November

New shoes

I finally bought a pair of formal shoes because next week I'll be walking up on stage to perform my hit single. I don't want to get into a last minute fight with some people who holds the authority over dress codes. So yeah, I went to the shoe store with my parents and I stood in front of a rack full of black formal shoes and my dad was like "This one looks good" and I was like "uhmm ahh yeah" and in less than 5 minutes dad paid it for me. Yay. This reminds me of that day before the annual grand dinner back in 2013 when I went shopping for a dress with my housemate and in less than 5 minutes I pointed towards a dress hanging in a store and said "aha! That's the one!" I mean seriously, I am always amazed by my shopping skills. 

Guy on the bus

I'm sorry I keep on talking about people on buses but seriously they're the best people where I learn some of the most important life lessons.

Last Thursday my bus stopped at the usual stop near the back gate of SGH and as usual when buses stop to pick passengers up I won't really care cos I hate staring at people. But that day I glanced quickly and a familiar face appeared.

What are the odds of seeing someone you've sat next to on a bus a few weeks earlier? I mean it's not that shocking anyway. I've seen some familiar faces even more frequently. But this guy intrigues me.

And that day he sat on the seat just opposite to mine across the aisle. I'm not sure whether he remembers me. But I remember him. Same old white t-shirt, same old jeans maybe, same bag, same checkered shirt which he took off and carried around (I suspect he wore it in the hospital because hospitals are cold), and most importantly, same old gait. Slow. Painful. Thinning hair. He can't be more than 45, can't be younger than 28, but you know how illness can deceive the way you guess someone's age based on their appearance.

Is it cancer? If yes, what stage? Or is it just a regular checkup? I wish I was Sherlock sometimes. I wish I had some basic medical diagnosis skills just by fast observance. 

I wish I was Sherlock because on the first time I met him, he sat next to me because the bus was full. And the bus broke down at Batu Lintang, and when everyone got off the bus, I quickly wanted to get off too. I didn't realise though that he was slow to get up and move away from the seat we shared. If I knew, if I saw that he's an ill man, I wouldn't have rushed. And that's why I remembered him the second time I saw him. I felt bad that I didn't notice I was sitting next to an ill man. 

Sometimes I marvel at the thought that it's so much easier to have compassion for strangers than someone you personally know. I don't know this man. He could be a bad guy. But because I don't know anything about him, and only seen this side of him (a man of poor health, taking a public bus to the hospital--where is his family? This is Kuching. People don't normally take public transport unless there are no other choices), I kinda feel for him. Strangers are like books you haven't read. 

This reminds me of Passenger's song 'David'. I wanted to write a short story with this idea but I'm not good at creative writing. I thought that writing a song about it would be cool, but songwriting is a process I struggle with nowadays. In the end I just don't know..it's like I have so many thoughts bottled up about strangers I've met on buses and there aren't any good outlets where I can express all of these thoughts I have about them. Sometimes I begin to think that this is a clear indication about my life purpose, or my calling as they call it. I want to work with broken people. I want to work for broken people. I'm almost positive that I want to work for people who are vulnerable, hurt, ill, but I'm not good with people at all so idk man, is there a job where I can help them in a less direct way? 

Terima kasih

I also met a blind man at the bus station and I wonder how can blind people board buses. I mean..I don't exactly wonder about how they do it, but I am humbled by their courage. The bus station is a harsh place. It's harsher when you can't see, and dozens of people are just walking past in front of you while you're standing directly under the blazing sunlight.

But we're stupid aren't we? In a crowd where kindness and compassion isn't the usual thing to do, we hesitate to take an action that we know is right.

I asked him where he was heading to and he told me the bus number that he was waiting for. And I asked him whether he wanted to sit down. And I even made a hand gesture, showing him where to sit, before realising that..why I am using hand gestures with a blind man. Apparently I'm not as bright as I think I am.

I guided him to sit down and before I left him there, he said "terima kasih" to me. Simple words. Great feeling. Funny innit? Why do our hearts expand when we do something simple to our fellow men, especially a complete stranger? Why do we feel like skipping and jumping? Why do we feel so good about ourselves when we help people? Is it a clear indication that we were created to love people? Then why is there so much hate in this world? Why is it harder to love that annoying sibling? That annoying friend? That annoying teacher? Why? 

I left the blind man as I boarded my own bus. After the bus started moving, I knew I made a mistake.

I was still that selfish person. If I was a completely selfless individual, I would've waited with him. Made sure that he boarded the right bus. But I didn't--because I wanted to return home quickly and get my afternoon nap. But I learnt my lesson that day. Apparently being completely selfless is hard.

That's about it. I'm on a one week midterm break filled with assignments and more deadlines coming up. Striving to be a better person everyday, not just in terms of cgpa. I want to know myself more than ever. I want to read more books on leadership and character and psychology and I want to get better at drawing portraits. I want to get back to playing fingerstle guitar seriously. I want to let some of my friends know that they really matter to me. I want to have self-control over my voice when answering my parents, without having to raise it an octave higher when I'm annoyed. I want to finally have the courage to play guitar for the Christmas carol team next month, a dream I've been having since 13. I want to prove to myself that c'mon, I got one life, there is one Fiay in this world, and I don't care if my life sucks compared to others. I have the ill man and the blind man to remind me about a lot of good things. #blessed #selfmotivation