5 Things I've Stopped Doing

1. Sleeping in Class

Back in those days, whenever my lecturers said "Take Five!" my automatic response was to rest my heavy head in my curled arms on the table. It didn't take long for it to become my habit, a reflex, a ritual..a thing I crave for every single time classes get boring.

Now no matter how tired I become, I fight that feeling. I get up, buy some kuihs downstairs, or have some empty chit chat with my classmates. I do so even when I'm not hungry, and even when I don't feel like talking. I forced myself at first. And now it became a habit, a reflex, a ritual..

I realise now how destructive little things can be when we accumulate them. Short "naps", too short to shake off the tiredness, are not worth it. This is one important lesson I've learnt over the past two years.

2. Sleeping Too Late

I no longer sleep at 3 or 4 am these days. I no longer do it for fun, or to revise for exams. I do procrastinate for my assignments and that sometimes results in some late night last minute work to be done, but on usual days I sleep before 12. On good days, I sleep at 10 or 11, and waking up the next morning is such a delightful thing to do. 

I realised my mistakes that I've done 2-3 years ago. I simply did not have enough sleep. And the lack of sleep can kill you. I guess there's something to do with some chemical imbalance in our brain or something, and how I wish it was easier to solve this back then. When you have limited time, of course sacrificing your sleep sounds like the only choice. But imagine not sleeping well for many months in the span of two years. Of course for some people that is too much to handle. What worked for Friend A obviously did not work for me. This is another important lesson that I've learnt, and it almost cost me my life.

3. Saying "Yes" All the Time

I say "No" a lot more these days. It's not that difficult, but it can be difficult. I'm reading a very good book right now and it taught me one important thing. We see babies and toddlers react when they don't like something. They simply refuse it. And they do anything to actually say "No" to adults. 

I'm not saying that we should act like babies. The book says this shows how much power we have over our choices. Every action that we take are 100% our own choices, even when it seems like some of our choices are influenced or forced by others. In the end, we make the decision, and that is why putting the blame on others is not a wise thing to do.

By understanding this, I can slowly let go of some of the blames that I kept in the past. I'd be lying if I say that I didn't blame others, but this point just taught me how much power and control I actually had. Although it seemed like I was trapped in a passive-aggressive persuasion, I actually had the power to say "No", but I didn't, because I wanted to please people too much. Now, to hell with pleasing people, there are many other ways to please people wisely. Now I have the courage to say "No", even when I have to lose some people in my life. In the end, when things go wrong, only those who genuinely care will stay.

4. Comparing Grades

I used to compare my grades with my friends when I was in high school. Back in Intec I also found some sense of security when people score within my range (I wasn't so brilliant in Intec, and it was hard to find friends who scored within my range lol). Now whenever exam results are announced, I actually don't give a shit to ask people, but people do ask me. Maybe as we get older, these things just don't mean a lot anymore. It's like...I don't know. My main concern now is not my grades. I just want to do well enough for me to be able to support my own life one day. Of course, I do chase for excellence. I'm a pig if I don't do so. I have this brilliant mind and I need to fully utilise it. (Haha). But I'm not like, yknow..obsessing to beat everyone and (quote Ash Ketchum) "be the very best that no one ever was". I just want to be the best version of myself and reach my own potentials, not other people's potentials. You're in some glamorous Science course? Good for you. You're an Arts student? Great, you'll leave a contribution to society too one day.

5. Thinking About My Future Career

Shit, back in high school this was all that I could think of. I must become a doctor. I must become this, I must become that. And that limited my options, narrowed my thinking, and in the end gave me a false perception that there was no way out when things got wrong.

Although I'm taking a course that people associate easily with one of the jobs in this world, I don't see myself as a person in that field one day. I actually do kind of try to imagine doing the job, but I no longer stress myself about it. I've only pledged to myself that if one day I enter this field, I will never intentionally destroy a young person's mind with negativity, hatred, and unprofessionalism. It's easy to say, but I don't want to become those who did so to me. I want to become that lecturer who called my name to participate in class because I never participated. I want to become that teacher who told me good things and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

Most important of all, if I am destined to not end up in this field, I want to be able to open up my mind to various possibilities in life and try to find many other ways to contribute to society. Did I tell some of you what was one of the most painful lessons I learnt when no universities wanted to accept me after my Intec chapter?

It was very painful to feel like you have no role in life and in your society. I sound like a phony for saying this, but I'm being very honest here. I felt so sad of the possibility that I might become a parasite for life, and that made me so miserable. I wanted to go out and face the world and give back something to someone, but I had nothing, my energy was all drained out, and my shame was so huge I couldn't even face myself at that time. That was when I started doing handmade birthday cards for some (very few) friends, and left anonymous comments on some suicidal people's blogs although at that time I was pretty much suicidal. It shows how much that in this world we all want to contribute to society. It's just sometimes some of us don't know what to do to get those chances. Looking back, I wish I spent those times to do some volunteering, but looking back again, I didn't do so because of the reasons also stated above.

One of the life-changing things a friend said to me during my days of depression was something about "taking things one day at a time." It's a very straightforward message but when my mind was clouded with so many worries and the thought that death was more appealing, I never thought of this at all. I owe a very huge thanks to that friend, and I don't think they knew that it saved my life. Even until now, whenever I feel too worried, I keep these words close to my heart. I don't want to think about what will happen in 10 years. I just want to be able to get through this day and that's already OK.

_______________________________

You might be thinking why on earth am I blogging about this at this time. It's the first of December and 2015 is ending soon. I find it important that I should learn from my failures and write about some very important things I've learnt from it, so that at least I don't walk away empty handed from this experience. It's not that I am dwelling in my past failure; I no longer see it as something so shitty, but how delightful it is that maybe 8 our of 10 times when bad things happen, I see this failure as a motivator instead of a reminder of my Failure (with a capital letter F).

The news about a teen suicide which recently happened also triggered me to think back about those old days. It saddens me that in our country there are so many misconceptions about this matter. Judging from hundreds of Facebook comments that I've read, it's just so saddening that most people do not attempt to understand at all. And what makes it sadder that some negative comments are from educators, parents, people who actually graduated from universities, people who think that they know it all. They will never understand it, not until they are standing on that ledge. Or you know, just don't say anything negative if you don't really know anything about the matter.

Time for me to do some last minute assignments again. 

Hope you guys have a wonderful December.