Sometimes

Sometimes I just wonder, what should I do in order to lift away the big hand that's squeezing my brain. 

And it leaves me alone sometimes. Two hours, three hours, maybe four.

But never a day. Never for the whole day. Or two consecutive days. What more to say beyond that.

We just hate to admit that we all have that big hand, don't we? 

Or maybe not all of us have it. But the small majority that does, remain in the cycle of wishful thinking.

My Second Fingerstyle Cover

It feels so nice to have to time and chance to learn fingerstyle, after years and years believing that I'll never get to do so. It's been six years since I first watched Sungha Jung's videos. If I started to learn straight away during those days, I could've been better now. But well, it's better late than never.

I still find it hard to play without making any mistakes, but I guess it's normal for anyone who has just started playing fingerstyle. I visited many fingerstyle channels and watched their first few videos, and it's completely normal to not have the ability to play perfectly.

This one took me about less than two weeks to learn and almost 30 attempts of recording. I needed to rush to play it since my eczema is eating up my left index finger - which means if it spreads to my fingertips, ha ha ha, habislah. 

Information about this song can be found in the video description. It's pretty much an emo song and I understand people don't like being emo hahah. But I love this song (although I'm not really crazy about the movie). The lyrics are a bit corny and mushy but I guess those are some of the things I love and can never get rid of.

I'm still thinking of what to learn next. I wish I can arrange tabs by myself, but that's something too ambitious to attempt right now.

These are the days where I find myself so happy that at least I've achieved something, but I know it doesn't normally last too long. On a side note, my favourite sister is leaving home tomorrow to continue her studies, and it sucks to see all of my favourite people leaving me behind one by one.

To my favourite people out there, จะได้ไม่ลืมเธอ.

I Wish You Knew

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I don't get why girls chase after scumbags. I can never comprehend why does love make you truly blind. I don't understand why we love to be in a cycle of pain or in the first place jump into that cycle when we know that the other person will just continue to hurt us.

Truly I have no rights to speak. I am young, I've never been in a relationship to grasp the concept of loving someone and loving their dog. Screw idioms. Relationships should be about responsibilities, not about having the rights to make your attitude as an excuse to hurt someone.

Talk About It

It's been more than a week. I guess. It's visiting me again. I can't sleep at night, no matter how long I lie down.

I've tried talking. I've tried listening to songs. I've tried laughing at silly photos. I've tried spending most of my time on my guitar. I've tried to focus less on myself and more on others by providing words of encouragement anonymously to some people. I've tried drinking more water. I've tried to control my thoughts. I've tried not to blog like how I used to do.

I guess that's the problem.

The more I suppress it, the bigger it gets. The more pretentious I become about my emotions, the harder it fights back. I no longer recognise this monster that I've been feeding all this while. 

It allows me to laugh when I'm extremely happy but the time it allows me to do so is short-lived. It allows me to talk to my friends but it restricts so many areas that I used to share. It tells me I'm strong enough to paddle my own boat, but it sends me a continuous series of small waves, insignificant reasons to cause me from being unreasonably afraid of falling into the ocean that seems so ready to swallow me again.

I now have five spots of eczema on my right hand, which I fear is being the clear indication that my stress level might be higher than I think it is. One is even very close to my fingertip, which has never happened and it worries me that I might not be able to play guitar for a while if it worsens.

There's a very thin line between exaggerating stuffs and being worried that I feel that maybe I'm just exaggerating after all.

Some Days

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world.

Some days I just feel so inexplicably sad when doing stupid things like listening to sad songs.

Don't go telling me not to listen to sad songs. I don't know. Being sad doesn't make me happy. Being sad makes me less sad. Being less sad still means I'm sad, but I just can't figure out why am I sad.