Of Dreams and Fears

I dreamed last night. It wasn't a nightmare, but part of it was scary.

I dreamed that I broke my leg. I'm not sure whether I am a superstitious person, but truth be told, I actually Googled the meaning of it. (Yes, I should not be admitting that, I know.)

I'm tired of all these shitty dreams. Last year, I dreamed that I lost my luggage. Not once, but several times. I dreamed that I missed my flight.  And I start having sleep paralysis that I never remember having during my school years. 

I haven't gotten over many things. You think you've moved forward sometimes but the truth is you just choose to ignore problems instead of to solve them. Then you've taken so much of your time ignoring and pretending, it becomes some sort of a habit to keep on doing it. When you look back, it seems that nothing has actually changed at all. Sitcoms, books and music really help but it won't help you forever. 

I keep posting stuffs and deleting them because I fear people will hate me for what I've become. Sometimes I really want to tell the truth to everyone, but I'm afraid of seeing the outcome of my actions. And after watching a video on YouTube about how social media won't actually help you but harm you, I decided to take a step back from blogging and posting updates on Facebook. It's never too safe to reveal matters of the heart for the world to see. I've become sort of paranoid maybe. 

People keep on asking me why am I not taking any steps forward. Why am I not going for this, for that, and what's my next plan? What are you planning to do? Can you think of any feasible plan at the moment?

I wish I could tell them the reason why I don't want to keep in touch with too many people is because I want to avoid these questions. I even avoid seeing my relatives. I avoid ex-schoolmates and teachers at all costs. I avoid my neighbours. I don't want any questions, and I don't want any false sympathy either. You'll never get what it feels like until you've had the same thing happen to you. Sure it's not the end of the world, yes there are bigger sufferings in this world, and I should be thankful for many other things that I have. But it's still something you never want to experience.

I have my own reasons for everything. I wish I could tell you so easily, but it's not something easy to do. 

Why am I wasting the years of my life. Why am I treating myself as if I was never someone who believed in my own capabilities. 

I hate the fact that I believed in so many lies told by others and by myself. Yes, I put some amount of blame on others after what had happened. But then I realised that it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm the one who is to be blamed. And that makes it hurt more. In the end I just find myself having days where I blame myself and blame others equally. Not a healthy thing to do, I know. But again, what if this happened to you? Would you respond differently? 

If there's one thing that I want to tell the world right now, I really want to tell how does it feel like to have experienced failure. It makes you feel lonely at times. You want to keep in touch with many people and catch up with old classmates and friends but you have to risk the situations where you'll be asked on what are you doing right now. It's not something comfortable to talk about unless you believe that the person really cares and not just being curious. It's like having a broken leg because you climbed an apple tree to steal the apples. Or being gay. Or getting pregnant at 15. You just don't want to talk about some things, and in the end you just stop talking at all.

If you happen to be reading this, please don't leave a comment. No, I'm not playing the reverse psychology thingy, whatever that means. I just need a place to speak, using my own real identity, without having to know who is reading. It lessens the loneliness and the fear of being judged.