Avoiding the World

We shook hands. We finally shook hands after about 4 or 5 times I've successfully avoided him in the course of a year.

A year! And I thought I could get away with it.

This time there was no more running away. No more place to run, because I wasn't at home. I didn't have my room, my haven, my magic little mousehole.

Smile and shake hands, I told to myself. Just smile and get ready for the ultimate question.

Oh, ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? 

I knew it. I knew it. He was going to ask this.

Back then, the question that I hated the most in college was "When are you going back home?" which was frequently asked before any short holidays. And the answer was always, well umm, "I'm not going back."

ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? is now officially my new most hated question.

>Sending a birthday wish to an old acquaintance:

Me: Happy birthday!

Old acquaintance: Thanks! Are you back for the holidays?

>Bumping into an old classmate's mum at a Sunday market (out of all places...)

Me: *smile*

Woman: OH YOU'RE BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS??

>Seeing an old relative who I avoided for one year:

Me: *Shake hands* 

(Let's call him grandpa..): ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

Then haha, of course I had to do some explanation. Did I tell you that the world doesn't like short answers? They're never satisfied with short answers!

Where are you now then?...

What course are you taking?...

What really happened?...

And I find my brain developing new theories about this person who I'm talking to. I analyse his face. I recall his past judgements. I weave all of these thoughts together like I'm weaving a traditional mat. Let's call this whole business as a mental presumption. 

I recall him sitting at one of the sofas in my home, talking about an uncle who is gay. Or who he assume is gay. I recalled how he made his theories about failed parenting, and I could sense the sneer in his voice as he said how gay this uncle is.

I recall him frequently asking about a failed marriage which occurred to someone close in my life. How he crafts his questions carefully to get answers but never providing anything beneficial. No advice, no nothing. All I ever heard was judgement by judgement. A thousand little hypotheses, zero solutions. Zero compassion.

I shook his hands. 

I still shook his hands.

But my mind was wandering.

She must've had a boyfriend.

She must've had too much fun.

She wasn't so bright after all.

She mixed with the wrong kind of people.

If he could sneer at a homosexual, if he could sneer at a marriage that failed, he could absolutely sneer at me.

And that's not important.

I thought those who spoke God's words, read God's words, and spread God's words ought to show compassion, but all that I'm seeing in this past one year is that what you show is not always what you practise. 

"Oh, come on, he's only human", you'd say.

Oh well yes he's only human and he fails just like I do.

But you get the gist here, don't you?

Forgive me if this sounds offensive, but here's what it is:-

This is why some people avoid the world.

This is why some people avoid the Church.

What have we done today, that made people shy away from accepting what we call God's grace?

I ain't no expert, and to be honest I haven't been talking much about what I've kept so long in my heart. But really, if we focused more on being a friend instead of merely evangelising to a friend, maybe people would see religion as something spiritual, and not just something about sneering at and correcting others.

I admit, I am a stubborn human being. I hate being corrected unless people correct me with a little pinch of compassion.

So I avoid the world, and I don't know when will I stop running.

I'd probably even bump into a relative 6 or 7 years from now and still find them asking me:-

"Which hospital are you working at??"

I promise I won't be shocked.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...