needed to go to school on that day.
I also hate the part of waiting for the bus at the bus stop. I'm fine of waiting, but I hate the cat-calling and honks from men who simply cannot imagine how it feels like if their own daughters or siblings are objectified. Oookay, I know some of you are going to say "But it's just for fun!" but come on people, can we all have a little bit of manners please?
For a few weeks straight the bus has always arrived exactly at 9am, but that day I was beginning to feel a little bit irritated when I discovered that a) the bus might have came earlier and I've missed that one or b) the bus is going to be late.
As if jeering at my situation, a dog across the road decided to poop right in front of me.
I was beginning to feel cranky. Beginning to think of it as a bad sign of a bad whole day. Oh you know too well how we've been influenced to think this way.
Luckily, I was reminded of something I've read a few months back, about how you are in charge of your day. There's really no such thing as a "bad day". It's just a matter of perception.
Wow. Surprising innit?
Surprising that how 2 to 3 years ago I was totally incapable to having these thoughts.
My bus arrived 15 minutes later, and it was a different bus driver. I like him because he's often really warm and courteous towards his passengers. I remember wishing him happy new year last year.
There's really nothing much to tell about a bus ride, but I like how relaxing it can be. I like how I can allow myself to think, but not focus too much on it, as if letting my mind wander, but still taking control on it. Like flying a kite, maybe, if that's even a legit analogy.
So I thought of Syed Azmi, about spreading kindness, about improving myself, because life isn't just about me caring about complete strangers, but also my own family members and my friends, which is, I admit, a lot harder to do. So what's the point of being kind to strangers if you can't even have a consistent effort to care for your family and friends. Oh, the big questions in life..
I also thought about coffee, because I love coffee and I know how older people love coffee too, and what if one day I start this project called COFFREE or freeCOFfee or something because I used to ask people to call me FEE, and you know, that's kind of a cool thing to give away for free to strangers because people who love coffee knows well how coffee can make a difference in their lives. (I become more loving and warm and active after a can of Nescafe Latte, and I would love to spread the love and warmth and activeness to others if I could). But I don't want to give it just like that. You're going to question my intentions of sharing this here but please this is not for the sake of karma-whoring and telling the world how generous I am because man, I haven't even started this project yet and I'm not even sure if it's going to happen anyway. It's just some sort of seed to an idea that may or may not be planted. I don't think I have many readers anyway so I guess it's a safe space to write it down. So basically about the part where I said I don't want to just give it away like that, I mean, I don't want people to recognise me (sort of contradicts to the fact why I posted this here, I know) but I think there's a reason why my personality is kinda confusing. Why am I always eager to make a move, but too hesitant about it? Why do I love being in the limelight, but at the same time, I feel uncomfortable about it? It makes the whole ideation of staying anonymous more appealing to me, but would you drink a can of coffee left anonymously for you? Oh the big questions in life...
So I was thinking about coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. when suddenly a sachet of Nescafe 3-in-1 dropped right in front of my eyes.
Dramatic, I know.
It wasn't really in front of my eyes but it was in the scope of my vision, belonging to a young woman seated on the opposite aisle. She placed her plastic of lunchbox right next to her and inside it she also kept the coffee sachet. For some reason the plastic shifted and the sachet decided to drop on the floor behind her seat and she was totally unaware of this. The old woman behind me ignored the situation. I was in some sort of shock because I was really thinking of coffee at that very moment. (dios mio, is this a sign from the Holy Spirit? /s). Sorry. I just had to.
So there must've been 20 to 30 minutes moment of indecision whether to tell her or not (I still suck, I still find myself thinking too much sometimes). But I ended up waving at her and she was looking at me as if I was a creep and I simply said "Kopi jatuh!"
Nehh..it wasn't that hard pun.
As a reward, I received a super warm smile from her and she said thank you. And I was like OMG THIS IS WHY I LOVE RIDING BUSES!
So there you have it.
I began thinking again,
that I am where I am supposed to be.
That's really the point of the story.
I'm tired of the days where I prayed so much, "GOD, USE ME!!" but then I never really realised how God really uses all of us in our daily lives. We just don't realise it sometimes because we're too busy praying for Him to use us in big, showy ways. We all want to do big, important stuffs. Be part of cool Christian movements. Make an impact that reaches thousands. But maybe sometimes we fail to see that there is beauty in dull routines. There is beauty in boring same old actions. There is always a chance to make a difference, despite being stuck in a place where nothing seems to be moving or improving.
We are all where we're supposed to be. Right now. At this very moment.
