Reality Hit Me

I was talking with my mum a few seconds ago when suddenly I thought of something that I've never thought of before. Or maybe I have thought of it, but never really given it a time to ponder upon.

I've been living in two worlds.

I might have also lived in many worlds.

To put it in a more comprehensible picture, my life has generally been divided into:

• At Scotland (sweet childhood memories) and after Scotland. (a mixture of both good and bad memories).

• At Wira Jaya (all fun and play) and at Semenggok/Penrissen (adolescence and exposure to real-life drama/overly dramatic people).

• At Intec (where life was hard but the people were the best on the planet) and after Intec (where I'm back to the Semenggok/Penrissen phase of life).

• Also not to mention MRSM where my first failure in life occured.

So that's all in all like seven worlds but some are overlapping and I don't know how to explain it.

And what makes me post this post is that I've failed to realise all this while that:

• I've been knowing the richest of the rich circle of friends (I'm talking about financially rich) and I've also known friends who are in the opposite situation.

• I've mixed with the smartest group of people in the nation, almost elite, and now I'm mixing with average achievers who are looked down upon, and I've seen some who don't even care about their grades, skipping classes, not doing assignments, dropping out and all that.

• I've mixed with the most courteous, most friendly circle of friends, and I've seen school gangsters burn rubbish bins, had a cigarette butt accidentally thrown only millimetres away from my eyebrow, and now I'm sort of living the thug life once again where I feel almost insecure of walking alone because most people are far from being courteous.

• I've heard stories of happy families, where mum and dad loves friend A so much, and I've heard stories of really not-so-happy families like friend B who has parents who don't really care about her education, or friend C whose dad remarried when she was 12, or friend D who has cut marks all over her arms, and friend D who once ran away from home. I can go on writing this list until forever. And it's barely been half a year that I've been enrolled in this new place, but many has opened up to sad sad stories.

Reality hit me that probably I came back to this old life because I didn't learn enough. I didn't open my eyes enough and I wasn't qualified to continue living the Intec kind of life where everybody seemed to be a good diverse mixture of what makes a utopian society. And the world needs bridges. The world needs people who know how to both respect those who are damn rich and damn poor. The world needs people who know not to say that rich people are arrogant and poor people are lazy. The world needs to know that we just have to respect the happy, respect the sad, respect the mentally-ill, respect those who try hard to achieve their almost impossible dreams--and if you can't respect, if you can't say a good thing out of it, learn to not give a damn. 

What am I really trying to say here? I don't know. I just feel that some people haven't seen enough of two worlds. I haven't seen enough of two worlds. And the longer I think about it, the more I hear myself say that if this is what it takes for me to stop living in my own fear, then maybe the idea of living in many worlds is a good one after all. You don't need a special programme to join in order to meet new acquaintances who face many weird things in life. It's just you, going through many levels of life, many worlds in one life, like a wild traveller who greets people along the way.

Maybe that's what life is all about, like Tetris Battle where you can always get up to another level--and also get back to the previous level if you haven't learnt enough to overcome your current level. In Tetris Battle you don't die. The game never ends--it only ends when you stop playing altogether and delete the game from your Facebook account.

It's almost illogical to go up, up, up in Tetris Battle. In one point of the game, there will be a time where you'll fall back to the previous level. And it really is a pain in the nerves. But when you've gone though both levels, you'll know that the whole game is not so bad after all.

I haven't written crap like this for so long.

Achievement Unlocked

I boarded a bus alone today. I mean..I boarded a city bus alone..from the city centre..alone..I mean in a crowd of strangers.

I used to go to school by bus for six years. Buses are cool. Buses makeyour soul feel liberated. Creaky old city buses I mean. Not the kind of air-conditioned buses I used to hop on in Intec. 

It's been a tiring week but I think this bus day really made me feel good. 

I know, I sound drunk.. Forgive me. I just miss having the feeling I had in SA--the feeling that I am old enough to take care of myself without troubling my parents.

I admit I miss being alone and not feeling awkward or scared of being alone. It's very hard to do so in my current uni. No one wants to be alone because the alonekid (I say alonekid because I don't want to say lonely)  will be called a freak. People start asking you whether you're okay when you're alone. It's like going to high school all over again..with all the stupid childish dramas and gossips. Dang, I'm going off-topic again..

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I really am. I just needed to rant because I have a PhD in Rantingology.

Avoiding the World

We shook hands. We finally shook hands after about 4 or 5 times I've successfully avoided him in the course of a year.

A year! And I thought I could get away with it.

This time there was no more running away. No more place to run, because I wasn't at home. I didn't have my room, my haven, my magic little mousehole.

Smile and shake hands, I told to myself. Just smile and get ready for the ultimate question.

Oh, ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? 

I knew it. I knew it. He was going to ask this.

Back then, the question that I hated the most in college was "When are you going back home?" which was frequently asked before any short holidays. And the answer was always, well umm, "I'm not going back."

ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS? is now officially my new most hated question.

>Sending a birthday wish to an old acquaintance:

Me: Happy birthday!

Old acquaintance: Thanks! Are you back for the holidays?

>Bumping into an old classmate's mum at a Sunday market (out of all places...)

Me: *smile*

Woman: OH YOU'RE BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS??

>Seeing an old relative who I avoided for one year:

Me: *Shake hands* 

(Let's call him grandpa..): ARE YOU BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

Then haha, of course I had to do some explanation. Did I tell you that the world doesn't like short answers? They're never satisfied with short answers!

Where are you now then?...

What course are you taking?...

What really happened?...

And I find my brain developing new theories about this person who I'm talking to. I analyse his face. I recall his past judgements. I weave all of these thoughts together like I'm weaving a traditional mat. Let's call this whole business as a mental presumption. 

I recall him sitting at one of the sofas in my home, talking about an uncle who is gay. Or who he assume is gay. I recalled how he made his theories about failed parenting, and I could sense the sneer in his voice as he said how gay this uncle is.

I recall him frequently asking about a failed marriage which occurred to someone close in my life. How he crafts his questions carefully to get answers but never providing anything beneficial. No advice, no nothing. All I ever heard was judgement by judgement. A thousand little hypotheses, zero solutions. Zero compassion.

I shook his hands. 

I still shook his hands.

But my mind was wandering.

She must've had a boyfriend.

She must've had too much fun.

She wasn't so bright after all.

She mixed with the wrong kind of people.

If he could sneer at a homosexual, if he could sneer at a marriage that failed, he could absolutely sneer at me.

And that's not important.

I thought those who spoke God's words, read God's words, and spread God's words ought to show compassion, but all that I'm seeing in this past one year is that what you show is not always what you practise. 

"Oh, come on, he's only human", you'd say.

Oh well yes he's only human and he fails just like I do.

But you get the gist here, don't you?

Forgive me if this sounds offensive, but here's what it is:-

This is why some people avoid the world.

This is why some people avoid the Church.

What have we done today, that made people shy away from accepting what we call God's grace?

I ain't no expert, and to be honest I haven't been talking much about what I've kept so long in my heart. But really, if we focused more on being a friend instead of merely evangelising to a friend, maybe people would see religion as something spiritual, and not just something about sneering at and correcting others.

I admit, I am a stubborn human being. I hate being corrected unless people correct me with a little pinch of compassion.

So I avoid the world, and I don't know when will I stop running.

I'd probably even bump into a relative 6 or 7 years from now and still find them asking me:-

"Which hospital are you working at??"

I promise I won't be shocked.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...

27

Recognition

I was sitting in the middle row listening to my lecturer talking about 'recognition' and how being successful can make people admire you, praise your parents, and look at your possessions (brands of handbags were described in details) while pondering about how good it is to be you.

I was obviously annoyed.

If that is the definition of success, and if that is the sole purpose of being successful, then I'm afraid I don't want to be successful. 

What is life? What is success? Why do we chase it? Why do we spend so much to chase it? Why do we want to feel that sense of superiority? Why do we participate in the endless stupid game of trying to be the first in the list, to be the top among the rest, to feel the guilty satisfaction when we hear that we are in a better position compared to someone else?

I don't know what has happened to me, but I've quit thinking about living a 'professional' life. The life all of our parents want to see us in. The life that everyone admires. I've never felt this way before, to be honest. All my life I've been studying really hard on school to get to that place where I can gain recognition. And now, all of a sudden, I have a weird, strong desire to become a hippie. Or whatever you call a wanderer who is liberated from a world that is heavily politicised and monetised. 

I think I have a small modern nomad in me. And it's growing day by day. And it was dormant before I reached 21. To be honest I don't see much about what this town has in store for me. I don't know if I have any friends here and I'm the least popular member of the family when it comes to family friends. It seems like an easy place to leave. And I have a restless heart that doesn't seem to feel like being conformed in a structured system where not everyone's needs can be catered. I don't know how long can I survive this world if I don't stop realising that it's just the way this world works. Gotta deal with it, suck it up, they say. 

I don't believe in recognition. Public figures can mess up. Success can be snatched away in a matter of minutes. It's about time that we stop education our children that success equals to recognition. It's scary to think of the whole human population using money just to chase more money for the sake of praises. I don't like the truth that it's a common mindset in my neighbourhood, in my town, in the people of my ethnicity. 

It's a weird world, isn't it? People frown upon those who freely chase their passions but worship those who 'purchase' recognition.

Recognition does not equal to superiority and the titles you carry in your names.

I always tell people that my ultimate goal is to jam on a rooftop. It's not. Day and night I keep on thinking of the day when I can stop relying on my parents. I don't want any recognition from their friends and cousins. I just want to be able to support myself and not rely on them forever.

Which also means I must not mess up.

What's the big deal?, you say. Well, it is a big deal. I can't afford another mistake. Literally. Ain't nobody got money fo dat.

So screw recognition. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.