#19 Another Thursday

I'm in the mood to blog these days. I might be expressing my thoughts too excessively though, considering that I've just finished writing a journal entry as well. But who cares, right?

Maybe I should start blogging seriously. Start a new blog. Write quality contents. Idk man. It sounds like a good thing, because come to think of it, I don't think there are many blogs written from the point of view of a (pardon my language) bus wanker and library addict and a constantly free college student who's frustrated cos she ain't got no money but she ain't know how to start finding a part time job. (Oh here we go again...)

Anywayyy.

So I went to the library again for no particular reason, meaning, I spent 5 bucks for nothing again. I mean, oookay, you can choose whichever way to view it. Some will probably think I'm wasting my time and money just to send myself to a library an hour away from home so that I can spend time reading for 5 hours straight (with 5 minutes toilet break, twice) then come back home again, spend another hour on the bus doing nothing but stare at people and stuffs and the sky, like a true creep.

Or you can probably view it as a weekly routine, an escapade, a time to rejuvenate, meditate, unwind, whatever you want to call it. Or probably I can just say that I need this time because I want to keep my sanity intact. I don't really need to explain anything, right?

I managed to finish reading 1984 by George Orwell. I'm really bad at giving reviews but I have to say this really is a good book, ahead of its time and all that. But I don't think it left any huge impact on me. Animal Farm was a true eye-opener. This one was like hmmhmm ookay.

As for our #BusJournals series today I am compelled to write about many many things, as usual.

I boarded my usual bus to town and from town. These are two different buses, two different drivers. I gave them nicknames because I am a creep it makes journal-writing a lot easier. Bus to town: the detached driver. Bus from town: the political spy driver. Oh, don't ask why. It's going to get all weird if I explain. And while we're at it, I haven't seen the ever-grinning driver in about 3 weeks now and I really really miss his bus.

Anyway, I don't think anyone else cares about this as much as I do but here's some things about the ride today:

Detached Driver's Bus:

I'm really bad at taking pictures when
I feel as if people are watching me.

1. I was on the same ride with this little girl and her dad and (I assume) her grandpa and actually they were on the same ride with me last Tuesday morning. As soon as they hopped off at Sarawak General Hospital, the little girl gave me a legit smile and I was like dios mio, what have I done to deserve such a sweet little smile on a sunny morning. I smiled back so naturally. I think she recognised me. And that's kinda funny and cute and heartwarming.
2. I met a mentally-ill man again, for the second time. The first time I met him was on the ride home exactly a week ago. On that ride, he was muttering stuffs on his own, and I wrote about him on my previous journal entry that he was "like a sports commentator, reporting every move the bus driver made, and it was comedic and creepy at the same time." We'll get back to this man soon because looking at him gave me so many things to think about. (And this is not the end of the story yet.)
3. The driver thought that I was paying for myself and my new neighbour-friend, the mak cik I met a few weeks ago. Which probably means he thinks we're related. Which is actually a legit assumption because we happen to board this bus together almost every week. And I thought it was kinda funny because oh well these days I think almost everything is funny. It's hard to be easily amused. And right now I'm sitting here feeling sad that my new semester is starting next week, which means I have a new schedule, and I will most probably not get to wait for this bus together with this mak cik neighbour-friend (On my journal I write her name as MCN short for Mak Cik Neighbour although I know her name already.) and it means oh well I won't be having this simple weekly interactions at the bus stop with an adult stranger. Damn, I love talking to adults. 

Political-Spy Driver's Bus:

Good to be back on this bus. It's funny that I can
sort of close my eyes now and maybe
be able to tell the difference of each bus lol
based on the sound of the engine.

1. THE BUS IS BACKKK! I haven't seen this bus in two weeks. I was beginning to worry about it. I know, it's weird to feel worried about a vehicle, but I have an attachment with this bus now. This reminds me of what the tourist guide in Ayutthaya said, about in Buddhism they teach you about not having the feeling of attachments whatsoever. And I'm like oh crap, how can I feel so attached to a (pardon my language), fucking bus.
2. Two plausible theories is that the bus broke down or they sent it somewhere to fix the broken chair. I was very tempted to ask the political-spy driver, but there's this mak cik half-complaining and half-asking him about why he has to wait for another few minutes to move (this driver is kinda punctual) and upon hearing that question I think he was rather annoyed but I could be assuming things. He's always smiling but after the question he wasn't smiling at all so I thought that it would be stupid to suddenly ask, "Hey so what actually happened to this bus last week?"
3. AND OHH the mentally-ill guy was on the same ride again. Well actually this happened earlier.I boarded the bus, no one was there, but as soon as I picked my spot, he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and we were the only two on the bus, and I freaked out because he started muttering. I'll get back to this story soon.
4. I ate an apple instead of drinking canned latte. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it was if anyone happened to be looking at me and thinking of the pen-apple-pineapple-pen song, but come on, I shouldn't be that perasan right? So I acted cool and munched away, because I didn't have lunch, and I didn't have anything else to munch on (the temptation to much on something is damn strong especially if you see the driver munching away his apollo layer cake) and when he opened a can of coffee, I swear I felt fidgety and regretted the fact I didn't get a can for myself. 

So I am writing this because I want to write a few things about the mentally-ill man.

At first, I admit, my first meeting with him was funny.

This was a week ago, on a different bus. There were some secondary school boys at the front row of the bus, smoking and talking among themselves. The bus hadn't moved yet. The driver was still at the toilet. There's another lady. And another man. And I had just picked my spot when this mentally-ill man appeared and muttered some things to himself. He then chose the seat directly in front of me and directly behind the guy's seat.

He continued muttering away stuffs in mild anger, I guess. Feeling uncomfortable and a little afraid, my brain told me to switch to another seat in front (closer to the smoking kids..) but my heart said, ohh son, if you make that deliberate move, that man's going to mutter about you. And ohhh, I really love my logic. 

Because that's when I said ah-a! Let's pretend you need to go to the shop to buy a bottle of chilled water so that you can kind of politely leave that seat and choose a different seat afterwards. And boy, I was so glad I had that idea.

Because the man really did mutter about the people around him. He muttered about the driver in disgust. And he muttered to the schoolkids to keep their school uniforms nicely instead of tossing and twirling it in the air that way, because that's going to be hard to wash. At this point, I was smiling alone. When the kids noped the fuck out of the bus, they complained to each other in my native tongue, "that guy had too much drugs." Again, this made me smile. 

But seeing him again today was different. How could I smile and laugh about something I always say I stand for? I mean, come on. I am against bullying, and I am concerned of mental illnesses and suicide and all those shit. Seeing him today got me thinking, what actually happened to this man? How did he end up this way, and what exactly do the drivers feel about letting him board buses for free?

In our first encounter this morning, he sat directly behind me but didn't disturb me. I was listening to Passenger on my walkman. He was, again, muttering stuffs. But when we were about to reach his stop, he actually tapped my shoulder and that made me jump a bit because I was very absorbed in my music. It then occurred to me that he was actually asking me to help him press the bell. 

In the second encounter, things were scarier, because we were the only ones on the bus, and he was muttering AT me about the rubbish in the rubbish bin and how it will get blown all over the places if the back door is opened. He also muttered about how he was asking nicely about another bus schedule and people were ridiculing him, and that made me a bit sad. But again, I was afraid, so I used the oh-let's-go-buy-that-water-that-you-don't-really-need strategy, and I left him alone on the bus.

As soon as I returned, he greeted me and said hey, just sit at where you were previously seated, because that new spot that you've chosen is on the sunny side and it's going to get hot. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I smiled I said, it's ok, I'll open the windows and let the wind blow in. And he actually legitly spoke English to me after seeing that I was carrying that George Orwell book, and I was like damn, who is this man and what happened to him?

The driver didn't bother to neither collect the fare from him nor acknowledge his presence, so I think he's a regular. It might seem heartless, to completely ignore the presence of someone and make him look invisible, but if I were a driver I'd probably do the same, maybe. What if you acknowledge his presence and he starts behaving violently? What if he himself wants to be invisible and undisturbed? 

While waiting for the bus to move, he greeted another passenger, but the woman didn't look his way, and he suddenly turned bitter again, stomping on the aluminium cans he collected and muttered about how people said he's drunk while he's just actually asking legit questions about bus schedules. It broke my heart, to hear him say that. Suddenly I felt so bad for laughing at him a week ago. But you can't really do anything to help these people, right? You feel for them, but at the same time you fear about your own safety. And don't get me started on social stigma and stuffs like that. 

So for the whole journey I was feeling a bit down because I had no coffee, I had so many things playing in my mind, and my adventure of the day was about to end and I was heading home, back to a place I dearly love, but is imperfect in so many ways.

But I was also feeling good because I managed to finish a book I've been wanting to read since forever, and I was wearing a shirt that made me feel good, together with dad's old jumper that kept me so warm and comfy in the library.

Dad's jumper. Sorry I actually do snap toilet mirror selfies
almost every time I visit the library.

I love my new shirt lol.

Also, I find it amusing that back in secondary school and early college days I used to worry about wearing wrinkled shirts. When you're a kid of a military man it's kind of something that becomes part of you as well, I guess. All the ironing and stuffs. All the self-consciousness of wearing wrinkled/creased shirts. But today, boy today, this shirt was wrinkly as hell, even the bus driver's ironed shirt is a thousand times better. And then it dawned upon me that I'm turning into one of those people who can face the world and go out in un-ironed shirts and that idea kind of made me feel weird. And then again it dawned upon me that I haven't been ironing clothes for...wow. Years? This is random. But yeah, Sundays used to be damn excruciating back in secondary school because I had to iron my uniforms but now I'm as free as a bird with ruffled feathers. (You get the gist..)

Well nothing really happened today though. Next week I'll be back to school. Not sure what I feel though. Results are about to be released. And I'm nervous about the new schedule because it's going to mess up my routine for sure. I'll need to adapt and get a new routine. 

Besides that well I've been playing Passenger's new album on repeat. While I'm at it I guess I should share some of my favourite songs from the album.

I was listening to this on the bus earlier today, as in reallly listen to the lyrics and think about them, and that line about "You're older than you used to be" and  "And no man has ever stopped time flying by" well they really struck me. So I was there, sitting and staring out of the window and I was like damnnnn. Right now at this exact second I am older than I used to be. And that made me feel so weird.

-I tried embedding Fool's Gold here but it keeps on vanishing oh me so noob-

My favourite line here is "Give me golden afternoons in May, Give me silver moons that light my way, And I won't ask for fool's gold anymore" because it's such an apt line of request when you're sitting on a bus and you know that it's sometimes these simple pleasures that mean more that things you've been dreaming to own. (*clears throat* *new guitar*)

   

This is the one I can listen to on and on and on and feel damn sad and funny at the same time because there's a line that mentioned "I always wanted to learn Spanish" and it just reminded me of my failed attempt/abandoned project to learn Spanish. And this line, this line makes me damn sad: "How we beg and we borrow, say we do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come."

And well, Mike doesn't only write sad songs so here's a happier one to keep me smiling on the bus and I like the part when he mentioned "through every emotion, when you know that they don't care" idk why I feel so adventurous when I listen to this. 

And this one, this one, if I listened to it three years ago I'd probably weep to death. :) I don't think I can explain how relatable this song is to me.

So yeah, that was a rather long post. Good to be reread and laugh at one year from now, I guess. 

Till we meet again in another long-winded, pointless blogpost!