Thank You, 2015

This is a rather weird thing to say, but 2015 has been a good year.

In fact, it is rather appropriate to say that for the first time in many years, I have felt true happiness in this year. Small, simple moments of happiness, but what's important is that I know I've been happy.

I can look back to 2012, 2013, and 2014 and fully understand why things had happened. I can think back of those days and pat myself on the back--for not giving up for real, for not ending my life, for persevering, for seeking help, and most importantly, for being able to wait despite the frequent moments of impatience. And I will continue to wait.

And I look back on those days and the faces of my friends flash through my mind, those precious people who still talk to me even until now, and I am more than thankful for being alive.

And I look at my family members, for the times I wished I wasn't born in this family, and then I realise how wrong I was, and how many other people had it worse. For that, I am also thankful.

I think back of all the strangers who gave me real life lessons this year, and I cannot stop thanking God or whatever supernatural power that made a path for me to remain in Kuching, this place that I used to call shithole, but boy this shithole is where I had the best times of my life this year. Forget Spain and all the handsome Spaniards I dream of, forget Glasgow and the desire to return to my birthplace. I've never been so thankful that I am here, in Kuching, looking at the faces of strangers on buses who taught me that this is real life and I gotta suck it up and hold my head high, because I live a life full of privilege, and I still have my choices, and I'm not the only one with a story to tell. And most importantly, this is not the end. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Thanks to all these strangers, for once, I've noticed that I've changed. I don't always notice my own changes, but I am sure of this little one that becomes bigger each day. And it made me understand why I had to go through the things that I've gone through in 2012, 2013, and 2014. Have you ever felt like crying because it feels like you've understood it all and finally a burden is lifted from your shoulders? For many weeks lately that was what exactly how I felt. 

While I'm pretty sure that Kuching doesn't need me, I am however really sure that I have a purpose here, and the purpose is not for myself. Once I understood this, everything else became clearer. I can become the change I want to witness. The little chances that I had on the bus, making little impacts on strangers, or simply practising common courtesy, made my days a lot more meaningful compared to the times when I sat in my bedroom, alone, thinking about myself and how dark my future was about to become. And I have future plans, plans to bring smiles to other people, to remind them that this life is worth living. I hope my motivation doesn't die fast. 

It is also funny that hate can turn into compassion in one year. I used to hate a lot of people and things last year. I hated my new college, some of my tutors, and I felt like I was the victim in everything that happened. But now, I can put myself in their shoes and understand why some people can be mean for no apparent reason. And instead of hating them I empathise on them for having a heart incapable of forgiveness and compassion toward others. It's not that I suddenly turn holy and become all-forgiving, but it's just that I spend more time thinking of good people and people who made my day better, so I have less time to think of all the negative people. 

You see sometimes you don't see yourself being in depression. Sometimes once you're out of it then you realise that depression is real. And music, books, the Internet, celebrities, America--they all make depression sound like something that everyone has, and sometimes people make it sound like something so cool to have, like how people on the Internet say oh, hey, see, I have depression bla bla bla. And once you're feeling sad, then you're depressed, and people misuse the word itself all the time, but how far do we realise that it is not a joke? How far do we realise that it is NOT a cool thing to have. This year, looking back, I've learnt that I was lucky to be a real coward, because if I wasn't, I guess I won't be seeing 2015. I'd be 6 feet underground and my guitar would be dusty in my bedroom and the bus driver and librarian wouldn't have someone to laugh at (they'd probably know someone else who is socially-awkward, though).

I won't be knowing that I am capable of drawing pretty decent portraits, I won't be realising that I could swim (thanks Cindy!) and drive (thanks Mr.Sim!). I won't be knowing that there's a really cool library in Kuching (shout-out to DBKU City Library!) and I'd certainly not know that reading 52 books per year (one book per week!) is actually a very possible thing to achieve. I wouldn't be knowing that I'm about to become a fan of Chicago Bulls, or Sergio Llull and Pau Gasol, and I wouldn't know that I'd be having such a great summer with a great bunch of precious friends. Also, I wouldn't actually know that I can play pretty decent fingerstyle and get some pretty okay views on YouTube. (I need to get back to fingerstyle soon!). 

See, many things can happen in a year, and with only 3 days left in 2015, I can say that I am thankful for everything that happened this year (and the year before). I am of course still worried about a lot of things like getting a job and paying back my education loans and buying a house, but a wise young man once told me to take it one day at a time, and those words are the ones that I still hold on to each day. 

I won't be saying that 2016 will be a new year with new resolutions and all those shit, but hey, I hope you readers have a happy new year. I won't be so happy because I need to study for my finals which will be right after the new year..which is..I knowwww..such a weird timing. Once I finish my finals then I guess I can celebrate my new year by getting back to my books (fiction! Not academic textbooks!) and my basketball games (videos I downloaded harharhar) or probably chill in the library for the whole day and return home with my dad as he returns from work (I love the days when I get to do this) and hopefully I'll have the motivation to learn something new on the guitar, some fancy fingerstyle arrangement, or complete my song that I'm currently writing.

Life can get pretty hard, mate, but once you cross out all of the days on your calendar, one by one, and when it comes to the last box you'd be crossing out that year, man..it's a spectacular feeling, that feeling of being alive and being able to tell the old you that hey bruh, we made it, we're alive, we proved ourselves wrong. Thank you 2015, for teaching me that life is precious, and that good people exist. You just gotta open your eyes a bit wider and learn to conquer your fears, and walk the path that sad people walk along, and maybe by doing so you learn about life a little bit more.