Thoughts on Turning Twenty

I always thought I was going to die at 16, or 18, don't ask me why, because truthfully I don't know why.

Here I am today. I smile a lot better in pictures compared to four or five years ago, and despite so many moments of hopelessness, I've lived through them just because I don't dare to injure myself. Or probably just because I haven't had the chance to own an electric guitar yet. For whichever reason it shall be, I'm just trying to say that sometimes life really sucks but it's impressive how you wait for another morning and expect better things to come your way.

God is still in the picture, although I've been misunderstood so many times due to my abrupt decisions and unfathomable actions. For that reason, I've learnt to keep silent to a few individuals and parties, not because of resentment, but more because the fear of being judged, for I know well that the human mind is of immeasurable complexity - one moment your flaws are revealed, they stop looking at you the way they did in the first place.

I'd like to not over-complicate my thoughts about my Creator, or measure my faith by my deeds, and if people around me will care to respect my point of view, I'd be grateful enough that someone understands.

These past two years has honestly been a humbling experience, although I also know that that was not necessarily true - humble, I say, but some moments I fight, I rebel, I hate, and I shout in anger within my mind. However it was these moments which taught me well on how to not judge those on the streets, those who give up on their lives, and those who are merely floating like worthless dust, and those who blame God and others. I've learnt that what you say to a hopeless person can do two things - either build or break, and sometimes both. I've learnt that sometimes those who are silent are not necessarily ignorant, and sometimes anger is just a shield built by an individual, with the hope that someone else will try to help to break it. Anger is temporary, and when someone never gives up on an angry, screaming person, things can change. Or so I believe.

I'm talking crap, I know, but with this blog entry, I just want to share my heart out, what it feels like to be still alive, filled with emotions and questions, uncertainties and the yearning to be understood, accepted, and loved, despite having a heart packed to the brim with imperfections and disappointment.

I am Fee, and that was an honest entry. Whether you like it or not, it's OK. It's not to late to stay away from me, or continue loving me like you already have been doing. It's your choice, and I can read obvious actions, so don't worry. 

Forgive me for any confusing statements, and thank you to those who have been making my world a wonderful place to live in.