Driving with Dad (and Other Stories)

Last Friday, I finally received my P licence card from my instructor and that closed another chapter of my life, well, sort of, I guess. And of course, another chapter began.

The last thing my instructor told me was "Don't drive too fast." He repeated this several times, as if during practise sessions I liked driving too fast. Well, to be fair, I once drove at a certain speed (shall not be disclosed) with him. I did that because well, the brain is a very useful organ. I only realised about the psychological game behind my actions after I wrote a reflective entry in my journal.

This was what I wrote the night I received my licence card, four days after not driving, and the day before I drove with my dad:

"It's like after this no one is going to slam the brakes for me, swerve the steering wheel away from danger, or with fast hands honk another car that's going to hit me." (All three have actually happened during my practise sessions on the road lol). "After this, it's all going to be in my hands, and it kinda scares me. I will remember not to drive too fast."

..aaaand the next day my dad woke me up while I was napping. The plan was to drive to Siburan, a small town located several miles away from home. 

However, from a distance we saw that the traffic light broke down and I freaked out because obviously everyone drove using their own intellect and skills and I am so new to this situation hahaha. We made a last minute change in plans--the 'easier' route was obviously Kota Samarahan, well, at least it was easier at that point where the traffic light broke down, because no other vehicles were fighting to get there.

I suddenly freaked out again when I realised that Kota Samarahan has roundabouts. And lots of lorries. And weird wavy roads. Believe it or not, I went from this trying-to-act-cool-kid who drove at (speed shall not be disclosed) during lessons, to this kid who only had the guts to go 50km/h that evening. I took the words of my instructor quite literally. I didn't drive too fast. To make matters worse, my dad was scaring me with various remarks.

To be fair, it was my first time driving along this unfamiliar road. I stopped freaking out when we reached Kota Sentosa and the road back home (dang, we made a hugeeee turn) because these are the places where I always drove along. Still, at the speed of 50-60km/h, everything seemed so fast.

This was what I wrote on my journal that day:

"At the speed of 50-60km/h, everything seemed too fast. This amazes me in a way that during lessons I always had the guts to drive faster than that. Maybe it's a psychological thing. You know..cos I knew Mr. Sim will always be ready to slam the brakes for me if things happen. This time, all shit will be on my shoulders. Man, it's like moving out from infancy right into adulthood."

And really, honestly, the feeling of "moving out from infancy right into adulthood" kind of saddens me. Lessons were fun. Screw up and laugh. Hooray! Now the real thing is happening. Screw up and..well..there will be consequences.

On the next day, I drove to college with my dad. One of his remarks that is embedded in my brain right now was "If there were to be a pregnant woman in this car, she would've given birth right now." And I was not even speeding. You can pretty much say that my dad and I don't get along pretty well on usual days. This weekend was kind of like an exception, because only the two of us were at home.

My mum went for a church activity for 3 nights. She doesn't always leave home like this, and it felt so weird for me to be at home with just my dad. On usual days, I don't watch TV at all. I'd sit for hours in my room and go out to the kitchen, but rarely the living room. However, this weekend was so weird. I fully took over my mum's role of cooking and cleaning and everything and suddenly I feel so sad that this is the way of life for an adult woman. In other words, there seems to be no life at all. I don't want to grow up. Helping my mum on usual days were fine, normal, OK, bearable, but doing everything all by yourself kinda sucks. If I was alone, I could have just cooked something simple, but at the presence of my dad, I had a weird feeling of wanting to prove that I can cook something decent for both of us. 

So I listened to his stories. Talked to him. Controlled myself from feeling annoyed when I didn't agree with what he said. I sat for hours in front of the TV and we watched documentaries and funny shows together. It made me feel weird. First of all, I noticed that I do have some similarities with my dad. We do share some opinions. And I do know that these opinions are not what we share with my mum. And then there are some opinions that I reallllllly don't agree with. And these opinions annoy me very much. And then I realised that, well, I don't know man. I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I wish I spent more time with my dad (and vice versa). I actually enjoyed going out for lunch with him without the presence of my other family members, although we didn't talk much and he didn't enjoy the food. 

And that's it, I guess. Pretty much sums up my weekend. I don't think my dad is going to allow me to drive anywhere without his supervision yet, although to be honest there's nothing much he can do when I'm driving and he's sitting next to me. There are no extra brake pedals for him. Everything's still on my shoulders. And this is what scares me so much. This summer I guess being able to drive marks another chapter in my life as an adult. It feels like there is an extra responsibility to take care of. I know the way I mention it is like exaggerating a tiny stuff that most 17 year olds have achieved, but to me every time I think of driving, I think of my dad and how would he react if I screw up. 

Kinda makes riding buses a more appealing option, to be honest..