2025: Whew

 So we made it into another year.

1st February 2025.

I did something today. I went to the zoo. With someone new, someone I wouldn’t even expect I’d meet in this phase of life.

The excitement still hasn’t died down, and amidst that excitement of course there is fear.

The good ol’ classic fear of abandonment.

So I got to know A around November last year. It was just something random and spontaneous. We went out to the movies in December, and since then it’s been an on-and-off thing.

I know A isn’t ready for a new relationship.

I know I don’t want to be with someone who’s not ready.

And of course, there’s a bunch of things I don’t know. I learnt that assumption isn’t good, and neither is overthinking.

So as I lie in bed tonight, I just want to appreciate today. The jokes, the laughs that I had with A. The fact that he agreed to come and spend his time. The moment he helped me wear his full face helmet. The way he held the door. 

People would say it’s common courtesy. And obviously I don’t know him well enough. But I like this day. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Oh, to be smitten. Oh, to feel that excitement, that rush. 

I’m not innocent to label it as love. My past experience taught me well. But I’m giddy. I’m enjoying this. And I want more.

To even think of this day—riding at the back of a Yamaha R25 in JB… it’s something I never imagined would happen in my lifetime. It just felt so surreal, looking at the tall buildings, listening to the purr of his bike’s engine, pinching is shirt to stay balanced behind. 

I know, this is just the second time seeing him and I shouldn’t allow my expectations to get too high. I wonder what would my counsellor say if I still met her. I had my last session last year around October or something. We concluded I was already capable of taking care of myself. I wonder how would she react if she heard about today. Is this a good beginning, or am I putting myself at risk?

I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of getting my heart broken. 

But I want this one to work out. 

Please, please just let this one work out.