Happy New Year

Well. Hello.

I'm afraid I've forgotten how to blog here. I've been reading my old posts since October 2016 and it annoys me that everything seems jumbled up on this blog. Narrative, descriptive, reflective, it's like mixed vegetables stirred in a pan.

Things are slowing down at the moment.

Since this is my first post of 2017 then I guess I'm going to make it a bit reflective. But again, I can't seem to stick to one format.

Finals are officially over (I had my last paper on Sunday..) and right now I'm having a semester break which is, well, as usual, not as long as any other uni's semester break, and to be honest I'm really glad it's that way.

Because dios mio, it's only been Day 2 of my semester break but I'm kind of messed up. Yesterday and earlier today I woke up at 6am without my alarm clock, and I'm really impressed with myself. I didn't nap, kept on cooking stuffs and eating, and today I did a massive room-cleaning session which is, as usual, my post-exam ritual every semester.

That's not the end of the story.

I thought I'd be having a break from libraries and buses and coffee to test how far I can go without these three, and to be honest I was doing really well yesterday, but right now I swear the urge is so huge that it's beginning to scare me. But I don't want to give in, and I honestly want to try not going for a week, but man, I really don't know why am I doing this to myself.

I mean I'm alright when I'm all happy and I get to eat with my parents and do all those normal happy family shit that other people do. The urge arises when I feel sad over things, and that's just sad. I mean, shit, am I using buses and libraries and coffee to run away from problems? Maybe they were right. Maybe the sense of attachment has been established. But then isn't it stupid to not choose to do something completely harmless that makes you happy when you know that can make you happy? This is a rhetorical question. Please do not attempt to answer.

Other that that life's been as usual. I'm in some sort of dilemma of letting my hair grow or cutting it short again because I'm starting to have a mullet right now. So far the vote's been rather equal. My mum really wants me to grow my hair like last time, and she kept on saying it makes me look prettier, and to be honest that saddens me because does that mean that she doesn't think I'm pretty with this hair? And will she love me less if I continue to cut my hair? Is she beginning to think that I love short hair because I don't like men? I do like men and want to marry a man one day. But I don't want to be girly because it's damn uncomfortable. Life is so difficult.

Dad, on the other hand, said it's up to me, and it's my hair, and I can do whatever makes me comfortable. Which is, well, rather shocking, because he wasn't very keen of seeing my new haircut last year when I first tried a pixie cut. I think he sort of understands that this haircut had given me more confidence and sense of identity, or maybe he's just being a normal dad who simply loves saying "it's up to you."

Most of my friends have been saying that they prefer seeing me in short hair, and I don't normally listen to my friends more than my mum, but damn it, this time I think I want to listen to them. Sorry mum.

But I'm not cutting my hair just yet, because just like my bus rides and library and coffee test, I want to test myself on how far I can go without cutting my hair yet. Right now there's no sense of urgency to see the hairdresser, but I fear that it's going to grow out quite ugly at the start of the next semester, and what if I cut it after the semester starts and then it turns out uglier, and damn it, why is life so hard.

Apart from lamenting about my hair, there's nothing really much happening. I'm currently reading The Count of Monte Cristo, which is my first book of 2017, but damn it, after 5 chapters in I only realised that it's an abridged version which didn't clearly note that it's abridged, so I was pissed off, in a way. But the storyline is flipping good and I'm just going to keep on reading this until I can afford the Penguin version which is flipping expensive but people say is the best edition out there. Makes me mad because why are good things always flipping expensive.

And oh Ed Sheeran's new single is really nice to listen to because the lyrics are damn nostalgic and it makes me want to cry when he sang the part about his friends doing different stuffs and turning into different kind of adults but the bottom line is that they all raised him and he can't wait to come home like damn, right in the feels.

Exam was kinda shitty btw so I'l be impressed if I can sort of scrape an A- for certain papers but then again it's over and we'll just have to wait and see. Besides, I don't want to get a perfect CGPA but have no time to do the things that I enjoy, like writing, reading, wasting time on bus rides, talk crap with my friends, escaping boring classes, playing guitar, daydreaming and doodling in class, well you get the gist. No one should ever place their happiness below their grades. 

Since when am I a happiness guru? Who am I kidding? Haha.

The bottom line is that well while I'm in the mood let me just write some reflections about the things I've told my parents and third sister (who is someone who shares quite a lot of opposite views with me but strangely I can talk to her without arguing about anything, which is probably one quality I'd want in my future spouse, if I ever get to marry.)

I told them that happiness is rather subjective and I don't want to be too ambitious in life. I told them that if one day I land myself into a job that doesn't pay me much, but allows me to do something I enjoy in my spare time, then I'd be contented enough in life. I don't know exactly when did I start feeling this way, but I think it started around the end of last year especially after I wrote Canned Coffee.

Just like how Dickens said that his favourite among all his works is David Copperfield, I have to say that if I die anytime soon, I want people to quote me saying that my other songs were kind of shit and cringeworthy, but Canned Coffee is undoubtedly my favourite of them all. 

And again, we have reached the point where I have nothing left to say for now. I started a blog on Wordpress about a specific theme but I don't think I want to show it to the world just yet, but again all of my projects seem to die barely halfway through, so I hope this one will stay at least until 31st December this year.

I'm also on my way to read 70 books this year, but damn it I kind of realised that it's kind of a bit too ambitious. Other things to achieve this year include saying thank you after every bus ride, taking more pictures with my parents, collecting enough money to buy a travel guitar, start jogging for real, and oh well, you get the gist. Also, I need to get back to driving and stop being a lazyass. Or chicken. Or both. I don't know why I seem to run away from driving. Oh I know. 

Till we meet again in a better, coherent blog post.

Basically revision and finals were
all about doodling bearded men.