#1 Monday the 14th

Here we go again.

I never thought I'd be coming back here. After all the years of typing out my end-of-year reflections, last year I have failed miserably and sometimes I feel like I don't even have the proper time to sit and reflect. But wasn't that what I asked for?

Somewhere in the middle of last year I hoped for a time where I'd be busy so that I could distract myself away from the thoughts of what had passed. I got what I wanted, I believe. But sometimes when I'm tired I begin to realise that not having the time to sit and reflect is also not cool.

I'm typing this out tonight because in a few hours I am going to take one crucial step in my life. I hate to sound dramatic, but I believe what's going to happen in a few hours' time is going to either build me of break me. I've never done this before, so I'm anxious. 

When I took the first step about two weeks ago, I was excited about it. I was in a good state, in high spirits, a bit optimistic than usual. But who would've thought that in a few days after that something happened again and it left me to reflect on how much I needed this. But again, the past two to three days things seemed to be looking up, so tonight I'm not sure. I'm not sure whether confronting my demons at this moment is really needed. I'm not sure whether this step is necessary. And above all, I suddenly feel reluctant to even think about what's been bothering me all this while. It suddenly feels alright. 

I've never sought professional help. I'm not sure whether it's a wise step. So I think it's natural to feel scared. What if I hear things that I won't like tomorrow? What if the truth comes with more pain than what I've endured? All of a sudden everything feels like it's not worth it, but it's already too late. I can't cancel things. And I admit, as much as I am scared, I really want to check out how helpful it's going to be for me. Even if it won't be helpful I just want to try it for once.

I'm not sure how I'm going to be tomorrow. I'm not sure whether I'll come back with a different thought. I'm not sure whether I'll see my family, friends, and workmates the same way again. As much as I want to fix this thing, a part of me says there's nothing much to be fixed anyway. What if it ruins my whole perception about everything? What if some steps are harder than I think they are? I'm still young anyway, all I want to do right now is live my life and laugh along my workmates, do stuff I enjoy, so what if actually there's nothing wrong about me and my whole situation?

I don't know. It's so easy to change my mind when I'm feeling good like today. But I admit it was hard when minor inconveniences happen. That's when the monster rises above me, talking louder than my own real voice. 

I'm liking my current chapter, to be honest. I have wonderful people around me, I still have some friends from my previous chapter, and as much as I feel frustrated over things, I know my parents love me. I'm not doing things that are expected of me, but I'm contented. I get tired occasionally, but that's normal. I feel like sleeping behind the wheels on some days, but that's normal. I feel lonely at times, but that's probably just because I fail to see how lucky I am to actually be surrounded by people who do enjoy my company. It's easy to forget when I don't feel as good as today. It's easier to believe the other way round. I don't get why that happens. 

For now I guess as there's nothing much I can do, I'll just go ahead with what I promised for tomorrow. Maybe it'll be like my 2016 trip to Serian. I'm not sure. 

I guess in the end it's just like what everyone says, the first step is always the hardest. With that, I can only hope that I've walked past the hardest part.