Hello (and Goodbye)

Whew.

Where had I been? It feels strange coming here back again after leaving for quite a long time. My last post was in March, and it wasn't a happy one apparently. 

Somewhere along the line I had probably convinced myself that blogging is such a childish thing to do because I shouldn't give people the privilege of reading about my semi-personal life. And probably I told myself to adult up because truly these days who the heck reads blogs anymore? 

But I'm coming back, because as how it has always been in the last several years, I've seem to keep a ritual of writing a reflective post to close the year and welcome the new year.

I can't really define 2017 in one word. Just how it is about life, there were moments of agony, there were pure moments of excitement and euphoria, then it all went down again, then up, then down, then well, it isn't supposed to be shocking. That's just the way things go.

And just like any other years, January, February, March, April, all those months up until summer seem so blurry, as if those days were in a whole different year altogether. 

But there's something about this year which made it so special—how obvious it was to me that I was indeed going through some remarkable changes, how things that scared me no longer scares me. And what made it better was that I had the conscious effort to overcome this right from the beginning of the year, so it felt as if a new year resolution was accomplished.

That thing was simply the desire to be courageous and confident to speak to people.

Back in a few years ago I would gladly avoid eye contact but these days it seems damn easy to smile at people. I'm not saying that it's completely not scary to do anymore, but I do realise that I fight my fears more than I've ever done. The old me used to almost always run away from responsibilities and make excuses, but this year I've noticed how being forced to take up a responsibility (or being forced to face my fears) had all changed me into this person that I kind of like. 

And bus rides, oh bus rides. Since summer 2016 I've developed this strange liking towards bus rides, which wasn't something I had expected since I never really liked the routine when it all first started. But as the year ended and 2017 began, I made this conscious effort to view bus rides as something that could give me something, just something, like a lesson, like a paid course in university. 

And so I chose to let my guard down a bit, fought away my paranoia and ignored warnings from friends and family to be careful around strangers. I talked to strangers whenever I had the chance. I smiled at passengers who I felt like smiling at. I began to show a little bit of courage to interact with the bus drivers who had been nice to me. 

The results were remarkable. 

In fact, if there's something I want to give credit to, which contributed the most towards my growth this year, I'd name bus rides as the main cause to all these great stuff. Second would be English Club, which definitely wasn't easy to handle and wasn't always fun, but played a huge role at shaping me this year. But I'm not here to talk much about English Club.

So back to bus rides, I'm not even kidding when I said that it became the main thing that changed me. I could never imagine myself initiating a conversation with grown up men (the drivers), or asking them whether they had taken their lunch, or giving them free canned coffee, but I did all that. I had never imagined talking to other passengers, developing a certain bond with them that some of them, whenever they see me, greet me like a friend. Me, this timid kid who used to be scared of ordering KFC at the age of 18. Me, this person who used to be too self-conscious and afraid of making mistakes because my family always told me I was doing it wrong when interacting with people. Bus rides, they liberated me. They allowed me to become my own self, to let me just do it and laugh at my own mistakes or learn from it, without anyone else being tied to my identity and scrutinising each step that I take, ready to comment on my mistakes. And that's why bus rides had sort of become my escape place.

And the best thing about that? 

I am about to become a published author!

This is probably the first time I've ever felt genuinely proud of my effort in many years. It feels weird to allow myself to feel this excitement, but for may years it had been quite a struggle to convince myself that I'm going in the right direction.

Writing has always been part of me. This blog alone was something I started in 2008, and I had been keeping a journal since 2007. Come to think of it, my manuscript wasn't just something that I produced in six months, it was in fact an accumulation of little things I've collected along my journey since high school. 

But I do realise that if things didn't happen the way it is, I wouldn't have been riding buses regularly. And that means I wouldn't have come up with this story and sent it to the publisher for the contest. 

It feels surreal. I never imagined my 2017 would be this way when the year first started. The days hadn't always been pleasant to begin with. Of course life is still full of shit. And that's why when things like this happen, I feel like weeping. I feel like weeping because it's been a very tiring journey and for once when something good like this happens you feel like you've been given a license to stop for a while and give yourself a pat on the back. 

Even right now as I'm writing this, I still have the struggles with me, as always. They never really leave you of course. The good feeling is there, but the bad one resides the same spot too, so it's hard to describe. And as always, entering into a new year is indeed something scary. It's the path of uncertainty which never makes me feel pleasant. Besides, 2018 will bring quite a few changes in my life which had, in the past few years, been rather like a routine. It had always been the same thing happening over and over again, added with just a little variety, because the time period was all in one same chapter. Leaving this year would mean closing an old chapter. I'm about to graduate, my novel will be published, I may not have the chance anymore to board buses regularly, farewells will happen, farewells involving good friends who had been there in the picture since mid 2014. And of course since the bus people had carried a lot of meaning in my journey as a passenger, I'll miss them terribly as well, as much as I'm surely going to miss my friends. I'll miss some of the drivers who had taught me a lot about life like real teachers in school. I'll miss some familiar passengers who had been kind in their words and gestures, reminding me that when shit happens, at least I have complete strangers to remind me that life is worth living after all.

I'll miss a lot of things in this familiar routine I've been living through in 2017, I really will. But all things must come to an end, I understand. And who knows what 2018 will bring? I wasn't quite sure about stepping into 2017 as well. I had never imagined some of the good things that happened this year. And by that I believe 2018 will surprise me in good ways as well. Sure, there are definitely going to be bad days, as you can never escape from that reality of life. But I'm pretty sure I'll continue to grow and learn as much as I've learnt this year.

And well, there's no use being too sappy because tomorrow's just going to be another day of living. I mean well yes tonight a line is drawn to mark a certain milestone or an ending/starting, but come to think of it, that's basically the same thing about birthdays or the beginnings of each season. It will be a nice thing though to read this in a year and laugh at myself, so I'm just going to post this.

Will I be back here? I don't know. It's fun to write and reflect, but these days I have other mediums, so this blog will probably be abandoned again. I'm still writing, I'll never stop. And my wish for 2018 is that I'll never run out of things to write about. I'll stop wishing to start jogging because that will never happen. And I will stop making unrealistic goals of reading 70 books. 

And well, that's basically it. I'm listening to fireworks right now as I'm sitting in my room. I'm smiling alone, I feel a bit hollow, I feel a bit like laughing. It's that strange mixture of emotions that makes new year's eve a rather interesting night. Hopefully next year as I sit and reflect on this table once again, I'll get this same feeling of gratefulness on how much I've learnt and grown. Till then, happy new year 2018. May everyone feel happiness in the little things each day of the year.