#11 Passenger

Back in November 2014, when I was forced to hop on a bus alone, I didn't have the slightest idea on how it would change my life.

Dramatic, I know. But here I am, one and a half year since that day, and I can sit here and think, "Wow, I've learnt a lot." I mean a lot. And I am sort of addicted to bus rides. Which is, well, such an amusing thing, considering that I was never really willing to ride public buses in the first place.

I can't remember why exactly I had to take the bus on that particular day in November 2014. Did the car break down? Was my dad (or sister?) unable to fetch me back from college? 

Looking Back

I was still pretty much depressed in November 2014. Nothing had changed much at that time. I was still lamenting over the fact that I lost my scholarship. Kuching was a shithole at that time. I wanted to be far away, I wanted to be free. But I found myself in a position where I was incapable of doing things on my own, and my confidence was completely shattered. I was dependent on my family and friends over a lot of things. I hated myself for not being able to drive. I hated my life. I hated myself.

Looking Wayyy Back

The 3A bus was nothing new to me. But it wasn't something that I hopped on frequently when I was younger. And I never boarded the public buses alone. 

I used to go to school by bus though. And I hated it. It was all about competition, about being the first to fight for seats, about having connections (kids always saved the seats for their friends) and I once fell from the stairs for rushing to reach the school bus after class. I was in Form 3 at that time. I still remember how my KHB file flung out of my hands when I missed that last step. I was always the first to pack my bag during last lessons. My school bus driver never wanted to wait for late kids. And in the morning I woke up at 4am to go to school. I always reached school when it was still dark. I don't have fond memories with school buses, generally. 

Buses in Intec

Who would've thought that I had to board buses again after leaving secondary school. I love the buses in Intec. I remember some faces of my favourite bus drivers. I loved the times when the other students offered to hold my books when I couldn't get a seat. I miss the times when I had the chance to sit next to my friends. And I remember the bad times as well. The time when I cried from Intec to Akasia. And I remember the funny times too, like on that particular day we had to bring snails for Biology. 

How STC and CPL Changed My Life

A little bit of background for those who are lost: STC stands for Sarawak Transport Company. STC buses are basically the old school, retro, non air-conditioned (whatever you categorise it as) buses. CPL buses are the newer ones with air-conds.

And fact number 2: I am a faithful passenger of 3A buses, which are buses that travel along the route from Kuching to Serian (and back to Kuching). These buses are the most frequent ones (you can basically find one in like half an hour interval depending on your luck).

My stop is approximately at the midpoint of this whole route, so you can sort of say that there are many things to learn and observe on every ride.

Why am I compelled to write this, I don't really know. 

I was sitting on the bus today, looking at the pigeons flying around the Sikh temple, and I look up to the clouds, and I look at people's faces..and boy, I felt so lucky to be alive. And I felt so fortunate that I can just sit there and do nothing, sipping my Nescafe Latte, staring at people and places and things, and it suddenly dawned upon me that boy, this wouldn't happen if things didn't happen the way they've happened. 

And it all started in November 2014.

Fast forward to nearly two years later, and here I am, boarding public buses although I already have a driving licence. 

And I dread the day when I'm going to graduate, and all these routine will end, and I can never feel that same liberation I've found on creaky STC buses. 

My perspective of things have changed. If before this I felt trapped with no options in life, well, riding public buses in Kuching has given me a sense of hope (and control) over my life. Instead of comparing my life with the lives of my friends who are doing a lot better, I look at the faces of tired souls, old men, bitter women, and I feel a sense of gratitude that at least I live a life with a certain amount of privilege. 

There's no way I can feel so much about people if I didn't get forced to board the bus in the first place. There's just so much that I've encountered and learnt. Remember that time when I didn't have extra money left because I spent it all on ABC? And the bus broke down and I didn't have anything but 20 cents in my pocket so I couldn't hop on another bus. And I boarded an STC bus anyway, and told the driver that I'll be paying upon reaching my stop. And I ended up paying 50 cents short. I no longer remember the face of the driver, but boy, I still remember how terrible I felt that day.

And I remember the ill man who I met twice. And I still wonder about him a lot of time and pray that he's doing well.

And I remember that women with four little kids who didn't get any seats and nobody cared. And everytime  think of her and her kids, I can't stop thinking how fortunate I am to not have such childhood experience.

And I remember about the mentally ill woman, and I wonder about her life, and how she ended up this way.

I remember about the man who gave me his newspaper, about how I saw him 2 or 3 times before that actually. But now I no longer see him anymore. And I wonder where he is.

And there's that scruffy guy who took the trouble to find the 10 cents that I dropped on the floor, and he taught me that scruffy guys have good hearts too.

I wonder about the woman who talked to me about domestic violence and how she helps other women to get out of that situation, and how she told me she has a daughter who is taking PhD, and dang, I swear at that moment I felt lucky to talk to her.

I remember another woman who sat next to me but gave up her seat together with me so that an old couple could sit down. We ended up standing up together along the 5pm jam and the bus was really crowded that day. I felt bad for her because she carried a heavy bag, but she willingly stood up while many other men pretended like they did not see the old couple. It's amusing that both the good, the bad (and the ugly) can be found on public buses. 

I also observe drivers.

I haven't seen one particular bus driver in a long time. The one who reads Borneo Post. And he's perhaps the only one who reads that English newspaper among other bus drivers. He would open up his newspapers during every traffic light stop and he'd read every section including the world news. Sometimes I wonder what job did he have before becoming a bus driver.

And there's this other one who wears a cap and earphones all the time. He once laughed at me when I chased the bus. I haven't boarded on his bus for quite a while now but I know he's still around. I kind of like him because he's cool.

And another one, he's friendly in a good way. I like the way he talks to his passengers. He would talk to makciks so nicely and I like how he sorts of establishes a good driver-passenger relationship with people. 

And oh there are weird ones. There's this grumpy one who talked harshly to an old man. And he played metal songs from his pen drive all along the journey. It was one of my worst rides. I'm thankful that I've never seen him since. 

And there's this really old one. He also the grumpy kind. I'm glad I haven't been on his bus in a while now. 

And this semester I've been having quite a fixed bus schedule so on one particular day of the week, same timing, I'd hop on the same bus with the same driver and I think he can remember my face already. His has this thinning white hair like one of my tutors, and he never smiles. He's so detached. I don't think he enjoys his job much. He looks like someone I know from another lifetime, if you get what I mean. Everytime I see him I feel like I've known him for a long time but that's not the truth.

And lastly there's this one who wears spectacles and his uniform is ironed and he looks so out of place if you get what I mean. I've been wondering what made him drive buses. Was it something mum and dad wanted him to do? Did he fail to get other jobs? Does he enjoy driving buses? Because he's the first bus driver to respond to my "thank you" when I paid my fare and he gave me the ticket. And he has such a calm face which amazes me. It made me think how weird life is. 

You see I've grown a thousand times more observant and I find myself asking questions all the time these days. There's always this voice inside my head constructing sentences about people and their actions and the way they do things and I begin to wonder is this the result of riding buses every week for one and a half year?

And I realise I'm not the same person anymore. 

Public buses made me think more about people's private lives (sorry that sounds creepy) and that made me think on how easy it is to construct opinions about other people while the truth is that all these people are going through so many crazy stuff in their lives and you don't have the slightest idea about their background. 

I saw a car that was trapped in the jam next to my bus today. And my brain went..

The only passenger he had with him in that 5pm jam was the Panasonic vacuum cleaner he bought earlier on.

Do you get what I'm trying to say?

It's crazy! I begin to think if the man's going home to an empty home or is his wife and kids are there with dinner prepared on the table and all those usual stuffs in normal people's lives.

And I guess that's how public bus rides have changed me.

There's no way I can describe it all without sounding like a creep, but dios mio, life has never been this interesting. And there's so much to learn from other people.

And I love the way I pay a few ringgits just to sit down and do nothing, free from any responsibilities of life, and it's like watching a movie full of interesting characters, and my brain never really stops (except for the times I fall asleep).

And I ponder about the people I've met, and never see again, and the people who I won't be seeing ever again in the future. It makes me sad.

How can I feel a certain degree of attachment with strangers, I will never know.

Perhaps it's because I feel belonged in a crowd of strangers. And that's just weird.

And maybe that's just how public buses have changed my life.

#10 Incoherent Ramblings

Currently listening to: Coming Home by Gavin James.

This is an unplanned blog post. 

I'm just here because I'm too lazy to start doing my assignments. I'll be back to school next Monday and I'm certainly not liking it. I mean...classes aren't that bad. But when was the last time I entered a classroom with the same excitement of entering a library? There's clearly something wrong about this 'learning' and 'educating' thing that we're doing.

But whatever. I should be thankful that at least I'm in college. I just sometimes wish we did not have to get a qualification to feel qualified enough. Don't get me started. I'll end up ranting.

Anyway I've made an impulsive decision a few days back and I'm feeling nervous about it. Excited, but nervous. And I still don't quite know what I'm supposed to feel, but I guess it's OK. In the end we will regret more on the things we didn't do, I guess.

I've successfully read Norwegian Wood and I still can't move on to another book. Right now there's a huge pile of books that I'm thinking of starting next but I've read some pages and gave up. 

Things are going well in the guitar department either. I've decided that I don't want to be a YouTube fingerstyle guitarist any longer. I mean, damnit, what's the point of forcing myself into something. I'd rather teach myself how to play new arrangements for the sake of learning than for the sake of uploading it to gain views. So yeah, I've dropped the ambition to get endorsed and all those shit. Writing songs are more enjoyable. And expressive. I'd do that forever even when no one's watching.

I'm getting freaked out again though. I mean it's the time of the semester where everything gets suffocating with assignments and presentations keep on coming. I've learnt that I'm not really good at handling unpredictable schedules and things that pop up all at once. You get what I mean? I'm kinda like that organised old woman who needs to see the timeline of things, the huge picture, write down all the deadlines, plan which one goes first...yet I still freak out. And I still procrastinate. 

Aite so what else have been happening...? Nothing really. And that's why I've made my impulsive decision. My heart yells yolo but my brain keeps on stopping me from chilling. I think I really need a break. I haven't really taken a real break. O wait, it's not that college is tiring. It's not. In fact I have the most relaxed schedule. But I'm in need of an adventure, something to accomplish before I get older. I don't know why I feel the need to explain things to people, but really, I think I deserve some fun. We'll see how things go.

#9 Half of the Year Gone!

I can't believe we've made it through half of 2016! There's so many things to write about! So many things to be thankful for! 

A lot of things had happened since the last blog post, but I've been a bit too busy participating in life. 

And I've been chasing deadlines, spending less time on reflection but more on expression, and on lazy days I just chill, have long naps, or stay in the library for hours and hours after class.

This is going to be a bit long I guess. I really miss blogging. I really miss writing on my journal. And now I don't know where to start!

Isn't it funny that within half a year, time can pass by just like that, and so many things can be done? I've had two final examinations, changed my hairstyle, obsessed over an artiste, wrote 3 or 4 songs, interacted with new people, made a tshirt out of scratch, met old friends, won a contest, anddd read 40 books! I'm sure I've left out some things there. Can't remember them all. 

Songs

So I guess I'm back to songwriting. Or maybe it's just a seasonal thing. Last month I completed a few songs, and here are some of them. I'm not going to say I'm super proud of these, but I had so much fun writing The Otter. And writing Secret Serenade was also fun in the chords selection part. The lyrics was just meh. 

The Otter is basically just a fictional story of an otter, inspired by true events hahhaha. You get what I mean, don't you? It's really just a silly thing I came up with. Three chords played repeatedly, and obviously a lot of desperate attempts to rhyme up words. The first line that I thought of was actually the chorus "You can't be together..." because I'm obviously in some sort of dilemma where I think I'm really fancying someone. I told you it was inspired by true events. Just that it's a lot easier to write about a male otter. 

Secret Serenade was originally written as Sleepy Serenade because I was already in bed feeling sleepy when the first line appeared in my mind. But I sound out that there's a song that already exists with that title. I think I wrote this whole thing for my old self. I know, how narcissistic. The tree on the top of the hill with brown leaves falling is something that I always used as a mental therapy kind of thing whenever I feel too stressed out back in intec. The part about the girl who sounds like she's smiling when she's speaking is just something I noticed in some people, you know, how some people can speak so nicely and their voices are just like..yknow, so happy. And the rest of the lyrics are pretty much things I simply threw into the song to make it sound all positive and hopeful and stuffs.

Old Friends

I had a lot of good catching up sessions with some good old friends. I met with Kezia, Cindy, and Nia and it just feels so good to sit down and talk about things that haven't been talked about together in a while.

It's just good to see how everyone's doing fine and how many stories can only be shared through meet ups like these, instead of merely through social media. And I sure had fun. 

It's really hard to form friendships without having to worry about how people would react when you no longer have anything to give. I don't know if people get what I mean, but I've had a period in life when I felt like I was left with nothing, but these people stayed. It surely means something. And I'm going to be forever thankful. 

I've seen some college friends who easily forget their friends when the friend has nothing left to offer. It's painful to see people being ditched just when they've stop becoming someone who could provide something. Sometimes in life we're too focussed on forming bonds with those who could only benefit us. And that's sad. You're not supposed to call someone a friend just because you need something from them. It's really, really sad but I hope this teaches me something at least. 

Other Stuffs

I've discovered a singer called Gavin James, and I'm currently playing his songs on repeat. I think he's going to make it big soon. 

Also, a few days ago the selections for Spanish Basketball team to Rio 2016 has been announced, and I'm really excited to watch them play. It brings me back to Eurobasket 2015 and how I obsessed over Pau Gasol and Sergio Llull. 

I'm having a one week break for Raya and I can't wait to laze around because after this break I think I'll be a bit busier with assignments and stuffs. 

Ah. And I won a pantun contest by Fixi on Facebook so yeah I'm feeling a bit happy because I'll be getting three free books. I'm not showing signs of slowing down in the reading department lol. I'm still that library addict, still buying more books, and right now I think I've fully grown attached to the library. I'd be really really really sad when this all ends one day. 

Other than that, well, things have been OK. It's not that anything big is always happening. But at least right now I look forward to so many things. 

Can't see yet what's going to happen in the second half of this year, but I believe there's so much more to learn about! And so many books to be read! :)