Farewell to a Friend

Things like these are easier to type out if we're talking about a dead person. A living thing that has lost its life. A friend. 

But I befriended buses once upon a time, and 22 days after the passing of STC buses, I'm still here feeling like a lousy friend who didn't get to revisit my dying, sickly, friend suffering of a silent terminal illness. 

This year's summer marks the summer where I could sing the lyrics to one of my favourite Thai songs, which simply goes

Standing looking at the sky,

it's not like it used to be

This summer I don't have you like before, like in the old days

And I can't help to not think of Summer 2016 when I first felt the true joy of busriding, when everything slowly turned into a crutch because life went spiralling down after that summer. And bus rides was the thing that saved me. Specifically, Spaceship and Creeks saved me. I remember dark early mornings on Creeks, feeling cold and alone but belonged, always excited to see the driver's comforting, fatherly smile accompanied by his jovial remarks that made me feel I was cared about. I remember going back in the late afternoons on Spaceship, sweat dripping at the back of my neck, and I'd refuse to take my hoodie off until it became too warm for me to act cool anymore. And on Spaceship I always felt welcomed, like the bus was mine, and since every single adult around me kept on losing their shit at that time, the driver became my silent teacher, teaching me the ways of patience and calmness through his actions and expressions.

It's not hard to see why I can't move on. I had high hopes to tell my favourite drivers that I managed to get a novel published, that I'm graduating first class honours and that I'm genuinely thankful for their presence in my life throughout my university years. It may sound odd that I have this inexplicable fondness towards them and their buses, but those were the things and people who were there for me when I thought of jumping off a building. And the sad thing is that they'll never know how much of an impact they have truly left in my life. And worse still, after this news, I'm pretty sure I'll never get to see them ever again in my lifetime. I never really had the chance to say thank you. And not being able to say thank you pains me.

As for the buses, I'm just disappointed that I never knew it would be this fast, this year, this moment when I was away being busy with a routine I couldn't escape and worse still, I actually did have a chance to come back if I knew but I didn't know it was about to happen. Hence, it felt like a lost chance although I had tried to let go since February, preparing myself for the possibility that this could happen when I was away. But the difference is, I was pretty sure I had more chances to go back and sit and hop on another creaky ride. 

It's a really hard time for me but unfortunately there's no one who can talk to my about it and make me feel better because I'm like the only one feeling this way. I can't imagine the next few weeks and months trying to cope with life and realising that one of my crutches is really gone out there. And every act of looking back just hurts me. I'm supposed to feel happy about the good memories but nostalgia leaves an empty hole in my heart right now and I wish I can just forget it all as if everything hadn't carried any meaning at all for me. At this rate I'm also beginning to worry that if I could feel this intensely towards the death of buses and farewell to strangers, then in the future surely a breakup or death of a loved one will wreck me even worse. 

And these feelings, everything, every thought, every reaction, just made me realise that I haven't changed a bit after all. I'm still weak as ever, still missing a lot of things in the past, still hoping for a hope to continue living, still finding that something that can fill in this constant void that refuses to leave me. 

But this summer, surely I am allowed to grieve for a friend I've lost, for a crutch taken away from me while I'm still struggling to walk. I'm not sure for how long I will continue to mourn, but I hope one day I'll find something that will make me whole again, just like how bus rides made me whole again on that summer that has long gone. 

Goodbye Spaceship, goodbye Creeks. 

Thank you for saving my life so many times.