Opening Up Again

Day by day I begin to develop the thought that what I feel and what I always want to say does not matter after all. Emotions are insignificant when you choose to perceive them as insignificant. Human beings are rather impressive creatures. We adapt to things, and we are capable of adapting no matter what.

Words are not the ultimate cure and perhaps will never be. While it is capable of causing a long-lasting destruction, no words can actually solve problems if the bearer of the calamity does not begin to realise or learn to see things by himself. Talking and opening up might to a certain extent lighten the burden, but somewhere, somehow, something will still remain there and be ready to surface up, unless he who holds the emotions learn to conquer them in spite of all the changes that might occur.

Changes will occur. We hate the inevitable, but nothing much can be done but to slowly accept and appreciate things. Many things have changed. I am in no position to judge the changes in my attitude and say that I've grown up, because I know some things inside still remain and linger silently. But I do know now that nobody owes me anything. Knowing alone is not important, because I always knew so, but fully understanding it is a different thing altogether. I no longer feel the need to keep on pointing fingers to many people whom I've met in the past two and a half years. I kid you not, the temptation was so strong. For months, I carried a deep resentment towards so many people.

But those months also taught me to see what if I was on the other side of the fence. In fact, I can somehow say how it feels to have been on both sides in just a few months. It feels weird. It feels strange. And perhaps because of that, I see it as a privilege.

From a position of attempting to blame and keeping a hidden feeling of wanting to blame, I've tasted the humiliation of being dragged in a blame game. Being the one who thought of death, I saw death in a different perspective and how painful it is to bear for a 15 year-old boy who had lost a father. Being the one who always received words of encouragement, I frequently found myself in a position where I wanted to be the one to provide, but ended up being surprised on how tough it is to be the helper and constant companion of an aching soul. Indeed, there are too many things we as human beings can never achieve. We can never fulfil the role of God. 

There are many people in my life whom I know are going through tough things. I wish they knew that when no one comes forward directly to console, it doesn't mean that they are insignificant beings. Sometimes you don't do it because you might offend them. Sometimes it's because you were never quite close to them in the first place. Sometimes you fear it'll be awkward and sound pretentious. But the best thing is when sometimes you just know that they will be alright, and it's when you give them the time to get up on their feet, you'll see them get up and go on with life.

Now picture yourself on both sides of the situation.