Talk About It

It's been more than a week. I guess. It's visiting me again. I can't sleep at night, no matter how long I lie down.

I've tried talking. I've tried listening to songs. I've tried laughing at silly photos. I've tried spending most of my time on my guitar. I've tried to focus less on myself and more on others by providing words of encouragement anonymously to some people. I've tried drinking more water. I've tried to control my thoughts. I've tried not to blog like how I used to do.

I guess that's the problem.

The more I suppress it, the bigger it gets. The more pretentious I become about my emotions, the harder it fights back. I no longer recognise this monster that I've been feeding all this while. 

It allows me to laugh when I'm extremely happy but the time it allows me to do so is short-lived. It allows me to talk to my friends but it restricts so many areas that I used to share. It tells me I'm strong enough to paddle my own boat, but it sends me a continuous series of small waves, insignificant reasons to cause me from being unreasonably afraid of falling into the ocean that seems so ready to swallow me again.

I now have five spots of eczema on my right hand, which I fear is being the clear indication that my stress level might be higher than I think it is. One is even very close to my fingertip, which has never happened and it worries me that I might not be able to play guitar for a while if it worsens.

There's a very thin line between exaggerating stuffs and being worried that I feel that maybe I'm just exaggerating after all.

Some Days

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world.

Some days I just feel so inexplicably sad when doing stupid things like listening to sad songs.

Don't go telling me not to listen to sad songs. I don't know. Being sad doesn't make me happy. Being sad makes me less sad. Being less sad still means I'm sad, but I just can't figure out why am I sad.

Raison d'être

I kinda figured that I am not emo, I'm just simply bored. Yep, I'm just pure bored. 

So before I get deceived by my thoughts that say my current point of life is so meaningless, I decided to do something challenging. A guy on YouTube uploaded a fingerstyle version of one of my favourite songs. Sadly there were no tabs and it's not easy to find fingerstyle tabs of Thai songs.

Good thing is that he recorded a close-up shot so yayyy! I just had to follow his fingers and listen to each note very carefully.

But nope, it wasn't easy at all for a noob like me. This must be one of the craziest guitar-related things I've ever attempted. Took me five days (ohkay actually I took 2 days off so those didn't count..). I didn't do anything else, just played the video over and over again, didn't sleep for one whole night because I couldn't stop (stopping makes it harder to start again). 

 And tonight I managed to transcribe the tabs until the end yayyy! It feels so nice to be able to do something that makes me feel I have a raison d'être.

I can't imagine my life without my guitar. 

Yayyy!

So now the adventure begins. Next target is to learn to play this song within one month. I hope I just don't give up, so that next I'll be able to learn River Flows in You (abandoned project...), Ode to Joy, When You Say Nothing at All, Yesterday, In My Life, Under the Sea, and oh, be the next Sungha Jung. Of course I was just kidding.

I'm also planning to repair my second guitar by myself since the shops won't accept him. I don't want a guitar to end up as a garbage. It's cheap, but it doesn't deserve to be thrown away (or smashed..).

I guess life's good, can't complain much.

Drama

Here we go again.

Oh dear. I don't even know what I'm still looking for. Sheesh I miss being so young and innocent and bitchy. But sometimes I feel this emptiness revisiting me again and again, although I have so many things and time to do whatever I love. 

I am so ashamed of typing this out hahah. I promised not to be like the previous version of me. Y'know, like, "Heyyy Fee how's it going?" and then I answer: "Oh nooo my life suckssss I just wanna vanishhh." You see, my age no longer permits me to do so. I'm going reach adulthood for goodness sake. I can't complain like a teenager. But I want to. I really really want to. But there's a voice inside my head telling me not to do so. 

I don't want to be the slave of my emotions, but I'm trapped in between expressing my feelings and keeping things to myself. 

In other words, I feel so emo.

I feel so emo but I'm so ashamed to say it because I don't want people to sympathise on me like always. I fear I'll be accustomed to receiving sympathy to the point that I can't even help myself to help myself. It sounds so darn egoistic (ohkay this might not be the right word), but there's nothing good when you find yourself needing someone to help paddle your boat out of your problems all the time. 

I yearn for the day when I can finally love myself and stop seeing myself the way I see myself since I-don't-know-when. I hate not being able to master the art of not giving a damn.

Anyway in case that my never-ending drama makes you annoyed, I'm so sorry.

This is just too awkward.

Taa daaa. All these while I was acting macho. I'm still having corny and mushy thoughts. Sometimes I just want to pop up and say how I miss so many people, but it might sound so terribly awkward.

To summarise, I think I haven't changed much. I just acted as if I did. And I'm acting as if I don't care while the truth is, man, I have so many things to say. I want to speak. I want to speak English again. I want to laugh with friends, not laugh while watching sitcoms alone (#foreveralone). I want to go to CA practice session, not play guitar alone without any purpose. 

There are times I love being alone, in fact I always love being alone. But these times remind me the goodness of having constant company, and I really miss being part of something because trust me, all my life, I never had much chances to be in one that I truly love, surrounded by friends who I still miss.

I can't just say "I miss you *insert heart shape*" to everyone unless they've seen a lot of my lameness but yeah, that's all I want to do so badly right now.

I've changed topic but who cares, I'm pretty much drama-ing from the start to the end.

Rarrggghh

Teka-teki of the month..

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Pictorial description of getting a wisdom tooth. It's like there's an angry little man living in your mouth, constantly striking your gums with a sledgehammer. This pain makes me emo.