Wanting Things

It's hard to have so many wants. It's hard when everything is never enough.

One year ago, on this day, I faced one of the most life-changing experience in my life. It's hard to say whether I'm over it or not. Sometimes it feels like it's a big lie to say you can completely forget a bad experience. It doesn't move away. It's just you who gets busier and eventually have less time to think about it.

Lately I've been having the thoughts of things I always wanted but never had the chance to get. All my life I've been always wanting things. The last time I felt this way was when I was in secondary school. I kind of stopped feeling this way when I left home, but coming back home seems to amplify it more.

I always compared myself with my friends when I was younger. Friends in school had cool stuffs - stylish phones and gadgets, chances to attend cool stuffs, music classes, all those things you really want as a teen. I used to question why I never get the chances that I crave for. I stopped questioning after I left school.

I don't know why is this feeling coming back to me. The feeling of wanting things but never getting it. But now it seems to get bigger. Last time it was about gadgets and items, now it's more about life chances. Opportunities. Wanting to be accepted. Wanting equality and not a single experience with injustice. 

But the more I want it all, the more I see others gain more. The more I feel that I've lost more than I have gained.

I see people who get what they don't really want but I'd kill to get what they have gotten. Sometimes I picture myself being in their positions. Surely there is someone out there who'd be looking at me that way too, I guess. It's so wrong to grumble but sometimes I just end up thinking of it.

Today I'm just angry. You know after a bad thing happens to you, you just want to get better. You always want to keep on achieving...because that's the only way you get to feel alive. And you say you don't want to live just to prove things to others, but hell, that's the thing. You always want to keep on proving that you can do it. And that makes it tougher.

Because you start to see that people will make your journey tougher. We humans are disgusting beings who think that we are threats to each other. We get paranoid when others do better. And the worst thing is when we try to drag someone to the bottom, without any reasons at all. We judge before we listen to their stories.

I hate educators who ruin a student's life. I really hate them. People say doctors deal with huge responsibilities - but if I died in the hands of a screwed up doctor, that would be the end of my story. Educators can screw up too, especially by practising injustice and that's going to screw up a student's life forever. You think it's a small case? Yeah, small case it is then. But the psychological effect is daunting. One or two marks might mean a lifetime to a student, especially to someone who has learnt that a single stupid mistake can cause a few years of her lifetime. And a lot amount of money. And a loss of many other life opportunities. And even worse, a whole lifetime.

Life is not unfair. God is not unfair. It's the people around us who keeps on making unfair decisions, and the worse part is when they're proud of it and they think it's just a small case. I used to have a teacher who told the class that "being fair is good, but tough", and I respect him for admitting that he can't be fair all the time and he's uncomfortable about that fact.

On a lighter note, I really want a new phone but I don't think I want it that much. 

On a serious note, I can't believe it's been one year. Maybe that's why I've been feeling crappy today.

My feelings are damn complicated.