What on Earth

What on earth am I doing here?

2022.

I'm still alive. Well, barely. I read some previous posts I made a few years ago. Fears and all that. It's funny because the fears are still there but some have taken shape into different forms.

A week ago I wanted to hang myself. 

No kidding.

I sent myself to a crowded morning clinic, did the DASS, had "severe depression" written on my card. After that? Nothing happened. I'm still alive, although some nights I do still think of how does it feel like to get to the other side, to finish this all, because really the journey has become too long and I'm tired and I've seen enough.

Kitty died. 

Kitty died a week ago, on 3rd August 2022. Or maybe somewhere before midnight on 2nd August. I wasn't there to say goodbye to her. The last I saw her was in early June when I came back for the holidays. I had fears of losing her when I first moved here in April. 2022 sucks.

And it's not only that. 

I lost the guy I love, or loved, or thought I loved. I don't know which is correct, at the rate how things are going now. I don't even know when's the official breakup date. Just on 28th June something shitty happened and the whole July was a mess, and the first week of August was a total wreck for me.

I'm writing this down as if it's a diary entry of a teen in a YA novel, all angst and anger, but comedic. The fact is it isn't. It's painful as hell. When Kitty died it wrecked me further, because I realised when I came back here in June it was the final time things were "normal" back in Kuching. My next holiday is going to be completely different. And I hate different. I hate changes. I hate growth! I hate the fact that things are temporary but my own death is coming too slow!

It's not like I really want to die. I'm sure if Death came knocking at my door (a rented room in a rented house) tonight, I'd shit my pants. But really I'm just tired. If I jumped off Saujana in 2016 I wouldn't have to work where I worked at, met him, fell in love and end up with this pain I'll perhaps carry for a lifetime. I don't know if this is just a fresh wound and I'm being overly dramatic, but I'm still in denial and it hurts as hell to watch a person change right in front of your very eyes, turning into a monster you no longer recognise. The same person who sent you good morning texts and video called you and said he loves you and talked to you daily about the smallest things in your boring routine! How could someone maintain a deception and transform in a blink of an eye--without any arguments, no warnings, nothing.

But I guess things were doomed to fail and the past almost-three years were a lie after all, as how he worded it. A lie. That's what he said. Well fuck, right.

For many years I knew that trusting people is a mistake, and that everything is a lie. An then for two years I let my guard down, and quoting Lewis Capaldi, he pulled the rug. 

The big question now is will I ever heal?

The second big question is will I actually live to see my greatest fear, which is to die alone, old, wrinkly, never been loved and cared and protected by a life companion?

Will I always remember him fondly, even when I'm like 65? Because damn that will hurt.

I got what I wanted this year. A job. A job I knew would give me some sense of better purpose in life, unlike those sucky retail jobs I've had (and feared of having until old age). 

But why do things still feel wrong?

What is this constant chase for more? What is this void that never got filled?

I'm in a small town now, it's like where I lived at in Kuching. Quite suburb, has a little small town vibe to it. It's not entirely bad. In fact, for the whole months of April, May and June I think I was contented about things. I was settling down. And then came late June and July and now I want to die once again, the feeling I've realised I lost when I worked my last retail job. (I remember very vividly I was just between the aisles of stationeries realising I didn't have suicidal thoughts for probably months despite the harsh working conditions and long hours, and I had goosebumps because for the first time things felt normal).

But now I guess I'm back to square one.

It's not like I'm crying now. (Which is weird). I'll probably cry and wet my pillow before my eyes shut down tonight. I won't lie and say I don't miss him. He's been a huge part of my life in the past three years, sharing hobbies, reading the same books, telling punny jokes, all those quirky stuff I always dreamt of having someone to share with. 

And now he's gone, just like that. In the arms of someone else.

No hope of getting back with me, because I know his family disapproves.

And again, he's turning into someone I don't recognise anymore.

I said Kitty died.

And he said "I thought we stopped."

And he wants me to be "Gone forever," which hurts like hell because to be gone forever means to die.

And again I know it sounds stupid but I do feel like dying and just giving him what he wants--me to be gone forever. How would he like that?

But then I can't, because there's my favourite nephew who'll grow up and learn his Monono died of suicide and I can't do that to him. And my kids at school. They're teens. I'm supposed to live and be here until life decides for me my time is up.

Which sucks, but what choice do I have?

I have so many other people to consider and now this is sending me to tears. Because my mum will definitely be crushed. And again, my kids. And again, my little nephew. 

I have a fantasy that if I cross to the other side I'll probably be free from all this heartache and see Kitty again and everything else won't matter.

But of course I'm scared. I can't commit to the idea.

I want to type "What did I do to deserve this?" but that sounds whiny because I'm not the only person on earth facing a tragedy (or perhaps this is just a minor inconvenience).

But really, I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. I miss the feeling of crawling into someone's big, fat arms, getting a nice warm hug and someone telling me it'll be alright. And someone promising me to be there. The comfort, the security. 

I can't do this on my own. 

I hope this isn't the last post I'll hit publish here, because if that's the case then probably I did it, I made it to the other side and mustered up my courage to end all this.