Sometimes

Sometimes I just wonder, what should I do in order to lift away the big hand that's squeezing my brain. 

And it leaves me alone sometimes. Two hours, three hours, maybe four.

But never a day. Never for the whole day. Or two consecutive days. What more to say beyond that.

We just hate to admit that we all have that big hand, don't we? 

Or maybe not all of us have it. But the small majority that does, remain in the cycle of wishful thinking.

My Second Fingerstyle Cover

It feels so nice to have to time and chance to learn fingerstyle, after years and years believing that I'll never get to do so. It's been six years since I first watched Sungha Jung's videos. If I started to learn straight away during those days, I could've been better now. But well, it's better late than never.

I still find it hard to play without making any mistakes, but I guess it's normal for anyone who has just started playing fingerstyle. I visited many fingerstyle channels and watched their first few videos, and it's completely normal to not have the ability to play perfectly.

This one took me about less than two weeks to learn and almost 30 attempts of recording. I needed to rush to play it since my eczema is eating up my left index finger - which means if it spreads to my fingertips, ha ha ha, habislah. 

Information about this song can be found in the video description. It's pretty much an emo song and I understand people don't like being emo hahah. But I love this song (although I'm not really crazy about the movie). The lyrics are a bit corny and mushy but I guess those are some of the things I love and can never get rid of.

I'm still thinking of what to learn next. I wish I can arrange tabs by myself, but that's something too ambitious to attempt right now.

These are the days where I find myself so happy that at least I've achieved something, but I know it doesn't normally last too long. On a side note, my favourite sister is leaving home tomorrow to continue her studies, and it sucks to see all of my favourite people leaving me behind one by one.

To my favourite people out there, จะได้ไม่ลืมเธอ.

I Wish You Knew

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I don't get why girls chase after scumbags. I can never comprehend why does love make you truly blind. I don't understand why we love to be in a cycle of pain or in the first place jump into that cycle when we know that the other person will just continue to hurt us.

Truly I have no rights to speak. I am young, I've never been in a relationship to grasp the concept of loving someone and loving their dog. Screw idioms. Relationships should be about responsibilities, not about having the rights to make your attitude as an excuse to hurt someone.

Talk About It

It's been more than a week. I guess. It's visiting me again. I can't sleep at night, no matter how long I lie down.

I've tried talking. I've tried listening to songs. I've tried laughing at silly photos. I've tried spending most of my time on my guitar. I've tried to focus less on myself and more on others by providing words of encouragement anonymously to some people. I've tried drinking more water. I've tried to control my thoughts. I've tried not to blog like how I used to do.

I guess that's the problem.

The more I suppress it, the bigger it gets. The more pretentious I become about my emotions, the harder it fights back. I no longer recognise this monster that I've been feeding all this while. 

It allows me to laugh when I'm extremely happy but the time it allows me to do so is short-lived. It allows me to talk to my friends but it restricts so many areas that I used to share. It tells me I'm strong enough to paddle my own boat, but it sends me a continuous series of small waves, insignificant reasons to cause me from being unreasonably afraid of falling into the ocean that seems so ready to swallow me again.

I now have five spots of eczema on my right hand, which I fear is being the clear indication that my stress level might be higher than I think it is. One is even very close to my fingertip, which has never happened and it worries me that I might not be able to play guitar for a while if it worsens.

There's a very thin line between exaggerating stuffs and being worried that I feel that maybe I'm just exaggerating after all.

Some Days

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world.

Some days I just feel so inexplicably sad when doing stupid things like listening to sad songs.

Don't go telling me not to listen to sad songs. I don't know. Being sad doesn't make me happy. Being sad makes me less sad. Being less sad still means I'm sad, but I just can't figure out why am I sad.

Raison d'être

I kinda figured that I am not emo, I'm just simply bored. Yep, I'm just pure bored. 

So before I get deceived by my thoughts that say my current point of life is so meaningless, I decided to do something challenging. A guy on YouTube uploaded a fingerstyle version of one of my favourite songs. Sadly there were no tabs and it's not easy to find fingerstyle tabs of Thai songs.

Good thing is that he recorded a close-up shot so yayyy! I just had to follow his fingers and listen to each note very carefully.

But nope, it wasn't easy at all for a noob like me. This must be one of the craziest guitar-related things I've ever attempted. Took me five days (ohkay actually I took 2 days off so those didn't count..). I didn't do anything else, just played the video over and over again, didn't sleep for one whole night because I couldn't stop (stopping makes it harder to start again). 

 And tonight I managed to transcribe the tabs until the end yayyy! It feels so nice to be able to do something that makes me feel I have a raison d'être.

I can't imagine my life without my guitar. 

Yayyy!

So now the adventure begins. Next target is to learn to play this song within one month. I hope I just don't give up, so that next I'll be able to learn River Flows in You (abandoned project...), Ode to Joy, When You Say Nothing at All, Yesterday, In My Life, Under the Sea, and oh, be the next Sungha Jung. Of course I was just kidding.

I'm also planning to repair my second guitar by myself since the shops won't accept him. I don't want a guitar to end up as a garbage. It's cheap, but it doesn't deserve to be thrown away (or smashed..).

I guess life's good, can't complain much.

Drama

Here we go again.

Oh dear. I don't even know what I'm still looking for. Sheesh I miss being so young and innocent and bitchy. But sometimes I feel this emptiness revisiting me again and again, although I have so many things and time to do whatever I love. 

I am so ashamed of typing this out hahah. I promised not to be like the previous version of me. Y'know, like, "Heyyy Fee how's it going?" and then I answer: "Oh nooo my life suckssss I just wanna vanishhh." You see, my age no longer permits me to do so. I'm going reach adulthood for goodness sake. I can't complain like a teenager. But I want to. I really really want to. But there's a voice inside my head telling me not to do so. 

I don't want to be the slave of my emotions, but I'm trapped in between expressing my feelings and keeping things to myself. 

In other words, I feel so emo.

I feel so emo but I'm so ashamed to say it because I don't want people to sympathise on me like always. I fear I'll be accustomed to receiving sympathy to the point that I can't even help myself to help myself. It sounds so darn egoistic (ohkay this might not be the right word), but there's nothing good when you find yourself needing someone to help paddle your boat out of your problems all the time. 

I yearn for the day when I can finally love myself and stop seeing myself the way I see myself since I-don't-know-when. I hate not being able to master the art of not giving a damn.

Anyway in case that my never-ending drama makes you annoyed, I'm so sorry.

This is just too awkward.

Taa daaa. All these while I was acting macho. I'm still having corny and mushy thoughts. Sometimes I just want to pop up and say how I miss so many people, but it might sound so terribly awkward.

To summarise, I think I haven't changed much. I just acted as if I did. And I'm acting as if I don't care while the truth is, man, I have so many things to say. I want to speak. I want to speak English again. I want to laugh with friends, not laugh while watching sitcoms alone (#foreveralone). I want to go to CA practice session, not play guitar alone without any purpose. 

There are times I love being alone, in fact I always love being alone. But these times remind me the goodness of having constant company, and I really miss being part of something because trust me, all my life, I never had much chances to be in one that I truly love, surrounded by friends who I still miss.

I can't just say "I miss you *insert heart shape*" to everyone unless they've seen a lot of my lameness but yeah, that's all I want to do so badly right now.

I've changed topic but who cares, I'm pretty much drama-ing from the start to the end.

Rarrggghh

Teka-teki of the month..

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Pictorial description of getting a wisdom tooth. It's like there's an angry little man living in your mouth, constantly striking your gums with a sledgehammer. This pain makes me emo.