Drama

Here we go again.

Oh dear. I don't even know what I'm still looking for. Sheesh I miss being so young and innocent and bitchy. But sometimes I feel this emptiness revisiting me again and again, although I have so many things and time to do whatever I love. 

I am so ashamed of typing this out hahah. I promised not to be like the previous version of me. Y'know, like, "Heyyy Fee how's it going?" and then I answer: "Oh nooo my life suckssss I just wanna vanishhh." You see, my age no longer permits me to do so. I'm going reach adulthood for goodness sake. I can't complain like a teenager. But I want to. I really really want to. But there's a voice inside my head telling me not to do so. 

I don't want to be the slave of my emotions, but I'm trapped in between expressing my feelings and keeping things to myself. 

In other words, I feel so emo.

I feel so emo but I'm so ashamed to say it because I don't want people to sympathise on me like always. I fear I'll be accustomed to receiving sympathy to the point that I can't even help myself to help myself. It sounds so darn egoistic (ohkay this might not be the right word), but there's nothing good when you find yourself needing someone to help paddle your boat out of your problems all the time. 

I yearn for the day when I can finally love myself and stop seeing myself the way I see myself since I-don't-know-when. I hate not being able to master the art of not giving a damn.

Anyway in case that my never-ending drama makes you annoyed, I'm so sorry.

This is just too awkward.

Taa daaa. All these while I was acting macho. I'm still having corny and mushy thoughts. Sometimes I just want to pop up and say how I miss so many people, but it might sound so terribly awkward.

To summarise, I think I haven't changed much. I just acted as if I did. And I'm acting as if I don't care while the truth is, man, I have so many things to say. I want to speak. I want to speak English again. I want to laugh with friends, not laugh while watching sitcoms alone (#foreveralone). I want to go to CA practice session, not play guitar alone without any purpose. 

There are times I love being alone, in fact I always love being alone. But these times remind me the goodness of having constant company, and I really miss being part of something because trust me, all my life, I never had much chances to be in one that I truly love, surrounded by friends who I still miss.

I can't just say "I miss you *insert heart shape*" to everyone unless they've seen a lot of my lameness but yeah, that's all I want to do so badly right now.

I've changed topic but who cares, I'm pretty much drama-ing from the start to the end.