Cold

A lot of things had happened since the last post obviously, but I was too busy being lazy so I didn't care to write on my journal and make a proper blog post. And to be honest I do feel rather stupid for writing my thoughts in a public space like a blog for everyone to read, because it's creepy when you have an average of ten readers per blog post (thanks, statistics) and you don't have any idea on who they are but look at that, they're reading all the shit you've written about your miserable life.

But at the same time ironically I started a new blog on wordpress for more strangers to read. It's basically the project I mentioned in the previous post. I just couldn't wait until 31st December to reveal it all because who knows I might be dead before that and no one would ever know I started something. It's basically a blog I created to write about each bus ride I'm going to hop on throughout the year. I mean, yeah, who wants to read about a sad old miserable bus ride with nothing big happening, but I don't really care because writing about stuffs is so damn fun. I'm not going to force people to read them like how I forced people to watch my fingerstyle videos, so it's a rather relaxing project mainly done purely out of my love for writing and bus rides and all things weird such as the way some drivers spit too frequently out of the window and the way some aunties gossip about their colleagues and the way that kid stared at me as I ate my biscuit. Yep, that kind of thing. My kind of thing, the plain, the boring, the mundane. 

If you click on the pic it's going to
take you to the blog and don't worry hun,
it's going to open in a new window.

I don't think I have to justify all of my actions to a bunch of strangers reading this right now, but it's been a bad habit of mine so I guess I'm just going to say I created that blog to feed my love for writing and telling stuffs about the things I've seen. I'm so easily amused these days and it's just no other way I can express my thoughts so I chose to write about them and since I want a nice compilation of these thoughts by the end of this year then I told myself then I might as well just do it online and make it public so that people can have a virtual ride with me on these old creaky buses if they want to. 

Apart from that life's been mundane. I finished reading Angela's Ashes one or two nights ago and to be honest I don't think I'm going to accomplish my reading goal for this year because I'm really getting a bit slower than usual. It's because this semester break I find a lot of other things are distracting me such as:

-Jumanji and Pitch Perfect on TV yesterday and my nephew isn't here at the moment so the TV is all mine muahaha and that means I watched 2 movies in one day and when I'm not watching movies I watch cooking shows and shows about people eating stuff for cheap. 

-Today after church I chose to bake muffins and it took up my whole afternoon so I didn't get to nap. 

-Instagram and its damn funny memes are taking over my life send help pls. 

-I'm watching videos on YouTube about people talking about books more than I'm actually reading books ohmai why am I such a fool.

I also tried sketching portraits like how I used to do but damn it after losing the momentum and not practising it seriously, I've sort of lost the patience to sketch and shade so yep hermanos I've lost the ability to produce something like that Sergio Llull portrait that I sketched and I feel a bit sad cos I remember how therapeutic it was and how satisfying it was to be able to produce something like that.

You don't have to mention about fingerstyle guitar anymore cos I have zero feelings of returning to that thing. I won't be the next Sungha Jung so I might as well dream of doing something a bit less stressful than sitting for one week practising and recording up to 40 takes just for one video that lasts for 4 minutes and still show the world how crappy your playing is. Don't get me wrong, that feeling of accomplishment was grand alright but I tried too hard to the point of putting my self worth on it. 

I replaced my violin string which I broke many many months ago (I suspect it's been a year?) so yep, I haven't touched my violin that long. I tried to play some pieces today and damnit I sounded horrible. There's this hymn called Abide With Me which basically some people sing for funerals and to be honest I made it sound a lot more depressing. It's my favourite hymn by the way so please tell me mum and dad to play this if anything happens to me thank you. I love the pureness of the lyrics, so filled with pain but so simple yet so sad it's like someone telling me go ahead be sad it's alright.

Oh and relating to the title of this blog post lel it's reallllly cold in Kuching right now. I had to wear my hoodie last night and my fan had a great rest. It was raining the whole night yesterday and it doesn't look like it's going to be sunny this week but oh well you can never trust how the weather works.

I got back to driving last week but it was only a practice session with my dad along a rather deserted road and it was very scary because I haven't been driving for a year (yes please don't give me that look). Dad said I'm a rather fast learner but I know myself well. I'm a very clumsy person and I still don't trust myself to operate such a big machine in a place filled with living things. Dad also said a few helpful things such as:

Me: Ooooo look at that dad, there's a line here spray-painted "tamat" omg people use this road to race!
Dad: Yep and I heard many rempit kids died here on there motorbikes. 

I haven't been practising since. Mainly cos I'm lazy. Partially cos dad hasn't got the time to bring me to that road again. And really, I don't enjoy driving to be honest. I could get rich for every ringgit I get when people ask me why don't I drive. I hate my people, my fellow statesmen (and women) who say things such as:

"OHHH how did you come to college today?" or "OHHH how are you going back from college later?"

Then I tell them oh you know, I hopped on a bus this morning. Or, oh, you know, I gotta catch the 3.30pm bus later man.

And they go,

"OHHHH WHY DON'T YOU DRIVEEEE? OHHH YOU'RE SO BRAVE! OHHH I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THE BUSES HERE!"

Like yeah they make it sound like a big deal like ooooo buses are so scary mannn so I might as well bark around social media about how fun it is becoming a bus wanker cos I'm sick of people saying STC buses are damn old and ugly and shouldn't be around anymore, I'm sick of people saying I should drive, I'm sick of people saying public transport is dangerous, I'm sick of people complaining that public transport in Kuching is crap, cos ohhh let's face it, they don't really want to ride on buses anyway. I bet my Bahts they just love complaining. 

I really did get those kind of things being said to me, if you're wondering. I wouldn't be this mad if I didn't.

Fine people, calm down and listen to me if you really want to know why. Driving is stressful and if there's a second option that is less stressful then why make life difficult. And I don't trust myself to drive and endanger the life of others, so I'd rather risk my own life crossing roads and walking to the bus station cos it's never OK to harm others but it's always OK to harm yourself. And yes, bitchachoes, I'm lazy. I want people to drive for me. And I have them drivers and I can sleep and daydream and half-exist and you can never do that if you're the one driving. 

That's pretty much it.

I really don't have any main thing to talk about here. You can probably tell the state that I'm in right now. Bored to death. A bit mad over nothing in particular. Kinda calm at the same time. Not sad at all. Missing someone I don't want the world to know. Bored. Feeling a bit feelingless in general.

Results were out yesterday and I really did scrape some A- so I won't be complaining. I mean, well obviously an A- is still better than a B+ and if you get a B+ it's still better than a B and if you get a B it's still better than a B-. If you're going to only be happy when you get an A+ then obviously there's something wrong about the way you see yourself and your self worth and you putting yoself in danger hun cos you not spossed to place yo value on something so temporary (Yeah I'm obviously tryna act like that never happened to me uh uh.)

See y'all in the next blog post, mysterious readers. 

Happy New Year

Well. Hello.

I'm afraid I've forgotten how to blog here. I've been reading my old posts since October 2016 and it annoys me that everything seems jumbled up on this blog. Narrative, descriptive, reflective, it's like mixed vegetables stirred in a pan.

Things are slowing down at the moment.

Since this is my first post of 2017 then I guess I'm going to make it a bit reflective. But again, I can't seem to stick to one format.

Finals are officially over (I had my last paper on Sunday..) and right now I'm having a semester break which is, well, as usual, not as long as any other uni's semester break, and to be honest I'm really glad it's that way.

Because dios mio, it's only been Day 2 of my semester break but I'm kind of messed up. Yesterday and earlier today I woke up at 6am without my alarm clock, and I'm really impressed with myself. I didn't nap, kept on cooking stuffs and eating, and today I did a massive room-cleaning session which is, as usual, my post-exam ritual every semester.

That's not the end of the story.

I thought I'd be having a break from libraries and buses and coffee to test how far I can go without these three, and to be honest I was doing really well yesterday, but right now I swear the urge is so huge that it's beginning to scare me. But I don't want to give in, and I honestly want to try not going for a week, but man, I really don't know why am I doing this to myself.

I mean I'm alright when I'm all happy and I get to eat with my parents and do all those normal happy family shit that other people do. The urge arises when I feel sad over things, and that's just sad. I mean, shit, am I using buses and libraries and coffee to run away from problems? Maybe they were right. Maybe the sense of attachment has been established. But then isn't it stupid to not choose to do something completely harmless that makes you happy when you know that can make you happy? This is a rhetorical question. Please do not attempt to answer.

Other that that life's been as usual. I'm in some sort of dilemma of letting my hair grow or cutting it short again because I'm starting to have a mullet right now. So far the vote's been rather equal. My mum really wants me to grow my hair like last time, and she kept on saying it makes me look prettier, and to be honest that saddens me because does that mean that she doesn't think I'm pretty with this hair? And will she love me less if I continue to cut my hair? Is she beginning to think that I love short hair because I don't like men? I do like men and want to marry a man one day. But I don't want to be girly because it's damn uncomfortable. Life is so difficult.

Dad, on the other hand, said it's up to me, and it's my hair, and I can do whatever makes me comfortable. Which is, well, rather shocking, because he wasn't very keen of seeing my new haircut last year when I first tried a pixie cut. I think he sort of understands that this haircut had given me more confidence and sense of identity, or maybe he's just being a normal dad who simply loves saying "it's up to you."

Most of my friends have been saying that they prefer seeing me in short hair, and I don't normally listen to my friends more than my mum, but damn it, this time I think I want to listen to them. Sorry mum.

But I'm not cutting my hair just yet, because just like my bus rides and library and coffee test, I want to test myself on how far I can go without cutting my hair yet. Right now there's no sense of urgency to see the hairdresser, but I fear that it's going to grow out quite ugly at the start of the next semester, and what if I cut it after the semester starts and then it turns out uglier, and damn it, why is life so hard.

Apart from lamenting about my hair, there's nothing really much happening. I'm currently reading The Count of Monte Cristo, which is my first book of 2017, but damn it, after 5 chapters in I only realised that it's an abridged version which didn't clearly note that it's abridged, so I was pissed off, in a way. But the storyline is flipping good and I'm just going to keep on reading this until I can afford the Penguin version which is flipping expensive but people say is the best edition out there. Makes me mad because why are good things always flipping expensive.

And oh Ed Sheeran's new single is really nice to listen to because the lyrics are damn nostalgic and it makes me want to cry when he sang the part about his friends doing different stuffs and turning into different kind of adults but the bottom line is that they all raised him and he can't wait to come home like damn, right in the feels.

Exam was kinda shitty btw so I'l be impressed if I can sort of scrape an A- for certain papers but then again it's over and we'll just have to wait and see. Besides, I don't want to get a perfect CGPA but have no time to do the things that I enjoy, like writing, reading, wasting time on bus rides, talk crap with my friends, escaping boring classes, playing guitar, daydreaming and doodling in class, well you get the gist. No one should ever place their happiness below their grades. 

Since when am I a happiness guru? Who am I kidding? Haha.

The bottom line is that well while I'm in the mood let me just write some reflections about the things I've told my parents and third sister (who is someone who shares quite a lot of opposite views with me but strangely I can talk to her without arguing about anything, which is probably one quality I'd want in my future spouse, if I ever get to marry.)

I told them that happiness is rather subjective and I don't want to be too ambitious in life. I told them that if one day I land myself into a job that doesn't pay me much, but allows me to do something I enjoy in my spare time, then I'd be contented enough in life. I don't know exactly when did I start feeling this way, but I think it started around the end of last year especially after I wrote Canned Coffee.

Just like how Dickens said that his favourite among all his works is David Copperfield, I have to say that if I die anytime soon, I want people to quote me saying that my other songs were kind of shit and cringeworthy, but Canned Coffee is undoubtedly my favourite of them all. 

And again, we have reached the point where I have nothing left to say for now. I started a blog on Wordpress about a specific theme but I don't think I want to show it to the world just yet, but again all of my projects seem to die barely halfway through, so I hope this one will stay at least until 31st December this year.

I'm also on my way to read 70 books this year, but damn it I kind of realised that it's kind of a bit too ambitious. Other things to achieve this year include saying thank you after every bus ride, taking more pictures with my parents, collecting enough money to buy a travel guitar, start jogging for real, and oh well, you get the gist. Also, I need to get back to driving and stop being a lazyass. Or chicken. Or both. I don't know why I seem to run away from driving. Oh I know. 

Till we meet again in a better, coherent blog post.

Basically revision and finals were
all about doodling bearded men.